Friday, November 1, 2013


I've been going to a gym with a personal trainer for five months and I love it, LOVE IT.  I have met so many great people and I got my three best friends to join me, so now working-out is like going to a party.  AND I got measurements taken for the second time since I started and I have made fabulous progress!  I've lost 9.75 inches off various places on my bod, and have lost 3% body fat.  I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

However, I think that old cliche about dumb jocks might be true.  I'm getting fitter and happier, but I think at the same time I am getting dumber.  For instance, the other day we all did a rowing test to find out our "race pace."  We did 2000 meters as fast as we possibly could and that is our race pace.  Now when we do rowing workouts we gauge how fast we go according to our individual race paces.  On the machine there is a monitor that tells you how fast you are doing a 500 meter race, so 1/4 the time you would do a 2000 at race pace, right?  Are you getting this?  So anyway, here is a conversation between my friend Rae Ann, me and our trainer, Jeff:

Rae:  How fast should I be going?
Me:  Race pace.
Rae:  What's my race pace?
Me:  1/4 as fast as your time you got on the 2000.
Rae:  It was 9:43.
Me:  Okay, 9:43 divided by 4.
Rae:  .....(crickets)
Me: .....(tumbleweeds)
Jeff:  What are you guys doing, get started.
Rae:  I can't figure out my race pace.
Jeff:  It's 1/4 as fast as your 2000 time.
Rae:  ......(crickets)
Me:  ........(tumbleweeds)
Jeff:........ (haunting lonely wind)
Rae:  Well?
Jeff:  Just go at a 2:20 pace!

(9:43 / 4 = 2:36)

And earlier the same day the three of us talked about a series of box step-ups we did the day before.  We did 20 step-ups on the right leg, then 20 on the left leg, then 19 on the right, 19 on the left, 18 right, 18 left and so on and so on down to 10.

Rae:  How many step-ups do you think we did altogether?
Me:  20 + 20 + 19 + 19..... etc.
Rae:  I know how to figure it out, dummy, but what is the answer?
Me:  I don't know.... probably about 900.
Jeff:  It was not 900!  Oh my god!
Me:  Well then how much was it?
Jeff:  (crickets)  I don't know.  It's probably a hundred and some.

(It's 330.)

So then I got measured and one of the parts that gets measured is my bicep.  This is supposed to be measured with your arm down and relaxed, but I don't want to know how big my arm is relaxed, I want to know how huge my pipe is fully flexed.  After telling me to put my arm down and stop flexing so he could just get the measurement already, Jeff took the standard, boring measurement of my arm relaxed and then conceded, "Okay fine, let's measure it flexed."  It increased by 3/4 of an inch from 11.25 to 12,  and I was disappointed.  Jeff said, "What did you expect?"  I said, "18."  and he said, "That would look RIDICULOUS," and he spaced the measuring tape out to the circumference of 18 inches and showed me how big my arm would be if it did flex to 18 inches.

I don't think it would look ridiculous, Jeff, I think it would look awesome.

Rae and Jeff and I might not be advanced math whizzes (adding, dividing, estimating = advanced math), but we look amazing.


I went to the gym today and Jeff said that although he thought this post was funny, I had my calculations wrong.  "Yeah, right!"  I said!  It's simple math!  When I'm sitting down with a calculator I think I can do simple math, JEFF.  He said, "You calculated Rae Ann's time as if it was on a scale of 100, but minutes and seconds are on a scale of 60 (idiot).  You figured 9:43 as if it was 943/4, not 9 MINUTES and 43 SECONDS divided by 4." Which is ...

....Okay, I'm sitting here with my iPad fully intending to give Jeff his redemption and when I figure 9 minutes divided by 4 I get 2:25, but I don't think that is right.  Why can't I do this?  ...OHHHHHH, I get it, it's two and a quarter minutes, which is 2:15.  Got it.  Stupid fractions.  And 43 seconds divided by 4 is ... just a minute, must grab the calculator because I don't trust myself to do simple division... 10.75.  So Rae Ann's race pace (if in fact her 2000 time was 9:43 which Jeff also thinks is WRONG) is 2:25.  So he said he was only 4 seconds off.  But you weren't!  You were 5 seconds off!  HA!  IN YOUR FACE!  He said her time was 9:39.  If in fact that is true, her pace would be 2:24 and Jeff would then be...... 4 seconds off.  Dammit.

So then I said, "Okay, you may have been right(ish) about the seconds/minutes thing, but you totally blew it on the number of step-ups we did!"  All he said (smugly) was "...PER ...LEG."  330 divided by two .... just a sec... calculator... is 165.  Shit.  He was right about that too.  Goddamn it.

So there, I gave Jeff his stupid redemption, but he should know you can't believe everything you read on the internet, it's full of blogs written by total morons.  (Who's the dummy now, nerd?)

In other, totally unrelated news:  I'm teaching CALCULUS next semester!!!!  Yay!


  1. You made my day and look AMAZING!! See you in the morning!

  2. LOL You should measure your heads ............... with all that correct figuring your brains must be growing.


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