Mr. No Pants

Every time I go to Two Harbors I am fascinated by this statue of a french fur trader that is in town, right along the highway. The guy is wearing a short tunic, thigh high boots and NO PANTS AT ALL. Kira thinks that it is a mistake in the painting, and that he has pants on, they are just EXACTLY the same color as all the rest of his skin. I say it is no mistake at all. How hard would it be to paint on black pants, or brown pants, or tan pants. Not hard at all. This is definitely on purpose and so WEIRD!

Also, I'm a little concerned about his right hand. Looks like a bloody stump, or a red hoof. Did he get his fist caught in one of his traps? Is he turning into a horse? Is he the devil? I'm pretty sure the devil wears thigh high boots.

This is true art. I know that because it makes me think every time I see it. And because it's beautiful. And so sexy!

Canal Park

Kira came to me this morning with a written itinerary for her day. She was going to go for a long walk with Maisy wearing bandanas, play in the yard, have lunch, and then go to Canal Park and at 2:30 go to Dairy Queen and have Blizzards. I was non-committal but after she had the bandana walk, played in the yard, and had lunch, I saw that I would just be messing with her day if I didn't follow through with a trip downtown.

We walked along the lakewalk and the beach,

looked for sea glass and cool rocks,

Sam brought his scooter and scooted along the lakewalk path,

Kira unleashed Maisy so she could go swimming in the freezing, terrifyingly enormous waves, Yay Maisy! Lucky dog!

Kira took this picture of what was supposed to be a cute seagull, but it turned out to be a cute, evasive seagull.

We also saw this maniac jumping freezing, terrifyingly enormous waves with a jet ski.

We walked to the end of the pier and I asked Kira how much money I would have to pay her to jump off the pier and climb up the ladder that's there for safety reasons (it says DANGER, NO SWIMMING!). She said 15 dollars. I decided to call her bluff and see if she would. She proceeded to climb the wall of the pier and she was going to do it! I can't believe what a crazy person she is! FIFTEEN DOLLARS! (I'd have paid her a lot more than that)

Then we went to DQ and had blizzards. Fun day!

Now we're home again and the kids are fighting and complaining and have completely forgotten what an awesome mother I am. That's okay. I don't mind reminding them.

Bandanas are the new thing,

According to Kira anyway. She got herself and Maisy all dolled up in bandanas to go for a walk today (on which she found an agate, some kind of bird egg shell and some cool rocks). Maisy isn't crazy about the bandana. She thinks she looks like a dork. (she does)

Happy Anniversary to Me! (and Mitch)

It's our 11th anniversary today so I made us this cake. Anniversary is a longer word than you'd expect it to be. I took the picture, and then when I looked at the picture it made me think, "WTF is going on with my basil plant?"

The answer: Nothing good.

Kira's Business

Kira decided to make a little moola today. She set up a lemonade stand at the end of our driveway. She has been sitting out there for hours and has had NO customers. We live in the woods and also, her prices are a little high.

This is mostly true

Mitch just came home and said to me, "You're going to get some funny looks when you go into the credit union for a while."

He went in to deposit a check and the teller gave him some trouble. I imagine it went like this:

Teller - (bored, wants to be at the beach with her boyfriend instead of making eight dollars an hour at the credit union) - Hello Sir, how can I help you today?

Mitch - (hands over the check to be deposited) - Put this in checking please.

Teller - There is a standard two day waiting period for the check to clear.

Mitch - It's a payroll check!

Teller (rolling eyes and apparently oblivious to the fact that the check says Swampthing Environmental Inc. at the top, and Mitch is wearing a Swampthing Environmental shirt.) - Do you have documentation proving it's a payroll check?

Mitch (steam coming from his ears) - Yeah! The check! What's the problem? I'm PUTTING MONEY IN THE BANK!

Teller (getting annoyed and really wishing she was with her boyfriend- He'd show this old guy what's what!) - Uh...

Mitch - Let's pretend that this is, I don't know, say: A SOCIETY, and in this particular venture (waving arms wildly around the credit union) we are out to benefit each other. Using that model, how is playing "gotcha!" and hitting me with 30 dollar overdraft fees by unnecessarily holding a check going to benefit either one of us in the long run? That's like a farmer eating his seeds instead of planting them. What good is that?

Teller (dramatically, obviously rolling her eyes now, imagining how thoroughly her boyfriend could slap this weirdo silly) - ...... okay.....?

Mitch - That's it. Let's go talk to Gladys.

("Gladys" is the unhelpful banker who when we were getting an auto loan was making things extremely difficult until Mitch gave her a quiet and totally embarrassing (for me) dressing down about how she works for us because it is a credit union, and it's in her best interest to keep customers and help them be prosperous instead of seeing how many ways she can make things harder for us, and easier for her. She got incredibly helpful after that, but I've always had the feeling she's being ironic in her helpfulness, like it's her own private, sarcastic joke.)

Mitch (marching to Gladys's office with the petulant teller slumped behind him) - Gladys!

(Gladys is crouched into the far corner of her office. Almost like she is hiding from someone...)

Gladys - AH! Oh, why hello Mr. Johnson! How are you today! How can I help!

Mitch - If I had a baseball, I could throw it and hit my bank from here so why does it take two days for a check FROM ACROSS THE STREET to clear here? Is it because then I'm more likely to overdraft? We've talked about this Glad, that's not good business is it? IS IT?

Gladys - No Sir it is NOT good business! I assure you that your check will be accepted with open arms here, no problem, no way! Even if I have to walk all the way across the street myself to take care of things personally, that's what I'll do for you!

Mitch - Well, apparently your tellers don't know this. Look, I just want to come in here and deposit a check and not have to worry about it. I don't want any trouble because I've chosen to do business with you. If it continues to be difficult to do business here, I'll go somewhere else.

Gladys - (launching herself across her desk and choking the teller) Teller! Did you give this man trouble! I'm going to beat your ass with this rubber hose until you're raw! (pulling a section of rubber hose out of her jacket.)

Teller - Gulllggggchchch!

Mitch - Now come on, I don't think's that's necessary...

Gladys - NO! It is! You're right! The customer is always right! She deserves it! You're the best thousandaire we have here at the credit union, and we'd go under if we lost YOU! Excuse us; (gently pushes Mitch out of her office and shuts herself in with the teller. The sound of teller screams fill the bank.)

Teller - (in the office) Not the face! Not the face!

Gladys (in the office) - YOU (slap) WILL (slap) NEVER (slap) LET (slap) THAT (slap) MAN (slap) IN (slap) MY (slap) OFFICE (slap) AGAIN! I don't think you understand, YOUR job is to keep people like that away from me! Do whatever you have to do to make that happen! UNDERSTAND!

Teller - I understand! I understand! Please stop! I'm getting welts! It really stings!

Gladys - WHAT'S YOUR JOB???

Teller - Keep the crazies away from you! I got it! I got it!

Gladys - GOOD! (comes out of the office and puts on a big crazy smile) Things should be fine now, Mr. Johnson. Is there anything else I can do for you today? Make you some cookies? Give you a foot rub?

Mitch- Uh.. No thanks. (starts to walk out of the bank)

Gladys - (following Mitch) Wax your car? Do your laundry? Clean your bathroom?


So yes, I imagine I will get some funny looks at the bank for a while. Yay, awkwardness! My favorite!

Happy 4th of July!

We went to Bayfront Park today for the festivities. There were rides and there was music, and some fancy boats down by the harbor. The kids went on this ride called Moby Dick.

My favorite part of the fair was when a guy running a game yelled to Mitch; "Hey big guy! Win a King Kong for your lady!"

Mitch didn't even try to win his lady a King Kong.

After the fair part of it we walked through Bayfront Park. There was some music happening but we didn't stay and listen too long. There was a corn dog stand not too far away.



Tonite we will go watch the fireworks over the harbor. Happy 4th everyone!

Cat's Cradle Anyone?

Battle of the Paddleboat Stars!

Doug, Johnson's cabin neighbor, has a great old fashioned paddleboat and when he saw that Johnson's got a paddleboat he immediately got super competitive with the kids and told them that he could kick their ass in a paddleboat race. They were nice and let it slide, not wanting to embarrass him too badly, but the trashtalk continued relentlessly and they finally decided to take him on and put him in his place. The kids put their lifejackets on and paddled the boat over to Doug's dock and flapped the paddles menacingly (the equivalent of revving). Doug talked Mitch into partnering up and the race was on. They were going to go around the marker in the bay.

The kids hung back at first, wanting to size up their opponents. The men pedaled their hearts out, (I think because they knew that they were going to run out of gas and have to coast much of the way back.)

You can't see this picture very well, but this is after they rounded the marker. The kids were catching up, but were still behind.

Feeling overly confident, Doug stopped pedaling and turned around to rub in the lead to the kids. Not smart, Doug!

The kids turned on the power then and there was nothing the men could do. In this picture Doug is still feeling pretty confident, not yet noticing the kids catching up because they are so stealthy and quiet and quick.

Doug now notices that he and Mitch are being easily passed.

Check out the splash behind the men's boat. They were trying, I'll give them that, but nothing can beat youth and vitality.

At this point Kira stopped pedaling in order to be the first one to jump out onto the dock (which, as everyone knows, is the universal determiner of who wins a paddleboat race) so the men pulled ahead a hair at the last minute, but Kira was the first one standing on the dock so the kids won. Doug disputes the results so there may have to be a rematch. The kids say "ANYTIME."

My Garden

Things are growing in my garden! I feel like Mother Earth.

Me

In the front is marigolds to keep the bunnies away, and behind that is a row of carrots (ha ha bunnies), then behind that is peas, and behind that is cucumbers. There are a few milkweeds that are popping up too and I'm leaving them for the monarch caterpillars.

Swampy makes his move

Yay Senator Franken!

He FINALLY won the election and I'm way happier than Kira and Sam look in this picture!

Amy's Cabin

My sister Amy has the greatest cabin on Rainy Lake. It's a cute little octagon on an island and we love it. She is nice enough to let us stay there whenever we want. Thanks Amy!

But during the winter and spring, when people aren't around, the spiders take over. Mitch and I spent the night there last week and I was overcome with heebies jeebies from all the spiders. First of all, when I walked through the sliding door when we got there, I didn't see the enormous web covering the upper half of the doorway and I walked through it. With my face. It got in my mouth. Then when I went to turn down the bed, a large-ish spider scampered across the bed. THE BED! I couldn't see where it went (because my eyes were shut and I was screaming) and I got to lay awake all night thinking about how it would probably crawl into my mouth and have babies if I fell asleep.

But I had to act tough because Mitch was there. We started the sauna and played cards while it heated up. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. Before the sauna I went to the guest cabin to get us some towels and walked through another web with my face. I didn't scream and throw up like I wanted to, I just spazzed out a little, telling myself that it was probably an old abandoned web. When I got back outside I looked around the door and saw a spider around this size crawling into a crack above the doorframe.

Holy Heebie Jeebies!

In the morning I walked down to the dock to look at the lake and enjoy the beautiful day. There were hundreds and hundreds of webs. And in the middle of the dock this is what was waiting for me.

This little beauty said, "My name is Darla and you better get the fuck off of my dock or me and my family are going to wrap you into a cocoon and drink your blood!"

I tried to act tough and said, "Listen Darla, I appreciate your point of view, but this is my sister's cabin and you're just going to have to skedaddle. I could step on you, you know."

She said, "Oh yeah! Go ahead and try, fatty. I can run fast on these eight lightning bolts, and I can squeeze into tight places - like your mouth when you sleep! I put my egg sac on the back of your tongue so you better be careful because if anything happens to my 8000 babies, YOU'RE DEAD!"

Then she caught a fish and started eating it right in front of me. She's a very mean, disgusting spider. I hate her and all her friends. Next time I go there I'm bringing poison.

Kira's Fish

Kira caught this fish on the dock at Johnson's cabin. According to Rich and Julie, a bunch of northerns like this one live under the dock, along with many turtles of all shapes and sizes (mostly mean snappers), bass, spiders, leeches, and probably a serial killer or two.

Kira and Sam on the Paddleboat

My in-laws got a paddleboat for out at their cabin. The kids LOVE IT! They were so excited to be out at the lake, Sam for the boating opportunities and Kira just wanted to be swimming every second. Here they are on one of their many paddleboat rides together. Sam always has a plan and a destination. Kira never does. This causes some problems. Every so often Kira would stop peddling, strip off her lifejacket, (totally defeating the purpose of a life jacket) and jump in, not caring at all how much it pissed Sam off.

After jumping in, she would swim around to the back (always catching the boat no matter how hard Sam tried to peddle away from her) an then hang off of the ladder which would make steering the boat very difficult for the angry boy with a plan and destination.

Swampy

I was just getting ready for bed and I noticed next to my junk box in my bookshelf that Mitch's Swampthing (affectionately known to us as "Swampy") toy was sitting on the lap of my Mother with Children Willow Tree figurine along with the children. That made me laugh. We have Swampy because Mitch's company's name is Swampthing Environmental, so he collects Swampythings. This particular one has come in very handy over the years. He's very bendy so he is good for recreating falls and accidents for those who weren't there to witness them personally.

It was especially handy when I sprained my ankle falling down the steps:

(Remember, Swampy is me) Me: Oh! I misjudged and there is one more step, this is bad! I'm holding a pair of scissors in my hand! (not pictured) What if I stab myself? Oh no! Oh no!

Ow! Ow! My ankle doesn't bend this way! My foot is breaking off! "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!"

This is the worst pain anyone has ever felt EVER! Call 911!

Is my foot still attached? I think it isn't! Did I hear it crack? Did I actually hear bones crack? Is this what a compound fracture feels like?

See, it comes in handy.

It's Boiling

And I am loving it (compared to winter)! The heat and humidity tend to make a person cranky though, no matter how much they love it. The kids are listless and irritable, and using any excuse to fight like a couple of cats over unbelievably stupid stuff, and I am easily annoyed by the constant bickering, but also by anyone who wants to talk to me, or be around me, or engage me in any way. I love having the windows open and smelling the woods and flowers, just let me sit still and be quiet and enjoy it. Is that too much to ask?

So tomorrow, in an effort to stem this annoyance, we are going to Rainy Lake where when the kids get irritable from the heat and annoy me, I can just throw them in the water and make them snap out of it. I should cherish this time of physical dominance because they are getting too big to push around. I think if they cooperated, they could overpower me, Sam having the first surges of testosterone and Kira having bloodlust. But they don't know that yet, and they don't cooperate, so I will continue to be able to overpower them for at least another summer. Good times!

Karen's Farm

When we visited Iowa, my aunt's friend Karen was kind enough to invite us all over for lunch one day. She lives on a little farm out in the country and has tons of animals. She has a litter of six week old kittens right now and we were all DYING to see them. I think we may have even convinced my aunt to take one or two of them... or three.

The cats were hiding, can you believe that?

Is there anything cuter than that?

Aside from kittens, Karen has three donkeys, three horses, three border collies, a gigantic white dog, a Jack Russell Terrier, two tortoises, chickens, pigeons, doves and canaries, as well as beautiful gardens. For lunch Karen made chicken salad and a green salad from lettuce she grew herself. It was fantastic! Thank you, Karen!

As soon as the donkeys saw us in their pen, they walked right up to us and demanded petting.

The horses are very friendly. One of them has an eating disorder!

This is Karen and her Jack Russell named Archer. Archer is my favorite of all the pets. He's a shriner.

Here's Sam and a kitten. Look at his muscle! A mustache and a muscle; he'll be a man soon!