Sunday, March 9, 2014

Movie Review: Twelve Years a Slave

I went to the artsy downtown theater to see Twelve Years A Slave yesterday afternoon. Let me tell you something about the artsy downtown theater in the afternoon on a Saturday. It is chock full of senior citizens who operate on a time schedule that is 5 billion times slower than this guy:

I arrived at the ticket counter seconds after a couple of old fuckers who practically ran to make sure they got in front of me in line. Seriously, the only time people over the age of 65 rush is to get ahead of me in lines. I have tons of anecdotal evidence to back me up on that. I don't know why either because when I approach a counter to buy something I am READY. I know exactly what I want and I have my money out. It takes me two seconds. But even old ladies with walkers scurry to jump ahead of me.

Anyway, back to the old fuckers who ran ahead of me to buy tickets. They had to have a long conversation with the movie guy about what movie to see? How much it are tickets? Where was the theater? Can they buy their food there too? What kind of drinks do they have? How big is the popcorn? How much is the popcorn? Oh, all of that is written on the HUMONGOUS board right behind the theater guy? Then they got their reading glasses out and read the board. Slowly. Out loud. And discussed it with each other. When they finally decided what they wanted and sloooooooowly conveyed it to the theater guy, he rung it up and told them their total. It was like a total surprise to the old man fucker that he was going to have to actually get money out to pay for everything he ordered. Then there was another huge production of getting out the wallet and deciding whether to pay cash or charge it. I was so tempted to grab the guy's wallet and take off running. I've never wanted to mug someone before, but I was really really tempted to do it yesterday. He'd never catch me. And by the time they described me to the police, my description could change drastically. I could gain 50 pounds. I could grow my hair out long. I could have a sex change. I could grow old and die.

After I was finally able to buy my own ticket, I walked towards the theater behind two older ladies. They walked three inches into the doorway of the theater and stopped. They stood there and looked around for a place to sit (ANYWHERE) and talked about where they wanted to go. They blocked the doorway and talked about it. What happens to spatial awareness and common courtesy when people age? I just don't get it. I pushed passed the old ladies and sat down.

Ten minutes after the movie started the theater door opened and an old woman and her husband came in. No, that is not accurate. An old woman and her husband opened the door and lingered there for what seemed like an eternity. The man was in a wheelchair and the woman was trying to manage the door, (someone was holding it open for her, but she had her own ideas about how that should happen) and manage the wheelchair (which was only an issue because the old guy in it wouldn't let go of the wheels). They looked around for a place to sit which was pointless because there was only one seat open for someone who wanted to sit next to the empty space left for a wheelchair. What's to discuss? Just go there! So they finally did decide to go there. Unfortunately, it was fairly close to where I was sitting so I got a front row seat while the guy did 11,264 adjustments and tiny turns with his wheelchair before he could back it up into the space, all the while having a loud whispery conversation with his wife about every single move. It was annoying, but what really annoyed me was when he finally got the chair to the spot he wanted and then he STOOD UP and shook his legs out individually to adjust his pants! He was quite spry. He could have just stood up and pushed the chair to the spot instead of the enormous production he did backing it in while sitting in it. THEN he spilled his popcorn all over the floor between where he and I were sitting. It seemed like there was more popcorn on the floor than could possibly fit in the tiny bag he brought it in. Throughout the movie I caught him several times reaching down and grabbing floor-popcorn and eating it.

The movie was excellent. Sad. Acting was great. Michael Fassbender was a fabulous bastard. Chiwetel Ejiofor was marvelous. Brad Pitt was annoying.

When the first credit popped up at the end, I popped up as well so I could get the HELL of the theater before all the slow linger/door-blocking/pointless conversing could begin and trap me in that little room with the indecisive, confused, old bastards for the rest of the day.

1 comment:

  1. Given the subject matter of the film, it's unsurprising to say that 12 Years a Slave is moving, but it's a testament to the filmmaking just how devastating the experience of watching it actually is.


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