Frenemy, not nemesis. There's a difference.

I'm listening to This American Life on NPR and it's all about the mysterious phenomenon of frenemies.  It got me thinking about my own frenemies.  Frenemies are different from nemesises (nemesi?).  There are no illusions about having a friendship with a nemesis.  You just don't like each other, but you have to interact for some reason so you act civil with not-so-subtle undertones of utter bitchiness.   A frenemy is someone you might kind of like, but the relationship is not healthy for some reason or another.

Two of my frenemies came to mind when I heard this story on the radio.  The first was in high school.  We were both on the swim team.  She was a better swimmer, a better student; better at just about everything, but she had an urge to compete with me constantly and bask in her superiority, which in retrospect was pretty lame. It's like making a to-do list of things you've already done and then crossing them off.   I didn't really care.  I wasn't that competitive.  One time on the bus we had a contest to see who could stuff more cheeseballs in their mouth.   (Unbeknownst to her, that is one competition I can't lose.) I got thirty-three balls in my mouth and nobody else could even come close.  Not even my frenemy, even though she was motivated to maintain her utter dominance over me.   She was pretty upset at losing the cheeseball-stuffing contest and was a little huffy for the rest of the day, saying snide things about what a big mouth I have, blah de blah.

Fast forward to our ten-year class reunion.  I was newly married, it was late, she was drunk.  She was shamelessly and obviously hitting on Mitch.  He was afraid of her.  She was too drunk to notice.  She had him cornered against a pool table and was rubbing her obnoxious boobs all over him.  He crossed his arms in front of him and sort of stuck them out to create a space bubble for himself and was showing the first signs of panic.  I stood next to him and watched the whole thing and was highly entertained.  Who's the loser now? Bitch. 

The other frenemy I had when I got my first real teaching job.  I was pregnant, she was pregnant, and we were both English teachers.  Yay!  A friend!  We hung out a few times and it didn't take me long to figure out that she was weird.  She was constantly trying to convert me to her strange brand of Christianity, or get me into scrapbooking, or whatever.  I felt more like a project than a friend.  When I had my baby (Sam) I was sicker than a dog from the anesthesia they used in the O.R.  I was puking all day.  She and her weird husband came by the hospital and sat in two chairs at the end of my bed and stared at me for about an hour and a half while I puked over and over in a kidney dish. Fun for everyone!

Over the years our frenemyship continued, but got weirder and kind of scary.  Mitch thinks she was in love with me but hated herself for loving another woman (god hates gays) so would punish herself (and me) by doing nasty, passive aggressive things to me.

One time when she popped in I was cooking dinner which included some sort of meat and I got a lecture from her for a long time about how SHE isn't eating meat anymore because it's so unhealthy and she doesn't want to eat anything with a face, and don't I know how awful turkey farms are?  A few months later she got new leather furniture.  I'm pretty sure the cows who contributed the yards and yards of skin for her couch had faces. 

One time she had me cornered on my porch (I learned not to invite her inside because more than once she came in and walked all over my house with dog shit on her shoes.  Not kidding.  I don't think it was an accident either.  Yes, I actually think she purposely stepped in piles of dog shit when she knew she was coming to my house.)  So anyway, she was talking to me about her Volvo which was making a funny noise.  Just then, Mitch happened to get home from work.  She said, "Mitch, maybe you could help me, my Volvo is making a funny noise," and Mitch actually said:

"Sorry, I don't want to talk about your vulva."

And then he walked in the house.  My frenemy turned a thousand shades of red and I pretended I didn't hear what he said, and she was too mortified to repeat it.  Thanks, Mitch! (Actually, it was good because she was so flustered she left right after that.)  Luckily we moved and that pretty much ended my sick relationship with her.  She sends a mass Christmas letter every year, and last year there was some allusions to an "almost" affair she might have had and how she's learned to appreciate her family.  OMG, TMI! 

I don't have any frenemies now.  I have a nemesis, but not a frenemy.  Any takers? (just kidding)
Do you have any frenemies?

***Best comment ever:   "BTW...I think it is VERY important to always use the entire term "cheeseballs" when discussing how many of them you can fit into your mouth."

Go Team Go! (no, please, don't go)

We are right now at this very moment getting ready for Sam's (hopefully) last hockey game. They are in the playoffs and are a pretty good team. They are playing a team today that beat them 11 to 3 earlier in the season, so I am hoping with every fiber of my being that they get beaten today, (does that sound awful?) because if they don't get beaten today, they have a very good chance of going to the State Tournament which would mean a few weeks more of hockey and a(nother) weekend-long out-of-town tournament. I am willing to do just about anything to avoid that after watching 30,000 games, driving 110,000 miles to and from practices, and dealing with my nemesis.

I am thinking of hobbling their one and only goalie. I don't want to do it because he is the sweetest kid in the world, but he's a very good goalie. If someone were to give him a minor, totally non-permanent injury that would necessitate him wearing an eye patch for the next week or so, that would be perfect. "But Coach, I thought the puck was ten feet away and then it just went in! I don't know what happened!"

Perfect.

Another Nemesis

I think I may have ANOTHER nemesis! I have never had more than one at a time, so I'm kind of setting a record. This person is not technically my nemesis, I think she thinks I'm her nemesis, but I don't care about her one way or another so I guess the fact that she has built an animosity in her mind makes her my nemesis. Wait, what if she hasn't and I'm just imagining it and I've built the animosity in my mind? Does that make me crazy? No, it just makes for one more nemesis.

She is also a substitute teacher and one day we were at the same school and were having lunch at the same time. She told me that she used to work as a full-time teacher in the twin cities, and that she and her hubby moved here for his job and she can't find full-time work here so she subs. She asked where I usually sub and I told her and she said that she works there too, but mainly for one teacher who always asks for her but she didn't say who. I told her I was going to be in that building in a few days and she asked who I was going in for and I told her and it happened to be the teacher she is supposedly the regular sub for.

This crazy woman got tears in her eyes when she heard that I was subbing for him and she said, "Well, I don't know why he wouldn't have called me." The teachers don't call subs. They put the job into an automated system and they have the option to specify a sub, but most don't. I thought the whole exchange was so weird. Here I am at a crowded lunch table with a bunch of teachers and it looks as though I said something to make this unstable person cry. Awkward!

That was months ago, and I saw her again today at the very building we were talking about. She was working in the library, and I was teaching 4th grade. I brought my kids to the library and she told me I had the wrong time. I thought I might have so I double checked and it was the right time. She said, "Oh, you're subbing for Mr. So-and-so?" who isn't even the teacher she cried about and I was like, "Yeah, obviously."

So am I crazy or am I her nemesis?

I just re-read this and I sound a little crazy. I think it might be me. No, it's not. I know she's the crazy one. Yep, it's definitely her. Psycho. I think her nemesis name will be Mrs. Bawlbaby.

This is how much I love my son

I love him so much that on this, the first night of the last season of LOST, I took him to a hockey game. I sat there and froze my large buns off and listened to Emesis's husband, Vomitus, say that if the team didn't start playing better they weren't going to get the cookies Emesis brought for them, and they were going to go back to our arena and skate until they PUKE.

Yes, I listened to that and watched the 15,233rd game of the season which was another tie. Which means there was an overtime. Which means the game was just that much longer.

All this was happening and at home my woodstove was making my basement nice and toasty and LOST was starting. Now I'm watching it, but I missed an hour and I don't know what the heck is going on. Why were they all on the plane that landed in L.A.? That didn't happen. Did it? I saw Juliet die. Sad. I love Hurley's sideburn/chops. What is this cave they are going into and where is that creepy little guy, Ben, with the bulgy eyes? Who is the guy in the turban? Is it still the 70's? I will never catch up now.

That's how much I love my son.

I have a new nemesis

A person should always have a good nemesis don't you think? I hardly ever see my previous nemesis because our kids go to different schools now. She became my nemesis when Sam and her kid were in kindergarten and I ran into her at the grocery store and she asked why Sam wasn't in the all-day class because she thought all the slow-learners were in the all day class. She didn't actually say it that bluntly, but almost. Since then she was my nemesis. We actually became sort-of friends through the years. Turns out she is just a bit of a social moron, but otherwise pretty nice. So I have been without a nemesis for a while and when a person is without a nemesis, the universe just isn't balanced.

I have actually mentioned my newest nemesis before in the post Sports Fan, but in it you thought she was a fictitious combination of all obnoxious hockey parents. You were wrong. It's one person and she's very very real. I shall from now on call her "Emesis." (What? It's because it rhymes with nemesis, get it?)

She reached official nemesis status today when I went to pick Sam up at the arena where he was working at a high school event. He wasn't waiting for me so I was going to go in and pick him up. Emesis was working the entrance which wasn't really even an entrance, it was just a caution-tape-barricade in the parking lot, and she stopped me and told me I couldn't go any further without a ticket. I told her I was looking for Sam. She said it didn't matter, I still couldn't pass without a ticket. She said she would go in and have a look around and tell him I was waiting, presumably because she didn't want me stealing any hockey joy when everyone else paid for a ticket. Then she never came back.

Now Emesis is my nemesis and I am going to think VERY bad thoughts about her, and blog about her, and talk about her behind her back. She'll never know what hit her. (Seriously, she'll never know.)

Who's your nemesis and how did you get together?

Sports fan

The weirdest thing happened at hockey tonite. First of all, let me preface this story by saying that today was the 650th consecutive day of hockey. (It's getting a little tiresome.) So anyway, one of the team dads was hitting people up to buy raffle tickets for a team fundraiser, so everyone got some. Then one of the team moms went around told everyone that "we" were throwing a little party after the scrimmage tomorrow night (consecutive day #651) and everyone owes her $10 for the food. Annoying. So I gave up the only cash I have had in weeks. Then I watched as she moved along to the next parent and I actually saw the straw that broke the camel's back.

Super-duper hockey Mom (SDHM): Hi! We're hosting a party for the kids after the scrimmage tomorrow night and I'm asking everyone to pitch in ten dollars for the food!

Sick-to-death-of-goddamn-hockey Mom (STDOGDHM): I just bought raffle tickets!

SDHM: Yeah! The party is going to be really fun. We're having taco in a bag! And do you think you'd have time to make brownies tomorrow? We'll need about six pans so if you could make two pans that would be great!

STDOGDHM: Taco in a bag and brownies huh? Sounds GREAT! I can't wait! Let me get you your money. Hey, on second thought why don't you just take my debit card, my PIN is 5780, just take out what "the team" needs whenever. Then you won't have to ask me for something every goddamn night and I won't have to look at your perky goddamn face and fight the urge to rip your hair out.

Then SDHM started crying and ran out of the arena.


Just kidding. That didn't really happen. But it would be so great if it did.