It's going to be a sting-y summer

 Kira got in a fight with a bee again today.  She was outside with a handful of rocks, running and looking behind her, and she'd stop every few steps and do some evasive moves and then throw a rock.  I asked her what the heck she was doing and she said, "I'm throwing rocks at a bee."  She said the bee was chasing her.

A few days ago I saw her twirling on the front lawn while holding a bucket.  I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I can't talk right now.  I have a bee in this bucket and if I stop he'll get out and sting me!"  She kept spinning.

Yesterday I saw her with a butterfly net catching bees that were innocently collecting nectar off of clovers.  When asked why she would do such stupid thing, she said, "Because they make me mad."

Colorblindness and teeny birds

I think I might be colorblind.  Last time I dyed my hair I meant to dye it sort of a medium brownish and it was BLACK.  Today I got deck paint with the intention of painting my entire deck (this could take years) so the house doesn't look quite so, oh I don't know, abandoned.  I wanted something that looked cedar colored.   I painted the first portion and it is ORANGE! In my defense the hair dye was labeled "medium brown" and the deck paint was called "cedar," so even if I am colorblind, the labels are all wrong because I am not the only one who saw black hair and an orange deck.  The orange deck looks miles better than the unpainted portion of the deck even though it's orange, so that tells you how bad the deck was/is.  I'm too lazy to go up and take a picture so you'll just have to imagine it.

Don't freak out when you hear that buzzing, I'm not a bug! 

I'm a teeny adorable BIRD!

I have all the bird feeders going now too and the hummingbirds are back!  Yay!  They're my favorite.  They flew all the way from Panama in the last few weeks.  PANAMA!   Don't you feel lazy now?  I do!  I've never flown to Panama with my own teeny tiny wings, YET.

My new best friend

 

Natalie Dee:  I think she's my long-lost best friend.

She totally gets me.  

Turkey

I made myself a turkey for Mother's Day because if I didn't Mitch would have brought home KFC because he says, "The ladies love the bucket," but this lady thinks the bucket is pretty gross.  So I made a turkey that I got before Thanksgiving last year in case we didn't get invited anywhere.  That sucker took a week to thaw.  It was frozen SOLID for days.  I finally had to take it out of the fridge and let it thaw on the counter, which according to "experts" is a no-no, but come on, thaw already!

I'm a pretty good turkey maker, and this bird was beautiful.  Golden brown, crispy skin, delicious.  However, if it could have talked, this is what it would have said:

But of course it couldn't talk because it was beheaded, then frozen for 7 months, then dessicated in my oven.  It was surely dead.  It can only be eaten now on sandwiches with globs of mayonnaise to rehydrate it enough so that a person can safely eat it without having all their bodily fluids absorbed.  Still, it was better than the bucket. 

Remember when I said I was a pretty good turkey maker?  It's true, but one time I had a big family dinner and made a turkey.  It was beautiful and delicious and after the meal my dad said, "That was a really good turkey.  You did a nice job on that one!" and I was just making conversation and replied, "I know, it was pretty good, and I'm glad because boy, did it stink when I took it out of the package."

I actually saw my dad turn green.  He was a little peeved that I shared that with him.  I still think, what's the big deal?  It's a dead bird, of course it's going to stink.  You have to expect that.  If that grosses you out it's time to think about becoming a vegetarian because if you saw a movie of the life and times of that delicious turkey you would not be hungry for anything for a long long time.  However, even taking for granted that dead birds are going to stink, that particular dead bird REALLY stunk.  It was especially delicious when it was cooked though, so I think turkeys must be like cheese, the stinkier, the better. 

What did you do for Mother's day?  Other than making and eating turkey I sat in the sun and read a book and didn't do much else.  It was a pretty good day!

Isn't it May?

 

It's goddamn snowing.  I'm not too happy about it.  The kids and I came home from school and we are hunkering down in the basement watching re-runs of Quantum Leap, trying to stave off depression and homicidal tendencies.  

It cures what ails ya

RAAAAAARRRRR!!!!

Wow, I just re-read a few of my recent posts and all I have to say is RAAARRRR! (cat sound).  I'm so sorry, my internet friends, for being such a humongous bitch.  I'm also sorry for being so snide to Krista Tippet.  Keep doing what you're doing, Krista.  I don't like it, but who cares!  I can just SHUT IT.

And Charlaine Harris, I'm sorry for ripping your terrible book to shreds, especially since I'm only half done with it.  And I read it while I was tired and in pain and Mitch was snoring in my ear.  Not the best environment for reading your very successful, award-winning first novel.  I am just jealous of your ambition and recognition.  I still don't like it very much, but that's no reason to be a snot.  Sorry.

I promise to be a ray of sunshine from now on, internet.  You can count on me.

******************************

BTW, the cartoon is by Natalie Dee.  I found her a few days ago and I love her stuff.  I'll probably be using it a lot.  Thanks, Natalie!

Things Kira thinks about when it's quiet in the car

Today, she said, "If I had to carry a rock around with me for the rest of my life, I would hope it was a really small rock."

Which got me thinking of things like this she's said in the past:

"What if there was a truck on the road that said 'wide load' on it, and you stopped it and all it had in it was one little hot dog?"

"If there was a gate that said, 'Keep Out' and it was made of french fries, what would happen if you ate it?"

"If I had a rock band, it would be called the Invaders, and We. Would. Rock."