Sunday, April 25, 2010

Poor Jesus

I saw a picture the other day of a statue of Jesus and he was standing next to a cross, sort of resting his hand on it casually and gazing off into the middle distance like he and the cross were watching their kid's soccer game or something.  Is that not just a tad creepy?  Two thousand years after this man was brutally murdered, we honor him and his memory by using the very device used to torture and kill him as his personal symbol. If he's real (another post altogether) and is watching us from heaven, I bet that totally freaks him out. I bet he'd much rather we associated him with the fish (props to all the Jesus-fish people out there, but why only on the cars?). Or how about the wine into water?  That would make a cute necklace charm; Jesus standing between a pitcher of water and bottle of wine saying "TA DA!"  Much more pleasant.  Or I'm sure a jeweler could fashion an image of Jesus walking on water.  (That's just cool.)

When he's looking down at some little Catholic girl getting her first crucifix necklace as a confirmation gift, I bet he looks at it and thinks, "Yeah...I remember that day, that was literally the worst day of my life," and sighs, sad.  The Catholics make him so sad because of the ridiculous detail that they put into every crucifix hanging on millions of living room walls (and guest rooms of the not-quite-as-pious Catholics) complete with the blood from the lance-poke, lest anyone forget that after he died his excruciating death, he was stabbed in the side, just to add insult to injury.

Ouch, thanks for reminding me - Jesus

The Protestants don't make him quite as sad as the Catholics because they don't show him gorily hanging on the cross every chance they get, but boy do they have some huge crosses in front of their churches!  I think we can all agree that an unoccupied cross is an ominous cross (especially for Jesus).  I bet if Jesus was driving around a small town in his hybrid car, he would come around a corner of a progressive church built in the 70's and he wouldn't know it was a church because it doesn't look like a church, and then all of a sudden he would see the enormous red cross in the entrance and get startled and say, "Jesus..." and keep on driving. I bet if it was instead the water/wine image, he might stop in to say hi.  Of course, then he'd see the communion ritual and he'd ask someone what they were all doing and we'd hear him say, (a little too loudly for church) "They're eating WHAT?"

And if that's not bad enough, what about this?

Morning, Jesus!  Hungry?

Hot Cross buns? Sick!  Making the torture device of the savior into a delicious pastry?!  If poor Jesus was executed in the 21st century instead of the first, people 2000 years from now would probably be eating Hot Gas Chamber buns, or Hot Electric Chair buns, or Hot Noose buns (If Jesus lived in Washington or Delaware).  Hot Noose buns would probably be the easiest to make.  Not as easy as Hot Cross buns though.  That's easy for the baker and terrifying for Jesus! Win, win huh, Christians?!  Every Hot Cross bun is a veiled threat from the little blue-haired Lutheran ladies in the church kitchen after Easter services:  "Keep saving our souls, Jesus..... or else."

If the worst day of your life was immortalized in an image, what would it be and wouldn't you get tired of seeing it everywhere?   How about that time you puked on your desk in seventh grade?  That was pretty bad.  How would you like to see billions of people wearing that image around their necks?

Think about it.

My guess is that 600 and some years after Jesus's death, the prophet Mohammed saw the gory crucifixes and ominous crosses everywhere and said, "You know what guys, when I fly this magical winged horse of fire up to heaven;  no pictures.  In fact, no images at all, ever."  (He hated having his picture taken, just like my mom does.)  Then he said, "Hey, step away from the horse.... What do you mean, 'he doesn't have wings,' sure he does.  They're just tucked in right now.  You can't see them when they're tucked in.... Well, he's not on fire RIGHT NOW, he doesn't do that until it's go time, and obviously, it's not go time yet.  Just get away from the horse."

In retrospect, Jesus thinks that whole scene was a good move on Mohammed's part and wishes he did the same thing, if only to save himself 2000 years of the heebie jeebies.


  1. I'm sure I'll go to hell for laughing at this. Oh well, totally worth it!

  2. Mine would be the toilet on a fishing boat in Mexico.

    p.s. agreed about the cross.

  3. Good stuff!

    I was raised catholic and went to catholic school (with REAL NUNS! Oh the horror!) so pardon my nitpicking...

    You said, "lest anyone forget that after he died his excruciating death, he was stabbed in the side..."

    Doctrine says that the son of god could not be killed by a mere cross and and nails! The "Spear of Destiny", a magical object, is what actually killed him.

    So goes doctrine! :)

  4. I just read this because I read 'hobo siren' and was curious. I can see that you are a real THINKER. (no I did not misspell stinker). The next time Jehovah's Witnesses knock on your door, tell them how you feel about this. They will love it! I enjoyed this myself.

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