Nobel stiffed me again (that's what she said)

Hi Everyone!  Thanks so much for the questions you sent me for my FAQ page.  It's up but it's still a work in progress so keep sending me questions.  My goal is to have the world record for the longest, most obnoxious FAQ page.  (hey, I've got to make my mark somehow)

Well, I woke up this morning kind of depressed because another year has gone by and I didn't win a Nobel Prize.  Again.  (Thanks for nothing, Nobel Prize committee!)  But then my sister called me with my itinerary for my trip to Washington D.C. at the end of the month!*  Yay!  A trip!  This is her gift to me for my big fortieth birthday and it's WAY better than what I got her for her birthday. (just kidding, Amy, you'll love it**) I'm going to spend a ridiculous amount of time at the Smithsonian (because of the movie Night at the Museum) (just kidding) (not really).  And I'm going to look at all the good stuff Washington has to offer (Ikea), but the best part is that I'm going to the Jon Stewart rally.  

 

I've never been to anything like this before but it looks like fun.  I'm not that crazy about crowds, or standing for long periods of time, or peeing in port-a-potties, but I'm going to jump out of my comfort zone and do something interesting!  Because not only is it a rally, it is a dual rally:

If I'm overcome by my dislike (paralyzing fear) of huge crowds of people, or my loathing of public toilets, I can just jump over to the fear rally and celebrate my charming idiosyncrasies instead of trying to overcome them.

The best part is that my Aunt Other Sarah and Uncle T-bone and Amy will be there too.  It's going to be so fun!

To you travelers out there:  What should I do with my car at the Minneapolis Airport?  Or should I take a shuttle bus from Duluth?  I'm leaning toward driving myself at this point.  Any tips?

* Btw, Mitch, I'm going to be gone for five days at the end of the month.
**(no, she won't)

I'm being terrorized in my own home

No, Mitch is not beating me (much), I'm being terrorized by a BEAR!  If you didn't know it, bears are on my list of things I'm afraid of.  Yesterday I washed the hummingbird feeders and filled up the rest of my feeders with fresh super-deluxe black oil sunflower seeds.  (nothing but the best for my birds!)  I woke up this morning to bird-feeder carnage:

Look, teeth marks! From teeth like this: 

And the giant asshole didn't even eat the thistle seeds that were in that feeder.  It was just senseless violence.  Thanks a lot, asshole!  Thistle seed isn't exactly cheap, you know!

Then I looked around the yard and saw more carnage:

Bird World never had a chance.  It was hanging in a tree on a cute little iron hanger that I got from the dollar store.  I can't find the hanger anywhere, but does the bear care about that?  Nooooooooo!

This cheap plastic feeder never saw it coming.  It was already brittle from the sun.  The stupid bear shattered it into a million pieces.  I hope he got little cuts in his mouth like I get when I eat Doritos. 
 

For some reason he missed this one.  It's my favorite one because the stupid squirrels can't get any seeds from it.  Ha Ha, you stupid bear!  (and a continuing "ha ha" for you too, you stupid squirrels!)

Unfortunately I can't go outside anymore because now that the bear knows there is food around here, I know he's out there waiting, like this:

He might look sophisticated, but given the chance, he would eat my head. 

I'm not even kidding.  They go after the head presumably because they like brains.  Like zombies.  Still think they are adorable? 

Well, let's not forget what a dick Winnie the Pooh really is.  And he's fictional!  Even fictional bears are jerks.  Hey, how's this for adorable:

Horrifying bloody gore and oh, look who happens to be responsible for it!  A BEAR! Surprise, surprise!  People don't take bears seriously enough.  Bear attacks are nothing to make light of.

Oh, lady, you're so funny pretending a giant grizzly bear is eating YOUR BABY.  You wouldn't be laughing so hard if there really was a bear around because he really would eat your baby's delicious chubby little legs.  He'd make you watch and then he'd chew on your head for a while which would be perfectly seasoned from your salty tears.  Still laughing?!

Holy shit, he's looking at me now!  Somebody call animal control!

Irrational Fears

I think I may have a touch of OCD and it manifests itself in irrational fears that I worry about and fret over. I have lots of rational fears too, but they aren't very fun to talk about so this is just a list of the most ridiculous things I'm afraid of. Maybe if I shed some light on them, they will stop bothering me.

1. Dropping my iPod into the toilet. I don't even bring it in the bathroom, but I'm pretty sure someday, somehow, it will meet its fate in a toilet.

2. Going bald

3. Becoming a quadriplegic. This would be a rational fear if I ever did anything dangerous, but I don't so it's irrational. And it's also a fear because Mitch asked me one day if I'd ever wear a shirt that said "Jam Out with your Clam Out" on it. I said no, obviously, gross. And he said, "If you're ever a quadriplegic you'll wear that shirt every day."

4. Bears. I watched a documentary about Yellowstone the other day and it re-awakened my irrational fear of bears. They are so fast and bloodthirsty!

yikes!

5. Spiders crawling in my mouth when I sleep.

6. Flesh eating bacteria.

7. Nuclear winter.

8. Sharks.

9. This crab:

So, what are your irrational fears? Public speaking? Dying alone? Peeing your pants at work? (been there, done that; not that scary) Tell me in the comments!