Saturday, July 23, 2016

20 Things About My Summer

Hey there, everybody!  It has been one heck of a summer.  Let me just make a list:

1. I am on the school board at my school.  The chairman wanted to step down and I was nominated to replace him.  I didn't want to do it.  I hedged and stalled but was voted in and reluctantly accepted the job.

2. The board decided not to renew our director's contract.  As chair of the board, I got to tell him.  He didn't take it well.

3.  The staff of the school was pissed and, as the voice of the board,  I got to deal with the backlash.

4.  During the whole work crisis our home internet went out.  And stayed out for six weeks.

5. I've been working all summer.  I'm a teacher.  I get teacher pay.  But I'm the head of the board.  So I work.

6.  We had a storm a couple weeks ago and our power was out for two days.

7.  We live out in the sticks so we have a well which is run by an electric pump so when the power is out, so is the water.

8. The septic system broke and Mitch had to dig up the tank to fix it.  We couldn't use the toilet for a day.

9. The stress a person experiences when they don't know where they are going to poop is greater than you might expect.

10. We had another bigger storm and several trees broke, one of them fell into the septic hole.

11. Since the latest storm we have not had power for three days and it's not expected to be back for three more.

12.  Two of the three days we have not had power were the hottest days on record.

13. I have not used a toilet this infrequently since I was in diapers.

14.  I have not showered this infrequently since last summer. (nothing was wrong last summer, I just had a phase of not caring much about hygiene.)

15. I am afraid that a lack of convenience for hygiene is going to wipe away any refinement I might have.  For instance, I now see nothing wrong with wearing my underwear to a public beach.  My underwear are older than some middle schoolers.

16.  Donald Trump is seriously SERIOUSLY the nominee for the Republican party for President of the United States.  SERIOUSLY.

17.  Donald Fucking Trump.

18.  I think my voting-age son likes the idea of Trump as a president.

19.  I am frantically trying to think of a convincing way to tell my voting-age son that our precinct doesn't vote until Wednesday, November 9.  Is that voter fraud?  I don't really care if it is.  It's for the greater good.

20.  The forecast for the next few days calls for torrential rain and flash floods.

Is it the apocalypse?  Because if it is I'm going to resign from the board and eat a donut every day until the end of times.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

The Boat Show

The Boat Show is in Duluth this weekend at the Duluth Entertainment and Convention Center.  I don't find anything fun or entertaining about the boat show.  It's hot, crowded, boring and full of foods that seem like a good idea but then turn quickly into diarrhea.  (I'm talking to you, corn dogs and mini-donuts.)  All the men in my life are excited for the boat show.  I didn't really know why, besides looking at a bunch of boats nobody can afford to buy, but then I got to the bottom of it.  Sam said, "There is going to be a water-skiing squirrel there!"

Without thinking I said, "Oh Sam, water-skiing squirrels aren't really skiing, they are standing on a platform that has skis attached to it.  And the little boat isn't going fast enough to even convince anyone that he could be skiing.  The boat would have to go a lot faster.  He's not skiing, Sam.  He's just standing."

Sam said, "Oh......................... I didn't know all that."

I ruined it for my boy!  It's like I told him Santa isn't real.  Just because he's 19 doesn't mean my parenting duties are over.  How mean of me.

Mitch is going to the Boat Show too.  He was talking to his friend, Chuck, on the phone today, making plans to go and while he was talking I did this annoying thing I've been doing for YEARS.  He says something and I use a Beeker the muppet voice to mock him quietly in the background.  Like so:

Mitch:  I think I will head down to my office around five and do a couple of hours of work beforehand.
Me: Me me me me me me me me meme meme me me me me meme me me me me mememe.
Mitch: I think the doors open at five.
Me: Me me me me meme me me.
Mitch: I suppose I'll be done around six or seven, what's the hurry?
Me:  Me meme me me me meme me me me, me me meme?

Until today, Mitch has never ever said anything about me doing this very annoying thing.  Never once in years.  Sure, he leaves the room, but he has never actually asked me to stop or told me I'm annoying.  I took it as a sign that he likes it and would like me to keep doing it indefinitely.  That's fine with me because I really like doing it.

Today he got off the phone and said, "You know, people can hear you when you do that."
The damn burst.  I laughed way harder than was warranted because 1) He finally said something!  and 2) I KNOW people can hear me doing it!  THAT'S WHY I DO IT!

Then he said, "Boy.... Chuck really wants to see that squirrel."