Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Report Card Day

Sam, my sweet, uncoordinated, awkward adolescent, got his report card today and he was very proud of it. He showed it to me and here is a portion of our conversation:

Me: It's really good, but how on earth does a person go from having A's in gym all year, to suddenly getting a B+?

Sam: Mom! We've been doing a whole unit on jump-roping and --

Me (interrupting): Oh, say no more.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Benign neglect and free food

Digging for bait

I might write a book about all the advantages there are to ignoring your kids. For example, Sam and Kira, like every other kid on the planet, would love to have cell phones and a Wii, and their own laptops, but they don't have any of it. Is it because I have a principled reason for denying them the latest electronic technology? No. It's because that stuff costs a lot of money and I am saving up for an iPhone for myself.

So my kids have found other ways to entertain themselves. When Kira gets home from school FULL of energy and obnoxiousness, I make her go outside (away from me). She has taken up fishing at the river down the road. She rifled through the shed and found a fishing rod, put a hook on it, and has started harvesting worms from my garden. AND while she digs for worms, she's aerating the soil so I don't have to do it! It couldn't have worked out better! And there is nothing cuter than seeing her hike down the road with her rod over her shoulder and her bait bucket in her hand. She hasn't caught a fish yet, but she has found 23 worms!

Bruising squirrels

Maisy got a squirrel treed today and it was driving her nuts so Sam got his bb gun and tried to take care of business, but as he said, "The squirrel can hear the trigger and then dodges the bb." It's not because Sam has bad aim, or that the bb is moving slow enough to easily follow with your eye, it's because the squirrel knows the sound of a trigger and can predict the trajectory of the bb. Actually, I think the bbs were hitting the squirrel because I thought I heard it say in its little squirrel voice, "Ow! What do you think you're doing? That's gonna leave a bruise!"

If Sam figures out a way to kill the squirrels and Kira manages to catch some fish, I may not have to go grocery shopping anymore!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

President Logs

The kids and I were playing a game of Child Abuse Math tonite before bed (because the kids forced their skinny little arms into my hands and demanded it) and it got so silly. I've expanded the game to cover all the subjects instead of just math now, and one of Kira's questions was "Who was the president who freed the slaves" and then I proceeded to squeeze her arm harder and harder until she gave an answer. She was so excited (and probably distracted from the pain) that she yelled out "Abraham Lincoln Logs!" and we all started cracking up laughing.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Chicken Swap

This morning I got the family up bright and early so we could go to the Carlton County Chicken Swap. It's exactly what it sounds like, except there are all kinds of animals, food, cages and stuff to swap as well as chickens. We didn't get anything this morning because I DON'T HAVE A COOP YET, but it was fun to look. We saw a rooster that was easily 30 pounds. It had only one eye and it was scarred all over its body. What kind of animal is tough enough to go that many rounds with a seasoned rooster? Whatever it was it is probably dead now. That rooster was free of charge. I liked it, but it was shooting death lasers at Sam through its one good eye and clicking it's terrifying spurs together so I thought better of it.

This isn't the rooster that I saw, but it was almost this big.

I saw a goat that was no bigger than a schnauzer. I told Mitch it would be nice to have a house-goat and as I was saying it, the little goat crapped a million pebble sized turds as though in cahoots with Mitch to prove to me that goats aren't good house pets. I would love to hear the clippity clop of little hooves on the kitchen floor in the morning. I also saw a goat with one horn. I think that is technically a unicorn.

The house-goat wasn't swinging,
but it was every bit as cute as this one.

I also saw a woman walking around on crutches and she was carrying a catheter bag and the hose was snaked up her pant leg. I don't think the chicken swap is the best place for the medically vulnerable. She was buying a pony.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Sixth Sense

Sam bugs me everytime we rent movies about getting something scary and gory. He thinks he can handle it. I keep telling him that most of those movies are just stupid and boring and gross, but he's dying to see something scary anyway. So tonite I got The Sixth Sense. We watched it together and the only time he really jumped was when that ghost was under the bed and grabbed the kid's leg, and also when I screamed as loud as I could for no good reason during a quiet part. I could almost hear his heart beating!

I haven't seen that movie in years, and I remember being scared out of my mind during some parts of it, but this time when I saw it I thought the story was so overwhelmingly sad that the scary parts weren't even that scary. Poor dead people just want to send off one last message to their loved ones, so they go to this little weird boy for help, but they are such social ignoramuses that all they do is scare the shit out of him and let's face it, that's not helping anybody. Little tip for all the ghosts: when you visit the medium, especially a young and vulnerable medium who's just getting into the biz, don't do it by hiding in his blanket-fort while he's in the bathroom peeing in the middle of the night. And then as if the fact that you're a ghost and you've snuck into his bedroom isn't startling enough, do you have to do it with vomit flowing out of your mouth? That is so tacky! Try during the day, in public, at a park. Just walk up nicely and introduce yourself. "Hi, My name is Jane and I'm actually a ghost and I'm finding this whole being-dead thing a little disconcerting and I could use your help since you're the only one who seems to be able to see me. Could you do me a fave?" Remember, ghosts, you catch more flies with honey!

Sam handled his first scary movie pretty well, although I notice that his light is still on. Now the question: to scare or not to scare? I'm thinking of slinking silently along the floor until I get up to his bed and then grabbing his arm and yelling "RAAAAARRRRR! I'M A GHOST!"

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What I said/What she heard Part II

I said, "Hey Kira, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed."

What she heard: "Hey Kira, go find an enormous jack-knife then go on the deck and whittle."

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Daily Beating

Pre-beating: Anxious

Does anyone else out there have kids who beg and plead for a beating? Both of my kids actually say the words, "Give me a beating!" They even negotiate for beatings: "If I get my homework done before dinner can I have a beating?" Sure!

Can it really be called abuse when they literally ask for it and are delighted when they get what they want? Who knew abuse was so subjective? In my own defense, I don't actually punch or kick. It's only open-handed slaps. (kidding! more of a wrestle-tickle roughhousing. [I would hate it if someone did it to me]) Today after school I had to beat Kira because she cleaned her room and made her bed. Then Sam saw that she was getting a beating, so he wanted one so I had to beat him too. Just because he's a good kid. I worked all day, I was tired! I just wanted to sit on the couch and look at Facebook for a while! But being a mom is hard work and you have to always remember that the child comes FIRST, and apparently a beaten child is a happy child.

But seriously, what does this mean for their future? Sam likes the daily beating, but Kira absolutely lives for it. She likes a pain challenge. She says, "Give me an snake bite!" (Indian burn, for those of you who grew up before racism was so out of style) So I give her the snake bite. Then she wants it harder. I end up curious to see how hard I can do it without her complaining about the pain. (FYI, it's hard enough where I'm concerned about ripping her tender little skin, and I get a little nauseous.) We've never reached her pain threshold. Thank goodness we're not into corporal punishment because it would be absolutely useless on her.

So I wonder where this love for pain will get her? Will she be a spy who can be captured and tortured and still not talk? Professional football player? Boxer? Madam at Ye Olde S&M shoppe? Social worker? Nah, not social worker. She can take physical pain with the best of them, but she can't take sadness. She watched the movie Skip about a boy and a dog and (spoiler alert!) the dog dies at the end after a happy and fulfilling and adventurous life. We were up for days talking about how sad it was that the dog died. She couldn't sleep thinking about it. So placing foster children would probably do her in. Sadness is her kryptonite. I'll stick with the loving, motherly snake bites.

Post-beating: Happy and content

Monday, April 20, 2009

Hearing impaired

I said to Kira, "Hey Kira, go upstairs and clean up your room. It's a mess. "

What she heard:

"Hey Kira, go upstairs and stick crap all over your face and make your room messier."

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Picking: Yes! Collecting: NO

This afternoon in the car, Kira showed me a scab she is cultivating on her elbow. She got it falling off a log (it was easy) and she is nurturing it to peak pickablility. Which reminded me that my grandma just sent me a letter telling me that she has a scab the size of a quarter on her knee and it is very pickable right now. I told Kira that and she said, "Ohhhhh......" and I noticed that both of our mouths were watering. Then she asked me if we could ask Grandma to send us the scab to which I responded with a horrified look and she realized that she crossed a line of grossness.

Big Kid in a Little Shirt

Sam found a shirt from when he was a baby. I saved it because I thought it was so cute. Watching him force his way into it was pretty funny. I wish I could have gotten video of it. Watching him try to get it off was even funnier. He actually started sweating.

Here is the funny dance he did while wearing it:

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Mom Rocks!

Today Sam explained to me how to make french toast sticks. First you make french toast, then you cut it into thin pieces, or "sticks."

He thinks I am the stupidest person in the world. When he was really little if he talked about my dad, he would say something like, "And then Grandpa.... (turn and look at me condescendingly) you know, your dad.... blah blah blah." He was always very patient with my idiocy. He's a nice boy.

Today I put an easter egg that I had decorated in his lunch. I wrote "Mom Rocks!" in wax and then dyed it hot pink. I asked if he liked it and he said he did. I asked if anyone said anything about it and he said, "No, because I peeled it with my lunchbox lid closed."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

More Horrible Facts

More horrible facts from 1001 Horrible Facts:

1. It would take 20 minutes to pour all the human urine produced in a single day over Niagara Falls. (COOL!)

Think about it, that's A LOT.

2. King Louis IV of France had a stomach twice the size of a normal human stomach. (How the heck would anyone know that?)

3. The longest tapeworm ever found in a human was 108 feet.
(I wonder how much it weighed?)

4. Over a ton of pubic hair has to be filtered out of London's sewage each year and be removed to landfill sites.
(I couldn't find a picture. Sorry!)

5. There is enough sulfur in the human body to kill all the fleas on a dog. (Question: How many fleas are on a dog? Are we talking about a chihuahua or a Great Pyrenees? I think I could casually "expel" enough sulfur to kill all the fleas on a chihuahua, if the chihuahua was strategically placed; but I'd be hard pressed to kill a mature colony on a Great Pyrenees without some sort of medical intervention.)

Oh CUTE! They play guitar!

6. The pearl fish swims into a sea cucumber's anus and lives inside it during the day, coming out at night. The sea cucumber breathes through it's anus, so it can't keep the fish out. (I have several questions about this one:
1. Why does the pearl fish only stay in the sea cucumber's anus during the day?
2. What is it doing at night?
3. Why do people assume it's the sea cucumber's anus and not it's mouth, if that's where it breathes?
4. Why not just call it it's mouth?
5. Was some crazy know-it-all marine biologist asked which end was the mouth and which end was the anus, and not knowing, he just guessed, and then later was he busted when the sea cucumber was caught eating and breathing with it's anus and crapping with it's mouth?
6. Did he then say, "Oh, it's a mysterious animal, this sea cucumber. Now don't bother me, I'm an important marine biologist and I'm off to find the elusive SeaCheez-it that has an amazing ability to hear things with it's ear-shaped rectum!"?
7. Why is it that because the sea cucumber breathes out of it's anus, it can't keep the fish out?
8. Hasn't the sea cucumber ever heard of spitting?)

Mouth? Or anus?
(aren't you glad people don't ask that when they look at pictures of you?

See, there's something to be thankful for every day.)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Week in Review

My week of freedom is over and I don't have a lot to show for it except another afghan, and I read a LOT of Twilight (again.) Pathetic? Maybe, but it was fun. The kids had a fun week. Here are some of their highlights:

My parents let them ride their bikes to the dollar store whenever they wanted so they made that a daily ritual.

Sam said he almost got hit by a car on his bike and he etched the face of the teenager who was driving in his mind. (to plot revenge)

Kira drove my mother crazy by going outside, getting wet, coming in and changing; going outside, getting wet, coming in and changing; etc. etc.

Sam got a ball on a string from the dollar store with the intention of throwing it at the crazy-driving-teenager if he ever saw him. (It was on a string, so it was more of a fake-out revenge. Sam doesn't want to incur the wrath of an unpredictable teenager. [or lose his ball])

My sister's beagle is probably suffering from PTSD from all the attention Kira gave it throughout the week.

Sam taped a flashlight to the handlebars of his bike, but instead of having it point ahead of him, he had it pointing straight down so it would illuminate the big pothole by the dollar store at EXACTLY the moment he was going over it. (Oh btw, he never rode the bike in the dark.)

Later in the week, Sam actually saw the teenager who almost hit him with the car walking down the street, and happened to have his ball-on-a-string handy so he worked up the courage to put his revenge plan into effect. Unfortunately the ball-on-a-string was from the dollar store so when he threw it the string broke, but fortunately Sam's throwing aim isn't the greatest so the ball missed the teenager by a mile and hit a truck instead.

Today we celebrated Easter over at my in-laws and during dinner the whole family told story after hilarious story about falling from heights. My fave was the story of Mitch's dad fixing a roof when Mitch was about four. Mitch was too little to be unsupervised, but also too young to be set free on a roof, so the compromise was to nail the back of Mitch's shirt securely to the roof. Unfortunately Mitch's dad slipped and started falling and as he was falling and rolling and grabbing at anything and everything, he yelled out, "CALL YOUR MOTHER!" He broke his arm but he was okay. Eventually. I was laughing too hard to ask how Mitch got down.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


It's that time of year again, folks, I mean skinstache time. What is a skinstache, you ask? It is a patch of melasma (the same thing as the dark line that runs down a pregnant woman's belly) but when it's on the face it limits itself to the upper lip and around the mouth, kind of like age spots, but instead of a nice brown color it is exactly the same color as Fred Flintstone's five o'clock shadow.

And it gets darker with sun exposure!
Ha ha, Mother Nature! You're so funny!! I personally have been blessed with a thin skinstache immediately above my upper lip, and then wider on the sides of my mouth. Kind of a pervy '70's looking 'stache.

So today I started applying sunscreen to the skinstache areas hoping that this year I can prevent even one person from eyeing me up and saying, "Hey,... you got a little dirt or something around your mouth."

Thursday, April 9, 2009

iPod fun

I was driving from Northfield home to Duluth today and I decided to listen to at least five seconds of every single thing I have on my iPod. There is sooooooo much on there! I found some stuff I didn't realize was so good, some stuff I didn't realize was so bad, and some stuff that made me say WTF is this doing on my iPod? Here's the WTF list:

1. Don't Cry For Me, Argentina by Abba
2. Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by Wham
3. You're First, Last, Everything by Barry White
4. I Ran by Flock of Seagulls (I HATE that song!)
5. Beat It by Michael Jackson
6. Beat It, Moby vs. Michael Jackson by Moby
7. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (In my opinion as an English major, this book sucks ass. Sorry Mark Twain.)
8. These Boots Are Made for Walking by Nancy Sinatra
9. Unforgettable by Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole (super creepy duet)
10. Is That All There Is? by Brenda Lee
11. 867-5309 (HATE that song!)
12. Mr. Roboto by Styx. (Guess what? Styx Stinks, that's what.)

How did these things get on my iPod? I usually listen to a few playlists and never hear all the stuff I have on there. Oh, by the way, what was I thinking when I downloaded a Supertramp Greatest Hits album? I don't know what.

I also made some happy discoveries:

1. The band Muse is really good.
2. Ballroom Blitz is a great song.
3. Queen is an awesome band.
4. I should have listened to the second album by Maroon 5 a year ago when I bought it. It's pretty good.
5. Enya can put you into a coma. (not exactly a happy discovery when you're driving)
6. Cheap Trick is better than you think.
7. I like These Boots Are Made For Walking by Nancy Sinatra and I choreographed a little dance in my head while I was listening to it.
8. Dexy's Midnight Runners = good stuff.
9. Little tip - Don't count out Rick Springfield!

Thanks again, Amy, for getting me the iPod so long ago. I still love it.


My parents sent me this picture of their three grandchildren. Kira is insanely jealous of Sid (baby). She says Sid's annoying and she stinks. (She's not annoying and she doesn't stink.) But my mom did see Kira talking sweetly with Sid today, and making her smile, so maybe she's coming around a little. Sam loves Sid. He especially loves it when she rolls onto her stomach and her arm gets jammed underneath her and she gets frustrated trying to pull it out. He thinks that is really funny.

Northfield and Barbie

I spent the last couple days visiting my Grandma in Northfield. I also saw a cousin I haven't seen in a really long time, and met some new friends. Did I take any pictures of people? No. Would a picture of my Grandma laughing her ass off at Twilight have been a keeper? Definitely. Would it have been nice to have a picture of me together with Grandma, aunts and cousins? Sure! Did I remember that my camera was in my purse when I had an opportunity to take these pictures? NO!

But I did happen to remember it when my aunt and I were playing with her barbie clothes. I thought it was a little strange when she sent me an email that said only, "Bring your barbie." But I went with it. She has a friend who sews barbie clothes and they were absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. My barbie was in heaven. Here's how she looked:

This is an evening gown that barbie might wear to the Oscars or some other equally important actor award program. Stunning! It was lined and all the little tiny seams were perfect.

This is a gorgeous old-timey Dr. Quinn dress. It has a removable bustle for when Dr. Quinn's clinic gets really busy and she has to race around saving lives giving out laudenum. You go, Dr. Quinn! You can't see it in the picture, but the blouse has little tiny pearl buttons going down the front.

This is another evening dress, but instead of wearing it to an awards show, she would probably wear this singing Ella Fitzgerald songs at a jazz club. Notice the tiny pearl necklace, bracelet and earrings. Barbie wasn't crazy about the earrings because they are sharp and I had to jab them into her head. And the gloves, my god, the gloves!

I have saved the best for last. This is a replica of the wedding dress that Jackie O. wore in her wedding to JFK. It looks JUST like it! The veil has a long lace train. Barbie was really excited about the dress and was pushing Ken into setting a date, but Ken wasn't all that excited about "making it legal" so Barbie did a little accesorizing that would help convince him.

That's a gun in her cleavage. My contribution to the barbie playtime. Barbie belongs to the NRA, did you know that?

So anyway, we had a great time with the Barbie clothes. Thank you so much to Sarah's friend Vicki for making the clothes and more importantly, for letting us play with them. Vicki even sent her Barbie along because she said "Barbie has cabin fever and would love a trip to Minnesota." and dressed her in traveling clothes for the trip. Hilarious!

Dear Man In The Blue Dodge Neon On I35,

I know I pulled into the left lane in front of you, but when I did it you were miles behind me and I had to do it because someone was merging onto the freeway and I had to move or get crashed into. I thought the fact that you raced up behind me, tailgated me, and then made rude hand gestures impolite and unnecessary because I was going to move back to the right lane as soon as safely possible. When I saw you having a temper tantrum, I decided not to move back to the right lane and took the opportunity to trap you behind a school bus for a few miles and pretended I didn't see you freaking out next to me. At the time it was fun, but now that I think about it, maybe you had an emergency or had to go to the bathroom or something. If that was the case I guess next time you shouldn't be so impatient and rude.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I cleaned Sam's crayfish tank and the crayfish got out and got in a fight. I don't know where they got the switchblades. Pockets?

Fun at the office

This pic was taken when Mitch first got his computer. We spent days crowding him out of his office taking pics of ourselves. I spent a good part of the morning in Mitch's office today. He spring cleaned it, got a new desk, got a new bookshelf, got all the taxes and books up to date... and I helped! So I am now the Swampthing Environmental employee of the month! Seriously, he even has a picture of me on the wall of the office but I don't have a plaque yet. Get on it Boss! Unfortunately, I think I may have to file a sexual harassment claim against him because when I was working in there he kept calling me his "sexetary" and he swatted my butt once.
I'm documenting EVERYTHING.

what if?

Monday, April 6, 2009

Big Smile and a bloody airbag

My parents sent me this picture. My mom cut Kira's bangs and I thought it was a really cute pic. The kids have been having a good time on their spring break. My dad brought them to the junk yard today to look for stuff to make a go-cart or something like it. Sam was very interested in all the mechanical stuff. Kira was very interested in the bloody airbag of the truck that had been in a head-on collision.

Still not arrested

I have been without kids for two days now, and still have not been arrested.
Not. Even. Close.
This is what I've been doing with my time:

loads and loads of laundry (what did the kids pack to wear? It seems like everything was in the wash)

Cleaned half the house

Went out for dinner with Mitch at McDonalds. (Seriously, what is wrong with us?)

Got a haircut

Got my oil changed

Got tax stuff ready for the accountant

Started crocheting a new blanket

Is this sad or what? I told Jared I would consider his list of ideas my "to do" list. Here is what they are:

1. Stalk and kill a hobo a la "The Most Dangerous Game".
2. Found a religion.
3. Initiate a frivolous lawsuit.
4. Impersonate a police officer (with the aim of doing a better job).
5. Learn how to make black powder (if you don't already know how).
6. Shave your head.
7. Shave someone else's head.
8. Make ice cream with liquid nitrogen.
9. Study witchcraft.
10. Spend an entire afternoon grabbing and smashing the mobile phones of all the people you see using them in a checkout line. If you're confronted, make low burbling chainsaw noises with your mouth and throat while doing a sort of spastic dance to and fro in front of the irate ex-owner of the phone (remember, the arms really *sell* any such dance). Repeat as necessary.

#1, I can't do it. I just haven't met a deserving hobo yet. From what I've seen they aren't all that hard to hunt anyway, they're not the fastest runners.

#2 I sort of already did that. Well, not me, but Sam. When he was five we went out to lunch with a religious frienemy of mine and before we ate she made everyone join hands and she prayed for what seemed like hours thanking God for the bland taco salad she made. We aren't religious, so Sam never saw anything quite like that before. He stared at her the whole time she was praying, and when she was (finally) finished, he said, "... WHO are you TALKING to?" and she did her best to give him a primer on Christianity. He listened and then said, "Oh! You mean the Owner!" Later when I talked to him about it he said that the Owner was the one who made the whole world and everything in it. Being the religious skeptic that I am, I said, "Oh yeah, well who made the Owner?" and he said, "Mother Nature." I said, "Who made Mother Nature?" thinking I had him now! He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "Mom... she made herself." Of course. So although the Owner religion isn't all that organized, it is sort of a religion. Thank you Sam!

#3 Too much paperwork.

#4 That's on the list for tonite. (Well, I have the cuffs anyway; hubba hubba, Mitch!)

#5 I'm not sure what black powder is unless it is the stuff with saltpeter, sulfur and charcoal. If so, no thanks, too stinky.

#6 I got a haircut! Does that count? It's kind of cute in a pre-menopausal hausfrau sort of way. I can't shave it. I would look more like Telly Savalas than Sinead O'Connor.

#7 The only other person's head I have access to is Mitch's, and I can't do that because his head is really pointy and I think his scalp would probably be blindingly white. He'd look like a thumb.

#8 That sounds interesting. Maybe later in the week...

#9 Done it. And palm reading.

#10 This is my favorite idea. I like the idea of the dance. In fact I have the dance all choreographed, I just have to work up the guts to do the rest.

So... not starting off very reckless, but maybe after I get the house totally cleaned and get a few more rows done on my new blanket, then the wild side of me will kick in. I'll keep you posted, unless I go to jail and there is no internet access.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Living on the edge

My kids are gone for spring break for the week! They went to Tijuana with their friends. Just kidding. They are at my parents. So what am I going to do with myself? The possibilities are endless. I want to do something nuts, crazy, dangerous and reckless. Something I could potentially get arrested for. Like .... I don't even know what. Any ideas? I do have some plans. I am going to work on Tuesday, I have to clean the house, I'm going to have a sleepover with my Grandma at her assisted living place (and we're going to watch Twilight), and I have to update my resume and pay bills. None of those things have much getting-arrested potential (I don't think). I've been out of the living-dangerously routine for a LONG time and I need some fresh ideas.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Locked in the bathroom

I got called to sub for a P.E. teacher today and it reminded me of the last time I subbed for a P.E. teacher. It was last year and the teacher had an office in the girls locker room behind the gym, way away from the rest of the school. She also had a private bathroom that was in the office. Are you getting this? Bathroom in an office, office in a locker room, locker room behind the gym, way away from rest of the classrooms in the school. ISOLATED.

So, I was in there during prep hour at the end of the day, looking at my email and I had to go to the bathroom. No problem! Super private bathroom! So I went in, and as a reflex I locked the door. I did my thing, and then tried to open the door. It wouldn't unlock. I kind of chuckled, imagining how embarrassing it would be to get locked in a bathroom. Ha ha. Then I really tried to open it. It. Would. Not. Open. CRAP!

Then I remembered that I had no more classes, this was my last hour of the day, so nobody at school would miss me. "Okay, pull it together," I told myself, it would be totally embarrassing, but somebody would come by. Right? I wouldn't die if I had to spend a night in a bathroom. Lots of people do it. That's basically what a jail cell is, a bathroom with a couple cots and a roommate. I didn't have a cot, but I also didn't have a roommate so I figured I was getting the better deal. Then I remembered that it was Friday so if I didn't get found after school, I would be stuck there for the weekend.

Then I remembered that Mitch was out of town for the weekend, and if I didn't get out, my kids would be home alone without me. What would they do?

Then I remembered that there was no school on Monday so I would be stuck in that bathroom for three days. And then when I was finally found, probably by the teacher the following Tuesday (that would be an awkward encounter); nobody would feel sorry for me, they would just think it was hilarious and nobody would appreciate how horrible and embarrassing it was to be stuck in a bathroom in a school for three days. I was desperate so I jammed my thumb into the lock and twisted with all my might. Nothing.

So I sat down and looked around for a tool. I needed something to twist the locking mechanism. There was nothing to use. I mean nothing. Just extra rolls of toilet paper. Not helping! I kept trying to open it with my thumb and finally, finally, after being stuck for a half hour, I got it. My thumb was super sore after that, but it was worth it. I was free!

Then I thought how easy it would have been for the teacher to write a short note, a post-it even, saying "DON'T LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR! THE LOCK STICKS." That would have been nice to know.

I got home and told my kids what happened and asked them what they would have done if I didn't come home when I was supposed to. Sam said he'd wait a half hour, and then call 911 and give the authorities all the information that he knew. Kira said she would NOT call the police, she would eat ice cream and play in my jewelry box.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The big guns

This is what Kira was doing when she was supposed to be cleaning up her mess in the basement. When she got done with this, she took one of the balls out and Sam called her "Uniboob" and we all started laughing so hard we were crying.

Sure-fire cure for head lice

Today Mitch and I were talking about head lice and how it spreads at schools and how gross it is. We were talking about the treatment and all the cleaning you have to do in the house to get rid of them, and how harsh those shampoos are on tender little scalps so we decided that if our kids ever get it we would cut their hair super short to minimize the treatment time and chemical trauma to their bodies, and spend a week sterilizing the whole house so it doesn't come back. Then Mitch said, "...... decapitation would probably work too." Take that, lice bugs!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Blizzard, Day 2: Sam gets serious

Save the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus!

Cool Animals (April Fools!)

I was "surfing the 'net" and found some cool animals that I never heard of before. I think I would like to get one of the mock walruses. Super cute!
Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus
Kingdom: Animalia
Location found: Washington State
image You will find the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus high in the trees of Washington State's Olympic National Forest. They spend their early lives in the water of Puget Sound, but as they mature they move upwards, adopting an arboreal existence. They use their eight arms to swing from branch to branch, as well as to grab small prey such as insects and frogs. During their mating season they return to the water, but soon after resume their life in the forest.

The tree octopus population is under great pressure from the encroachments of the modern world: logging, roads, pollution, and overhunting by trappers eager to sell the octopuses as ornamental decorations for hats. As a result, the species is close to extinction. The Save the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus organization has long been attempting to raise awareness of this animal and its plight. They urge concerned citizens to write to their congressional representative about this problem.

Tasmanian Mock Walrus
Kingdom: Animalia
Location found: Tasmania and Florida
image The Tasmanian Mock Walrus (TMW) is a whiskered, four-inch long creature that purrs like a cat, has the temperament of a hamster, and resembles a walrus. (It has also been noted that it resembles a naked mole rat.) It never needs to be walked or bathed, can be trained to use a litter box, and eats cockroaches. A single TMW can rid a house of roaches. However, it will also eat cheese and Vegemite. For this reason it is highly sought after as a pet.

The TMW is indigenous to the lake region of Tasmania. But during the early 1980s a number of these creatures were smuggled into Florida where they quickly became a popular form of pest-control. A secret breeding program multiplied their numbers. However, it was and remains illegal to import the TMW, a ban that pest-control companies have vigorously lobbied for, fearing that the TMW might undermine the cockroach-extermination business. Government officials have also expressed concern about the possible impact upon the delicate Florida ecosystem should TMWs be imported in massive quantities.

Kingdom: Animalia
Location found: North America
image Antennalope are a stunning example of cross-species symbiosis. These North-American antelopes have evolved to have metal antennas on top of their heads, instead of the traditional antlers. They roam throughout the American plains, constantly on the move, migrating to where radio signals are weakest. Because their antennas relay radio signals, engineers have been able to use this natural resource to create transcontinental radio networks. The antennalope were featured in a 2003 ad campaign for Nextel long-range walkie-talkies.