E is for Eloquence

My niece Sid is such a brat but she is so funny.  Lately she has been copying how people talk.  She told my mom one day, "My dad said to me: 'You're annoying,'" and when she said "you're annoying" she said it in a really deep, dumb sounding voice.

Her baby sister recently had a birthday and I asked Sid if the cake was good.  She said to me, "I wanted to touch the frosting but then Mom said, 'DON'TYOUDARETOUCHTHATCAKE!'" and she yelled out the quote in a screamy, devil voice.  Oh, how I laughed.

Recently she was laughing about something so my sister asked her what was so funny.  She said, "Grandma always says to me, 'You're squishing my boob!'  That's funny."  That IS funny.  Why do you let her squish your boobs so much, Mom?

When she isn't doing unflattering impressions of her family members she just copies what you say right after you say it.  I forgot how annoying that is.  Her dad is right.  

My Girls

I just got back from a quick trip to visit my parents and my sister and her daughters, Sid and Millie.

Sid, the three year old, is a BRAT, but she makes me laugh harder than anyone.  My mom told me a story about how one day Sid fell down the stairs.  She fell forward and was lying on the stairs on her stomach with her head facing down and her feet on the top step.  My mom was shocked that she fell and was on her way to ask if she was okay and help her up when she heard Sid say, "Grandma... Grandma... grab my feet."  She wouldn't move because she was afraid she would fall further and it cracks me up that she had a plan for my mom to save her while she was lying on her stomach on the steps.  I'm laughing even as I write this.  

A few weeks ago she got her first case of diarrhea since she has been potty trained.  She came out of the bathroom and told my mom, with her voice full of wonder, "I peepooped!"

Yesterday Sid was all hyped up and being obnoxious.  She was about to jump on Kira and Kira said, "Oh god."  And Sid cracked up laughing and ran up to me and told me "Kira called me 'OOOOHHHGAAAAA!" and then ran to the bedroom where my sister was changing Millie and yelled into the room "Kira called me OOOOHHGAAAAAA!" and then she shut the light off and shut the door.  Beth had just taken Millie's diaper off so the baby was lying on the bed half naked and suddenly they were both thrust into total darkness.   Why do I think that is so funny?

Beth is trying to teach Sid the concept of time-outs for undesirable behavior.  She tells her that she has to stay in her room for her time-out until Beth comes back to get her.  Sid lies on her stomach in the hall with only her feet in her room and yells, "MOM, COME AND TALK TO ME!"

Sid thinks it is HILARIOUS to call me Amy and call Amy Sarah.  She's been doing that since she could talk, and we thought it was just an honest mistake, but it isn't.  She does it on purpose to stick it to us.  Yesterday she made me pretend she was a baby and put her in the crib for a nap.  Gladly, I thought.  When I got about two steps out of the room she started yelling, "AMY! COME AND GET THE BABY! AMY!  AMY!  AMY!  AMY!  AAAAAAAAMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!!!" So I yelled back, "Amy isn't here!"  and she laughed and laughed and said, "SARAH, COME AND GET THE BABY!"  So I went back in the room and she looked at me with her sweet little face and said, "Hi Amy!"  She's a brat.




President's Week pretentious fun fact!:  Washington was known for his incredible physical strength and dexterity (swoon).  At the end of the revolution told a friend that he never knew anyone who could throw a rock as far as he could. Once he threw a rock on top of the Natural Bridge in the Blue Ridge Mountains.  Here's the Natural Bridge:

Those tiny things at the bottom are people.  (It's really high.) Another time at Mount Vernon a group of young men were having a competition "throwing the bar" which I suppose is like a javelin.  Washington happened upon the young men who were stripped down, sweating, showing off, and asked where the furthest mark was.  He then grabbed the bar and flung it further than any of them without so much as removing his jacket.  He smiled and said, "When you beat my pitch, young gentlemen, I'll try again," and walked away.

Washington was also a fantastic horseman.  Preceding the Battle of Trenton, GW was riding up and down a column of soldiers on horseback and suddenly his horse slipped and started to fall backward down a steep, icy slope.  Washington locked his fingers into the horse's mane and hauled up its head by brute force.  He shifted his balance backward just enough to allow the horse to regain its footing.  The people that witnessed it were in awe.  Washington saw their stunned faces and said, "What? It's no biggy."  (no, he didn't.)  I saw Mitch do that on the lawn tractor once.  It really is impressive.

This has nothing to do with GW's strength, but I like it so I'm including it:  Ethan Allen (the man, not the furniture company) was captured by the British during the Revolution and he reported that the British had a picture of George Washington hung in their outhouse.  Allen supposedly said, "It is most appropriately hung. There is nothing that will make an Englishman shit so quick as the sight of General Washington."  

Kids, Summer, blah blah blah

I'm back home from my weekend at the lake.  I was planning on bringing the kids back with me, but they begged to stay there and horn in on their grandparent's vacation time.  My MIL half-heartedly said, "We like having them here, you can leave them if you want," instead of,  "Fuck no, take them with you NOW!" so I left them there.  Bluff offered; bluff called.  Checkmate, Julie, check and mate.

I remembered my camera and took some pictures.

This is Kira with her flippers on.  She never takes them off.  She can really move in the water and on land with them on.  I took some movies that are HILARIOUS, but I haven't been able to get them to play on my computer so I have to try to fix it.  Then maybe I'll post one.

The kids caught two small-mouth bass off the dock and put them in a cooler full of water to stew for the day.  One died and then a million tiny bugs came off of it.  Sea lice? Plankton?  I'll have to google it.

This is my baby niece.  She's 18 months old and the bossiest person I know. She kept crawling in and out of the boat and didn't want to do anything else, so her poor mother had to hover over her while she got in the boat, out of the boat, in the boat, out of the boat.  Somebody said, "I wonder why babies like to go back and forth like that?" and Amy said, "Because babies are jerks."

The little boss actually hugged me and gave me a few painful kisses on this visit.  (Someone should teach her that there are no teeth involved in kisses.) Since she gets almost everything she wants, I've come up with a few rules to live by that I'm going to start employing in my everyday life so I can get everything I want too. 

How to get what you want, according to my niece, Sid: 

1.  If someone does something you don't like, arch your back and scream NOOOOOOO!!!!

2.  If you eat a food you don't like, make a dramatic show of your distaste and let the food drop out of your mouth onto your plate, and then throw the remaining offending food on the floor.

3.  If you see a cute boy, show him your admiration by doing the following:  a) Throw yourself face first into furniture, hard enough so you bounce back and fall on the floor. Repeat.  b) Get his attention, then dramatically collapse to the floor and laugh maniacally.  c) Throw things at him. d) Run laps around the room at your top speed and squeal. d) When he least expects it, launch yourself into his lap.

4.  If someone is talking to you about something you don't want to hear, bend over at the waist and pretend to be interested in something on the floor until they leave.

5.  If you're hot, get naked.

I'll let you know how it goes.