Would you rather...

Have a bucket full of snapping turtle eggs that are alive and thriving on a shelf in the house so the raccoons don't get them, and they will hatch at some unknown point sometime in August or September and crawl into your bed and bite your toes off before you even know they have hatched...

Or

Have a bucket full of snapping turtle eggs that are dead and getting moldy and disgusting and you can't even check them until July 12 to see if they are "veiny" (which indicates live eggs) and alive, or moldy and gross?

Would You Rather

I've really dropped the ball on the Would You Rather question lately, haven't I?  Well, that just sucks.  Okay, I'll remedy the problem right now with this post.  First of all, let's revisit our last question about the taxedermied vermin, and let's remember, it wasn't a Would You Rather question, I changed things up and got crazy and asked a What Would Be Worse question, remember?  Twice as many of you thought receiving the taxedermied, eyeless, upper body of a guinea pig attached to a hair comb would be worse than hollowed out prairie dogs that you could wrap around bottles of refreshment so it looks as though your champagne was being thrown up by a ground hog or squirrel.  I have to say I agree.  My results might be skewed because of the way the question was asked and you might have answered which you would rather have instead of which would be worse.  I think the right answer is that both are disgusting, but the eyeless half-guinea pig flailing its arms around from a pile of your hair is WORSE. 

Worse

Anyway, on to the new question.  I am sitting in a ninth grade health classroom right now and that is what has inspired me to ask you this:

Would You Rather...

Magically go back to being 15 and in 9th grade all over again

or

Have one of your limbs amputated

Now, it might seem like an obvious answer at first, but think about it for five seconds:  Ninth grade = zits, out of control hormones, brain dormancy, high school, parents, etc. etc......  VS. Missing one measly leg or arm = cool prosthesis (and possible bionics); amputees have reputations for being sexual dynamos; take that prosthesis off and blamo, you just lost 20 pounds; AND you could arm wrestle in a more advantageous weight class and totally kick ass. 

Would you rather

Last week's question was, "Would you rather have your picture on a store's thief board forever, or run naked through that store just one time?"

You people really love to be naked.  90% of you chose to be naked instead of featured on the thief board, I suppose because you assume that a picture on a thief board is something that lasts forever as opposed to the few seconds it would take you to streak through the store in your birthday suit; but I think you are forgetting that this is the age of cell phones and if you ran through a store naked, I know I would take a picture; nay, a video, because I would want to capture all the inevitable "Woo HOOO!s" you would be yelling because who runs naked without some arm pumping and some woo hooing?  Nobody, that's who. It's the unwritten rule of amateur streaking.  I bet the pros can get in there and get it done quietly, but not an amateur. I am not really one to talk though because I also chose the naked option. Woo HOO!!!!

This week's question is a result of a google search to see if a human body can be taxidermied.  I was looking for that because I was avoiding writing my book because I'm stuck, and also because my sister sent me a depressing email telling me that if anything happens to her in Afghanistan I get to make her medical decisions.* So here's the question:

What would be worse:  If you met the love of your life, he/she seemed perfect in every way until one romantic evening he/she broke out some bottles to celebrate your first "I love you" and those bottles had these clever bottle covers:

Nothing says "I love you" like Bottle Dogs™ ! 

Taxedermied prairie dog bottle covers.  

OR

If he gave you/she wore THIS after you were sure he/she was the love of your life:

pretty!

Remember, I'm shaking things up and the questions isn't "Would You Rather," but "What would be worse."  Answer in the poll at the top of the sidebar.  No naked option this week!  Sorry!




*(As far as I can tell, the human body can be taxidermied but there is still some question as to how legal it is.)

Z is for The End of the A to Z contest

Well, I did it.  I blogged every day of April (except Sundays) and assigned each of my posts to a letter of the alphabet.  I won the contest.  Didn't I?  Was this a contest?  What did I win?

Just kidding, I know I didn't win anything (did I???)  I don't have much to write about today, so I will just give you the next Would You Rather question.  Last week's question: "Would you rather have a one-night stand with your middle school gym teacher or kick a puppy in the face" was a landslide in favor of sleeping with your gym teachers.  Gross.  I chose kicking the puppy in the face because I just loved clicking on the box next to the words "kick a puppy in the face."

On to this week's question!

Would you rather..

Have your picture on a store's "thief board" forever next to your bounced check

Or

Run through the store naked just one time

Would you rather...

Hi!  I'm in Washington DC and I'm having fun!  Today I walked all over the Mall and I saw monuments, and museums.  Seriously, I think I probably walked 15 miles.  I basically walked around almost non-stop for 5 and a half hours.  It was great, but my proverbial "dogs" are "barking," as they say.  I got back to Amy's house and she was having a little get-together and some of the people there actually came up to me and said, "I read your blog."  I wanted to say, "SHUT. UP!" but I didn't.  I just said thank you, because it still blows my mind that anyone who doesn't know me reads my blog.  That is sooooooo cool.  I am awesome.

Anyway, it's time for a new Would You Rather question!  Aren't you glad?!?  Last week's question was, "Would you rather have wings but no hands, or hooves with no feet."  Hooves won big time.  I think for two reasons:  1) Having no hands would be really hard.  I would ALWAYS have an itch on my face, I just know it.  I'd spend most of my flying time looking for someone to scratch my nose.  And 2) Having hooves would be AWESOME.  Clop clop clop; need I say more?  Although, a reader pointed out that it would be hard to be sneaky with hooves, but another reader informed us that little rubber shoes for hooves actually exsist so now there is absolutely no reason in the entire world not to have hooves.

Oh. My. God.

On to this week's question:  

Would you rather...

Have a one night stand with your middle school gym teacher

OR

Kick a puppy in the face

One of these puppies.  You choose which one.

M is for - Would you rather... (what? I couldn't think of an M word and it's time for a new Would You Rather question. Okay?)

It's time for a new Would You Rather question!  Last week the question was "Would you rather use a litter box in private for a year, or use a toilet in front of an audience one time"  That was a tough question because neither choice is very fun to think about, but think about it you did!  You thought about what kind of litter you could use, you thought about having a marathon poop in front of the audience, you worried that if you chose the litter box option, you could never leave the house again, which made me think, "You poop in bathrooms other than your own? How???"  I chose the litter box option because I think I'd rather die than eliminate my waste in front of an audience.  But why is it so humiliating?  Everyone does it.  The majority of you chose to go in front of a crowd.  I can hardly go in a bathroom stall.

So this week's question is more of a "What would you love more," than "Would you rather."  Here it is:

Would you rather...

Have wings instead of arms 
(yes, there is flying, but no hands)

OR

Have hooves instead of feet
 (clop clop clop)

Like this but permanent! 

If you have a "Would You Rather" question idea, email it to me!

F is for, "For Corn's Sake! It's time for a New Poll Question!"

Yes, it's time for a new question.  Last week's question, "Would you rather fly across the Pacific on a crowded plane with a one year old, or eat a delicious burger made from cat meat," had interesting results.  I personally would much MUCH rather eat cat meat.  If it was prepared properly, it would be delicious and then I could avoid the twelve hours of flop sweat and frustration I would have to endure to transport a toddler across the ocean.  A good meal or life-sucking frustration.  I think the choice is obvious, but you guys disagree.  Some of you said you would bring along noise cancelling headphones.  But what about when the baby did that "I'm-boneless" slide and slipped out of your lap?  Then what would you do? Because you know he/she would do that about ten thousand times during the flight.  And if I was on the plane and your one-year-old was wailing and you were sitting back, happy as a clam with your noise canceling head phones, how long do you think it would take for me to rip those off your head and use them myself.  Nobody would stick up for you.  They'd just wish they thought of it before I did.  You guys chose the wrong answer!

Here's the new question:

Would you rather...

Use a litter box exclusively in private for a year

You'd have your very own box, you could clean it or change the litter as much as you want, but it's a litter box, you'd have to do everything that comes along with going in a litter box, like squatting, kicking some litter over your product, and using the scoot-your-anus-across-the-carpet method of wiping.  (You better stick to hard food that year.)

OR

Use a toilet in front of a crowd one time

One time and it's over.  One time, but it's a multi-wiper.

"WIPE WIPE WIPE WIPE!"


Vote at the top of the sidebar!

Would you rather...

It's time for a new Would You Rather question.  Last week's question, "Would you rather tell your mom what a rusty trombone is, or regurgitate an egg in front of your boss" wasn't even close.  Most of you would much rather tell your mom about a disturbing sexual activity than pop a whole egg out of your mouth.  I thought that popping the egg out would win because it's kind of neat, but clearly you like to shock your mothers more. (me too)  For those of you who didn't already know what a rusty trombone was and looked it up; I feel like I should say I'm sorry, but I'm not really sorry.  I'm still kind of laughing inside. On to this week's question:

Would you rather fly in coach across the Pacific Ocean, in a jam-packed plane with a one-year-old

Baby on a plane.  (Get it?)

OR

Eat a delicious hamburger made from cat meat 

"I'm delicious"

Would you rather...

Hi everybody!  It is time for a new Would You Rather question!  I seem to be having trouble finding a hard question for you.  I want some collective indecision!  That being said, I can't BELIEVE you guys - who would prefer to poop your drawers than watch a sex video (of your parents) - would almost all rather do naked yoga with the Gold Guys than eat a bug.  I was sure you'd pick eating a bee.  You're so unpredictable!  It's fascinating!  I love this!

When I make up the questions I don't really ask myself what I would rather do until I see what you guys vote for.  When I really think hard about it I would probably rather do the naked yoga because I love seeing people naked, and my curiosity might outweigh my utter mortification of being naked, in compromising positions, in front of others.

Oo, maybe not.

Also, I think I'd have trouble eating a bee because I have enough trouble swallowing my big vitamin D pills and they don't even have a stinger or a will to live.  My vitamin D pills almost never try to crawl back up my throat.  I think when it comes to eating bees, chewing would be unavoidable and that totally grosses me out.  So I guess I'd rather do the naked yoga too.

This time I'm going to tell you what my vote is before you guys vote.  I don't want to skew the results, but hey, this isn't a scientific poll.  The question is:

Would You Rather...

Explain to your mom what a rusty trombone is,

Oh, sorry Mom, not that kind...

OR

Regurgitate a whole unbroken egg in front of your boss

Mouth-eggs anyone?

I guess I would rather tell my mom what a rusty trombone is.  But to tell the truth, I wouldn't really mind doing either one, but I bet the egg would hurt coming up and I like to avoid any kind of discomfort at all times.  I actually think I might enjoy the look on my mom's face if I told her what it was.  

(not my mom)

Yeah, I might enjoy telling my mom what a rusty trombone is.  I'm going to see her this weekend.  Get ready Mom.  

(Side note)  I told Mitch the new question and his eyes widened and he said, "Regurgitating a whole egg would be AWESOME!  It's not a question of 'would you rather..' as much as 'wouldn't you love to..!'"

Would you rather...

Okay, it is clear that I have to come up with a "Would You Rather" question that is a little tougher to decide.  You guys unanimously said you would rather poop your pants than watch a video of your own conception.  It's not like I said you had to be present for your own conception, cheering your dad on and telling your mother to hang in there; and then at the big moment yelling out something like, "..and THAT'S how you make a baby! HOOYAA!" while holding up your hands to high five your parents.  You just had to watch a video of it.  You guys are squeamish.  That's good to know for the future.  This is the new question:

Would you rather do naked yoga with the Gold Guys, 

(Imagine small talk about your old tangled necklaces with these friendly guys:)

(while the three of your are in positions like this:)

OR

Eat a live bee.

(actual size)
"buzz buzz, I'm fuzzy"

Notice that "neither" is not an option. 

Vote at the top of the sidebar.  

(I have a feeling I know which one is going to win.)