School needs to start now UPDATED

Kira's August art project. She said she got a headache blowing the egg out of the shell and almost lost the will to stuff the tiny rubber chicken in it.  (For more of Kira's art go here.)

UPDATED:  It now has wings.  And we discovered that Kira has a "feather jar."

Kira's Art

I've posted about how ... unique(?) Kira's art is on this blog before.  It's either hilariously half-assed like this:

This piece is entitled "Three Blind Mice."  When asked why she said,  "You know, because
they don't have eyes."  When asked why there are only two of them she said, "Because you get the idea."

And this:

A balloon and some wings ripped off one of Sam's toys.

And this:

When asked why this shell only has one googly eye she said,
"It's young."

On the other hand, if she puts any effort into her art, it is utterly terrifying.  Like this:

This is the nutcracker she made in 2nd grade.  It even scares her.

And this:

Salt dough sculpture of Bill Clinton.  There was apparently not enough dough
to make eyelids.

This brings me to her latest, and I think, most terrifying art project.  In fairness, the assignment was to make an "ugly jug," but seriously, she went a little over the top.  As she would say, she "over-achieved."

I don't know what it is, exactly, that makes this so incredibly terrifying.  Is it the jagged shards of tile she used for teeth?

Or is it the long, crooked, broken nose that is reminiscent of Timer from the PTSD-inducing Time for Timer cartoon breaks in the 1970s?

Timer

Or is it her signature lack of eyelids?

I don't know if it is any one of those things alone, but all together it scares me.  She knows this too because when I told her to put her stuff away, she put this Ugly Jug right next to my pillow on my bed.  When I asked WHY she would do that, she said, "Because it's for you."

What is the statute of limitations on keeping your children's precious artwork?  When can I "accidentally" break this without seeming like a horrible mother?

The Fair

Hi!  Sorry I've been away, but I was out ridin' my bike.  Not the whole time of course.  I went to a county fair for a while and saw two of my favorite things:  The 4H barn and baby animals.  I love the 4H barn because kids can enter ANYTHING and compete with someone else for it, and if it's obscure enough that nobody else entered anything, you win!  There's no, "Oh, nobody else entered anything like that so there's no competition, sorry kid!"  If some kid wants to enter his noodle version of the Millennium Falcon; done.  It's on display in the 4H barn.  The later in the summer the fair is, the better the 4H barn.  Boredom makes for some crazy projects.  I've tried to get Kira to enter some of her art into a fair but they don't have a category called, "half-assed stuff you made in two minutes from garbage you found on the counter."

like this

or this

or especially this

I also love the animal barns at fairs.  There weren't a lot of chickens at this one, but I saw more than my fair share of goats.  There is a new breed of goat on the scene (new to me, anyway) called Lamanche goats and they have no big floppy ears.  It looks like someone ripped their ears off and they look ugly and pathetic until you realize that they are supposed to look like that. And then they just look ugly.

Oh don't bother with the fancy pose.  You don't look nice.

We also saw some baby pygmy goats, better known (to me) as "house goats."

Look what Mitch won't let me get.

Mitch still says no to inviting one into our family and loving it like a child.  I've tried to explain to him how I need to hear the clippity clop of little hooves on the kitchen floor but he isn't fazed.  There is nothing I would love more than taking a bike ride with my mini-goat in the basket.  I hear they can be litter trained, and everyone knows that all goats eat are cans so how could I go wrong?  Could there be a better pet???

Watch out Martha Stewart! (seriously, watch your back)

When Kira got up she said, "Today I think I'll make a weapon," and then she got busy and wouldn't let me see what she was doing until she was finished. Mitch and Sam are gone today so I'm alone with her. While she was working I was thinking to myself, Why would she have to make a weapon? She already has a bow and arrow and a slingshot. Why spend time crafting another? What is she going to do to me?  If I scream will anyone hear me?

When she finished I was in the bathroom cleaning up. She threw open the door and threatened me with this:

A mace. How very medieval. I wonder if they have a weapons category in 4H?

Our latest crafts

This is a balloon with wings that Kira made.  She ripped the wings off of Sam's 20Q electronic game, Harry Potter version.  Sam: more pissed than impressed.

Kira got a portion of fake fur from her grandma and made this pet/bookmark.  It took her about half a second to cut a strip of fabric and poke some googly eyes onto it.

This is a cake I made for Mitch's birthday.  It's supposed to be a bunny but it looks more like a pear with boobs.  It was delicious regardless of what it looked like. 

What's going on

I'm watching the Olympics again tonite and to tell you the truth, I'm getting a little sick of it. Sorry, America, sorry World.

Kira's class has been doing a unit on the physics of sound, so their culminating project is to make a musical instrument of their own using what they know. Mitch and Kira have been working on hers tonite. She calls it "the Snowflake." Here it is:


When Mitch was showing it to me he said, "Ding Dong, here it is!" which is a horrible (horribly funny) reference to something we saw on the internet years ago. Here's the link. Enjoy!

http://robandjaime.com/oldStuff/funny.htm

Here's Sam:


Here's some flowers:

Bye!

Crafty

My sister-in-law, Marne gave me a Ped Egg for Christmas because she says I need to do a little "hoof maintenance."

She's so thoughtful. So I thought I would be thoughtful as well and not just tell her how much I appreciate her thoughtfulness, but show her with a craft project that's so easy anyone can do it! Here's what you'll need:

A piece of black construction paper, some glue and your Ped Egg foot shavings.

The Ped Egg is nice because there is a foot-shaving reservoir that they say is for easy cleanup, but can also be for easy foot-shaving storage. The first thing you have to do is see how much foot shavings you have on hand. Just give your Ped Egg a little shake and listen.



If you don't have enough, then you might have to give your heels a little scrape. Easy!


Then take your black paper and write a message with the glue. Next, sprinkle your foot shavings on the glue and shake it around (preferably over a garbage can, or you could save the foot shavings that come off for a future project. Just shake them back into the Ped Egg!)


If your project has a deadline and you don't have enough foot shavings, have your family scrape their rough parts and contribute. If they are unavailable or unwilling, you can cut it with some grated parmesan cheese. It looks like foot scrapings and also has an authentic footy smell.

Then you let it dry and you are done! I hope Marne likes it!


p.s. To all of you who gave me a gift for Christmas, this is how I'm doing all my thank-yous so you might have to wait until my feet get rough again until I can do more. I only had enough scrapings to do 6 thank-you cards today. Don't worry though, it's winter and my feet dry out fast!

Stuff I've been doing while not writing on the blog

We have been on the GO for days and days and I have been so busy. My parents came for a visit the other day and I made them a meatloaf in a bundt cake pan. It was delicious but not exactly pretty. Looks like something from a bloody colon. (mmmmmmm.. bloody colon...)

I also made a couple of blankets or my nieces. This is one of them.

Other than that it's been drive drive drive, shop shop shop, make Chex mix, eat Chex mix etc. etc. etc. I have eaten so much Chex mix I think I might be dealing with an electrolyte problem caused by the salt and Worcestershire sauce; symptoms: weight gain, ankle swelling, lethargy, and constant debilitating thirst. I hear there is a cure; stop eating Chex mix.

Yeah, like I'm going to do that.

Snow art, Texas, the Holy Virgin and vaginas

Kira was outside working very busily on something yesterday and then she came in the house to get the camera and take a picture of her creation which was this:

A giant paw print. You can't really tell in the picture, but it has terrifying claws. I think her plan is to make a bunch of them in the yard and scare any planes that happen to fly over and look down.

I also had to take a picture of this water stain on my stove today before I wiped it up.


Doesn't it look like Texas? I think it looks incredibly like Texas. It looks way more like Texas than any Virgin Mary stains look like the Virgin Mary. Too bad it couldn't be a Virgin Mary stain. If it was I might get a little attention for it, but I doubt anyone will care about my Texas stain.

I looked up Virgin Mary stain on google images and found a bunch. My favorite was this one:



The Virgin on grilled cheese. Or is it Jesus. I can't really tell because IT'S GRILLED CHEESE. I love that the woman is proudly displaying her sandwich in a plastic box surrounded by cotton balls.

When I googled "Virgin Mary Stain" I found quite a few water stains like this one:


And when I look at them I honestly can't see the Virgin Mary. If it looks like anything to me, it looks like a gigantic vagina. So then I googled "gigantic vagina" to see if what people think look like gigantic vaginas also look like the Virgin Mary. First of all let me tell you: DO NOT GOOGLE "GIGANTIC VAGINA." You will be sorry. There are many many artistic representations of vaginas and most of them are gross. This is the nicest one I found:

It could be a flower, it could be a vagina. The only question I have is why is this lady crawling into it? Then I thought, would I go into it? And the answer was, of course I would.

This is the worst one I found. Brace yourself before scrolling down....



It's a vagina bike taxi. Do you think it looks like the Virgin Mary?

Christmas decorating

I put up the Christmas decorations today and, OMG, guess what I found:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Kira's nutcracker that she made in second grade.

I HATE IT.

It scares me. I accidentally ripped out the big pink boa feather that was stuck in its hat when I found it today. I think it's the menacing smile/grimace that really creeps me out. Or maybe it's the dirty cotton ball it has for hair. How long do I have to keep it? I put it on the window sill behind the tree so hopefully it won't startle me too many times over the next month.

That's my least favorite decoration, which brings me now to my favorite:

This is a rock that my MIL painted for me several years ago. The Johnson's all love rocks and I make fun of them for it so Julie thought it would be funny to paint a rock for me. I make fun of them because they are all crazy for rocks. Whenever I do laundry I find pockets full of rocks from both the kids AND from Mitch. When Julie and Rich moved here I think they actually moved about 200 pounds of cool rocks they've found over the years that they couldn't bear to part with. When we first moved here Mitch told me that this area was geologically rich with agates, which is a precious and rare stone. That's what he told me. Agates aren't all that rare. Kira finds about 50 every day. I had to convert my cookie jar to an agate jar just to accommodate the rocks that Kira and Mitch find.

So anyway, Julie made me that rock and I love it. I usually take it out a little early so I can look at it. It's very detailed.

I had a good idea about 6 or 7 years ago and I'm still really pleased with myself about it. I usually send out Christmas cards with a picture of my kids on it and I also make myself an ornament with that year's picture. I make one for my parents and in-laws too. I think that was pretty clever of me.

Now that I look at this picture I wonder who the hell put that stupid stuffed bear on the tree. That's a back-of-the-tree filler. I'll have to move it.

Kira is happy because I took out the Playmobil Santa and sleigh and reindeer. I usually also put out a Playmobil hazmat scene with it because it inspires more imaginative play, I think.

We also have a Playmobil advent calendar but I looked at it today and last year I meticulously packed all the little pieces back in their boxes perfectly, and it would really be a shame to ruin that good work, so unless Kira asks, I'm not taking it out. Is that Scroogy?

Kira's Latest Art Project

Kira is known around here for her craftiness. Yesterday she came up to me with these in her hand and said, "Look what I made, Three Blind Mice." I looked and saw what is in the picture above; two pistachio shells with scraps of paper glued to them. She must have sensed my confusion because she explained, "You know, because they don't have eyes, and the paper is their tails." I said, "But there are only two," and she said, "Yeah, but you get the idea."

From me to you, with love

I had to go to the grocery store today so this morning I asked the kids what they wanted for dinner. They both yelled out in unison, "SLOP!"

Their two favorite things that I make are things they have lovingly named "slop" and "oil chicken."

Sad, isn't it?

I'm in the middle of making a delicious vat of slop right now. Lucky, lucky kids. Here is the recipe:

Ingredients:

Family size box of chicken flavored Rice A Roni

About a third of one of those disgusting sausage shaped things of hamburger

1 can of green beans

1 can of corn

2 cans of cream of mushroom soup

Brown the rice. (Burn it a little, people like that.) Then follow the rest of the directions on the Rice A Roni box. Brown the hamburger, set aside. When rice is done, add hamburger, corn and beans, and cream of mushroom soup. Stir until heated through. Enjoy!

Mmmmmmmmm..... slooooppppppp......

And here is the recipe for oil chicken.

Ingredients:

Box of frozen, individually wrapped shapeless lumps of chicken kiev

Family size box of chicken flavored Rice A Roni

Put chicken in oven for as long as the box tells you to. Cook the rice according to the box it comes in. Serve chicken on a bed of the rice. Important: Gently cut the top of the chicken open so as not to squirt the oil all over your face and give yourself (or your child) third degree oil burns. Let the rice get soaked in the chicken's oil. Enjoy!

This meal is mostly reserved for special occasions because although delicious, the oil probably isn't the healthiest thing you'll ever eat.

They call me Mother Nature

Look at my garden! I actually grew stuff! And I can eat it! I'm stunned with my productivity.

Just look at this beautiful carrot. Bugs Bunny would be happy to have that, don't you think?

Here's a teensy tiny cucumber.

Can you spot the pea? How about the tomato?

In other food-growing-in-the-wild news, Mitch found a berry in the woods the other day, and being the responsible outdoorsman that he is, he looked it up before he ate it. It was called a Watermelon berry. Sounds delicious doesn't it? He thought so. He ate it. After he ate it he experienced what he described as a "burning colon sensation" and he thinks they should be renamed "Eat-me-nots."

Sam's new blanket

Sam's quilt was getting ratty so I made him a new blanket for his bed. He said it's awesome and he loves it. Awwwwww!

My Garden

Things are growing in my garden! I feel like Mother Earth.

Me

In the front is marigolds to keep the bunnies away, and behind that is a row of carrots (ha ha bunnies), then behind that is peas, and behind that is cucumbers. There are a few milkweeds that are popping up too and I'm leaving them for the monarch caterpillars.