MinnCAN

Last night I went to a program at school that the PTA was sponsoring.  It was given by a group called MinnCan.  It's an educational reform group.  They are basically a lobby group whose aim is to make public schools better. I'm all for a political lobby group that wants to make public schools better, but I am highly suspicious of this particular group. They successfully lobbied the Minnesota Legislature to pass a bill that allows for "alternative" teacher licensure. This basically means that anyone with a bachelor's degree can be  certified to be a teacher with FIVE WEEKS of training.  Americore is one of the outfits that provides "teachers" in this way.  These young college grads take a summer course after they graduate with degrees in anything from marketing to nursing to engineering, and in a miraculous five weeks they can get enough credentials to go into a public schools to teach, all on their own, classes with 35+ kids.  But you know what? Their education and experience isn't nearly as important as their ❤heart and enthusiasm and if they believe they can make a difference! EEEEEEEEEEEEE❤!!!❤!!

(Sorry.)

I have a real problem with that.  If the goal is to improve public schools and to close the achievement gap, isn't putting unprepared people who are not teachers in the classroom in charge of teaching the kids, the exact opposite of what you want to do? And isn't that obvious?  So why would a supposed educational advocacy group want to do that?

I went to this program with a group of about twenty teachers and I was easily the least educated person in the bunch, and I've had five-plus years of college dedicated to the sole purpose of educating children.  Altogether I've done almost 20 weeks just student teaching to get various degrees and certifications.

Before the program I was talking with a man who is in his fifties and has been teaching for decades.  He was telling me about all these new apps he's using with his geography class.  He's also doing an educational fellowship.  And then the program started.  It was called "Improv to Improve" and it was supposed to be an improv group doing an entertaining show about public education.  The gist was that old teachers and methods are obsolete and we need new blood in education.  What a kick in the teeth.  I was sitting in a group of people who together have had hundreds of years of teaching experience and we were being told that old is bad and obsolete, and new and young is better.  Screw education and experience; to improve education, we need to employ LESS educated, experienced and prepared people.  Please.

The teachers watched the show and clapped politely, but when it ended, we were asked if there were any questions. Oh, there were questions.  The teachers wanted to know what MinnCan's stance is on teacher seniority, alternative licensure,  union busting and other specifics.  The MinnCan people cut the Q and A portion short and told us they had another improv performance for us instead.  No thanks.

But I guess I have to look at the silver lining of "alternative licensure."  If a nurse can be a teacher, then it only makes sense that with a few weeks of preparation, a teacher can become a nurse.  Or a lawyer.  Or an airline pilot.  When the alternative licensure law came up in Minnesota I wrote a post about all the things I will be doing when anyone with a bachelor's degree can do anything they want.  Here it is again:

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Minnesota legislators are soon going to vote on a bill that would allow people with a bachelor's degree, but no teacher training, become teachers!  You could spend four years in college, get a degree in underwater basket weaving and then get out and teach school! All you will have to do is take a 200 hour crash course in teaching.  (I was a real sucker for taking over five years to learn to be a teacher.  It apparently only takes five weeks.)

The second having to have a license or any kind of specific training to practice a profession is moot, I think I will try out all kinds of things, why not! I have a bachelor's degree!  I can do anything!

The first thing I'm going to do is become a nurse.  RNs  have bachelor's degrees, I have a bachelor's degree, therefore, according to the Minnesota legislature, I could probably do a pretty decent job of being a nurse. Better than the old hags that have been doing it for decades, anyway! I'm new! I'm fresh! And I want some scrubs.  However, I'm kind of squeamish so as soon as bodily fluids come into play, I'm out.  Kind of like when I joined track in high school to get the cool sweatsuit, but then learned I was expected to run. Every day. Yeah, right.

Then I think I'll be an electrician.  I use electricity literally all the time.  In fact, I'm using it right this minute. I'm an electricity expert; flip switch up: on.  Flip switch down: off.  I'm trained (enough)!  I have a bachelor's degree in education.  I'm educated.  If I'm educated, I can do anything, right?  All that's been in my way are these pesky standards and licenses!

Need anything rewired?

Oh, you know what I'd really like to do?  Fly commercial airliners!  I'm sure that YEAR LONG course I suffered through: Methods and Materials of Teaching Secondary English will really help out with takeoffs and landings. Once I get my job being a pilot, flying will be much more pleasant (for me).  Trips go by so much faster when I'm the driver.  I have lots of experience driving a car, and a little bit driving a boat, and I actually took over the yolk (that's what they call it!) in a small plane and controlled it myself once for about five minutes (actual flying experience).  I'm totally qualified.

Then I think I'll become an architect for a while.  I live in a building, I go in buildings all the time, I've built Sims houses.  I could do it.  I'm qualified because I have a bachelor's degree, and more importantly, I ❤BELIEVE❤ I could be an architect although I have a degree in English Education; just like some Minnesota legislators believe that anyone with a four-year degree can walk into a classroom and teach 30 kids.  Easy.

If this bill passes and you can do ANYTHING with your bachelor's degree, what do you want to do?

MY BACK!!!

I used to think people that complained about back problems were weenies.  I'm not talking about people who had spinal injuries or anything, just the people who would say, "I can't help you  move because of I have back problems." and things like that.  So obviously faking, right?  But I get it now.  I was way out of line being so judgemental.  And I've got nothing major to complain about.  I've had a muscle spasm in what I think must be my lower trapezius muscle, on and off for about two weeks now. 

At its worst it made me want to cry and the only relief I could get was by stretching my top half down over my bottom half and hugging my legs.  I'm not flexible, you guys.  That is not a comfortable (or attractive) position for me to be in at all.  Kills the hammies but is the only relief for the back.

At its best the clenching stops but then I'm so sore all over my whole back from the muscular trauma of having one part literally spaz out.  I would not help anyone move right now.  In fact if you asked me to help you move, I would laugh in your face and say, "UMMMMMM!!!! WHAT ABOUT MY BACK???" because your back is like the load-bearing wall in your house.  You know what happens if you knock down the load-bearing wall to open the place up a bit and put in an island that really ties the room together?  The roof falls in.  Totally ruins the Feng Shui.  So right now my metaphorical roof is balanced precariously and the slightest dusting of metaphorical snow could collapse my metaphorical world.  And you want me to help you to move.  Are you trying to kill me?  What about my Feng Shui?  WHAT ABOUT MY FENG SHUI???!!!

Some Blog Business and a Tiny Rant

Hi Everybody.  I have some blog business to discuss with you.  You know how commenting on my blog is easy as pie with no word verification or anything?  Isn't that nice?  Well, I have to change it.  I thought I could put up with the spam in order to make commenting so hassle free, but I am sick of it.  I get an email every time I get a comment and lately most of my emails are because of spam comments on the blog, so I'm afraid I am going to have to put the word verification thingy back up.

I know, it's a pain in the ass, but I don't want any more ridiculously phony comments from who I suspect are non-English-speakers, that have nothing to do with the post and everything to do with the link to the online casino they are trying to get people to visit. ("Your blog are best I read!  Please sent a link!) I also am pretty sure I don't need a bigger penis, discounts on Viagra, or to learn how to unlock an iPhone 4, so, there you have it.  Word verification is re-activated.

I worked today in my favorite third grade class and at lunch I was talking with another sub who said she works pretty much full-time as a sub, but also has a job as a cashier at a grocery store for the money and benefits.   She makes more in a 6 hour shift swiping groceries over a scanner than she does teaching an eight hour day at a school, not to mention health and dental benefits that she says pays 80% of her health and dental costs.  WTF?  Seriously,  What.  The.  Fuck?

I need a new job

I think I need to find a job.  I'm really starting to hate subbing.  For one thing, I think that all the laid-off teachers have started subbing and are getting all the decent jobs because when I do get called to sub, the job description is something like this:

Job # 12345 7:30-3:45

-Start at Central High for Mr. So-and-so.  Teach 1st hour special ed. in resource room.  (question:  where the fuck is the resource room?) Teach 2nd hour Consumer Science (fancy name for home ec.) in room 153.  (walking down hallway, see rooms 152, 154.  There is no 153.  After walking about a mile looking for it because it MUST BE by 152, learn that for some inexplicable reason it is on the second floor. ??? Oops!  Clerical error!  We meant 253! lol!)  Walk in late, flustered and sweaty.  Read lesson plans and learn that you have to supervise thirty-five 16-year-olds making flan. (what the fuck is flan?)

-Go to STC (Where the hell is that?  Oh, it's across the 15 acre ice-rink parking lot?  I wonder how many times I will fall.)  Teach 3rd hour remedial math for Mrs. Whats-her-face in a freezing cold totally isolated classroom with 15 boys who look like they want to kill you and make your skin into a suit. 

-Drive to East High School.  Teach 5th and 6th hour  for Mr. Blahblahblah in room 353.  Yes, the school in fact does happen to be 95 degrees!  How did you guess?  BTW Mr. Blahblahblah is a slob and won't have any lesson plans for you.  Good luck!

-Drive back to Central.  Babysit an 8th hour study hall that has a student teacher.  Sure, it's a total waste of time but what do you care?  You're getting paid an almost poverty-level wage no matter what you teach so quit your bitching!

Or even worse:

Job # 23456 7:30 - 3:30

Any Elementary School: All day kindergarten.


(Actually, I taught in kindergarten yesterday and it wasn't so bad.  The kids were very cute.  I was wearing a red jacket and one little girl came up to me and said, "I like your jacket," and on the word "jacket" she poked me hard, dead-center in both boobs with her tiny monkey fingers.)

I think I want to find a job that pays a lot of money, has low expectations, is part-time, where I won't have to drive around all day or get sexually assaulted by small children.  Is that too much to ask?

I'm gonna be a Pilot!

Minnesota legislators are soon going to vote on a bill that would allow people with a four year degree, but no teacher training, become teachers!  You could spend four years in college, get a degree in underwater basket weaving and then get out and teach school! All you will have to do is take a 200 hour crash course in teaching.  (I was a real sucker for taking over four years to learn to be a teacher.  It apparently only takes five weeks.)

The second having to have a license or any kind of specific training to practice a profession is moot, I think I will try out all kinds of things, why not! I have a four-year degree!  I can do anything!

The first thing I'm going to do is become a nurse.  RNs  have four-year degrees, I have a four-year degree, therefore, according to the Minnesota legislature, I could probably do a decent job of being a nurse.  I want some scrubs.  I'm kind of squeamish though so as soon as bodily fluids come into play, I'm outta there.  Kind of like when I joined track in high school to get the cool sweatsuit, but then learned I was expected to run. Every day.  Yeah, right.

Then I think I'll be an electrician.  I use electricity literally all the time.  I'm an electricity expert; flip switch up: on.  Flip switch down: off.   I'm trained (enough)!  I have a bachelor's degree in education.  I'm educated.  If I'm educated, I can do anything, right?  All that's been in my way are these pesky licenses!

Need anything rewired?

Oh, you know what I'd really like to do?  Fly commercial airliners!  I'm sure that YEAR LONG course I suffered through, Methods and Materials of Teaching Secondary English will really help out with takeoff and landing. Once I get my job being a pilot, flying will be much more pleasant.  Trips go by so much faster when I'm the driver.  I have lots of experience driving a car, and a little bit driving a boat, and I actually took over the yolk (that's what they call it) in a small plane and controlled it myself once for about five minutes (actual flying experience).  I'm totally qualified.

Then I think I'll become an architect for a while.  I live in a building, I go in buildings all the time, I've built Sims houses.  I could do it.  I'm qualified because I have a bachelor's degree, and more importantly, I BELIEVE I could be an architect although I have a degree in English Education; just like some Minnesota legislators believe that anyone with a four-year degree can walk into a classroom and teach 30 kids.  Easy.

If this bill passes and you can do ANYTHING with your four-year degree, what do you want to do?

What I love about substitute teaching

My workweek this week:

4 days of work
4 different grades
4 different buildings

1 outfit

Jealous?

Locked in the bathroom

I got called to sub for a P.E. teacher today and it reminded me of the last time I subbed for a P.E. teacher. It was last year and the teacher had an office in the girls locker room behind the gym, way away from the rest of the school. She also had a private bathroom that was in the office. Are you getting this? Bathroom in an office, office in a locker room, locker room behind the gym, way away from rest of the classrooms in the school. ISOLATED.

So, I was in there during prep hour at the end of the day, looking at my email and I had to go to the bathroom. No problem! Super private bathroom! So I went in, and as a reflex I locked the door. I did my thing, and then tried to open the door. It wouldn't unlock. I kind of chuckled, imagining how embarrassing it would be to get locked in a bathroom. Ha ha. Then I really tried to open it. It. Would. Not. Open. CRAP!

Then I remembered that I had no more classes, this was my last hour of the day, so nobody at school would miss me. "Okay, pull it together," I told myself, it would be totally embarrassing, but somebody would come by. Right? I wouldn't die if I had to spend a night in a bathroom. Lots of people do it. That's basically what a jail cell is, a bathroom with a couple cots and a roommate. I didn't have a cot, but I also didn't have a roommate so I figured I was getting the better deal. Then I remembered that it was Friday so if I didn't get found after school, I would be stuck there for the weekend.

Then I remembered that Mitch was out of town for the weekend, and if I didn't get out, my kids would be home alone without me. What would they do?

Then I remembered that there was no school on Monday so I would be stuck in that bathroom for three days. And then when I was finally found, probably by the teacher the following Tuesday (that would be an awkward encounter); nobody would feel sorry for me, they would just think it was hilarious and nobody would appreciate how horrible and embarrassing it was to be stuck in a bathroom in a school for three days. I was desperate so I jammed my thumb into the lock and twisted with all my might. Nothing.

So I sat down and looked around for a tool. I needed something to twist the locking mechanism. There was nothing to use. I mean nothing. Just extra rolls of toilet paper. Not helping! I kept trying to open it with my thumb and finally, finally, after being stuck for a half hour, I got it. My thumb was super sore after that, but it was worth it. I was free!

Then I thought how easy it would have been for the teacher to write a short note, a post-it even, saying "DON'T LOCK THE BATHROOM DOOR! THE LOCK STICKS." That would have been nice to know.

I got home and told my kids what happened and asked them what they would have done if I didn't come home when I was supposed to. Sam said he'd wait a half hour, and then call 911 and give the authorities all the information that he knew. Kira said she would NOT call the police, she would eat ice cream and play in my jewelry box.