Z is for The End of the A to Z contest

Well, I did it.  I blogged every day of April (except Sundays) and assigned each of my posts to a letter of the alphabet.  I won the contest.  Didn't I?  Was this a contest?  What did I win?

Just kidding, I know I didn't win anything (did I???)  I don't have much to write about today, so I will just give you the next Would You Rather question.  Last week's question: "Would you rather have a one-night stand with your middle school gym teacher or kick a puppy in the face" was a landslide in favor of sleeping with your gym teachers.  Gross.  I chose kicking the puppy in the face because I just loved clicking on the box next to the words "kick a puppy in the face."

On to this week's question!

Would you rather..

Have your picture on a store's "thief board" forever next to your bounced check

Or

Run through the store naked just one time

X is for not a lot of things that I want to write about

I went to Mount Vernon on Tuesday.  It was wonderful.  Actually, at first it was kind of annoying because I got there at the same time as about 15 school groups.  I went through the house in the middle of one of those stupid groups.  It was crowded and LOUD.  Annoying.

Look at that line.  Ugh.

Then I decided that most of those groups would be there and gone in the morning so I walked down to the wharf and pioneer farm and kicked around down there for a while. Most of the school groups were staying at the mansion and at the barns so I was out of the crowd anyway.  I met a docent in the replica slave cabin who was answering questions for people.

When I got there he was telling a few ladies about slave-life on Mount Vernon, and then those ladies left and it was just me and him.  I asked him how he knows all that he knows and he told me his personal story of learning about George Washington and falling madly in love with him (he didn't exactly say it that way.) It was a total George Washington geek/love fest.  I could have talked to him all day, but I only stayed until more people came and wanted to ask him questions.

Then I went to pioneer farm and walked around a little.

That's the sixteen sided threshing barn back there.  They put the wheat stalks on the floor and then horses come in and stomp it by running around the circle and the wheat kernels fall through the cracks in the floor and the workers collect it and then sift it and the seeds fall out of their shells and viola, wheat seeds.  Oh, George, you were so smart.

Then I went to the wharf on the Potomac to kill some more time until the school groups left.

I saw that big boat and asked about it and apparently they give tours every forty five minutes that take you around the river in front of the mansion a bit, and down the river far enough to see D.C. in the distance.  I got on with a family of hillbillies.  I know they were hillbillies because they talked and looked like hillbillies.  There was a chain-smoking mom and dad, and five boys between the ages of 8 and 12.  When the tour started everyone went on the top deck to see the sights and listen to the tour guide.  The stupid hillbilly kids were running around playing tag and yelling so loud and being so obnoxious we couldn't hear the tour.  Their parents were no where to be seen and nobody else was saying anything so I told them to stop running around and be quiet.  What?  Somebody had to do it.  They didn't stop running around but they were quiet.  No, I didn't trip them when they ran past me, but I considered it.  Pretty soon they left the upper deck and it was peaceful and we saw the mansion from the river.

Nice huh?

When we were pulling back up to the pier, I noticed that there was an osprey nest on some of the pilings.  I know it was an osprey because the guy I said, "Hey, look at that big bird!  What kind is it?"  He said it was an osprey and who am I to argue?

Can you see her in the middle?  She's kind of looking out at us like, "Hey, get the eff away from my nest, you rubbernecks."

By that time it was afternoon so I decided it was safe to go back up to the main part of the estate.  It was safe.  Most of the school groups were gone.  

For some reason, I'm extremely interested in the outhouses.  Here is a picture of the back of one:

See those little brown doors?  Those open up so the lucky lucky slaves could periodically go in and empty the catch basins so that they didn't have to dig big holes and move the bathrooms when they got full.  People would go to the bathroom either in there, or if it was the middle of the night or winter or something, they used chamber pots.  Yuck.  Here's a view of the inside of the bathroom:

Yeah, that's right, three holes.  HOW could anyone do that?  I wouldn't want to poop simultaneously, in the same room as anyone, even George Washington.  So I asked myself a Would You Rather question:  Would I rather not meet George Washington (I know he's dead), or magically meet someone who has been dead for 200 years BUT I could only talk to him while we were both pooping in his three-hole outhouse.  It's a tough one.  I think I'd rather not meet him.  

I thought I should go on the mansion tour one more time since I probably won't be back for a long time.  I am so glad I did.  I was practically alone.  I got to talk to the docents about stuff and when I got to the end, in GW's study, where he spent so much of his time, the docent stepped out and I WAS TOTALLY ALONE IN GEORGE WASHINGTON'S STUDY!  No, YOU shut up!  It was so fabulous, it was just me and his presidential chair and desk, and his books and his pictures and everything.  I'm really glad I decided to go through the house again.  I don't have pics of the inside because we aren't allowed to take pictures inside, so too bad for you.  I guess you'll have to go see for yourself.  

Then I went through the museum and educational center and shops.  I bought a lot of stuff.  It was a great day.  It's one of my favorite places in the world.  

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ATTENTION!!!!

SYLVIA NEY is So... what else?'s ONE HUNDREDTH MEMBER!  YAAAAYYYY, SYLVIA!!!!  You win the give-away of one of my cheap magnets from the So... what else? store.  Sylvia, email me at pluvial124@gmail.com and tell me which one you want (or I could just surprise you) and tell me where you want it sent.  

Thanks to Sylvia and all the people who come here and see what I'm up to every day!  I really appreciate you guys!  

W is for Walrus

Amy and I started our road trip from Washington D.C. to Minnesota.  We drove for about 13 hours today and have about 9 or 10 hours left for tomorrow.  It wasn't so bad.  We went through Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and now we are in Janesville Wisconsin.  So I guess W could be for Wisconsin.  Or Washington.  Or "What a day!" but when I was writing the title Walrus was all I could think of.

Sam and Kira texted us before and after school.  That was fun.  I told Kira this morning, "The 495 is like a parking lot!" and she said, "I don't know what that means." And I said, "Major traffic" and she said "What's the 494?" and I said, "It's the road," and she said, "Oh.  I get it now."  I guess that joke is wasted on 12 year olds who don't drive or know that freeways are numbered.  Later Sam asked where we were and I said, "Toledo" and he said, "Ha ha.  Really funny.  Where are you really?"  And I said, "Toledo!" and he said, "Toledo, yeah right.  You just made 'Toledo' up."  My son: Geography whiz.  And then I texted Mitch and said, "We are in Chicago.  We are going to go clubbing and get some authentic Chicago 'sausage.'" and he said, "Good luck."  He is so supportive of me.

Now we are in a Motel 6 on the ground floor and it has has two beds, toilet paper and a door; but what it boasts in amenities, it lacks in pillow thickness, but I'm so tired, I won't even notice because I'm sure when my head hits the pillow I will fall asleep and stay asleep until the serial killer that will inevitably come to the truck stop across the parking lot smashes the window and tries to murder us.  Amy is sleeping by the window though, so, you know, I might have a chance.

p.s.  I spent the entire day at Mount Vernon yesterday and it was glorious.  I will tell you all about it tomorrow.  

V is for Violin, and Vivacious and VD! It's also Bloggin' Wednesday! : Tilte at Things I Like To Eat (And Other Nonsense)

This week's Bloggin' survey answers are brought to us by the lovely Tilte from Things I Like To Eat (...And Other Nonsense).  Check out her Blog!  


If you still want to send in your answers to the Bloggin' questions, it's not too late.  Email me at pluvial124@gmail.com.

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about?  Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got some horrible feedback?
I think my blog niche would be "life". Unless, of course, there's a niche for "colonoscopies, estate sales, & Uncrustables".

Originally, I wanted to post solely about food- whether that was restaurant reviews, recipes, whatever. But then I realized there were funny/ notable/ interesting things happening that didn't involve food, but I still wanted to write about them. I also realized I don't have nearly enough money to support the restaurant habit I had originally envisioned. 

I've never pulled a post. Once it's up, it's up. I HAVE received some negative comments in the past. But with blogging, it's bound to happen sooner or later.

2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the bloggers, or are you a lurker?
I follow a lot of blogs. But I'd say there are about 15-20, give or take, that I read on a regular basis. The others either don't blog too often, or their content has changed, or maybe I've just lost interest but still support them.

I actually HAVE met up with some bloggers in real life! I attended BlogHer '11 and met up with bloggers whom I'd already "known" through the internet, as well as others whom I'd never heard of but ended up really liking. If BlogHer '12 was being held in CA, I would have definitely attended. But since that shit's expensive and I have dog food to buy, I won't be making it this year.

3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?
I try to comment on the blogs that I really like (or the blogs of bloggers that I really like). I also comment if the topic or story naturally gets my brain going on a response that I think is worth sharing.

4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?
I think every blogger secretly wants comments like they want a million dollars. Depending on the day, I might feel more okay with not getting comments because the post might have been something that was done more for my own sake. Like a diary entry. Other days, I'm more like "Yes! THIS IS A GEM! My readers are going to be all over this!! :::refresh refresh refresh::: " WTF! How come no one's commenting??? Assholes."

5.  Do you respond to your commentors?
I'm really bad at this. I wish I was more on top of things and responded to every comment. However, what usually happens is- I approve comments throughout the day on my phone. By the time I get home from work, I'm like a zombie and the LAST place I want to be is in front of my computer. So, while I love reading what people have to say about any particular post I've done, I'd say I usually only respond to about half. :::cue sad trumpet:::
  
6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them?  
I have 169 followers through Blogger. 

At first, I used the old "find a blog, join, comment, expect the same in return" technique. But that was when my employment situation required like 1% of my day and I was also in a stupid marriage. So basically, I had all the time in the world. 

Since then, I've guested on a few blogs and joined a few collaboration blogs. I also try to keep my Twitter and Facebook accounts up to date with statuses that aren't just blog-post related. If my readers are anything like me, they're nosy as shit and want to know more about the bloggers they follow. Also, I think it makes us more relateable when readers see that we're serving Lucky Charms for dinner or that the toilet overflowed (again).

7.  How do you promote your blog?
Are Facebook and Twitter considered "promoting the blog"? If so, that's how. I've also been meaning to do a giveaway, but since I'm sure no one wants any of the junk I have laying around here, it's still "in the works" at this point.

8.  Do you write for any other sites?
No. I was one of the original contributors at Sprocket Ink, but my work just got too hectic for any blog that required commitment, scheduling, or thinking.

9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?
Hm, this is a tough one because I really like a lot of things about blogging. I'm going to say my favorite aspects of blogging would be 1) sharing stories, 2) hearing how others relate to my stories, 3) making internet friends, 4) reading other people's funny stories, 5) honing my writing style.

My least favorite things about blogging are 1) not having enough time to blog as often as I'd like, 2) taking pictures of EVERYTHING I do just in case it turns out to be blog worthy.

10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?
My advice to potential bloggers would be: Don't expect to have a million followers/ comments over night. That shit only happens in Hollywood movies. (But if it actually DOES happen to you, make sure to let me know what you've done to get it that way.)

What do I hate to see on a blog: 1) White text on black background, 2) Music players that load right when you open the page, 3) glittery stuff, 4) thousands of self-absorbed pictures of the blogger.
What do I like to see on a blog: 1) STUFF THAT MAKES ME LAUGH, 2) affordable items (if it's a user review), 3) photos that show me more about the blogger's life.

U is for Umbrella which we needed because it was raining today

Today (Monday) Amy and I went to the Capitol and had our wonderful Senate breakfast.  We had to get up in the middle of the night (5:30) to get there on time.  We were going to meet Amy's friend Jeff who is a staffer for Jeff Sessions. We got to the door we were supposed to go in and there was a sign there that said, "The following items are prohibited:  (the obvious things like weapons and bombs), and cell phones, anything with batteries.  What???  So we were wondering if we had to hand them over or something, but we didn't.  Nobody said anything about them when we went through security.  We met Jeff and some other friends and went in the dining room.  Unfortunately there were not a lot of fat cats having breakfast with us, but it was still a great experience.  I had "Senate Eggs," in case you were wondering.

After that Jeff gave us a little tour of the Capitol.  He said that all staffers have to take a tour guide course when they start.  He showed us the rotunda (finally!) and it's a lot smaller than I thought it would be.  I got to see the painting at the top of the dome with my own two eyes.  It was great.  Then he showed us the crypt and someone asked him a question and he said, "I don't know, google it," and Amy said "I bet they didn't tell you to do that in tour guide school."  Then he brought us on the tiny little subway that goes under the Capitol and the congressional office buildings.  Jeff had to go to work so then Amy and I went to Al Franken's office and signed the guest book and chatted up the receptionist for a while.  

Then we went to the Pentagon so Amy could check in at work and look at her email.  I met some more people who said that they look at my blog.  Wow! (Hi Kristin!  Hi Gene!  Hi Matt!  Hi Bill!)  Thank you, Amy for forcing all your co-workers to read my blog. We also went to the pentagon Starbucks which Kristin wasn't thrilled about because the last time she went there she got oatmeal that she suspects gave her food poisoning so bad she had to go to the hospital.

Then Amy and I went to the Holocaust Museum.  We weren't sure if we were going to get to go today because on the news this morning we heard that the president was going to be making a speech from there this morning so we thought maybe we wouldn't even be able to get close to the place.  He was done by noon so we got to go.  I made a total fool of myself when we were going through security.  I was kind of excited that the president was there earlier, so I thought I'd chat up the security guard about it as we were going through.  He was very unenthusiastically telling everyone "Please leave your cell phones and cameras in your bags, set your bags on the belt and go through the metal detector," and I was so busy asking him questions about the president: "Did you see the president?" (no), "Weren't you excited?" (no) "Isn't it exciting!?" (just put your bag on the belt), that I wasn't listening to him and I took my camera and phone out of my bag and he said, "LEAVE your electronics IN your bag," and I said, "Ohhhhhh..." so I put them back in and put my purse on the belt but the strap was wrapped around my scarf and it started pulling me into the belt and finally Mr. Grumpy laughed a little and said, "Hey, we don't want any accidents here."  It was funny.

The Holocaust museum: Total downer.

Then we came home.

Other things I've seen on this trip to Washington:
1. National Archives
2. Washington Monument
3. Sculpture Garden
4. Martin Luther King Memorial
5. FDR Memorial
6. Walked around the tidal pool.
7. Jefferson Monument
8. American History Museum
9. American Art/Portrait gallery
10. The movie 21 Jump Street
11. Amy's party
12.  Amy arguing with her friend Marcel
13.  National Cathedral
14. The Capitals (hockey team) lose in over-time at a bar with Amy who wanted to go to the actual game but nobody wanted to spend hundreds of dollars on a ticket to go with her.  Every time the Caps made a goal Amy said, "I wish I was there!" and then every time the Bruins made a goal she said, "I'm glad I'm not there."  She is a fair-weather fan to a schizophrenic degree.

I did not get to the National Zoo which I kind of wanted to do, but I did see a rat on the tracks of the subway while I was waiting for a train!  That was exciting!  Almost as good as the zoo.  Better than stupid pandas anyway.  I wasn't really looking but then this kid said, "HEY DAD! THERE'S A RAT!" so I ran up to look and I saw it.  The dad said, "Yeah yeah, stop yelling, get away from the edge," (of the platform).  But the kid didn't get away from the edge.  He kept looking and apparently developed an eye for rat-spotting and spotted about three more before his train came.  So therefore:

15. A subway rat.


Tomorrow I am going to Mount Vernon.  I might not come back.

T is for Tip the Scales! It's a Give Away!

No, not the weight scales.  I'm tipping those very effectively with no help at all, thank you very much.  I'm talking about the follower scale.  If you will look at my side bar and scroll down a bit, you will see a widget under the heading "My favorite people in the world."  It's the So... what else member widget. I know it's arbitrary, but as of my writing this, I have 96 members of this blog.  Do you know how much that bugs me?  I need it to be 100.  Four more to go.  Hey!  How about this:  I will give my hundredth follower a gift of their choice of Kira In The Car magnets from the So... what else Store!  Yay!  You could get this:

Or this:

Or any number of other ones.  Your choice.

Hmm? What's that, 96-people-who-pushed-the-join-button-without-knowing-that-the-hundredth-one-would-get-a-prize?  You want to know, "What the HELL?"  Well, sometimes that's just the way the ball bounces.

*Stay tuned for the story about how wonderful my breakfast at the Capitol was.  I'm writing this last Friday so I don't know yet.  I'm as anxious as you to know how it turned out. 

S is for Searches

Occasionally I look at what people google to get to my blog.  There's been a few good ones recently:

 does raccoons hibernate,become dormant,lose its leaves ,migrate??

Everyone knows raccoons become dormant but don't lose their leaves.  How could they survive the inactivity of dormancy with no leaves?  What an idiot.
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 antibiotics from frog skin knife

What?  Who skins frogs?  Their skin is the most delicious part.  I was unaware that their skin contained antibiotics.  And I didn't know there was a specific knife for skinning frogs.  Just a minute,  I'll google it:

Never mind.  Google just led me to my own blog.
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  de vaginas horribles

French perv.
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caveman penis

Cavewoman perv.
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 dr. quinn medicine woman unrealistic surgeries

To the person who googled this:  You better hope you never meet my sister or me in a dark alley.  "Unrealistic" my ass.
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 effexor poop out

 I've never written anything about how effexor affects poop because I am WAY too classy to talk about pooping on my blog, however, since this person is obviously taking effexor, they are "pooping out" waste the size, shape, consistency and color of cannonballs.  Sorry effexor-taker.
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 BEARS EAT PEOPLE

No shit Sherlock.
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  cuter than crayfish crappin

Have another look, there is nothing cute about that.
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 stephen colbert's penis 

Stephen Colbert perv.
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  azia hairy

This was on my list a few times.  What the hell, Azia?  Why do people want to know if you are hairy?
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R is for Rickets! (that has nothing to do with the post, but it's the first R thing that came into my head. I'm losing it on this A-Z thing.)

I'm going to Washington D.C. today to visit my sister for the last time before she goes to prison.  Just kidding.  She's not going to prison.  She's moving to Norfolk for training for when she goes to Afghanistan.  She's in the U.S.O.  She's a tap dancer.  She's going to Afghanistan to tap dance for the troops.  Just kidding again.  She doesn't know how to tap dance.  I don't think.  (Amy, do you know how to tap dance?)  She isn't in the U.S.O. either.  But she is in the Navy so OF COURSE she is going to landlocked Afghanistan.  (raarrrr)

Anyway, I have to go get one more Mount Vernon fix before she moves.  We were planning to take a river cruise to the estate because that would be cool.  Amy looked into it and she said, "The boat will bring us there and then it doesn't leave again for three hours..." thinking, whoa, three hours is PLENTY of time to see Mount Vernon for the fourth time in two years.  And I said, "Nope.  That won't work.  It's going to take us WAY longer than three hours!" Ha ha! what was she thinking?  I bet she is dreading it.  But there is so much to see!  I want to go through the house again, go through the educational center, look at every single thing in the museum, walk all over the grounds, see all the little animals and buy more mints in adorable little tin boxes from the gift shop and so on and so on and so on.  I'm thinking we'll be there for eight?, maybe nine? hours?  Sound good Amy?!

We are also going to see the Holocaust museum. Par-TAY!

Then we are going to drive home together, bonding like crazy and holding hands the whole way.  

Q is for Question: Do you think Teeny Hats are as funny as I think they are?

Happy Thanksgiving.  

This guy is trying to look tough while a teeny little hat is stuck  to his head.
How does it stay on?  Is it glued?

This is my favorite

Even people with teeny hats have to go to the doctor sometimes.

Oh, changed my mind, this one is my favorite.
This cat is going to a party.

O is for Oh my goodness, I found a cool website...

I got an email from a woman a while back that said she was on a team developing a weight-loss website and would I be interested in reviewing it on my blog?  I told her I would try it out and write about it.  I am not really in a dieting mode lately, but I thought I'd join the site and go through the motions anyway just for the review.  I LOVE the site.  It's called Slimkicker and it's at Slimkicker.com. 

Its more like social networking or a game than the old traditional keeping a food log.  I joined the site, made a profile, entered my ideal weight and we were off.  It calculated what I need for calories and nutrition.  I enter what I eat into a log, and I think almost every food - brand name and restaurant included - is in the database.  After I enter my food in I can click onto a nutritional allowance page and see if I got enough of the nutrients I need.  I think this is fascinating.  I never get enough fat or protein.  I always go way over on carbs and sugar.  I'm pretty good at getting the right amount of calories, fiber, and cholesterol, but I'm way out of whack on the rest.  I never knew that before.

I like how this site is more like a game than a diet.  You get points and can move up levels when you earn enough points.  You get points for entering food, exercising, eating good foods, doing challenges etc.  I get a little thrill when I eat some peppers or something and get a bunch of points.  When I earn enough points to go up a level, I get a treat.  My treat that I chose is a cupcake.  (counter-productive much?)  You can get friends on the site too.  I have a bunch already and they check in with me and ask how I'm doing.  I love it!  I'm still not in a dieting mood and don't really feel like reaching any kind of weight deadline or goal, but I'm having fun playing on the site and I feel good when I meet my nutritional needs and don't go over or stay too far under.  It's fun!  You should check it out.  If you decide to join, friend me!  

M is for - Would you rather... (what? I couldn't think of an M word and it's time for a new Would You Rather question. Okay?)

It's time for a new Would You Rather question!  Last week the question was "Would you rather use a litter box in private for a year, or use a toilet in front of an audience one time"  That was a tough question because neither choice is very fun to think about, but think about it you did!  You thought about what kind of litter you could use, you thought about having a marathon poop in front of the audience, you worried that if you chose the litter box option, you could never leave the house again, which made me think, "You poop in bathrooms other than your own? How???"  I chose the litter box option because I think I'd rather die than eliminate my waste in front of an audience.  But why is it so humiliating?  Everyone does it.  The majority of you chose to go in front of a crowd.  I can hardly go in a bathroom stall.

So this week's question is more of a "What would you love more," than "Would you rather."  Here it is:

Would you rather...

Have wings instead of arms 
(yes, there is flying, but no hands)

OR

Have hooves instead of feet
 (clop clop clop)

Like this but permanent! 

If you have a "Would You Rather" question idea, email it to me!

L is for Love

Mitch is so in love with me.  You know how I know that?  Because he skinned his knee the other day and, knowing my love of picking scabs, cultivated the perfect pickin' scab, and this morning he let me pick it.  He whined and flinched and cried like a baby, like I was ripping duct tape off his eyeballs, but he didn't stop me.  He did all that just for me.  I would much rather pick a good scab than get a dozen roses, and Mitch knows that.  THAT's true love.

My sister told me once that in the dating world there is a concept called "The jar of scabs." Imagine you are in the bathroom of someone you just started dating. You are snooping.  In the medicine cabinet you find a jar full of.... something....what is that?...Bacos?...raisins?....Oh my god... it's scabs.  This is something your date never wanted you to know about, or at least not yet.  It's his literal jar of scabs.

Everyone tries to hide their most disgusting habit; their metaphorical "jar of scabs," if you will.  You can't let your dates know that you, for example: wipe your boogers on the underside of your end tables, or smell your ear wax, or eat when you're on the toilet; until they are so invested, and are so crazy about you that if they ever find out about it, they have no choice but to ignore it.  It just turns out that my "jar of scabs" is actually scabs.  I don't keep the scabs or anything.  After the scab is picked, I don't want anything to do with it.  I just like picking them off.  Boy, I'm really saying scab a lot in this post, scab scab scab.

Anyway, Mitch knows about my jar of scabs (metaphorical! I already told you I don't keep them! Gross!), and although he is disgusted by it, he knows what it means to me, so he was sweet enough to carefully cultivate a perfect scab for me to pick, even though it grossed him out, even though it literally hurt him to do it.  So, thank you again, Mitch.  I love you too.

What is your jar of scabs?




FYI:  I typed "jar of scabs" into Google images.  There were 54,000 results. Do NOT google "jar of scabs."

K is for a non-Kangaroo and some other animals that didn't jump through a hoop

Conversation I had with a second grader last week:

Kid:  Did you see the animal show yesterday?

Me:  No, did you have an animal show at school?

Kid: Yes!  The guy had a big turtle and he tried to make it jump through a hoop!

Me:  Oh really?  Did he do it?

Kid:  No.

Me:  Were there any other animals?

Kid:  Yeah, the guy had a giant bunny that hopped on its back legs.

Me:  Are you sure it wasn't a kangaroo?

Kid:  Yeah, I'm sure.  It was way smaller than a kangaroo.  The guy tried to make him jump through the hoop too.

Me:  Did he do it?

Kid:  No.

Me:  Oh.

Kid: He had a big snake too.

Me:  Did the snake jump through the hoop?

Kid:  No.

giant bunny

H is for Haiku

Nobody reads my
Blog on Saturdays. Hey, pay
Attention to me.

No toilet paper

In the downstairs bathroom.

Hey Mitch, what the fuck?

Lucas, why ride your

horse so hard? Don't you think he
gets tired? Calm down.

Would I look dumb if
I wore a gun belt?  I think
I'd look cool. Pew! Pew!

Carbohydrates: my
best friends in the world. I want
more noodles please.  Now.

G is for Gee whiz, my sister has a blog!

My sister Amy is kind of a big shot in the U.S. Navy (well, a middle shot maybe. Or a peon. I don't really know.  She's somewhere between Gomer Pyle and General Schwarzkopf.  I think.)  Anyhoo, she is going to Afghanistan in several months, so she is starting training for the job she is going to have there.  Everyone told her to keep a journal while she is there but she is no good at journaling, but she wanted to keep a record of her experiences so she started a blog.  It's called Sailing into the Desert.  You should follow her and read all about her experiences.

I was going to put an embarrassing picture of Amy here,
but then it occurred to me that maybe it's not a good
 idea to embarrass a person who has tons of embarrassing
 pictures of me and now also has a blog.
But I was so looking forward to putting an embarrassing picture up,
so instead I am including this picture of my other sister,
Beth, who does NOT have a blog.  (Ha ha, Beth.  Bet you wish you had a blog.)

This is from when she was in basketball in eighth grade.
I mostly like that her shirt says, "It all happens here."

Oh, and nice hair.

She seems to be looking forward to this adventure, but I keep telling her that Afghanistan is a shithole.  No, I've never been there, but I'm pretty sure it's a big giant shithole.  Especially if you're a woman.  Lots of illiterate men with gross beards and guns who spend more time and effort on bombing big ancient Buddhas than they do providing food or education for their people.  Heaven (sarcasm font) Oh well, as long as she doesn't drive, show her hair, or speak before she's spoken to it should be sweet. (again with the sarcasm) 


I don't want her to go, can you tell?  Mostly because it's so far away and it's dangerous!, but also for selfish reasons: I really liked visiting her in Washington D.C. and San Diego and Monterrey, but I don't want to go to Kabul or Qandahar for sister's weekend.  That would SUCK.

So go to her blog, follow her, comment on her posts.  Do it.

E is for Eloquence

My niece Sid is such a brat but she is so funny.  Lately she has been copying how people talk.  She told my mom one day, "My dad said to me: 'You're annoying,'" and when she said "you're annoying" she said it in a really deep, dumb sounding voice.

Her baby sister recently had a birthday and I asked Sid if the cake was good.  She said to me, "I wanted to touch the frosting but then Mom said, 'DON'TYOUDARETOUCHTHATCAKE!'" and she yelled out the quote in a screamy, devil voice.  Oh, how I laughed.

Recently she was laughing about something so my sister asked her what was so funny.  She said, "Grandma always says to me, 'You're squishing my boob!'  That's funny."  That IS funny.  Why do you let her squish your boobs so much, Mom?

When she isn't doing unflattering impressions of her family members she just copies what you say right after you say it.  I forgot how annoying that is.  Her dad is right.  

D is for Doh! It's Bloggin' Wednesday! : Hobo Siren

Today's Bloggin' post is from Summer from Hobo Siren.  She is blog-married to last week's Bloggin' writer, Kady from A Lady Reveals Nothing.  Lately they've been doing podcasts together.  Hilarious.

That's Summer on the left.  She's an insomniac.  Kady is
on the right.  She's not an insomniac.

It's not to late to get in on Bloggin' Wednesday.  Email your answers to me if you want to be featured!

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about? 
Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got
some horrible feedback?

I’m not sure about my “niche.” I tend to describe it as being about travel and
being cheap, and stories about weird and awkward things that happen to me—
mostly while traveling or being cheap. I’ve called it a “lifestyle blog” before, but it
made my stomach hurt a little.

I haven’t been doing this that long. I wrote less than a dozen posts intended for
less than a half-dozen friends when I moved away once, and I kept a blog when
I was in Southeast Asia (again, target audience=family and friends). I started
blogging regularly in late August 2011. I went back and deleted some really
boring posts that just weren’t very public-audience-accessible. I’ve never gotten
negative feedback, but frankly I don’t write about anything controversial. I just try
to not be boring.

My inspiration mostly lies in weird interactions with homeless people, bad
marketing, and bullet-points. And after this description, perhaps I should just say
that my blog is verbose and sure does likes italics.

2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the
bloggers, or are you a lurker?

Not as many as I think I’m supposed to. The thing is—I’m a full-time student who
can’t manage to read everything I’m supposed to read for class. Honestly, I’m
kind of a slow, obsessively thorough reader. It’s like how I have a super slow
metabolism… so why would I eat skittles? They taste like sour potpourri; I’ll have
a steak, thanks. Did I get lost in my metaphor? No, I don’t read a lot of blogs and
when I do, they better count.

I do have contact with other bloggers. Sometimes I feel like Kady (of A Lady
Reveals Nothing) and I are in some weird blog partnership but she has way more
readers than me at this point. We pass blog-jealousy back and forth. I mean she
was just featured on Forbes.com.

3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?

I like to let people know when I’m into what they’re doing.

4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?

8? It makes it so much more rewarding. There’s nothing like an “Oh my gawd
you made me laugh so hard my whole office was like, ‘what is SO funny!?’” I also
love love love group participation, like for my out-of-context-photo-Friday-contest.
It makes me feel like a mama bear. When I started doing Ask Hobo Siren video
responses, the comments were a huge relief. Putting a video up was terrifying,
even if it felt funny to me.

5.  Do you respond to your commentors?
Frequently

6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them?  

I have an embarrassingly low number of followers. This might be because I’m not
sure if I have a “follow this blog” button. Hmmm…

7.  How do you promote your blog?

I’m the worst at this. I honestly can’t say I’ve done anything to promote. My
version of promotion is inserting hyperlinks in this response I’m sending to Sarah.
I post my links on Twitter, but only have about 60 Twitter followers. I’d like to
think if I build it, they will come, but this does not seem to be the case.
It’s not that I don’t want to work to get more followers; I just don’t want to look like
I’m working to get more followers. Hey, Sarah’s followers (both of you): do my
blog too!

8.  Do you write for any other sites?

Not regularly. I will be featured on this blog shortly. Would you like me to write on
your blog? I can do this:

9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?

Hands down, making people laugh is all the validation a middle-child chubster
from a dysfunctional family needs. Every so often, someone says, “I read your
blog… it’s really funny.” Man, this makes my day. They’re always the phantom
readers; sometimes this message comes via a sibling in the form of, “Man, your
sister’s blog is really funny.”

Least favorite… the numbers game. I’ll get a huge spike in readership for a bit,
but it will taper out over the months and then all of the sudden, I have the same
readership I had my second month blogging. It makes me wonder what I’m
doing wrong and in turn makes me critical of blogs with heavy readership (how
awesome is the phrase “heavy readership”?) Like, why does this girl who posts
photos of her outfit have 700 followers? I have outfits!

Also, I am a writing student (technical writing/communications, editing, etc.) and
I’d like to make a living as a freelance writer. I’m always torn between trying to
build my blog as a portfolio (like actually show “professional” writing) or simply
build it as what it is right now—a silly anecdotal picture diary.
In addition, I hate feeling guilty about not posting when I’m dry and the
occasional—why do I spend so much time on this?

10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when
you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?

I would encourage bloggers to understand that writing is rewriting. I don’t
necessarily sit down and write a post that goes up the next day. I have lots of
drafts floating around. They might contain just a title or the outline or bones of a
post. When I’m feeling buzzed inspired, I’ll sit down and dump a bunch of words
on the screen then come back and clean them up. This is also a good way to
avoid publishing over-confessional, over-earnest, over-bitter stuff you will take
down later.

I would also encourage bloggers to have sort of one or two cheaty-gimmecky
regular features, because I think a lot of us feel pressure to produce content most
days of the week and we’re not getting paid enough (wait, are you guys getting
paid?) to work that hard or long at producing content, so you will eat your
Sunday Guh and your Weekly Hybrid Neologism and you will like it.

I tend to groan over extremely earnest, inspirational stuff that encourages us all
to think stuff like, we are all awesome and amazing and beautiful and creative.
Frankly, I’m not sure that’s not a dangerous message and it’s a bit tacky. Saying
stuff like that is probably not the way to increase readership, huh? I also don’t like
fat or short bloggers.

I once found this blog—I was two posts in and thinking, yeah this chick is funny
and irreverent—but she completely lost me with a post about how Rihanna’s
crotch-grabbing was sexually-empowering.
I’m just kidding about not liking fat or short bloggers. Was it necessary for me to
clarify?

C is for Celebrity

Last weekend we asked the kids if they wanted to go out for dinner.  And they both said, "YEAH!" and Sam said, "Let's go somewhere nice this time.  Like Bridgeman's."  The fact that they think Bridgeman's is fine dining is a little worrisome, but hey, they are cheap dates. (The fact that they are such cheap dates really is worrisome.)

While we there a local celebrity came in with his wife. (Celebrities, they're just like us...) It was Dennis Anderson, a long time news anchor, now retired.

We recognized him, of course, everyone here does, but big deal.  He was a news anchor/mortician.  The most interesting little factoid I know about him is that he wore an obvious toupee when on the air, but didn't wear it when he was being a funeral director.  I don't even know if that is true, I just heard it somewhere.  He was wearing the toupee to Bridgeman's, of course, because of the fine dining.

Sam said hello to him and seemed a little giddy which I thought was cute and weird.  Then I looked across the table at Kira.  Her eyes were like saucers and her mouth was hanging open.  She was absolutely in awe of sharing the same space with Denny Anderson.  DENNY ANDERSON!  She was speechless.  She loves him because he looks like Teddy Roosevelt.  Unfortunately her speechlessness didn't last and she started talking non-stop about him.  He was sitting in the booth right behind us and I'm sure he could hear her.  We had to leave because she was whipping herself up into a celebrity frenzy.  She wanted to ask for his autograph.  We wouldn't let her.  I wonder what she would have done with Denny's autograph?

B is for Blech

My coffee tastes like someone with coffee breath swished it around in their mouth, and then spit it onto a sweaty sock which was then wrung out into my coffee pot.  

(that's not steam, those are stink lines)

A is for Animal Hybrids

(I have decided to participate in the A to Z blogging challenge for the month of April.  The only thing this means for you, readers, is that all my posts will be titled "___ is for ___" depending on the letter of the day.  If you have any suggestions for any of the letters, leave me your ideas in the comments and I'll see what I can do.)

It's spring!  So today I went outside to enjoy nature and see what is going on in my beautiful town of Duluth, Minnesota!  I love taking every opportunity to go outside into the elements and mingle with strangers and get extra exercise.

First of all, I went on my deck to see the new spring birdies:

Well, this seems strange.  This bird seems to have a bunny head and he's eating the brand new buds on all my trees.  Great.  Bunnies with no limits.  

And look at this one!  Cute!  He doesn't care too much for seeds though.  I offered him some and he got this sad look on his face.  He mostly wants to chew up dirty underwear and eat cat poop.  Those things aren't as delightful in a hanging feeder.  But if I don't do it he barks his stupid little high-pitched, annoying bark.  

I was having so much fun outside, enjoying being away from my TV and computer that I decided to take a trip down to the lake to see lake-nature!  I was lucky enough to catch a glimpse of one of the rare Lake Superior penguins.  They are coming ashore to nest.  

Raaaarrr.

Just kidding!  I didn't really go outside!  A is also for April Fool.