Friday, February 25, 2011

Kira in the Car Part XIII

Kira: Dad, if Tic Tacs cost $20, would you still buy them?

Mitch: No.

Kira:  What if there was a million dollar bill in the container?

Mitch:  Well then, yes, I guess I would.

Kira: But what if the million dollar bill was fake?

Mitch:  Then I wouldn't.

Kira: But what if a fake million dollar bill was worth ten thousand dollars?

Mitch:  (sigh) Then I would.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Copy Cat

I went to the movie Unknown with my friend Dana last night, and this is what I have to say to the movie Unknown:  "Hey Unknown, I've seen the Bourne Identity and you, sir, are no Bourne Identity."  Also, Berlin seems to totally suck.  A lot of assassins who have forgotten that they are assassins regretfully remember that they are assassins in Berlin and try to right their wrongs with the help of  young, beautiful down-on-their-luck Eastern European women.  And the weather seems to always be shitty, which seems a little like I'm the pot calling the kettle black, considering my last post, but come on, Berlin, movies are supposed to attract people to the cities they are set in, not repel them.

Also, I've been hearing the Lady Gaga song Born This Way on the radio and I like it a lot.  I also liked it back in 1989 when Madonna sang it and it was called Express Yourself.  But I can't stay annoyed at Lady Gaga. She wore a meat dress.  And meat shoes, and a meat hat and had a meat purse that she made Cher hold for her.  That is just too wonderful.  

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


We had a big storm last weekend (don't say "no shit, Sherlock!" to me.  It's not nice.)  We didn't get the snow that people got in the southern portion of the state, but we got a lot of wind.  When it gets windy around here Lake Superior gets terrifying.  Kira and I went out for a while the other day and took some pictures and movies of the lake.

This is Kira next to a little boat that sells popsicles and hot dogs in the summer time.  The lake side of this boat is coated in several inches of ice.  FREAKY!

Here is the same boat from the front.  The lake side is coated in ice, but the other side is totally clear.  Isn't that weird?  I mean that the line would be so precise?  Hm.  I think it's weird.  

This is the harbor lift bridge.  They paint it in the winter when the shipping traffic stops.  The tarps they put up got ripped into tatters in the wind.  For some reason Kira is fascinated by this.  She keeps saying, "OH MY GOD, I bet those guys are so cold!"  I think she thinks they live in there.  They don't.  

Kira on top of a rock coated with about two inches of ice.  She kept saying, "Come up here!  It's so fun!"  Out behind her is the lake. The wind blew tons and tons of ice to the end of the lake where the harbor is.  It was weird because the waves under the ice were huge and you could see the ice rising and falling.  It is covered with broken ice chunks for about a mile.  

After we were at the harbor for a while, we drove up the shore a ways so we could see some open water and some waves. This picture was taken at Brighton Beach, where we swam last summer:

Those rocks were hot last summer.  Felt good on the feet.  After seeing it yesterday I can't believe it will ever be warm again.  

Here's a movie I took.  The wind is so loud it's kind of annoying so turn the volume down.

Be nice to Kira or she will do that to your head.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My new boyfriend

Happy President's Day!  I have been reading the book 1776 by David McCullough and I think I'm a tiny bit in love with George Washington.  He was so brave, and heroic, and tall, and such a good leader.  (Sigh.)  What really did it for me was when I read a story to a kindergarten class last week about how Washington returned General Howe's dog when it was captured by the Yankees during the revolutionary war.  The Yankees wanted to keep it as it would serve as a blow to the moral of the British, but keeping someone's pet for spite was too much for George, and he called a cease-fire and returned the dog.  Awwww!!  (It's a true story.  I looked it up.) I also recently watched the HBO miniseries John Adams, which was wonderful, and David Morse of Hack fame played George Washington.  Oh, you have never heard of the show Hack?  How embarrassing for you.  It was a show about a cab driver (David Morse) and Mitch and I liked it because the Hack character would push people down on a regular basis.  David Morse is HUGE.  He can really push. And he makes a great GW.

David Morse as GW
Of course, I don't think anything will come of my infatuation with George Washington, so don't worry about my marriage.  George Washington will never come between Mitch and me.  For one thing, he's 238 years older than me.  He and I together would be grosser than Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.  Also, he had worse teeth than me.  By the time he was president he only had one natural tooth left so he wore dentures which were NOT made out of wood, but out of ivory, gold, springs, and at least one cow tooth (gross), and although I am in no position to criticize someone else's teeth, I would not want to have any long frenchers with someone with cow teeth.  (No offense, Martha)

He was a snappy dresser.  He had his uniforms and suits made for him in London by a tailor and he always looked impeccable.  Most men of the time wore wigs, but not George.  He wore his own hair in a pony and powdered it white.  He wasn't a big fan of bathing though.  He thought too many baths were unhealthy.  I bet he didn't smell all that great, unless his hair powder was made by Drakkar Noir, but I'm pretty sure they didn't have Drakkar back then. (just kidding, Drakkar: yuck)

my  boyfriend
George was a fantastic horse rider. (Horses! EEEE!) Unfortunately during the French and Indian War he had two horses shot out from under him.  TWO!  He was really broken up about that because he loved animals.  He was a dog breeder and really loved his dogs.  He had really cute names for his dogs like Sweetlips and Truelove.  Awww!  (But also he had some dogs named Drunkard and Tipler.  That could be a red flag.  I don't know if I would want to have a relationship with a man with a bunch of alcoholic dogs.)

He never had biological children of his own.  Some historians speculate that because he had smallpox as a young adult it might have caused him to be sterile.  (Sterility: not a deal-breaker) Martha had two children from her previous marriage before she married George (her first husband died) and George raised them and loved them like they were his own.  Unfortunately they both died young.  Then George and Martha raised their two grandchildren.

George was a Southern plantation man and had slaves.  Lots and lots of slaves.  (Slavery, that's kind of a deal-breaker for me.)  Of course he set all his slaves free in his will, but that's kind of a fuck-you gift to the black man of 1799 isn't it?  "You're free, now beat it!"  I don't know.  Probably.  He had misgivings about slavery but never spoke publicly about it because he didn't want the country torn apart by the slavery issue.  (OMG!  Predict the future much?!) He left orders in the will that the older slaves be clothed and fed and provided for, and the younger ones to be educated and trained in an occupation, so, that's something, I guess.

So anyway, despite the 238 year age difference, my insistence on basic hygiene, and my opposition to alcoholic pets and slavery, I think I am still in love with George Washington.  I can't help myself!

Happy Birthday, George!

Friday, February 18, 2011

A Little Girl's Dream Comes True!

Mitch brought Kira to the boat show at the convention center last night and they found a booth that was offering mechanical bull rides.  What little girl doesn't want to ride a mechanical bull?  Well, I don't know about most little girls, but OUR little girl has been thinking about testing her mettle on a mechanical bull for months!  Finally she got the chance!  Dad comes through again!  She was feeling a little shy about it at first, but Mitch reminded her of her mechanical bull dreams and made her go for it.  The guy running the bull looked to Mitch as if to say, "Should I take it easy on her?" and Mitch said, "DO NOT go easy.  Knock her off." which sounds kind of mean, but if you know Kira, that's the nicest thing a father could have done for her.  She's disgusted by coddling unless it is during the game of Sorry.  Then she insists her opponent go easy on her.

 She LOVED it.  She wants to go back and do it again.  Here are some pics:




SO FAST YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT!  (she's falling off)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

An Idiot Abroad

When Mitch and I moved to Duluth we decided we weren't going to get cable TV anymore.  It's been 11 years and we still don't have it and I have to say, for the most part it has been a brilliant decision.  We used to find ourselves watching a lot of VH1 Behind The Music shows about people we totally didn't care about.  Our knowledge of the detailed love triangles and squares and hexagons of Fleetwood Mac is probably taking the place in our brains where we could instead know the theory of relativity or French.

I haven't even wished I had cable until last weekend.  I watched a show at my parent's house on the Science channel? I think? called An Idiot Abroad.  It was created by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.  It's hilarious.  The premise is that Ricky and Stephen send their uncultured friend Karl to the seven wonders of the world because it's funny to watch him deal with culture shock and travel, and he hates it.

I saw the episode where they sent him to Jordan to see Petra.  Oh my god it was so funny!  I looked up the website and found these great photos and quotes from some of the episodes:

Check it out!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I miss my old gauchos

This week is Winter Week(?) at Sam's school.  That's what he says it is, but I bet it's Winter Sport's Week or something like that instead of just "Winter Week."  They have a different theme for every day and today's theme was "decade day."  They could dress up like a person from the decade of their choice.  Sam LOVES David Hasslehoff of Knight Rider fame so he did his best impression with what he had in his closet.

He OF COURSE wouldn't let me take a picture of him because 1) he looked cute 2) he's an INFURIATING eighth grade boy and 3) I think he somehow knows the picture would have ended up on the internet.  (Can't blame him for that, it would have.)  So instead of a picture that describes him in a thousand words, I will have to actually use a thousand real words to describe him.  Just kidding.  I'm not using a thousand words.  It wasn't that funny.  He wore jeans, a red t-shirt (or maybe it was black.  I can't remember.  DAmmit, I should have taken a picture!) a jean jacket, and a HUGE BELT BUCKLE THAT SAYS "SAM"!  The belt buckle really made the outfit, although I never saw Michael Knight wear a "Sam" buckle on Knight Rider.  Oh well.  It was funny.  Also, Sam is growing a beard, I mean "beard" because it looks a lot like my premenopausal beard and I wouldn't call that a real beard, just random strange-looking, surprisingly long chin hairs.  Kind of like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

The whole dressing-up-in-past-decade-apparel got Mitch and I talking about stuff we used to wear.  Mitch went through a Prince faze, (the singer, not the royalty.  Wait, maybe... I don't think...  I'll have to check.) and he described an outfit he had that included a set of suspenders that were not meant to go on the shoulders, but to hang down, jauntily.  AWESOME.  I remembered fondly a set of gauchos I had in fourth grade and an elastic belt that went with them that said "GAUCHOS GAUCHOS GAUCHOS" across the whole thing. I miss those.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day List: Brothers with whom I'd have a threesie

1.  The Kratt brothers.

The Kratt brothers (on far right and far left)
2.  The Keno twins from Antique Road Show.

Niiiiiiiicccce cheeeeeeesssssstttt....
3.  Owen and Luke Wilson.

Hey guys, lose the old-timey hats and let's get this party started...
4.  Leo DiCaprio and Matt Damon.  What's that you say?  They are not brothers?  Are you sure???

Boys, boys, don't fight... shhhhhh...there's enough for everyone...
5.  Mario and Luigi

Oh, and btw, when I say threesie I, of course, mean people that I'd be willing to share a heart shaped box of chocolates with:

What were you thinking of?


Sunday, February 13, 2011

What I know today

January is not my best blogging month.  But hey, it's already February, so I guess February isn't all that great either.  I'm going to try to be more consistent but I feel like I don't have a lot to say these days, and I don't know why that would stop me from blogging every day NOW because I've never really had anything earth-shattering to say and I've never had a problem being consistent before.  I started to the blog to write about the funny stuff my kids did that I would tell people about and they would say, "OMG, that's so funny!  You should write that down!" but why write stuff down if nobody is going to read it, right?  So I started a blog like 3 billion other people.

Apparently my kids are an utter disappointment lately because they aren't providing much blog fodder, and if kids aren't good for blog material and getting you the remote and a diet coke when you're comfortable and don't want to get up, then what good are they?  Just kidding.  My kids are really good at getting me the remote and diet cokes, but I gotta say, I'm getting a little sick of their "concern" about my diet coke habit.  (say the following in a naggy, annoying voice:) "You should stop drinking this stuff, it rots your teeth.  My class saw a movie about dental hygiene and they put a tooth in a glass of diet coke for 24 hours and it had a cavity when they took it out!"  Okay, for one thing, I don't think putting a tooth in a glass of diet coke is a scientifically credible experiment on what happens to teeth when you drink diet coke because who is swishing their mouth with diet coke for 24 hours at a time, and where did they get the experiment tooth?  Did it fall out?  Why?  Was it one of the baby teeth that elementary schools are disgustingly full of?  YUCK. Who volunteers a healthy tooth for a stupid elementary school experiment? And what about the spit? WHAT ABOUT THE SPIT!  And for another thing, SHUT IT.  I could be downing six packs of Old Milwaukee or eight-balls of crack (Is that the right nomenclature?  Is it crack that comes in eight-balls? I'm not sure and you know why? BECAUSE I'M A GOOD MOTHER!)

Anyhoo, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, lack of good blog material.  Well, you know what they say, "write what you know" so I'm sorry, Following, here's what I know this weekend.  I went up to my parent's house for the weekend and visited with family and played with my niece who is adorable and hilarious and ROTTEN, and who is soon to be old-news because Beth's new baby is going to be born in 26 days.  My favorite thing that my niece did this weekend was put a white eraser on my hair brush and brush her teeth with it.  I looked at Beth like, "what the heck is she doing?" and Beth said, "She has a really big tooth brush," which I'm still laughing about.  I also took advantage of my parent's awesome wi-fi connection by watching Netflix on demand movies.  I watched The Crucible which should be alternately titled Mean Girls, 1692! Puritan Bitches GONE WILD!  

I also took advantage of my dad's super-duper five blade razor that I spotted in the shower this morning.  That sucker really cuts through the brush!  (sorry, Dad) Actually, I'm not sorry.  I'm genetically hairy, and it's all my parent's fault.  They should have known something ominous would happen when they read their wedding invitations which said: "Mr. and Mrs. Bigfoot Sasquatch want you to join in the celebration of the marriage of their daughter to the son of Mr. and Mrs. Abominable Snowman-Yeti," So anyway, Mom and Dad, just be glad I'm not a boy, and the number of the local RotoRooter man is 729-7686.  I'm not saying you'll need it, but just in case.  It was worth it though because I'm smoooooooooooooooooth.

Oh, and I notice that I have a new follower!  Yay for me!  I love when that happens! And if you read this blog with any regularity, you know that the next several new followers are entitled to one of my Grandma's head staples, so guess what Rachel McGrath?  Welcome! and you are the lucky winner!  And because you're the first new follower I've gotten in a pathetically long time, I will send you a staple with skin still on it!  LUCKY! Email me you're address and I'll slap it in the mail!*  That's what I know for today.  Have a great week everyone!

*Rachel, I already threw the staples away because they were grossing my family out sitting on the kitchen counter.  I could send you something else gross though.  You know, if you really want it.  Let me know!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

The Rite (spoiler alert!)

I went to see the movie The Rite today by myself because nobody I know seems to love devil-horror the way I love devil-horror.  I also love Anthony Hopkins, I mean SIR Anthony Hopkins.  The movie is about a young seminary student named Michael who doesn't want to be a priest, but his crazy mortician dad won't pay for  college, so his plan is to go to seminary on a scholarship, get an education, then opt out of being a priest at the end.

Then the story jumps to four years later when Michael is about to finish seminary school and he is still a skeptic about the whole God thing, so he writes a letter to Father Superior to tell him he's not going to take the final vows because the priesthood is not his thing.  Father Superior sits down with Michael and has a talk with him about his scholarship and tells him that it is perfectly legal for church to say that his scholarship was not a scholarship at all, but a loan.  A hundred thousand dollar loan.  NICE, Catholic church!  So Father Superior tells Michael that because of his gory history of living in a mortuary, maybe he could be an exorcist.  Michael, of course, thinks this is total B.S. but decides to go to Rome for two months to take the course anyway, because hey, it's a two month trip to Rome.

During the exorcism course, he challenges the teacher by saying that what the "possessed" people probably have is psychological problems, and not a demon.  The teacher sees promise in young Michael so he sends him to see Father Lucas (Hopkins) who is an expert exorcist, (but a bit of a loose cannon!) with the hopes of convincing Michael of the reality of demon possession.  As luck would have it, Father Lucas has a client? patient? named Rosaria who is 16, pregnant, and possessed by the devil.

(Being a teenager BLOWS.)

Father Lucas tells Michael the basics of exorcism, the most important being making the demon identify himself.  Apparently if you can trick them into telling you their names, you can get them out easier.  Rosaria exhibits all the symptoms of possession:  scratching things with her finger nails, cracking her knuckles, arching her body into extreme yoga positions, coughing up nails.  You know, the usual.  Michael still isn't convinced.  STUBBORN!  He thinks Father Lucas is somehow tricking him and he thinks Rosaria needs help from a real doctor.  Turns out Father Lucas is a doctor as well as an exorcising priest.  (Nice resume!)

Rosaria eventually goes totally nuts with this stupid demon and ends up in the hospital where she has the baby by herself (Nice hospital!) and she and the baby both die.  Now there is a free demon wandering around and guess who he seeks out?  That's right, Father Lucas!  And guess who is the only one who can exorcise the demon?  That's right!  Michael!  He's lacking confidence at first and only goes through the motions of exorcising, and it doesn't work.  Then he steps up his game and really brings out the big exorcising guns and gets that horrible demon to say his name (Baal) and everyone lives happily ever after.

It was an okay movie as far as devil horror goes, but I gotta say, the scariest thing I find about devil horror is that lots of people actually believe this stuff!  There really ARE exorcists!  I think they take on the job for the same reason people become Maytag repairmen, or the vice president.  They have lots of sitting-around time.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Guess what this is?

Okay, I'll just tell you.  They are the staples that held my poor Grandma's head wound closed after her brain surgery.  She had them taken out today and when the nurse wheeled her into the waiting room Gram looked at me and said to the nurse, "Can I keep my staples?" and the nurse was like, "" and Gram said, "I want my staples," so the nurse went back in and I imagine dug them out of the trash and brought them out to her in a little box.  Then Gram handed them to me and said, "Here.  These are for you."  So I get to keep them!

This may seem weird to you, but one time Kira and I were obsessively lusting after a scab my grandma had on her knee because we LOVE to pick scabs, and let me tell you something, that particular scab was a BEAUTY, perfectly round, dry and thick.  Gram wouldn't let us pick it and Kira asked if when it finally came off if Gram would send it to us.  We couldn't go that far, but Gram must have remembered our love of healing wounds and was thoughtful enough to share her head staples with us.

Jealous?  Hey!  Maybe I could have a blog giveaway!  Become a new follower and I'll send you a staple!  And if you get two friends to become followers, I'll give you one that has skin on it!  (But act fast, only two have skin left on them!)