Blacked Out

As you might know from previous things I have written on this blog, I strongly suspect that through some kind of black magic, Mitch is actually about 100 years old because most of his cultural references are from the 40s and 50s.  The other night during dinner I was dishing up some peas for Kira and our conversation went like this:

Me:  good?
Kira:  good.
Me:  more?
Kira:  more.
(give her another scoop)
Me: good?
Kira: good.
Me: more?
Kira: more.
(another scoop)
Me: good?
Kira: good.
Me: enough?
Kira: enough.

And then Mitch said, "You two just acted out a scene from Chilly Willy the penguin."  I never watched Chilly Willy because I suspect it was broadcast about seventy years ago and I'm only 41.  So this morning I thought about it and wanted to see when it was made so I could give him a hard time about it, and I loaded up good old Google and saw this:

What?  What's going on? Then I went to Wikipedia and saw this:

Holy crap.  How am I going to find out about Chilly Willy???  I need evidence to back up my continued harassment of my husband!  Come ON, internet!  Help a girl out!  Then I thought, "Oh well." and heard on the radio that winter has finally descended upon us and we are going to have very cold weather this week so I thought, "I should order some firewood!" so I went to Craig's List and saw this:

Now things were starting to get serious.  Because of this internet problem, I could potentially become very cold and much stupider.  I had to learn what was going on.

I listened to a story about it on NPR and learned what it is all about.  The movie and music industries want a law passed to prevent piracy of their intellectual property.  Because gall-dangit, if you watch the movie Chipwrecked illegally on Youtube from a guy who filmed it in the theater and then posted it in ten minute chunks on Youtube for no apparent reason other than the love of Alvin and his brothers, then you should probably be in jail, along with the guy who covertly pirated the movie, and the people on Youtube who let it be posted.  If you want to learn about Chilly Willy the penguin and maybe watch a video of it so you can more thoroughly make fun of your husband; well, you better make sure that that's a legally bought and paid-for copy you are watching OR ELSE!  If the piracy law was in effect I would probably be considered a pirate because I cut and pasted the above images!  If I can't lift images off the internet how am I supposed to write about dickies, or animal hybrids, or Jewish frogs?

Nevermind that I've had to re-buy Sweet's Ballroom Blitz every time it comes out on a new medium and renders my copies obsolete.  Nevermind that we are on our third copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone DVD because it gets watched so much and wears out.  I, along with everyone else, pay for the movies and music we like over and over.  So now because of the internet the playing field is leveling out and the movie and music industries have lobbyists to do their whining for them.   Don't let the congress limit our access to information over the internet.  It's none of their business.  Write to your congressman and let them know you don't want internet censorship.

And btw, does anyone out there have any info on Chilly Willy for me?

Just Because I Can (not a Conway Twitty song)(I don't think)

Guess what?  I HAVE INTERNET AGAIN!  The reasons why we were without it for so long are boring and confusing, let's just say that my husband is a GENIUS and now we have it again!

Let's see, what information have I been holding in that I've not been able to spew without planning for an outing to the library or a coffee shop?...  Well, now that I have all the freedom and comfort and convenience in the world, I don't really have anything important to say.  How about a little live-blogging:  Mitch just told me he has a Conway Twitty cassette tape somewhere.

Mitch says he likes Conway because he's the "whole package," meaning that he's got the dancing, the hair, the wonderful lyrics that make uncomfortable allusions to date-rape.  Who wouldn't love him?  Probably all of his muses.  No means no, Conway.

Remember the frog I told you about that I found in the bathroom, and then lost a few days later somewhere in the house, and then found again in the bathroom?  Well, I lost him again.  I suspect he's somewhere in the bathroom.  He's a wily little fella.  I wish he'd come back because I really enjoy feeding him flies.  Now when I see a fly I think to myself, "Wow, look at that fly, it's so fat!  I bet the frog would love it!"

I'm taking a trip with my kids next week to Washington DC to see all the sights and stuff my kids' brains with knowledge and experience.  I am SO GLAD the stupid government didn't shut down or I don't know what we would have done.  Probably protested at the capitol, and what's more fun that standing around all day with your mother and 10,000 angry strangers yelling at a building?  Most things.  The kids don't know how lucky they are.  

That's it until the next inane thought pops into my head!

The Dark Ages

I have been without wifi at home for over a week now.  How did I ever live without the internet?  What kind of existence did I have if I couldn't find out within minutes what the R. in Edward R. Murrow stands for (Rocky), if cabbits are a real thing or if Mitch was just lying to me again (lying), or what is the meanest animal in the animal kingdom (honey badgers)?  I had vivid dreams last night about looking out at our wifi receiver thingy and seeing five red lights indicating that not only do we have internet, but we have super fast internet, but when I jumped out of bed to look to see if it was real, I saw that it wasn't.  I am doomed to another day of ignorance and hardship. 

Last time I had internet access I had a list of things I had to look up.  For one thing, I had to find out what kind of frog I found in my bathroom, and how to take care of it and feed it.  Can you believe that 15 or 20 years ago people who found frogs in their bathroom would have to go to the library and find a book about frogs?  And failing that, they would have to talk to strangers who might know more about frogs than they do.  TALK TO STRANGERS!  Ugh!  Just kidding.  I like talking to strangers as much as I like talking to anyone.  Especially people I will never see again.  That way there's no pressure to be on your best behavior or to try to be normal, and without the pressure it is, ironically, a lot easier to be normal.  Weird. 

Anyway, I took excellent care of the frog and he was eating the live flies I caught for him, and I think he also ate the centipede I found.  He was looking fat and moist and happy, and then one morning I looked in his home and he was gone.  He escaped.  I crawled around on my knees looking for him for a while, but I didn't find him.  He's gone.  Now I realize that I have given you the impression that my house is full of flies (dead and alive), centipedes, frogs and god knows what else.  I can just imagine the pictures you have in your head of my life style and living space.  I can't deny that yes, I do, apparently live among flies (alive and dead), centipedes, the occasional frog among other things; but despite experiencing at least four of the ten biblical plagues while sitting in my living room, it is quite pleasant and comfortable.  This is rural life, people!  We live with the wild life and without the internet!  I am exactly like Laura Ingalls Wilder.  I'm going to start telling people Mitch's real name is Manly.  (Remember?  Laura was married to Almonzo "Manly" Wilder?) 

Oh, Manly!

I am "working" right now for a social studies teacher that has all AP classes and one yearbook class.  It is so easy which almost balances out the days that I have to teach kindergarten or have to babysit ninth graders.  Almost.  In her instructions for her yearbook class she wrote, "Just have them do whatever."  OKAY!  I can definitely have them do "whatever" especially if "whatever" includes making them give me foot rubs and getting me candy from the vending machines.

Internet sensation

I think internet addiction is the form my mid-life crisis is taking.  It's so easy and fun!  Just push a few buttons (which is fun in itself) and beep boop beep!: Facebook. I can cyber-spy on everyone I've ever known since preschool.   Push a few more buttons and there's my Farmville cyberfarm.  If I spent half the time doing actual yardwork instead of cyberfarming, my actual yard would be virtually dog-poop free.  (No, not virtually poop-free, that was a mistake, I mean actually poop-free.  My farmville farm is always virtually poop free because my cyber-livestock doesn't poop.  Or eat.  Or move around much.  But I have to collect their hair about every other day.)

And then there is this blog which is not quite as big a waste of time as cyberfarming because it's making me famous.  I'm all over Google.  Just type in "Carlton County Chicken Swap" and guess whose site pops up first?

Yeah, that's right...

People all over the world are googling things like the chicken swap and Dr. Quinn, wanting real information and instead they are getting my silly blog.  HA HA!  So that's not a waste of time.  I just hope that if I ever apply for another job (Mitch, I WILL!  I said I would, I will, okay?) they don't have the wherewithal to use Google to look me up, because they would find me and it might not be very job-getty for me.

Lately I've been on my way to reading every single list on McSweeney's blog.  (It's taking a while.)  I also like LOLcats because who wouldn't?  Funny pictures of cats with silly captions.  Genius!  I have about a hundred blogs that I read on Google reader (not really a hundred), and I look up every word or concept I'm not sure about on dictionary.com or Wikipedia or IMDB.   Sometimes I also use Urbandictionary as a reference, but they don't really give reliable information. Only use it if you need to find out the meaning of the latest offensive slang you hear at school or on TV but don't want to look dorky by saying, "So what's a 'rusty trombone' anyway?" (DO NOT look up rusty trombone  YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Just be happy knowing it does not refer to a neglected brass instrument.)  Urbandictionary was helpful once when watching 30 Rock and Frank suggested they name the newest model of General Electric microwave a "Hot Carl."  Again, DO NOT LOOK IT UP.  Believe me, usually the names are funnier if you don't know what they mean.*

I wish there was something productive I could do while also being on the internet.  I wish my cyberfarm could feed the world.  Or I wish I could get paid lots of money for being on Facebook.  Are there any jobs like that?

What are your favorite internet activities? (non-porn categories only, please)

*(I told you not to look them up.  It's your fault.  Curiosity killed the LOLcat.) (ha ha, good one)