Thursday, August 10, 2017


Hello again.  I'm 46 years old and will be 47 next month.  It's natural and normal for me to go through menopause, right?  Natural and normal.  Healthy even.  This may be natural, and it may even be normal, but it sure as heck doesn't feel healthy.  I looked it up on Google and here are some images:

Image result for menopause

What is healthy about that?  How is a person supposed to function with all this shit going on?  I'm so IRRITABLE!

I was looking for some suggestions on relief and researched what is actually happening to my body while this is going on and I came across this graphic:

Image result for menopause

Notice that in the younger reproductive system the ovaries are pinkish and in the older reproductive system the ovaries are GRAY.  Why?  They don't have to color them gray!  The only other change I see in the graphic is that the uterus is opening up like "Hey, what the hell, why not.  Bring it."

An irrationally irritable person doesn't need to see gray ovaries when searching for relief. It tends to make her more irritable.

This is all compounded by the story about the 28-year-old Google engineer who sent a company memo outlining all the ways that women are "different" than (read: inferior to)  men, and that accounts for women not being in leadership roles in technology.  A 28-year-old doofus writes a memo that ironically displays his prejudice and privilege, mansplaining the gender gap in technical jobs.  He says women can't handle stress as well as men. Oh my god. Imagine reading this while trying to function as a regular person while also experiencing 70% of the symptoms in the top graphic AND having gray ovaries.  I feel like my body has been taken over by mean aliens, yet I'm still going through the motions of my life and my somewhat stressful job.  Imagine that!

I would like to take that tech misogynist and give him a virtual reality taste of menopause.  Put on the goggles, Google man!  Oh, sorry, former Google man.

First, let's take away the sense of well-being that keeps most people from seeing horror and danger everywhere they look.  That's foundational to the menopausal experience.

Next, let's add in bursts of adrenaline to give him some anxiety surges.  That's fun.  Don't like randomly crying in public for no reason whatsoever?  Too bad.

Then we'll add in an 8 out of 10 level of irritability just for walking around.  We'll ramp it up to a 10/10 when he hears someone chewing or sees a graphic of old gray balls.

Now for the physical symptoms:

First, let's give him a persistent but not debilitating headache.  Doesn't seem like much at first but by day three it will make him want to stab his eyes out.

Then we'll add in some joint and muscle aches.  Again, not debilitating, but compounded by everything else... man oh man is it annoying.

We can't forget to give him hot flashes.  That's a pretty well-known symptom of menopause, but compared to everything else it's a walk in the park.  Dress in layers, Google man.

Okay, now the pièce de résistance: how about some genital bleeding.  Let's make it unpredictable and persistent.  That goes really well with the first symptom of losing any sense of well-being and makes him constantly ask "Why is this 'normal'?  This is fucking HORRIFYING!"

So, let's look at the results of our experiment.  Hey Google man, why are you sobbing?  Get off the floor!  Go look for a job!  And pull yourself together; nobody wants to hire a hysterical mess.

1 comment:

  1. You're sharp as ever in your blog writing even while going through menopause! I don't know much on the subject unfortunately so I called my mum. She said to wear tank tops and watch grace and frankie on netflix. Because you're old now and thats all you can do. Hope you recognize my sarcasm and keep blogging because you're great at it. from jashhh, yo 24 year old white dude who dont know about menopause but i hope it goes great for you followaaaahhhh!


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