Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The Story

Okay, yesterday I told you about the daily torture my newly teenaged daughter puts me through.  In her own special way she lets me know that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER HER.  I have no control over her and it scares the crap out of me.

Yesterday as I was enjoying a Breaking Bad marathon while lounging on my bed she came in and said, "What are you doing?  Huh Friend?  What are you doing?  Let's do something together," and she climbed behind me and sort of sat me on her lap and held my arms down and petted me like a dog while talking to me in a southern accent and calling me her friend.  I couldn't move.  I was immobilized by the weirdness and her unbelievable physical strength.  I called Mitch to help me.  He came in and laughed.  Thanks for nothing Mitch!  Then he pushed her off of me (and it wasn't easy, I think I may have been overestimating his toughness for YEARS) and he held her down and told me to run.  All the while he was laughing because she was still talking in the southern accent and calling me "friend."

I ran.  She got away from him (I think he let her go) and caught me right outside her room and tussled me in and pulled me onto her lap on her bed and started holding my head and petting me again and calling me her friend.  It was so ridiculous and silly that I was beyond words.  Mitch came in and he was just as flabbergasted as me. Why is she like this?  We were both laughing because of the ridiculousness of the whole situation.  Mitch pulled her off the bed but then she was on the floor.  Without missing a beat she crabwalked backwards toward the door.  It was so creepy.  There is a very short little corridor just inside her bedroom door.  She was blocking the door.  Mitch looked at me and said, "Uh oh," and then Kira very gently shut the door, leaned her back against it, propped her arms and legs against the walls and said, "Well, Friends, here we are."  We were trapped.  We tried to each take a limb and drag her away from the door, but with whatever two limbs we could NOT grab, she would prop herself into the little corridor with the other two and she was IMPOSSIBLE to move.  We thought we might have to pop the screen out of the window and escape that way.  Every time we tried to be stern and parental with her, she would make us laugh.

Eventually Mitch said, "Okay, that's it." and he forced a foot between her and the door and then he sort of oozed down the door and displaced her enough to open the door.  It was horrifying to witness.  How can he make his body do that?  How did he KNOW he could make his body do that?  We escaped.  Finally.

So she is not only an unpredictable, weird, funny teenager who is out of our control, but now she is STRONGER THAN US AND KNOWS IT.  Help us.  Someone help us.

1 comment:

  1. Of course you know you deserve this.


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