I think I need to find a job. I'm really starting to hate subbing. For one thing, I think that all the laid-off teachers have started subbing and are getting all the decent jobs because when I do get called to sub, the job description is something like this:
Job # 12345 7:30-3:45
-Start at Central High for Mr. So-and-so. Teach 1st hour special ed. in resource room. (question: where the fuck is the resource room?) Teach 2nd hour Consumer Science (fancy name for home ec.) in room 153. (walking down hallway, see rooms 152, 154. There is no 153. After walking about a mile looking for it because it MUST BE by 152, learn that for some inexplicable reason it is on the second floor. ??? Oops! Clerical error! We meant 253! lol!) Walk in late, flustered and sweaty. Read lesson plans and learn that you have to supervise thirty-five 16-year-olds making flan. (what the fuck is flan?)
-Go to STC (Where the hell is that? Oh, it's across the 15 acre ice-rink parking lot? I wonder how many times I will fall.) Teach 3rd hour remedial math for Mrs. Whats-her-face in a freezing cold totally isolated classroom with 15 boys who look like they want to kill you and make your skin into a suit.
-Drive to East High School. Teach 5th and 6th hour for Mr. Blahblahblah in room 353. Yes, the school in fact does happen to be 95 degrees! How did you guess? BTW Mr. Blahblahblah is a slob and won't have any lesson plans for you. Good luck!
-Drive back to Central. Babysit an 8th hour study hall that has a student teacher. Sure, it's a total waste of time but what do you care? You're getting paid an almost poverty-level wage no matter what you teach so quit your bitching!
Or even worse:
Job # 23456 7:30 - 3:30
Any Elementary School: All day kindergarten.
(Actually, I taught in kindergarten yesterday and it wasn't so bad. The kids were very cute. I was wearing a red jacket and one little girl came up to me and said, "I like your jacket," and on the word "jacket" she poked me hard, dead-center in both boobs with her tiny monkey fingers.)
I think I want to find a job that pays a lot of money, has low expectations, is part-time, where I won't have to drive around all day or get sexually assaulted by small children. Is that too much to ask?
Job # 12345 7:30-3:45
-Start at Central High for Mr. So-and-so. Teach 1st hour special ed. in resource room. (question: where the fuck is the resource room?) Teach 2nd hour Consumer Science (fancy name for home ec.) in room 153. (walking down hallway, see rooms 152, 154. There is no 153. After walking about a mile looking for it because it MUST BE by 152, learn that for some inexplicable reason it is on the second floor. ??? Oops! Clerical error! We meant 253! lol!) Walk in late, flustered and sweaty. Read lesson plans and learn that you have to supervise thirty-five 16-year-olds making flan. (what the fuck is flan?)
-Go to STC (Where the hell is that? Oh, it's across the 15 acre ice-rink parking lot? I wonder how many times I will fall.) Teach 3rd hour remedial math for Mrs. Whats-her-face in a freezing cold totally isolated classroom with 15 boys who look like they want to kill you and make your skin into a suit.
-Drive to East High School. Teach 5th and 6th hour for Mr. Blahblahblah in room 353. Yes, the school in fact does happen to be 95 degrees! How did you guess? BTW Mr. Blahblahblah is a slob and won't have any lesson plans for you. Good luck!
-Drive back to Central. Babysit an 8th hour study hall that has a student teacher. Sure, it's a total waste of time but what do you care? You're getting paid an almost poverty-level wage no matter what you teach so quit your bitching!
Or even worse:
Job # 23456 7:30 - 3:30
Any Elementary School: All day kindergarten.
(Actually, I taught in kindergarten yesterday and it wasn't so bad. The kids were very cute. I was wearing a red jacket and one little girl came up to me and said, "I like your jacket," and on the word "jacket" she poked me hard, dead-center in both boobs with her tiny monkey fingers.)
I think I want to find a job that pays a lot of money, has low expectations, is part-time, where I won't have to drive around all day or get sexually assaulted by small children. Is that too much to ask?
I'm going to start doing that -- saying "I like your (whatever article of clothing)" then poking the person in a private area. I've been looking for a signature move...
ReplyDeleteLOL! I totally think you should do that. And I want to know how it works out for you.
ReplyDeleteI love this. As a former teacher who was seldom out sick, but left meticulous plans for my sub, you have my symmpathy. I know not many teachers bothered!
ReplyDeleteLittle girl would have gotten smacked for poking me in the boob and then I would have lost my job. It would have been worth it.
ReplyDeleteI have said before, God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteYes, it's too much to ask. And I know since I subbed for over a year only to get a full-time teaching job like I wished for. Now I'm wishing for some divine intervention to be magically released from this job so I can be a daily sub again.
ReplyDeleteDon't wear that jacket to another kindergarten class. I bet it will happen every time.
It's NOT too much to ask. Oh, I was almost crying reading this. I used to sub.
ReplyDeleteIn Cromwell/Wright School District.
Need I say more???
Teachers are saints.
Subs are saints with a target on their foreheads.
Neither gets paid anywhere near enough. Have you considered waitressing? At least you get a tip after being sexually assaulted!!!
omg. i wee'd my pants over the little girl who liked your jacket.
ReplyDeletei knew exactly where you were going as soon as i read "remedial math".
ReplyDeleteWhen you find that high paying, low effort part time job, please see if there's another opening for me?
ReplyDeleteAhhhh Sarah, I tell ya, subbing is hard-ass-underpaid-work.
ReplyDeleteI get so anxious in unknown situations, just trying to find the room would have me rocking in the fetal position on the floor.
Good for you. And totes call me when you find the other kind of job.
p.s. I am totally buying a red jacket so hopefully someone will touch MY boobs. ;-)
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Yikes.
ReplyDeleteIf you decided to work for TSA I hear you would get to sexually assault OTHER people.
ReplyDelete