Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I'm being terrorized in my own home

No, Mitch is not beating me (much), I'm being terrorized by a BEAR!  If you didn't know it, bears are on my list of things I'm afraid of.  Yesterday I washed the hummingbird feeders and filled up the rest of my feeders with fresh super-deluxe black oil sunflower seeds.  (nothing but the best for my birds!)  I woke up this morning to bird-feeder carnage:

Look, teeth marks! From teeth like this: 

And the giant asshole didn't even eat the thistle seeds that were in that feeder.  It was just senseless violence.  Thanks a lot, asshole!  Thistle seed isn't exactly cheap, you know!

Then I looked around the yard and saw more carnage:

Bird World never had a chance.  It was hanging in a tree on a cute little iron hanger that I got from the dollar store.  I can't find the hanger anywhere, but does the bear care about that?  Nooooooooo!

This cheap plastic feeder never saw it coming.  It was already brittle from the sun.  The stupid bear shattered it into a million pieces.  I hope he got little cuts in his mouth like I get when I eat Doritos. 

For some reason he missed this one.  It's my favorite one because the stupid squirrels can't get any seeds from it.  Ha Ha, you stupid bear!  (and a continuing "ha ha" for you too, you stupid squirrels!)

Unfortunately I can't go outside anymore because now that the bear knows there is food around here, I know he's out there waiting, like this:

He might look sophisticated, but given the chance, he would eat my head. 

I'm not even kidding.  They go after the head presumably because they like brains.  Like zombies.  Still think they are adorable? 

Well, let's not forget what a dick Winnie the Pooh really is.  And he's fictional!  Even fictional bears are jerks.  Hey, how's this for adorable:

Horrifying bloody gore and oh, look who happens to be responsible for it!  A BEAR! Surprise, surprise!  People don't take bears seriously enough.  Bear attacks are nothing to make light of.

Oh, lady, you're so funny pretending a giant grizzly bear is eating YOUR BABY.  You wouldn't be laughing so hard if there really was a bear around because he really would eat your baby's delicious chubby little legs.  He'd make you watch and then he'd chew on your head for a while which would be perfectly seasoned from your salty tears.  Still laughing?!

Holy shit, he's looking at me now!  Somebody call animal control!


  1. Disturbingly hilarious. Do you really think it was a BEAR?

  2. I would never leave the house again. You think I'm kidding? Bears terrify me. Be careful.

  3. Look at that baby's FACE!! He's going to be scared of bears for the rest of his life. Thanks, Mom!!

  4. O.M.G. I have told my family that I am going out by the hands of a bear and they insist that I am crazy!!! We are going to have a family meeting and discuss your post!

  5. You are adorable!!!! LOL

  6. Caption for pic number six: "This bear has no friends."


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