I think internet addiction is the form my mid-life crisis is taking. It's so easy and fun! Just push a few buttons (which is fun in itself) and beep boop beep!: Facebook. I can cyber-spy on everyone I've ever known since preschool. Push a few more buttons and there's my Farmville cyberfarm. If I spent half the time doing actual yardwork instead of cyberfarming, my actual yard would be virtually dog-poop free. (No, not virtually poop-free, that was a mistake, I mean actually poop-free. My farmville farm is always virtually poop free because my cyber-livestock doesn't poop. Or eat. Or move around much. But I have to collect their hair about every other day.)
And then there is this blog which is not quite as big a waste of time as cyberfarming because it's making me famous. I'm all over Google. Just type in "Carlton County Chicken Swap" and guess whose site pops up first?
People all over the world are googling things like the chicken swap and Dr. Quinn, wanting real information and instead they are getting my silly blog. HA HA! So that's not a waste of time. I just hope that if I ever apply for another job (Mitch, I WILL! I said I would, I will, okay?) they don't have the wherewithal to use Google to look me up, because they would find me and it might not be very job-getty for me.
Lately I've been on my way to reading every single list on McSweeney's blog. (It's taking a while.) I also like LOLcats because who wouldn't? Funny pictures of cats with silly captions. Genius! I have about a hundred blogs that I read on Google reader (not really a hundred), and I look up every word or concept I'm not sure about on dictionary.com or Wikipedia or IMDB. Sometimes I also use Urbandictionary as a reference, but they don't really give reliable information. Only use it if you need to find out the meaning of the latest offensive slang you hear at school or on TV but don't want to look dorky by saying, "So what's a 'rusty trombone' anyway?" (DO NOT look up rusty trombone YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Just be happy knowing it does not refer to a neglected brass instrument.) Urbandictionary was helpful once when watching 30 Rock and Frank suggested they name the newest model of General Electric microwave a "Hot Carl." Again, DO NOT LOOK IT UP. Believe me, usually the names are funnier if you don't know what they mean.*
I wish there was something productive I could do while also being on the internet. I wish my cyberfarm could feed the world. Or I wish I could get paid lots of money for being on Facebook. Are there any jobs like that?
What are your favorite internet activities? (non-porn categories only, please)
*(I told you not to look them up. It's your fault. Curiosity killed the LOLcat.) (ha ha, good one)