Saturday, November 7, 2009

I'm a computer genius now

My computer was acting really strange. The mouse pad wouldn't work, and then it was really slow and so on and so forth. I figured I must have a virus. This was easy to figure out since a few months ago I deleted all my security software. (I don't know why I did it now. I'm sure there was a good reason.)

So for the past several days I've been trying to find the virus and delete it. I think I might have finally done it. I downloaded a scrub software (it's probably just another virus-filled program that's going to cause me to have my identity stolen) and when I ran it, it said that I had a "trojan horse," and that it was now deleted. I said to myself, "WTF can this possibly have to do with Virgil and the Aeneid?" (I'm an English major, after all.)(Did you know that?) In this instance a trojan horse, or simply a *trojan* is a piece of malware (see all I've learned?) that a hacker uses to access my computer files by pretending to be something I want. (It's probably that stupid Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman wallpaper.)

Why would a hacker want to access my computer files? I think I figured it out. I think my computer was being used as a part of a botnet used by terrorists or Koreans. For a short time my computer was being used as a zombie computer (brains...BRAINS!) for some evil plot which I will probably eventually be arrested for. But no more! I fixed it and I got new security software. I mostly did this by sitting at my computer in total frustration for hours and hours and pushing buttons and deleting programs that I'm sure I probably need, and hinting to Mitch that this would probably be much easier for him to do for me. (A hint he never took.) Hopefully this is the end of the troubles.

While sitting in frustration I wrote some haiku poems about my experience. I wrote this one about three hours into my ordeal:

My Dell's infected
Wait! I think I can fix it!
nope, still broken, fuck.

I call this one "Day 2"

What the fuck is wrong?
Goddamn fucking piece of shit
fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!

(I find an English degree to be so handy in real-life problem solving situations.)

1 comment:

  1. My computer is
    still broken. I'm buying a
    new one. Now, I must choose one...


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