Monday, November 9, 2009

You will not believe what I saw today...

I was driving to Sam's Club, in a bad mood because I hate Sam's Club and also because I wish I was working instead of grocery shopping, and I stopped at a stoplight. I happened to glance over at the car next to me and I noticed the driver. He was a fat, middle aged man and he was moving in jerky movements. I thought maybe he was having a seizure, but then I looked a little closer and I realized that he was masturbating. This man was *fisting his mister* (I looked up euphemisms specifically for this blog post to "spice it up" a little, and I found an entire glossary that is making me crack up), and I was so shocked:

that I was seeing someone *cuff the governor* in his car, in traffic, in the bright sunshiny morning, that when the light turned green neither one of us went. Someone behind us honked and I wanted to tell them that I had a perfectly good reason not to go, as an unassuming-looking man in the blue mini-van next to us was *juggling the javelin* for heaven's sake!

Upon closer inspection I saw that he had a picture or something on a piece of paper smashed against his steering wheel that he was staring at intently while he *interrogated the witness*. I couldn't see what was on the paper, but it sure looked like it must have been interesting, interesting enough to *groom his junior* right there, right then.

Finally, I gave in to the peer pressure of the honkers behind us and went, leaving Mr. Blue Mini-van to *take a core sample* and hold up a lane of traffic. What I don't understand, and what still baffles me: is that the urge to *thread the needle* couldn't wait until he at least got into a parking lot. And this must have taken some planning, because he had materials. Or maybe he got the materials and couldn't wait. I don't really want to know.

Anyhoo, That's my story for today. If I was working, I would have never even known it happened. Thank goodness I had the day off, I mean: *had the day off*! (see, anything can be a euphemism) Enjoy!


  1. You really missed a lot of good euphamisms here, but I tip my hat to your effort. Nothing to be ashamed of; it takes a lifetime to accumulate a decent catalog from which to draw, seemingly effortlessly, at the opportune moment.
    Anyway, what you experienced is apparently not an unusual phenomenon. I did a little quick Google work and it turns out there's a lot of guys *slapping the snot out of old baldy* in their cars, but a significant (and growing) segment of the ladies *having a date with Palmella Handerson* on the highways as well.
    Who knew? Then again, who would have guessed wife swapping and group action was big in the town of our youth? It's a weird world.

  2. I'm dying here...pain in my sides from laughing. Thank you for that.


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