Hell

 The Sassy Curmudgeon has a feature on her blog called Curmudgeon of the Week.  One of the questions she asks her curmudgeons is this: 

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?

I am not the curmudgeon of the week, but I thought long and hard about this question and I do have an answer.  Here it is:  

1. I discover I am riding in an elevator with Mario Lopez.

2. The elevator I'm in with Mario Lopez shudders to a halt and we are stuck.

Mario Lopez

 
3. After being stuck in an elevator with Mario Lopez for an hour that seems like a hundred years, we (thank-the-lord) start moving again. We reach a floor that is not the floor I want. It is a gym class and I'm supposed to teach it.

4. In the gym class I'm supposed to teach on the floor I don't want to be on, with Mario Lopez, I discover that we are supposed to be playing Dodgeball and Mario gets things going by rifling a ball at my head, and then smiles his irritating, tongue-displaying smile and laughs at me.

5. Now I'm in court for murdering Mario Lopez with my bare hands in front of a classroom full of children, and what I thought was a fool-proof defense (it was a public service), doesn't pan out because my jury is comprised of a bunch of eighties teen girls with Saved By The Bell t-shirts and lisps.

6. My punishment for murder is to take the Saved By The Bell (SBTB) girls on a series of plane trips during wind storms and when we board we discover that SURPRISE! Mario Lopez isn't really dead, he's the flight attendant. Must endure horrifying take-offs and landings in hurricane-like winds, listening to the SBTB girls scream with lispy excitement about having Mario Lopez as their flight attendant.

7. Mario Lopez is pushing the drink cart down the aisle and I have to pee super bad but I can't because the fucking drink cart is in the way. When Mario and the drink cart finally get to my seat there is no Diet Coke. In fact, no one has ever heard of Diet Coke!!!!!!!

8. The plane I'm on with Mario Lopez and the SBTB girls crashes in a horrific LOST-like scenario, but we are not in the tropics, we are on the Island of Misfit Toys from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and it's cold and THOSE TOYS ARE FREAKING ME OUT!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

9. While the freaky toy-rejects and the SBTB girls are all fawning over Mario Lopez and making him their leader, we hear an obnoxious voice shouting through a bull-horn. It's Ty Pennington. He lives there too and he tells us we are the only survivors of the entire human race and it's up to me and Mario and Ty to keep humanity alive by reproducing because all the SBTB girls are sterile. Must listen to SBTB girls lispy sobs while Ty Pennington screams through the bullhorn “Let's get it on!”