Happy Thanksgiving! I'm sitting here with my sisters and dad talking about Dolph Lundgren and his relative hotness (I think he's not, my sisters think he is, my dad says "he doesn't really think about that.") and discussing whether my dad has ADHD. (We all think he does) I don't really know where my kids are. I think they are outside somewhere probably buried in 40 feet of snow. I hope they are okay. I will be very thankful if they are okay. We are having a late dinner because of work schedules and I haven't eaten anything all day long (except for a giant breakfast) and I am getting HUNGRY. I also think I might be having a heart attack. Or heart burn. But how could I have heart burn if I haven't even eaten anything? (except a giant breakfast) I bet beer will help. Also, my foot is asleep and it's annoying me. It's my left foot. Isn't that a sign of a heart attack? Uh oh. I have to go to Webmd.com. BRB.
Good news, according to Webmd, a sleeping left foot is not a sign of a heart attack, so I am free to sit around and eat my weight in stuffing with no life-threatening consequences! Yay! Kira just asked me, "Do you think if I threw Amy's dog in the fire, it would stink?" I think maybe I have to look into some counseling for my sweet little angel. Between her potential horrifying animal abuse and her milk farts ("Oh my god! I farted and smells just like milk!") she's both getting on my nerves, and causing some serious worry. Be back after dinner.
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Good news, according to Webmd, a sleeping left foot is not a sign of a heart attack, so I am free to sit around and eat my weight in stuffing with no life-threatening consequences! Yay! Kira just asked me, "Do you think if I threw Amy's dog in the fire, it would stink?" I think maybe I have to look into some counseling for my sweet little angel. Between her potential horrifying animal abuse and her milk farts ("Oh my god! I farted and smells just like milk!") she's both getting on my nerves, and causing some serious worry. Be back after dinner.
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Okay, dinner is over. Everything was delicious, as usual; and the company was great. We had champagne and Beth (who is six months pregnant) wanted a glass and wavered on whether to have a small one or not. My mom and her friend said, "No! You can't! What about FAS?" and were indignant until they were reminded about how much they smoked and drank during pregnancy in the 60s and 70s. They said, "Well, we didn't know about it back then!" and then looked at all of us like they were seeing us for the first time, inspecting us for small head size and short attention spans. To their relief we all have enormous heads so whew, that's one bullet dodged! Score one for drinking during pregnancy! Beth decided that a few sips of wine would be okay considering all the mouthwash she "accidentally" ingests.
Then we got in an argument about why the Kardashian's are famous. Amy said it's because their father was one of O.J. Simpson's lawyers and the rest of us were all, "Yeah, right! Bruce Jenner was not O.J. Simpson's lawyer!" and she tried to tell us that he's not really their father, but please, we've seen the show! How dumb does she think we are? Whether Bruce Jenner is a world-class athlete as well as a cracker-jack defense lawyer still does not answer the question about why the Kardashian's are so famous.
And then Beth told us a delightful story about how she had to go to the bathroom really bad while she was on the road with her toddler and she couldn't hold it so she had to stop at a gas station. She, of course, had to bring the baby in the bathroom stall with her because leaving toddlers in running vehicles right next to the highway is a no-no (apparently). She tried her best not to let the baby touch anything because gas station bathrooms = blech. She was pretty successful until she flushed and it was one of those super loud powerful flushers and it scared the crap out of the baby who jumped, screamed, and fell; smearing herself against every gas-station-bathroom surface she could on her way down and the whole catastrophe culminated with the poor scared baby spitting her binky out and it skittered across the disgusting floor, and then she screamed even more when Beth wouldn't let her put the gross binky back in her mouth. Fun times! I also watched Beth change a diaper that made her gag THREE TIMES. I thought she was going to puke on her baby. Oh my god! I want to get pregnant again RIGHT NOW!
But seriously, I'm thankful I'm not pregnant, and that my kids are old enough to leave alone while I use the bathroom by myself. Really, super thankful.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I'm going into a tryptophan/wine coma now for the next 24 hours or so!
My mother told me once that she started smoking the same month she found out she was pregnant with me. I've never been quite sure why she shared this sad little memory. Yeah. At least she wasn't a drinker (or maybe that story will be shared someday too).
ReplyDeleteP.S. Your post was hilarious.
ReplyDeleteHope you had a great thanksgiving. Kardashians are famous because Kim made a sex tape with Brandy's brother and it leaked. When it leaked, people looked at it and said - "That chick has an intriguingly large booty." Then, she dated Nick Lachey hot off his split with Jessica Simpson. Again, that ass was in the news. If she was a daughter of OJ's lawyer/stepdaughter of an olympian with an aveage sized donk, you wouldn't have ever had to have that particular Thanksgiving conversation.
ReplyDeleteWho are the Kardashians and why do I care?
ReplyDeleteIt's the ass implants and an ambitious publicist. Plus don't those K's sleep with sports teams? I think that usually keeps fame whores in OK and People, etc.
ReplyDeletePost is pretty funny. An old neighbor of mine told her son that she drank 11 martinis while bowling the night her water broke. Of course in the 60's. Adults at that time were pretty serious about their booze and smoking and most likely lots of valium while pregnant.
Cynthia
Dolph Lundgren, in his "He-Man Masters of the Universe" days, was gorgeo-licious. This can not be disputed! Come on, he's SWEDISH for crikey's sake! And Universal Soldier?! A rock-hard, sneering, brooding, blonde, 6-foot-plus, (did I mention rock-hard?), vessel of death?! OMG. Kill me now. I won't tell you how often I watch Universal Soldier, just to get my Dolph fix.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the Kardashians are famous (if famous is measured by how many trash mags you grace the covers of...) because every member of that family is one big train-wreck, and this bizarre country sucks up that crap like wine at Thanksgiving. Yeah, dead Daddy was OJ's lawyer. SCANDALOUS! Mama's a super-cougar, step-daddy Bruce is the former Olympian addicted to plastic surgery, Kim has an ass the size of Armenia... A. WHO wants to be recognized because of the gargantuan size of their ass?! And B. Who cares that she's Armenian, and why won't she just shut up about it?! Khloe and Kourtney are both sad hangers-on with babies and ass-wipe men. I think Khloe is the Amazonian sister, whom the press has decided is clearly NOT a product of her Mama and dead Daddy (SCANDALOUS!), not only because she's seven feet tall, but also because she barely generates ratings and doesn't look ARMENIAN, like the rest of the clan. Kourtney is married to that sleazebag Scott Dick-something, who is attempting to squeeze his 15 minutes of fame directly out of Kourtney's ass. The only thing I feel sorry for in that whole ridiculous mess of a family is the babies, who were obviously conceived to boost ratings, and that they did.
Glad your Turkey Day was fab! Ours is today. We're not apathetic about it, just not tied to the conventions of that tiny annoyance called a "calendar." I'll be getting my wine on in a few hours, as soon as my fam launches into our yearly debate of sex/religion/politics and the Meaning of Life.
Beth's story will be my birth control for the entire month!!!
ReplyDeleteOH Beth...You should have thrown that baby in the garbage can. Get a new baby.
ReplyDeleteKady..SOMEONE was suppose to pick me up another baby in Central America...look in your backpack.
ReplyDelete