Friday, June 29, 2012

Sam is a Driver

Today was Sam's last day of driver's ed.  He has gone through 30 hours of classroom training.  For every hour he has had, he has also had a lesson for me about what I am doing wrong while driving.  Yesterday he told me, "Mom, you're in that semi's 'no zone'." The day before he told me how mangled my arms could get if I insist on keeping my hands at 10 and 2 like I was taught.  He said, "Back when you learned to drive, air bags weren't invented.  If you keep your hands there the airbag will break both your arms." Also, apparently you shouldn't ever have your thumbs on the inside of the wheel because they could get snapped off in an accident.   According to Sam's stories, driver's ed was mostly a series of car commercials and gory movies about teenagers and car wrecks.  The climax of which was watching Red Asphalt III earlier this week and Sam said it should have been called brain-covered asphalt.  Gross.

I think Sam's driver's ed teacher must be the world's worst driver based on all of her personal anecdotes about the horrific accidents she's been in.  Sam told me one day that if I get too close to big trucks on a motorcycle, I could get sucked under it.  Like the good mother I am I said, "Shut up! You can not!" and he said, "Yes.  It happened to my teacher." Another time he told me that you can't open the doors in a vehicle sinking in the water until it is completely filled with water.  I said, "I don't know if I believe that," and he said, "Yes. It happened to my teacher."  Sam also said that his teacher killed someone before.  I said, "Oh my god, what happened?"  He said, "Road rage," which makes me think she is teaching the class as part of some court ordered community service.  Or Sam's full of beans.

Through all he learned about "no zones," and the fragility of thumbs, and catastrophic head injuries, he never had one lesson on what I've found to be the best driving lesson:  What to do if there is a bee in the car.  I  have had more near-accidents because I was screaming about a bee (or some other gross bug) in the car I can't even tell you.  I had to learn the hard way how important it is to keep my hands on the wheel and my feet on the pedals and to keep my eyes open.  If it was up to me, when the kids took the behind-the-wheel test, I wouldn't bother with the parallel parking.  I'd just throw a bee in the car and see how they react.  If they spaz out: fail.  If they keep their cool: pass.  Easy.


  1. Good one! I agree, the bug in the car is the ultimate test!

  2. Hello, lovely!

    We are walking in the same shoes.

    Yes. My mind, horrified at every danger that looms ahead in unmarked intersections.

    What am I going to do. I thought the worrying would stop once the unsupervised bike trips were done.

    Now...this is a whole nother level of nailbiting sessions.

  3. OMG! that would be the ultimate test. I freak out if a bee gets near me. But for those who fail there should be another course you have to take where they show you how to safely pull over, quickly grab your babies from car seats, before you start freaking out, running around doing the oh my god, its a bee, dance. Seriously, i'm pretty sure shoulders were made for roads just because of bees.

  4. One time while in the middle of a 5 hour road trip, a giant fucking mega monster furry black-ass steroid spider made a special appearance on the inside of my door. I swerved so hard, I nearly drove right off the highway.

    I ended up exiting and pulling into the nearest gas station and asking a complete stranger to kill a spider in my car. I'm sure it was a lot cooler in real life.


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