Monday, August 6, 2012


I want to get a new job.  Not that substitute teaching, which means every day going in to a strange classroom cold, with a bunch of strange kids who are sometimes really mean to me, and getting paid a pittance with no benefits or retirement plan isn't a sweet job, but I guess I'm getting kind of sick of it.  I actually do like it most of the time, and I was hoping to use it as a way to get my foot in the door of a bunch of school districts who are not hiring, and are, in fact laying off more teachers every year.  It's time to give up the dream, I guess.  So I've been applying for new jobs.  I applied for a bunch at the University of Minnesota.  Everything from receptionist to adjunct professor in the philosophy department (whatever that is LOL!)  Just kidding.  I didn't apply to be a professor.  Turns out that despite earning a Bachelor's Degree, I'm not qualified to do much.  I really painted myself into a corner when I majored in English.  I'd like to go back and slap college me.

I've been a little anxious about the whole thing because I don't have an "interview outfit."  I wear basically the same thing every single day and it isn't interview-worthy.  So yesterday I went shopping.  Man, shopping sucks.  I looked at literally tons of clothes and hated 99.9999999% of them.  I wanted to get a blazer/jacket type thing, a blouse and maybe a skirt or a pair of dress pants.  That should be easy huh?  Pretty classic pieces, shouldn't be hard to find.  I found a jacket that I really like a lot.  It wasn't easy.  Then I had to get a shirt to go under it and a skirt.  Skirts, I found come in a few varieties:  Cindy-Lauper-from-the-eighties style, Mrs. Doubtfire style, Janice Joplin style, or the classic street-prostitute style.  None of which, I am exactly crazy about.   For one thing, I hate the idea of skirts because all it would take is one quick tug from anyone, and boom! I'd be half naked.  I'm not crazy about that.  I need it to be cute, long enough to not accidentally flash my nethers to the world, but not so long that I look shorter and dumpier than I actually am.

I was about to give up when I decided to go to Sears.  I HATE Sears so I wasn't expecting to find much.  I was flipping through the clearance rack and I saw a black skirt.  Okay, right color.  It was the right size.  Okay... So I tried it on.  It fit me like it was made for me and the best thing of all - it's not a skirt after all, it's a skort.  I have pants on in secret, but it looks like I'm wearing a skirt!  I love that.  AND it has four pockets!  I realize that I'm not making this skirt sound exactly stylish, but it's a black skirt (skort) that is not too short, not too long.  That's all I require.  The undershorts and pockets are just icing on the cake.  I don't need it to be haute couture.  I just need it to be a skirt, be black, and cover my butt when I go on a job interview.

I also looked around for a blouse.  I usually wear solid-colored ladies t-shirts.  I figured if push comes to shove, I could just wear one of those under my jacket, but I wanted something a little more fashionable.  Why are all ladies blouses these days made of gauze?  Seriously, there is nothing to them.  They are not made of textiles so much as they are made of spider webs.  Most of them are flimsy and transparent.  Who wants to wear that?  I tried on one and it was sort of fitted with strange gathers on the sides and in the front.  The seams on the side went in an arc toward the front which just made me look like a pregnant 41 year old, and right in the center, between boobs and belly button there was a stitch gathering all the front material together.  What?  Who made that and thought it was a good idea?  It's not like I'm picky, I just want to look somewhat nice and not be naked.  I require full-coverage, and the clean lines that a skort full of pockets can provide.

I'm just going to wear a neck brace and Hello Kitty bandaids on my nipples under my new blazer.  That's the direction women's fashion is going anyway with the bandage dresses and guaze blouses.  It's first aid couture.  The fashion industry thinks we want to convey this message to the world: "I'm sexy, I'm injured and I'm practically naked... uuuuuuhhhhhhh baby.... come and get me!" I might as well be on the cutting edge.  


  1. I hate gathers and asymmetry and cheap fabrics with the white-hot intensity of a million suns.
    My advice: Land's End

  2. We definitely need pictures of this outfit!


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