Thursday, August 30, 2012


There was a brief period in my life when I was a sleepwalker.  It was when I was a waitress in college.  I would have vivid stress dreams of getting the food out to the right people and not dropping it, and that I couldn't find the waitress station.  In my dream I knew it was somewhere between our living room and our kitchen, but I couldn't find it.  Turns out I was wandering around my parent's house all night long.  I know it because at one point I had to get something out of the oven so I got a hot pad from the top drawer of my dresser and in the morning I found a pair of my clean underwear on the breadboard next to the oven in the kitchen.  I suspect that I've sleepwalked other times too, in fact, I suspect I was sleepwalking the other night.

We went to a barbeque at my friend Dana's house. She made me a cocktail called a "Southern Hospitality" (said in a thick southern drawl).  It's made with Southern Comfort, watermelon schnapps, and Red Bull.  It was so good.  It tasted like a Jolly Rancher.  So I had another one.  Mitch drove home.

While I was sleeping that night I had vivid dreams.  I dreamed that I was still at Dana's house and I was using her bathroom and I decided that my teeth really needed a good brushing so I took a toothbrush out of her toothbrush cup (which, coincidentally, was exactly like mine) and I started brushing my teeth.  It felt a little weird so I looked and it wasn't my orange toothbrush like I expected it to be, it was a black one.  Was I using Dana's toothbrush?  I bet she wouldn't like that.  Oh well, I thought, she will never have to know, and I kept brushing my teeth.  

Then I wandered into her kitchen which, again, was just like mine.  Same white tile floor.  I dreamed I was sitting on a stool in the middle of the floor and I suddenly really had to go to the bathroom.  I didn't want to pee in Dana's kitchen, but I couldn't seem to stop myself, so I peed and felt so much better but at the same time felt guilty for making such a big mess in her kitchen.  

Then I woke up in my bed in a panic because I know that having detailed dreams of peeing is never a good thing so I thrashed around in utter dread, thinking I wet my bed.  I didn't.  Thank goodness.  Mitch would NEVER let me live that down.  Then I thought maybe (oh sweet Jesus, please no) I got up and peed all over the kitchen.  But I wasn't wet.  So I went back to sleep.  Then I dreamed that there was a hidden room behind Dana's bathroom that looked just exactly like Sam's room.  In fact, Sam was sleeping in it.  Did Dana know about this?  Is Sam leading a double life?  In my dream I told myself to remember to tell her about the hidden room behind her bathroom, but I wasn't going to tell her Sam was living in it.  

In the morning I got up and discovered that nobody had urinated all over the kitchen.  I was totally ready to blame the dog if I found a big puddle of pee in there, but thankfully, there was none.  I did, however, have a suspiciously empty bladder, and surprisingly clean teeth. So, did I walk around my house all night dreaming I was still at Dana's party?  Was it the Southern Comfort, the watermelon schnapps, or the Red Bull that gave me such a weird night?  Nobody will ever know. 

Are you a sleepwalker? 


  1. My husband does all the time when he's extremely tired. It's hilarious. He'll get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and instead of turning around and coming back to bed he'll go and make a comlete circle around the kitchen and living room and come in the other door and when I asked "what did you do that for" he said "because I can". He does all kinds of crazy stuff like literally dive into bed. One time he farted really loud and I said "holy crap" and he said "self taught" but it was in his sleep so it was even more funny. L

  2. I read this while teaching... I had to stop myself from laughing out loud.

  3. My subconscious always wakes me up when I have to pee; I dream I am peeing and wake right up!


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