Dear [close relative],
I'm glad to hear you are on the mend from your surgery. Sounds like things went well and you should expect a full recovery. That's great! But you know what? You are never going to be able to use the colloquialism "I need _____ like I need a hole in the head!" because you really did need a hole in your head! I suppose you could instead say, "I need _____ like I need a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!" because I can't see any way that poking you in the eye with a sharp stick would ever be beneficial, but you never know!
Well, was that mean? I don't think so. I hope not because already I sent it.
Also, I promised you a story about my sister. She never told me it was okay to tell so I won't tell you which sister it is, to protect her anonymity.
A few years ago my sister had a dog named Pocket.
She was a tough little chihuahua but was always shivering and cold and could never get enough heat. My sister taught her the command, "Under Cover!" and when Pocket heard that she'd go under the covers of whoever had a blanket and she'd heat up to about 500 degrees and become as malleable as bread dough. The last time my sister was pregnant she and Pocket were snuggling on the couch and my sister wasn't feeling too well and let out a fart to relieve some pregnancy stomach pain. It stunk, like farts tend to do, but this fart stunk so bad (pregnancy farts are pretty bad) that Pocket woke up and crawled up to the top of the blanket to try to get some air, and when she had gotten as far as my sister's chest, she threw up.
My sister had a fart so stinky that it made a dog throw up. Now that's impressive!
She also has a dog named Abby who one time came into her bedroom in the early hours of the morning and threw up a whole bird.