Monday, January 24, 2011

Personal things about my relatives that I didn't get their permission to write about.

I wrote a card to a close relative of mine who has been in the hospital recently for a subdural hematoma.  In lay terms that means the poor lady was bleeding in her brain and needed some surgically precise drilling (gross) to relieve the pressure.  Pretty serious stuff!  Anyway, I wrote a card for this dear lady and Mitch read it and thought it was "mean."  I'll let you decide.  Here is what it says:

Dear [close relative],

I'm glad to hear you are on the mend from your surgery.  Sounds like things went well and you should expect a full recovery.  That's great!  But you know what?  You are never going to be able to use the colloquialism "I need _____ like I need a hole in the head!" because you really did need a hole in your head!  I suppose you could instead say, "I need _____ like I need a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!" because I can't see any way that poking you in the eye with a sharp stick would ever be beneficial, but you never know!

Well, was that mean?  I don't think so.  I hope not because already I sent it.

Also, I promised you a story about my sister.  She never told me it was okay to tell so I won't tell you which sister it is, to protect her anonymity.

A few years ago my sister had a dog named Pocket.

She was a tough little chihuahua but was always shivering and cold and could never get enough heat.  My sister taught her the command, "Under Cover!" and when Pocket heard that she'd go under the covers of whoever had a blanket and she'd heat up to about 500 degrees and become as malleable as bread dough.  The last time my sister was pregnant she and Pocket were snuggling on the couch and my sister wasn't feeling too well and let out a fart to relieve some pregnancy stomach pain.  It stunk, like farts tend to do, but this fart stunk so bad (pregnancy farts are pretty bad) that Pocket woke up and crawled up to the top of the blanket to try to get some air, and when she had gotten as far as my sister's chest, she threw up.  

My sister had a fart so stinky that it made a dog throw up.  Now that's impressive!

She also has a dog named Abby who one time came into her bedroom in the early hours of the morning and threw up a whole bird.


  1. I hope your relative you sent the card to has a sense of humor. If she does, you're all set. If she doesn't.....don't expect a holiday card next year! lol

  2. Not mean at all...hopefully they didn't drill into the part of the brain that controls the sense of humor. Then it might be awkward.

  3. That is the funniest fart/dog story I have ever heard!!!
    You are freakin' hilarious!!!

  4. That is horrific and hilarious. Poor doggie.

    I know PMS farts are bad. Poor BF is going to DIE when it comes to pregnancy farts. The poor bastard will probably barf on my lap, too.


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