Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Pigeons, Dandelions, Common Cars, and A-holes: Washington DC, Day 3

Washington DC chewed me up and spit me out today.  I am wiped.  I bet we walked 47 miles today.  My feet were killing me and my old brittle hips both felt about to break, but I don't think it was the walking that did me in because I've done all this before, and I did it in clogs.  No, this time I think it is my children who are making me feel old and want to collapse.  First of all, let me tell you where we went today:

1.  Walked to Metro, rode to Chinatown.  Went to fucking McDonalds, because kids won't go in to a random Chinese shop and order something they've never heard of before.  Ugh.
2.  Went to the portrait gallery, geeked out on paintings and statues of George Washington.
3.  Walked to Ford's Theater, there was a line around the block.  Skipped it. 
4.  Walked to National Archives only to see another line around the block.  The kids said they would NOT stand in the line even though I thought it was important for them to see the Constitution and Declaration of Independence.
5.  Walked to National Art Museum, walked around looking at art.  Looking at art is fun with a 14 year old who won't even say the word "pad" because it might be construed as being dirty.  Kira and I saw more naked fat ladies made of paint and marble than a person could ever hope to see.  Sam spent a lot of time looking at the floor and the walls and the ceiling, avoiding the visual boob barrage as best he could.  Kira said her feet were sore because the shoes "YOU GOT ME" (emphasize in a whiny voice) are hard as rocks on the bottom and not cushy like the ones I got myself.  We traded shoes (they are kind of hard), but she was complaining again within 100 feet. 

"Hey look, a Honda Civic!"            "My feet hurt.  Hey! A pigeon!"
6.  Walked around the outside of the Capitol and then went in to the visitor's center.  I got verbally berated and practically cavity searched by the Capitol police because I tried to smuggle a granola bar in to the visitor's center.  Like I'm really going to sneak up to Michele Bachman's office and attack her with my granola bar because she's such an idiot.  And then they wouldn't even let me up to see the Rotunda!  WTF?  They said, "There's a scale model in the visitor center."  Lame.  It's a Barbie sized model.  NOT THE SAME. 
7.  Walked through the tunnel to the Library of Congress so I could see the Gutenberg Bible.  We saw it.  The kids were like, "THIS is what you wanted to see?!  It's a book!  And we can't even read the words!"
8.  Then we walked to the Old Post Office to go up to the tower and see the whole city and buy some tacky souvenirs.  It was closed. 
9.  Took the Metro home. 

So that's a lot of walking around but I'm in pretty good shape, I can handle that easy enough.  What exhausted me was the kids.  We were standing in front of the the Capitol and Sam looked at the road and said, "Hey look, a Dodge Ram!"  Kira spent some time at the sculpture garden picking dandelions, decidedly NOT looking at the gardens, fountains or art.  Sam took three pictures of a Camaro parked on the street.  Kira took about 38 pictures of pigeons.  Kira also stalked some pigeons and managed to catch one in the air as it tried to fly away.  A family of tourists nearby then spent about ten minutes gawking at me like I was queen of the hillbillies for having a daughter that catches pigeons out of the air.  One of them screeched, "GO WASH YOUR HANDS!"  Hey lady, I didn't want her to catch the pigeon!  I told her to drop it right away!  It's just who she is, okay?  OKAY!  Leave me alone! 

I think the three factors that are making me feel so worn out were the kids and their fascination with cars and urban pests instead of travel and culture, the a-hole Capitol guard who made me throw away a perfectly SAFE granola bar, and having my parenting skills judged by a random lady obsessed with hand cleanliness.  Tomorrow will be more of a kid-friendly, easy-mom day.  Cramming culture down their throats doesn't seem to be appreciated or all that effective.  I think we'll just go to the Air and Space Museum all day.  And watch an Imax movie.  And eat hot dogs.


  1. Good God! I've been there with my just-turned-teen daughter. You may as well just take the kid(s) straight to McDonalds and be done with, then get a baby sitter so you can go and do all that stuff you wanted to do without all their whining and weirdo behavior. Screw the kids! It's not your fault they grew up sans culture, right? It's society's fault! (It's tacky having to resort to using that excuse but what can you do?)

  2. Oh yeah, and the pigeon thing...

    I'm so glad my daughter is not the only one that has an abnormal fascination for skyrats!

  3. Sounds like a fun day. You really should take them to Mt. Vernon. I know how attracted you are to George. The kids will probably like Washington's tomb and the slave quarters. Interesting place.

  4. You must be a saint. Don't think I could have handled all that!

  5. Ungrateful little bastards!! No, I don't mean that.

    Next time take them to the MOA... I mean, it is THEIR vacation right?

  6. Is your daughter a superhero? Who can catch a pigeon IN THE AIR? That's impressive.

    When the girl was 4 or so, we took her to a zoo in some other city - I forget where - and she spent a ridiculous amount of time staring at the . . . carp. Yeah. Best. Day. Ever.

  7. I had a pet Pigeon, his name was Humphrey.
    He lived in my room

    Maybe Kira could bring one home.

    Pigeon's eat centipedes......


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