Friday, April 1, 2011

I missed you!

OH MY GOD!  I haven't had internet for days and days!  I can get email on my phone and if I'm absolutely desperate I can get on the internet and look at blogs on my phone too, but the screen: she's so very very tiny, it was hard.  I don't know what the heck is wrong with our wi-fi.  It's really starting to get on my nerves.  Anyhoo, since I had no internet service I did things like clean the house, and pay attention to my children, and read books.  BOOORRRIIINNNGGG!!!  Just kidding.  I finished reading Roots and like I've mentioned before, it was hard to read because of how horrible slavery is, so after I finished it I thought, I have to read something totally different, and hopefully lighter.  So I picked up a book I got for Christmas and it was about a mother and a daughter.  Sweet!  I have a daughter!  But after I got into it, I realized it was mostly about the Holocaust.  You know what's more horrible than mid 19th century Southern white slave owners?  Nazis.  Hello again, nightmares!

Last night I went to book club, and I have to say, I love my new book club.  Sure, the book we read was good and we talked about it and all; but we also talked about hot-flashes, fiber-intake (complete with a sample of our hostess's delicious chewable fiber pills), public farting, the Bristol Stool Scale (which I forgot the name of so just googled "broman's poop chart" and got the desired results.  I love you, Google!)

When Dana brought up the poop chart on her computer for us to see, I was pretty proud because I am number one all the way, and number one is the best right?

 Apparently not.  A person should be aiming for number four.  Yeah, that's right.  Number four

Then we talked and talked about all kinds of stuff, and one of the ladies told the funniest story.  She said when she was young she heard a joke that she didn't get, but everyone who heard it laughed at it, so she laughed too, and later when she was having dinner with her parents she thought they might like to hear the funny joke.  The joke was "What is better than roses on your piano?  Tulips on your organ."  (get it, two lips).  She told the joke to her parents and then laughed and laughed, and not until years later did she finally get the joke and was immediately mortified that she told an oral sex joke to her parents at the dinner table. 

I'm still laughing about it.


  1. Well thanks for today's lesson!

    I have been a 4 for a few weeks now.

    You need to drink more water to obtain the winners circle of stool!

  2. great poop lesson I guess I need more water! Lots more water.

    I would have died once I figured out the joke.

  3. I'm so strange that this chart is actually interesting to me.

    I would like to know more, like what each stage means.

    Not saying I"m not number 4, just wondering...for a friend...what the other stages mean.

  4. Jane, congrats on your snake-like regularity! I'm jealous.

    Empress, I think 1 means: YOU NEED MORE WATER! DIET COKE IS NOT "GOOD ENOUGH!" #2 means: You could really use more water. #3 means: Pretty good! Don't you feel better! Celebrate by having a nice glass of water! #4 means: Take a picture and put it on facebook. Your friends will SAY they are grossed out, but secretly they are just jealous. #5 means: Pretty good, but you'd use less toilet paper if you ate more fiber! #6 means: Wasn't that uncomfortable? How long do you think you could have held that? Not long! MORE FIBER! and #7 means: Congratulations! You don't have to go to work today! Spend the day eating fiber, and STAY AWAY FROM THE WEEK OLD CHINESE FOOD THAT YOU LEFT ON THE COUNTER ALL NIGHT LONG!

  5. Why do I feel like I've been given TMI? And She's right. Water is crucial to the process!

  6. # 7 can also mean you are in Nicaragua.

    # 4 - psh. I am always happiest with a nice # 3, because it's so exciting to wipe just the once.

  7. We're Number 4!

    We're Number 4!

    USA! USA!


    I want to be in your book club. Mine is lame.

    Sorry you had to spend time with your kids. That blows. Even more sorry you had two books in a row that were so scarring. I just read a good, kind of light one - The Sugar Queen. No holocaust, no slavery.

  8. Alternately intrigued and needing to vomit. Can I come to one of your book club meetings?

  9. Dana McKibbage WaldbilligApril 3, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    Not to be gross or anything (ok, too late) but hit Wikipedia for a layman's definition of the Bristol Stool Chart. It was created in 1997 at the (fake?) University of Bristol. The consistency of the turd has to do with how long it remains in your colon. #1-2 means constipation (duh), #3-4 is ideal (duh), and #5-7 means you'll be tying your jacket around your waist after you shit yourself. Our goal here is 'digestive efficiency', people! I just noticed #2-4 use the word 'sausage' in their descriptions. I'm never eating sausage again.
    And, yes, you can all join our book club :-)

  10. I wanna join your book club! As long as I don't have to talk about cracked sausages or soft blobs of ANYTHING.


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