Monday, June 27, 2011

Conversation overheard outside my bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning

Raccoon:  Hey Bear, how's it going?  Nice place huh?
Bear:  Yeah, I've been living here for a couple years.  I'm thinking about making the move inside.

Raccoon:  Did you know that the stupid bitch who lives here keeps whole garbage cans full of dog food and bird seed?  Right up there next to the house!

Bear:  Oh yeah?  I think I heard her husband tell her that was a stupid idea about a million times but I never checked it out.

Raccoon:  She is a stupid bitch.  I was taking the lids off last night, you know, with my fully functioning opposeable thumbs, and stealing food and she kept trying to catch me at it and finally I thought, you know what?  I'm tired of hiding in the shadows every time she clumps into the kitchen and turns on the lights so I just stayed there and stared her down.

Bear:  No kidding! What did she think of that?

Raccoon:  She almost shit her pants.  It was hilarious!  She waved a broom in the air.  Why do they do that?  It's so weird.

Bear:  I think they think it makes them look bigger.  Idiots.

Raccoon:  So then she let that chicken shit dog out so I had to take off.  Have a look at those cans.  They are still there but now they have cases of Diet Coke on the lids.  I can't lift them off.  Think you could help me out?

Bear:  Nah, not right now.  I'm busy.  I see she got a new hummingbird feeder.  I have to get it down.

Raccoon:  You eat nectar?

Bear:  No, I just want to break it.

Raccoon:  I hear you there!  I wish I was as big as you but still, these tiny hands can do a lot of damage.  See those flowers and veggies she has planted in pots?  I dug them all up.  For no reason at all!

Squirrel:  Hey MothaFuckers!  How's it going?  Did you notice the lady hung the good bird feeder super high? Kind of putting a cramp in my style, but I can still get it.  Stupid bitch.  I started to feel sorry for her but then yesterday when I was puzzling out how to get way the hell up there, she watched and laughed at me every time I missed.

Raccoon:  Yeah, she really thinks she's something.

Squirrel:  I heard from the mice that there's a way to get inside and run through the ceiling.  It really freaks her out.  I think I'm going to do that.  Wanna come with?

Raccoon:  Maybe.  But for now I'm going to continue keeping her up nights by making noise on the deck and wrecking everything.

Bear:  Me too.

Rabbit:  Hey guys, Did you see those pea plants?  Well, they are gone now, but they were fucking delicious!

Raccoon:  Yeah, she planted more, but I dug them all up.

Rabbit:  Asshole, you're interfering with my livelihood!

Bear:  Hey, we should all come here together and freak her out, it would be so hilarious!

Raccoon:  Yeah, that would.  I heard the mosquitoes have been cooking up some West Nile for her too.

Rabbit:  Oh great, here comes that stupid dog.  See you guys later!

Raccoon, Bear, Squirrel:  Yeah, later tonite!


  1. Very imaginative and probably accurate! lol

  2. Dana McKibbage WaldbilligJune 27, 2011 at 12:06 PM


  3. Your blog cracks me up! Were you always this funny?

  4. Eva: I'm sure it's totally accurate, but they might be even a little meaner.

    Erin: Thanks! Yep. ;)

    Update: My dog almost got hit by lightening. She's freaking out and I think she might be broken. I might be on my own in my battle against wildlife now. Shit.


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