Monday, June 27, 2011
Conversation overheard outside my bedroom window in the wee hours of the morning
Raccoon: Hey Bear, how's it going? Nice place huh?
Bear: Yeah, I've been living here for a couple years. I'm thinking about making the move inside.
Raccoon: Did you know that the stupid bitch who lives here keeps whole garbage cans full of dog food and bird seed? Right up there next to the house!
Bear: Oh yeah? I think I heard her husband tell her that was a stupid idea about a million times but I never checked it out.
Raccoon: She is a stupid bitch. I was taking the lids off last night, you know, with my fully functioning opposeable thumbs, and stealing food and she kept trying to catch me at it and finally I thought, you know what? I'm tired of hiding in the shadows every time she clumps into the kitchen and turns on the lights so I just stayed there and stared her down.
Bear: No kidding! What did she think of that?
Raccoon: She almost shit her pants. It was hilarious! She waved a broom in the air. Why do they do that? It's so weird.
Bear: I think they think it makes them look bigger. Idiots.
Raccoon: So then she let that chicken shit dog out so I had to take off. Have a look at those cans. They are still there but now they have cases of Diet Coke on the lids. I can't lift them off. Think you could help me out?
Bear: Nah, not right now. I'm busy. I see she got a new hummingbird feeder. I have to get it down.
Raccoon: You eat nectar?
Bear: No, I just want to break it.
Raccoon: I hear you there! I wish I was as big as you but still, these tiny hands can do a lot of damage. See those flowers and veggies she has planted in pots? I dug them all up. For no reason at all!
Raccoon: Yeah, she really thinks she's something.
Squirrel: I heard from the mice that there's a way to get inside and run through the ceiling. It really freaks her out. I think I'm going to do that. Wanna come with?
Raccoon: Maybe. But for now I'm going to continue keeping her up nights by making noise on the deck and wrecking everything.
Bear: Me too.
Raccoon: Yeah, she planted more, but I dug them all up.
Rabbit: Asshole, you're interfering with my livelihood!
Bear: Hey, we should all come here together and freak her out, it would be so hilarious!
Raccoon: Yeah, that would. I heard the mosquitoes have been cooking up some West Nile for her too.
Rabbit: Oh great, here comes that stupid dog. See you guys later!
Raccoon, Bear, Squirrel: Yeah, later tonite!