1. On your honeymoon, if things start getting too romantic and spectacular, get diarrhea so badly that when you emerge from the bathroom in the teeny tiny cabin you're staying in, you find your new husband holding one of the clove-scented coasters you got for a wedding present against his face to keep himself from gagging. If he stays with you, that's good, if he stays in the cabin with you, it's true love.
2. When you are pregnant and miserable and he gets you flowers to try to brighten your day; because that is so out of character for him, and also because you are absolutely mental when you're pregnant, accuse him of stealing the flowers and then look in the checkbook register to see if he actually paid for them. Don't expect flowers again after that for a long time, but it's worth it because it's important to set mental-health low points early on.
3. Let your wife know you are the man of the house. Let her know you are going to be there and provide for and protect her and the little ones. Mark your territory and don't leave any doubt as to whose territory it is:
|Just to be on the safe side, you better use your last name, or at least your last initial,|
in case the little woman is simple-minded.
6. Laugh together. When your adolescent boy comes out of his room wearing pants four inches too short because nobody has done laundry in a week and the boy grows out of clothes at an obnoxious rate; purely for the entertainment of your beloved, one of you should say, "Hey, nice pants! Where's the flood?" which will make the other one laugh hysterically. Who cares how the boy feels? He's got to get used to people laughing at him if he's going to wear pants like that anyway.
7. Support each other's interests. If she gets obsessed with shoving live plants in jars with rocks until your whole house is full of terrariums and the moss patch in your yard is full of divots SO BE IT. If he gets carried away with installing poles so that your back yard looks like a forest full of leafless yellow-trunked trees, LEARN TO LOVE IT.
That sums up the glue that holds my marriage together. What are your tips?