Friday, June 24, 2011

Seven Secrets to a Fabulous Marriage

Mitch says he doesn't like when I write about him on the blog, but I think we all know that's a big fat lie because who doesn't like to see their name in print, am I right?  We have been married for a loooong time, like almost half my life (assuming I'm 26), which surprises and amazes me because before him I was never with anyone longer than a year.  People just get on my nerves after a while, know what I mean?  Not that I didn't mean it when I said, "Til death do us part,"  I totally did, I just assumed one of us would kill the other by now (thank you for not killing me yet, Mitch).  Since I am obviously so incredibly good at being married, I'm going to give you some of the secrets to my amazing success which, in a phrase, is this:  set that bar low.

1.  On your honeymoon, if things start getting too romantic and spectacular, get diarrhea so badly that when you emerge from the bathroom in the teeny tiny cabin you're staying in, you find your new husband holding one of the clove-scented coasters you got for a wedding present against his face to keep himself from gagging.  If he stays with you, that's good, if he stays in the cabin with you, it's true love.

2.  When you are pregnant and miserable and he gets you flowers to try to brighten your day; because that is so out of character for him, and also because you are absolutely mental when you're pregnant, accuse him of stealing the flowers and then look in the checkbook register to see if he actually paid for them.  Don't expect flowers again after that for a long time, but it's worth it because it's important to set mental-health low points early on.

3.  Let your wife know you are the man of the house.  Let her know you are going to be there and provide for and protect her and the little ones.   Mark your territory and don't leave any doubt as to whose territory it is:

Just to be on the safe side, you better use your last name, or at least your last initial,
 in case the little woman is simple-minded.  
4.  In a successful marriage it is understood that as you grow older, you will change physically and probably lose a little of the initial hotness that got you together in the first place.  A good spouse knows that and accepts it.  A really good spouse will morph into a cartoon character to keep things "interesting."


5.  Teach your wife to appreciate things she never in a million years thought she would appreciate.  Say something like, "If I ever poop the bed, tonight will be the night," and then when you don't poop the bed, she will actually be happy!  And grateful!  And all you have to do is NOT poop in your bed!

6.  Laugh together.  When your adolescent boy comes out of his room wearing pants four inches too short because nobody has done laundry in a week and the boy grows out of clothes at an obnoxious rate; purely for the entertainment of your beloved, one of you should say, "Hey, nice pants!  Where's the flood?" which will make the other one laugh hysterically.  Who cares how the boy feels?  He's got to get used to people laughing at him if he's going to wear pants like that anyway.

7.  Support each other's interests.  If she gets obsessed with shoving live plants in jars with rocks until your whole house is full of terrariums and the moss patch in your yard is full of divots SO BE IT. If he gets carried away with installing poles so that your back yard looks like a forest full of leafless yellow-trunked trees, LEARN TO LOVE IT.

That sums up the glue that holds my marriage together.  What are your tips?


  1. You had me until "leafless yellow trunked trees". Im trying to imagine what those could possibly be. Clearly I've missed a post somewhere along the line. :)

  2. Oh this made me giggle out loud. I love how low your bar is set.. such a brilliant idea.

  3. What a great guide to a successful achievable! Thanks for the morning chuckles!

  4. Dana Mckibbage WaldbilligJune 29, 2011 at 6:46 PM

    Today is is my 20th anniversary (honest), and I'd like to add a few tidbits:
    8)Do not have children. If you must procreate, have only one small child. Children destroy any and all normal adult interaction between 2 people. One or both members of the couple are either completely exhausted, completely malnourished, or completely deranged at all times. But some people like the little shrimps, go figure.
    9) Live in a house that is about 1/3 the size that you really need. That way you are constantly on top of one another (and that little shrimp he insisted on having), and you have lots of opportunities to communicate with your soul mate. Sometimes it comes in the form of screaming and throwing a cordless phone at his head at 2:00 a.m., but whatevs.
    10) Never, ever, ever upgrade anything. That includes the hobbit house, the '87 Nissan Sentra, the flip phones with the antenna, the electric can opener you got for your wedding, the lawn mower, etc.

    I have NO idea what any of these things have to do with happiness, but they worked for us!

  5. Dana, I couldn't agree with your tips more. We had two kids and although I love them to death and would jump in front of a speeding train for them, they have turned me into a mom-drone. I would jump in front of a speeding locomotive for them, for god's sake! That's insane!

    I think your small house tip is a good one. Really. You are totally right on that one.

    I think I gotta split with you on the upgrading thing though. 87 Sentra? No thanks. But we've never had an electric can opener. And we call this living!


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