Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Walter Mitty

I recently found out that something I do that I thought was totally normal and common is actually kind of weird.  But I still don't think I'm weird.  I'm sure other people do this too, but don't admit it so because I'm coming clean, I want you to come clean too, in the comments, so I don't feel so stupid.

When I'm doing something boring, or something I don't like I pretend I'm doing something else that's perhaps dangerous, or heroic or really important.  For instance, when I go for a walk in the winter in the deep snow, and I have to climb the hill in our back yard, I, of course, pretend I'm climbing Mount Everest. That's so obvious, I bet everyone does that!  However, I told Kira about one today and she looked at me like I was a lunatic and won't stop making fun of me.  Yes, you heard right: KIRA making fun of ME. Today I had to weed my landscaping rocks.  But before I go into that, why is it that plants grow so lush and beautiful in the landscaping rocks?  I can't grow gorgeous plants on purpose, but I can't stop weeds from growing out of rocks.  That just doesn't seem fair.

 Anyway, back to my ALLEGED weirdness:  While I weed I pretend that I am a police detective, a "narc," if you will, and I am at the frontline in the war on drugs.  The weeds I pull are drug dealers, and if I'm lucky, my arrest (weed pulling) will lead to the seamy underground of the drug world and I will bust a huge cartel (root system) and clean up the streets for the kids of the future (?).  I love when I pull a tough little tuft of grass and it has a root system that leads to all the other tufts of grass in a large area.  That, my friends, is a good day on the streets.  Makes the days when I can only manage to get punk street dealers (leaves) and they won't give up their suppliers (roots).  Those are frustrating days.  They're why I drink.  Life is tough for a cop on the beat sometimes.

So do you also do this totally normal thing to make a boring or unpleasant task tolerable?  I'm sure you do.  Please tell me about it.  I need some reassurance.

I also pretend I am the six million dollar man (but I'm a woman, of course!) when I'm on the elliptical machine at the gym.  I pretend the people around me are scientists and they are saying things like, "Oh my god, nobody has ever gone for 45 minutes on level 5!  NOBODY!" and then they write things on their clipboards.

Also, when I make frozen pizza, when I cut open the plastic wrapping around the pizza I pretend that I'm a doctor and the plastic wrapping is a woman, and the pizza is a baby and I'm doing an emergency C-section.  "Save her, doctor!  Get the baby out!  You're the only one who can do it!" Then I cut it out and voila, a healthy pepperoni baby.  Then I throw the mother in the garbage and cook the baby.


  1. Have you been smoking funny cigarettes or ingesting odd drugs? I'm just askin'

  2. OK, so by FAR the weirdest thing you do is cause me to pee my accident when I read your blog. It makes the rest of your wacky (WEIRD!) behavior sound positively ordinary. BTW, nobody does the things you wrote about above. No weed-pulling drug dealers. No snow-drift Mt. Everests. No pepperoni-C-section babies. None of it. You are an absolute ORIGINAL. (Typed while searching for Kleenex to deal with my peeing issue.)

  3. Dana McKibbage WaldbilligJune 28, 2011 at 9:59 PM

    The only thing I can think of that is possibly even remotely close to your weirdness is that when I play solitaire on the computer I pretend I am a professional solitaire player who is winning a MAJOR tournament, soon to win MAJOR cash and prizes, and LOTS of people are watching me as I play. I might even talk out loud while I do this. Maybe.
    But your shit is way weirder.

  4. Eva, Don't be a denier!

    Kristin, I'm glad you found it so funny, but I don't believe for a second that you don't do that.

    Dana, thanks for owning up to it. I've been a superstar solitaire player too. Also, when I play Sudoku I am a code-breaker for the CIA.

    There's about a million other ones but I am not going to admit anymore until some more of you OWN UP. Amy? Beth? Come on.

  5. When I'm sitting with my sister (you....and almost always boring) I imagine that I'm an FBI agent bringing my "unsub" (you) into custody....and when you resist I have to use my advanced training in chest typewriter, hair in face and head finger thumping to subdue you...then I'm deemed a hero for getting you off the streets and away from Internet access so you can no longer write weird blog posts like this one.

    You all can thank me later.


  6. The pizza thing is crazy, but I totally imagine I'm saving people from drowning when I pick up socks from the floor.

  7. Beth, NOT FUNNY! NOT SUPPORTIVE! I know you are a million times weirder than me, you're just smart enough not to tell people about it.

    Jenny, thank you so much for commenting, and I have thought it over about stealing your drowning sock fantasy, but that's just adds undue stress. What if I miss one under the bed? I don't need any dead socks on my conscience. And the pizza thing IS NOT CRAZY. It's fun.

  8. Love it! Sounds much more fun then my weed pulling but come tomorrow I am going to clean up the streets too! LOL

  9. Ok that's it, give me Mitch's cell number.....it's time!!


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