Saturday, July 9, 2011

How do I get in touch with Graco to sell my big idea?

Beth facebooked me and...just a minute - Dear Autocorrect, sometimes you are so stupid.  "Facebooked" IS a word!  People use it!  Also, Autocorrect, "autocorrect" is also a word so why don't you stick your squiggly red underlines up your butt and study some modern vocabulary words.  Okay, anyway, Beth facebooked me and told me to update this blog because the picture of Kira jumping off jagged rocks into a river was making her nervous. Fair enough.  Beth has small children and anyone who has had children knows that their mobility outpaces their common sense by years and years, which makes parenting basically about a 7 year suicide watch.

Don't drown, Sweetie!
My kids have both passed the accidental-suicide point and are now more coordinated and stronger than me, and sensible enough to realize, for example, if they launch themselves from the top step of the staircase and yell, "CATCH MEEEEEE!" while flying through the air that they probably won't be caught and they probably will be spending several hours in the emergency room. (Right, Kira?) I think it shouldn't be considered child abuse to shackle small, senseless children until they are smart and responsible enough to be granted access to their full mobility.  I think one of those cannonballs on a chain, connected to their ankle would be a really smart idea.  I looked all over the baby-supply sites and didn't see anything like it so I might have to invent it.  NO STEALING MY IDEA!  Sure, it might seem cruel, but that's only because we aren't used to it.  I think it would be adorable to see my little nieces dragging around their balls-and-chains.

AWWWW!!!! CUTE!!!!
Just think of the fun "I'm-getting-my-ball-and-chain-removed" party!  It's not like old China and foot binding, which was so STUPID because they kids had normal feet and ran around like idiots, and their mothers couldn't even catch them because they are the ones who had tiny bound feet.  It's all a matter of cultural acceptance.

I think it's a great idea.

This post was supposed to be all about how much I love eating Tootsie Rolls I find on the road during a parade, and how I would never in a million years eat road candy if a parade wasn't involved and I also would be kind of upset if a stranger whipped candy at me; but because someone threw it at me and it landed in the road while I was watching a parade, I'm not only okay with it, I'm thrilled about it.  It's all about cultural acceptance, people.


  1. I thought the ball and chain thing was for husbands!

  2. I would TOTALLY buy the ball-and-chain. I am constantly aware of Paige defying death, practically every day. Friday night, I was careless enough to let her fall asleep on our bed with me - knowing full well that she flops around like a fish all night, and that if I were to allow such a thing as her falling asleep WAY UP THERE, she was going to flip off and fall to her death. Am still thanking my lucky stars that I woke up suddenly at 3:30 a.m., looked around wildly, wondering what had spooked me, and then I see the baby hanging half off the bed, just seconds away from flopping over and falling 10 or 12 feet onto her face. I saved her.

    Come to think of it now, the ball-and-chain wouldn't have exactly helped with this scenario. It would only have quickened the speed of her descent. Ah, well. I'd still buy one.

    BTW, I'd eat the parade/pavement food, too. Hell, it's FREE!!!

  3. Yeah, Kristin, the ball and chain would have been more of a problem in your example. Unless you could somehow connect the ball and chain to the bed. BTW, why is your bed so high? Do you sleep in a bunk bed?

  4. Autocorrect....I wrote a comment to Charli on was suppose to be...Awwww...I'm working nights. (in response to Taylor wanting a playdate with Sid) it came out Asses...I'm working nights...which is kinda funny.

    Ball and chain...great idea! Maybe by the time I have grandkids that will be acceptable (I hope)...for now maybe I'll get a couple of those leashes that are disguised as cute little backpacks. Maybe the ball and chain would be more acceptable if they came in cute with fur or smiley faces.

    Yes, high is your bed?...10-12 feet....

  5. LOL I may have exaggerated. A bit. It's high for my feeble legs, when I try to lift them to climb onto it. I have to kind of "jump." It seems like a mountain. It's not a bunk bed (LMAO Sarah), but it's a king-sized-Tempurpedic foam jobby on top of a ridiculous platform frame, next to a hard-wood floor. Which might as well be Mount Everest to a baby's soft, non-flat little face. Or so I'm assuming.

  6. The ball and chain would have been hella handy at the 4th of July parade when the niece kept running back to the fishing game....although it might have worked against me when I was trying to carry the screaming noodle back to her mother saying, "Owwww, Auntie!! OWWWWW!!!" And Kristen, I'm glad you clarified because I was wondering if your bed was right at the edge of a loft or something.... :)

  7. Whoops....that Anonymous was me....

  8. Hahaha! I had a kid leash for my kids. I got a lot of flack for it from parents who thought I was treating them like pets. Saved me from that cold chill moment of my child dashing out into traffic, running away at the store and being found by a pedophile, etc. I LOVE the ball and chain idea. ;)

  9. I don't have kids, but I would like the ball and chain for my cat, Tim.

    He's in the teenage year of cats and has been disappearing at night now that's it's warm. Maybe this would keep him in my yard and make it harder to prowl the neighborhood.

    And before you call PETA, it's for his own protection! I live in dangerous area! We have mountain lions, raccoons, yes they eat cats, and foxes!!

  10. Dana McKibbage WaldbilligJuly 11, 2011 at 4:03 PM

    OK, I've seen Kristin's bed, and it's super-high. Combine that with the aforementioned hardwood floors and you've got yourself a death-trap. The ball-n-chain would have been bad. Is there some kind of high-pitched, screeching whistle/alarm we can attach to the kid? Maybe?


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