THOR and Twilight: Movie Reviews

I didn't think I'd ever see Thor because it looked so stupid.  Then I saw that Natalie Portman was in it and she doesn't usually steer me wrong.  And Kenneth Branagh directed it and he's pretty good, so I thought I'd give it a chance.

Thor is a space god; nay, a NORSE space god.  His dad, Odin, wants to retire and make Thor the king but on the very DAY that Thor is going to assume the throne, King Laufey, a space frost god/giant gets in to Odin's weapon's room and tries to steal some glowy blue thingy that everyone is in love with.  Thor wants to kick ass and take names, but Odin wants to avoid war so he banishes Thor to the human realm on earth for being impetuous and arrogant.  BUT, just to give Thor some hope, he sends his super-duper hammer down too. I don't know if you knew this about Thor, but to him every problem is a nail and his hammer is always the solution.  He's heavy handed.  He falls in love with Natalie Portman and to save her life and to save earth he has to destroy the rainbow space bridge to earth.  With his hammer.  Of course.  Natalie Portman, you let me down.

I also saw Breaking Dawn Part I this weekend.  It was a must-see for anyone who has read the books and already invested time and money in to seeing the other movies.  It got horrible reviews, which I can understand because there were some parts during the movie where I was hanging my head and pretending I was doing something else because it was especially embarrassing.  Like when the werewolf pack got together in a tense meeting and telepathically yelled/real-life growled at each other.  It reminded me of the old Transformer cartoons that I never watched when I was little because they were so ridiculous.

In this movie Edward, the 100 year old vampire stuck in the body of a 17 year old boy, finally marries the love of his life, human 18 year old Bella Swan.  They have a gorgeous wedding and then go on a honeymoon and finally consummate their relationship which, if you don't know this about vampires, they are super strong and so Edward is wary of doing it with Bella because he's afraid she'll get hurt, which she does.  She gets all bruised up but she's totally in to it because she's a masochist.

Soon she finds out she is pregers with a demon/vampire baby that is consuming her from the inside out.  Edward is shocked that she got pregnant because he didn't know that sex sometimes results in pregnancy even though he's been taking high school health classes for about 80 years. Way to go, Edward!  He is worried about Bella because the baby seems to be killing her which was disturbing to watch because Bella really did look skeletal and deathly for about half the movie.  The gestation only lasts a few weeks because fyi: vampire-human embryos/fetuses/infants/children grow at an astronomical rate.  The baby is breaking Bella's bones and when she finally has to deliver, the baby breaks her spine with a kick or something and they can't get the baby out because the birth sac is made of vampire skin and so is impenetrable by anything other than vampire teeth so Edward has to chew the baby out.  Literally, chew the baby out of Bella's stomach. Bella is dying from blood loss and trauma and shock so Edward has to try to save her life by plunging a syringe of vampire venom directly into her heart to change her into a vampire which will heal all her injuries and make her immortal.  It works.  The end.

Breaking Dawn Part II comes out next year and then we find out what Bella's special vampire talent is (she's a shield) and there is the ultimate vampire/werewolf war.  Will the Cullen's come out on top?  (yes) Will Edward and Bella be happily married? (yes) Will their baby go nuts and kill every human in a 200 mile range? (I wish)  We'll see!