Monday, April 1, 2013

Happy April Fools Day, Fools!

Happy April Fool's Day!  I unwittingly pranked myself good by not doing any housework all weekend so this morning I didn't have clean underwear or a clean towel.  HILARIOUS.  I don't usually play April Fool's pranks on purpose because they always backfire.  Here's a post from two years ago:

I STILL don't have internet at home. You know what? Not having internet at home is exactly like being blind. I want to know what a frog eats but can I just google it and find out? NOOOO.... no internet. So I just have to assume that they eat flies and that it doesn't matter if they are dead or not. I want to know if centipedes bite people on the feet when they are sleeping, but can I find out? No, not unless I get up at five o'clock in the morning and drive down the road and steal wifi from a neighbor, but my foot hurts from what I strongly suspect is a centipede bite, and I'm tired from a fitful night of almost no sleep because of bad dreams about shooting off into space, and guess what else is going on? I HAVE ANOTHER TOOTH ACHE. I have the worst teeth in the world. I think they must be only slightly more durable than the peppermints my grandma used to keep in her car, which were hard as rocks, but dissolved with the tiniest bit of saliva (much like my teeth).

On April Fool's day I really wanted to get Kira with some kind of practical joke because she is constantly torturing me. Lately her favorite method is to sneak up on me and pinch the skinny fat on the back of my arms or on my sides or on my thighs (anywhere, really) and say, "I'M PINCHING YOUR TENDERS!" and then laugh maniacally while I try to wriggle out of her iron-like grip. She's going to be stronger than me soon and I am very very worried about that day. So I took this plastic spider:

And taped it to the under-side of the toilet seat so when she lifted it she would get startled and scream. Well, it turns out my girl has a bladder the size of a hot air balloon and only goes to the bathroom about twice a day so she never saw it on the toilet because she used the downstairs bathroom (note to self: next year, booby trap all toilets). I did manage to forget about it and scared myself almost out of my wits when I lifted the toilet seat right before bed, and I slammed the lid back down and the spider broke free of the tape and fell in the toilet. I disgustedly threw it in to the tub, with the idea that I'd disinfect it the next day (by throwing it in the garbage), but I forgot about it again and startled myself when I pulled the shower curtain back to take a shower. That joke totally backfired.

I also put a little rubber snake in Kira's bed. She didn't even notice. The next morning I went in the bathroom to take a shower and saw a little plastic frog on the rug. I thought Kira was trying to get me back for leaving the snake or the spider, so I was just going to pick it up and throw it out of the bathroom, but when I went to pick it up, IT HOPPED AWAY. It is a real live frog! It came to live with me! I have no idea where it came from or how it got in the house, but I love him like a child now. We made him a habitat in a big tupperware tub with a plant, a bunch of leaves, some sticks and a saucer of water. I cover it with a damp towel and I set the whole thing on a heating pad. The problem is what to feed the little guy because he's looking a little thin to me.

Don't you think his hips look a little bony?
All I could think of was flies so Kira trapped some live ones that are still buzzing around between the windows and I threw in some dead ones too for good measure, you know, in case he doesn't feel like hunting. Mitch says he doesn't want to eat dead flies but how does he know? See how important google is? Yesterday morning I spotted a disgusting little centipede walking across the livingroom carpet so Mitch said to put it in with the frog because that would be a good meal. I don't know if frogs like centipedes or if they think they are disgusting, and that is one of the things on my list to find out while I sit here in Mitch's office looking like a professional, and soak up a weekend's worth of wifi. (I just looked up pictures of centipedes and I had to stop because they are so gross. The one in my house was only about an inch long, not the size of an adult human hand, like the ones I just saw. Oh Christ, what if it's just a baby and doubles it's size every day? Shit shit shit!)

I made Kira put the centipede in the habitat because I find centipedes to be one of nature's most horrible jokes, and now I can't stop thinking about it. I keep checking to make sure it is still in the habitat, and didn't somehow get out, but half the time I can't see it because it's hiding, and the other half the time, when I do spot it, it just grosses me out even more. And do they bite? Is it going to hurt my frog? I have to find that out too. I have tiny sore spot on my foot that I noticed at about three in the morning and in my sleep-deprived stupor I convinced myself that the centipede got out of the habitat and came into my bed and bit me. My foot still hurts, so something definitely happened, and if it wasn't a centipede bite then what was it? There is no other explanation, so now, when I go home I'm going to have to search through the habitat and find the centipede and kill it so it doesn't hurt my frog.

I know I'm rambling but I don't know when I will get a chance to blog again without making an effort to haul my computer out of the house. This post is too long but I don't want to stop because I have so much more to tell you! I'm afraid of space! I ate six cupcakes on Saturday! I think I might need another root canal! I only slept 2 hours last night! More later....

Update: HOLY SHIT! I just looked up centipedes and they DO bite, and their bites are venomous! What evil have I brought on my little frog. I better go home. Centipedes have fangs on the underside of their heads much like spider fangs! Gross! I vaguely remember that they are poisonous because once Magnum got bit by a centipede when he was trapped under an airplane fuselage in the jungle and he was majorly tripping.

UPDATE #2: Frogs eat bugs. Captive frogs are supposed to eat meal worms or crickets. There is no way in hell I'm buying crickets because they are only slightly less disgusting than centipedes, and I can just imagine how the car ride home would go with them in their little box and me gagging and writhing just thinking about them. And meal worms, please, like I'm going to pay money for something about as appealing as vomit. Sorry frog! I'll try to attract some moths at night, but until I find something that's not totally gross or poisonous, he'll have to settle for dead flies.

Update #3: I'm now pretty sure I have had a centipede bite. I can feel the poison coursing through my veins.


  1. Ha, I read the part about Magnum and I thought....she named her frog Magnum? I thought that was funny. Next chihuahua....Magnum.


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