Recurring Themes

Last night while Mitch and I were watching TV, he started a conversation with me.  This has been an ongoing topic that he apparently hasn't gotten a satisfactory conclusion to because it is something we have discussed in the past.  This is how it started the first time we had this particular conversation:

Mitch:  What is the biggest primate you think I could beat up?

Me:  .....???? .... what?

Mitch:  (sigh) What is the biggest primate you think I could beat up?

Me:  Like, win in a fist fight?

Mitch:  Yeah.

Me:  A spider monkey?  Lemur maybe?

Mitch: (clearly insulted)  No way!  I could at least take on a baboon!

Me:  No, you couldn't.  They are vicious.

Mitch:  Yeah, but they're not that big.  Just a minute, I'll google it...

I thought he was Googling baboons to see how big and tough they are.  It's what any smart opponent would do, learn what you can about your foe, right?  But he wasn't Googling baboons.  He typed "Biggest primate I could beat up" into Google Images.  Here is the result he got:

It was the Google equivalent of saying, "IN YOUR FACE!"  I will say that I agree with Google that Mitch could beat up the monkey pictured above, but only because I think her beads would get in her way.

So last night, completely out of the blue, like always, Mitch said to me:

"I could easily beat up a sun bear, but not a black bear."

Me:  You could not beat up a sun bear.  They are BEARS.

Mitch:  Sure I could.  They're small.

Me:   They're not that small.

Mitch:  They range from 40 to 160 pounds.

Me:  That's oddly specific.  I still don't think you could beat one up.  Even the 40 pound ones are 40 pounds of teeth and claws.

Mitch:  I could beat any one of them up.

Me:  Even the big 160 pounders?

Mitch:  Yes.

Me:... (letting the conversation die.)

Mitch:......

Me:................

Mitch:  I still think I could beat up a baboon.  Especially if he tried to take my chips.

Me:  .... what...??????????????

Mitch:  Why are you looking at me like that?  What's the biggest animal you could beat up?  A bird?

This weird conversation is starting to get contentious.  If I really have to think about it, I think I could easily take on a smallish dog or a declawed cat.  At least I have the common sense to stick with domesticated animals.

Does anyone know where I could set up a relatively safe fight with a baboon or a large sun bear so Mitch can prove his theories?  I think we would all like to know how this shakes out.