Some Important Milestones

Two things have happened in the last few days and I feel like because of them I'm starting an important new chapter in my life.  First of all, I have gotten 90,000 hits on this blog. 

(OMG!!!!!!)

Of course, probably more than half of them are from people googling crazy things like "teens peeing" and "ativan shut up juice," but you know what?  I'll take it.  So thank you to everyone who comes to visit me at this blog every day or week or month or whatever.  I'd keep writing even if I nobody ever read it but if that was the case it would probably be a bunch of craziness and someone would come across it sometime and declare that they've discovered a hidden genius!  Just kidding.  They'd just say I was nuts.  I keep it sane for you, my people.  Oh sure, I've reached out once or twice and let you in on what's really going on in my head, hoping that people would read it and say, "What?  That's not crazy.  I do that."  But you didn't.  You said I was weird.  That's okay, I already knew that.  But I don't need to advertise it, do I?  So I will continue to keep it mostly sane.  Anyway, like I say, I'd still write even if I had no readers, but I am really really glad I have readers.  I love knowing people are coming here to see if there is anything new I have to say.

The other milestone is that I cleaned my oven for the first time since we moved into the house twelve years ago.  It's an old 1970s Tappan and it's small.  It looked so old and crappy when we moved in I thought it would break down so why bother with the cleaning?  Is there a worse chore than cleaning an oven?  I don't think there is.  I almost cleaned it once three years ago but then I didn't.  After about ten years the thought of cleaning it becomes absurd.  Why would I do that?  It's disgusting!  So I'd made myself a mental flowchart which I turned into an actual flowchart:

See?  It doesn't need to be cleaned more than every 12 years.  Next time I clean it I will be 53 years old.  I'm glad because it will take about 12 years for these Easy-Off chemical burns to heal.

A Declaration of Independence from my Bladder

Dear Stupid,

Let's get a few things straight.  For 41 years we've been doing what you want and I'm sick of it.  I think you need to figure out that I run the show from now on.  You were in charge for a lot of years and did a good job for the most part except for that phase in your teens when you would pride yourself on seeing how long you could hold it.  It was a long time, but do you remember bladder infections?  That was me crying out for help.  Did you listen?  No. You're an insensitive jerk. We worked well together for a really long time, and I can honestly say it was almost totally because of me.  Sure, you got all the credit but we both know who was really keeping things under control behind the scenes.  Did you appreciate that?  No.  You took me for granted.  If we had a sign in the break room that said, ___ days since we've had an accident, it would have been in the thousands! (hundreds) But now I feel like we've grown apart and I don't like you anymore. I'm tired of playing a supporting role in your so-called life.  If I could live without you, I would.  I'd get a little apartment downtown and work at Starbucks and never talk to you again, but we both know I can't do that. 

From now on we do what I want, when I want.  You don't even get a vote.  Capiche?  I will get my way and if I don't, I will flood (pun intended) your brain with constant overwhelming thoughts about how bad you have to go, and if you try to ignore me or stifle me by doing the old squat-and-hold-your-breath move, I will embarrass the piss (pun intended) out of you, again. 

I thought you knew the score but then you tried to take an innocent trip to Target to get some wrapping paper.  Did you really think you could just whip in and whip out without making an obligatory stop at the bathroom?  Forget it!  I love that bathroom! Yeah, you tried to show your dominance by finding an empty aisle, doing the squat-move with some deep breaths and force me into submission, but it didn't work, did it?  Previously, I would have caved under the pressure and just done what you wanted, but I finally had enough.  I thought, "That's it, I'm not going to take it anymore! Why do we always have to do what you want?  What about my needs?" and then I forced myself to expel approximately one tablespoon of urine.  Enough to make your pants wet-ish but not enough to cause real embarrassment.  It wasn't easy.  I'm conditioned to not let that happen, but sometimes you've got to say enough is enough!  Yeah, you've got a pretty good kegel, but it's not going to be sufficient anymore.  That single tablespoon of urine was a symbolic shot over the bow.  A warning.  It was me finally casting off the shackles you've kept me in!  Next time you try to hold it when I suggest we make a pit stop I am going to totally unload no matter how hard you try to stop me.  God, I haven't done that in a long time.  Remember back in Mrs. Nelson's first grade, when we had to go, but you thought we could hold it, and then when the class was lining up to take a bathroom break we couldn't hold it anymore?  I really tried to hold it in.  I really did. We were a team back then, but I honestly couldn't control it.  I had to let it out until I was totally empty.  I felt bad that it had to happen on a day you were wearing white tights, but what could I do?  I was young. 

Well I'm not young anymore.  I feel like I've wasted my life doing nothing but holding in your disgusting urine for longer periods of time than any bladder should be expected to hold anyone's disgusting urine.  I'm more than a digestive organ you know!  Have you ever even bothered getting to know the real me?  No!  You haven't!  What's my favorite color?  What's my favorite movie?  Did you know I'm a Republican and have been quietly putting up with your liberal bullshit for decades?  Do you know anything about me?  I have feelings, you know. 

Well, from here on out we're living for me and for what I want.  Think you can watch a movie from beginning to end anymore?  Think again.  You better get an aisle seat.  Airplane bathrooms make you nauseous?  Too bad.  Better bring your barf bag in with you.  And if you have any ideas about getting into another battle of wills with me just know this: your bowels are getting sick of your shit (pun intended) too and all I have to do is say the word and your life gets real bad real fast. 

Sincerely yours,
The Bladder

The Krampus

I just heard a story on the radio about a mythical Christmas creature called the Krampus.  Why didn't anyone ever tell me about this???  I LOVE IT!  The Krampus is a demon-like creature who plays the yin to Santa's yang and while Santa is giving presents to the kids on the nice list, "when the Krampus finds a particularly naughty child, it stuffs the child in its sack and carries the frightened thing away to its lair, presumably to devour for its Christmas dinner." (from Wikipedia)

Merry Christmas!

Do you know how much I would have loved to tell my kids that they better be good or the Krampus would come and kidnap them via giant sac and then take them to his stinky cave and eat them alive?  That is what Christmas is all about!  All I had in my parenting tool-belt was "Be good!  Santa is watching!  You might not get a present if you're naughty!"  Kira was so naughty when she was little,

that the "Santa's-watching!" threat never worked on her. She didn't care.  If Santa stiffed her, she would make Santa sorry he was ever born.  If the Krampus was in the picture, I might have gotten better results.  Oh well.  It's too late for my kids.  They would laugh if I told them about it now.  But it's not too late for my nieces!

And the best part about telling them in disturbing detail about the Krampus is that in their waking hours they will be scared to death to be naughty, and because I'm not their mother, I won't have to deal with the inevitable night-terrors!  Win-win!  I can't wait to see their big eyes when I tell them all about listening carefully in the dead of night for the clip-clop of cloven hooves on Mom's new hardwood floors,  

and that the only way to avoid being stolen and eaten by the Krampus is to sleep IN BETWEEN Mom and Dad every single night of the year.  


Wow, this is so great that I might have to start teaching kindergarten again!  I'll get this book for story time!

Sleep well, kids!

Book Club

Hi.  I'm teaching high school right now.  Well, not really.  It's my lunch break and I'm writing on the blog, so I'm not teaching anyone anything.  I like this teacher.  He seems to have his act together.  The kids have been super. 

I had book club last night and every time it's a book club day and it gets later and darker, I think to myself, "Oh geez, I don't want to go outside in the cold and drive and freeze my butt off, and park blah blah blah, lazy, lazy, lazy;  but every month I do it and I am so glad I did because those ladies are so much fun. 

Last night we talked about the book for a while (A Circus in Winter), and the general concensus was "eh."  That took about ten minutes.  Then we picked a new book (Undead and Unwed), and then we gabbed for about two hours on a variety of topics such as:

- when do our teenage sons start secretly looking at porn on their various electronic devices and what we should do about it and HOW GROSS IS THAT?  (answers ranged from "ick, I would pretend I didn't know" to "I'd make him watch it with me and tell me if he thinks the actors' parents are proud of them."

- how some of our kids get bullied at school or are struggling with some pretty awful social situations and what we should do about it.  (general concensus:  take the low road and make the little fuckers hurting our little angels PAY.)

- if the show Game of Thrones is or is not about lesbians. (is not)

- don't buy boots from CheapUggs.com because apparently the little Chinese children who make them aren't very concerned about quality.

- a general inquiry into when in your life your eyebrow hairs and pubes stopped knowing that they aren't meant to grow long and luxurious, (after the first baby) and what happens when your surgeon sews your C-section scar crooked (long and luxurious pubes grow at a jaunty angle).

- what is anus bleaching, how did it get so stained anyway; and how terrible a job is that?

And my favorite quote from the whole night was

"I've always considered myself low-maintenance but after today I'm beginning to wonder."

That had me laughing all night.  Then we picked our next meeting place and went home.  I am refreshed for another month.  Then today Dana, our leader, sent out an email that summed up the night with bullet points for the ladies who didn't make it.  It was so funny I stole the idea for this post.  Thanks, Dana!  Thanks ladies!  See you next month!

Quiz

Which of the following are genuine Mitchisms?*

A.  "Bugs Bunny is just Mel Blanc doing his impression of Jack Benny."

B.  "Judging by their circular, I think I love Bed Bath and Beyond!"    

C.  Me:  How much money would you have to be paid to kiss Drew Carey full on the lips with just the    

              tiiiiiiinist bit of tongue~

     Mitch: (interrupting and not even taking one second to think about it) Thirty dollars.

D.  Me:  When we go to Bentleyville, can we hold hands?

     Mitch: No.

E.  "Bela Lugosi rarely steers us wrong, but he sure steered us wrong tonight."

* ǝʌoqɐ ǝɥʇ ɟo llɐ

Nutcracker

The other day when we were putting up the Christmas decorations, Kira opened a bag and after a sharp, startled intake of breath she said, "Oh my god, that scared me."  She was talking about the nutcracker she made in second grade.

"Cracking nuts with my mouth is my job. Do you find that disturbing?"

The thing is, I am positive I threw this in the garbage last year.  How did it get into its own bag and get tucked away with all the decorations?  I thought it was scary before, but now that I know it's haunted and has a mind of it's own, I'm terrified of it.  Especially since Kira gave me a tour of what she was thinking when she created it.

Brace yourself.....

Here's a close up of his face.  His mouth is off center and and his teeth are clenched because she says he's grunting.  Some of his teeth are black because she says they are rotten.  She tells me his skin is gray because "he's molting."

 I asked her to tell me about his clothes, thinking she would tell me about his buttons, but she tells me that originally his shirt was yellow, like his sleeves, but is now mostly red because of "all the blood."

 Here's a close-up of his dirty, gray, cottonball dreadlock.

Kira (at least I think it's Kira) has started moving him around and putting him places to startle me, like on my pillow,

or in the shower.  When a girl is naked and vulnerable the last thing she wants to see when she opens the shower curtain is this:

Sweet Jesus!

I want to throw it away again, but I'm afraid it will come back and then I will go out of my mind with terror.

Here it is telling me that it will leave me alone if I give him my first born son.  NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Blog Tutorial

Hi!  How are you guys today?  I've had a LOT of caffeine today!  I just got back from the Hmong New Year celebration here in Duluth. I earned some continuing education credits for my teaching license by going to it and immersing myself in another culture for a few hours.  I was the tallest person in the room by at least five or six inches.  It was fun and they were super nice to me.  My favorite part was a singing group of Hmong freshman at UMD who called themselves the "FreshHmong"

Anyhoo, I have some bloggy business to take care of because although I've had this blog for almost three years now, I've lately gotten some questions that lead me to believe some of my followers don't know all the neat things you can do on it.

First of all, you can always get back to the main page by simply clicking on the blog title at the very top of the page.

Did you just click on the picture of the title?  Well that's not what I was talking about.  The picture is only there to show you what the blog title looks like.  You need to pay better attention.

The blogger bar at the top, above the blog title, has some features that you might like:

Starting at the far left there is a blank space for you to type in any query you want and blogger will look up everything related to that query on the blog.  Try it now.  Type in "Mitch" and you will see all posts featuring Mitch.  See?  Neat!

Next is the follow button.  If you haven't clicked on that already, do it now.  Cool huh?  Don't you feel better now?  Next is the Report Abuse button which you will (probably) never have to use for this blog.  I don't abuse anyone.  The next thing is the Next Blog button.  That will take you to a random blogger blog that is somehow similar to mine.

On the right side there are spots where you can click to create your own blog or to sign in.

Underneath the blog title there are eight buttons.

Home is the homepage, the main page, the front page.  It shows the very latest thing posted on the blog and then after that the next most recent post etc. etc.

If you click on Reading List you will see an exhaustive list of books I have read with a short review, linked to Amazon where if you are interested you can buy them yourself or read a better review than I wrote.  The top entry is the latest book I read and it goes to the next most recent from there.

The Searches button is a list of crazy things that people have typed into to google and have been directed to my blog.  I think they are funny.

Under Characters is a list (with pictures!) of the people I talk about on the blog.  I should add more.

The Cartoons page features cartoons by Natalie Dee.  She cracks me up.

The FAQ button is a page with frequently asked questions.  Nobody asks me questions.  I made the whole thing up.  Actually, I asked people to ask me questions so I could make a FAQ page.  I think because I had just learned that FAQ means "frequently asked questions."  I was feeling pretty special that day.  Some people were kind enough to humor me and sent me some questions by they are not by any stretch frequently asked.

The find me page features links to other places on the internet that you can find me.  Click on any one of them and you will get to me.  But you're already here with me now, so why would you do that?  Are you obsessed with me or something?  Just kidding.  Friend me on Facebook.

The last button is a list of nicknames because I think they are funny.

If you go to any of these pages and panic and think to yourself, "OMG!  How do I get back to the main page?  What if she has posted something since I've been reading these FAQs or Cartoons?!  I must get back!" then you just click on the blog title, or on the Home button and you will get back to the main page.  See?  It's not so hard!

Sometime I link to other pages or to previous posts in a post.  When I do that you will be able to tell it is a link because it will be a different color like this.  If you see that, click on it and I could bring you to someplace WONDERFUL!

After each post is a little box with info in it like this:

Starting at the top left  this tells us that there have been three comments on this post.  The little envelope thingy can be clicked on if you want to email this post to someone.  The pencil is just for me.  You don't usually see it.  It is so I can edit the post if I want.  Then there are some buttons.  The M is for Gmail.  Click on it if you want to gmail the post to someone.  The B is for blogger.  If you have a blogger blog and want to blog about this or post this post on your blog, that's what you click on.  Next is a T for Twitter.  Click on it if you want to tweet the post.  And the last one is an F for Facebook.  If you click on it you will create a link to the post on your Facebook page.  Finally there is a button with a little 1 in it.  If you have a google account click on it and you will recommend the post to other google users.

Under that line is labels.  This is how I categorize each and every post.  They are cross referenced by subject and you can find all the subjects on the sidebar under the heading "Stuff I Write About"  If you click on any one of those, you will get all the posts I categorized under that heading.

The last line is for reactions to the post.  I just put a "like" button like Facebook has because people are used to that and I don't want to know if people think my posts suck because I can't handle it, so I didn't put a "this sucks" button on.  Just like.  Click it now.  See how it works?

Next let's look at the sidebar to the right.  I have too much stuff cluttering up my sidebar but that's just the way it is.  The top is widgets you can click if you want to subscribe to the posts or the comments.  I'm not really sure if these work properly because I don't subscribe to my own blog and I've never used them on other blogs because I just add them to my Google Reader and they automatically show up there.

Next is a StumbeUpon button.  I don't know how to use StumbleUpon and every time I try I feel like a total idiot, but if you have a StumbleUpon account and click on the button you list the post on the Stumble website and I get loads of hits.

Next is a Twitter button.  If you click it you will be directed to my Twitter page and you can follow me there.  I'm kind of a dud on Twitter.  I don't post much.  I'm too wordy.

Next is the heading "Sometimes I'm kind of funny" and below that are links to my personal favorite posts that I have written.

Under the heading "Stuff I Write About" is stuff I write about.  The headings I told you about before.

Next is a spot for me to brag about my blogging accomplishments.  This was listed as one of MBAOnline's top twenty humor blogs of 2010.  And I was nominated for a Best Humor Blog for the Blogger's Choice awards.

Next is my complete blog archive. You can see every post I've ever written by clicking on the links.

Next is the followers area.  These are people who have clicked on the "Join this site" button.  I love when people do that.

Next under the heading "Best Blogs Ever" are links to the blogs I love to read.  The top is the most recently updated.

After that are some pictures, a little thing about me, the blogger and my pageview counter.

So there you have it!  A Blogger blog tutorial!

The Head of our Fathers or God Bless A-Mitch-ica

This is what happens when we get cash:

Oh my god...

Jib Jab Jingle Bell

It's not even December and I'm already getting in the holiday spirit!  And when I say I'm in the holiday spirit, I mean that I've been playing with Jib Jab, making my favorite holiday cards.  Here's some screen shots from the one I made of my parents, sisters and me:



The Whole Family



Dad and Mom

Dad, rocking out

The whole fam again

If you want to see the whole card, click on this link.

Now I'm at work in a math class and the kids have an assignment and they are actually doing it and being quiet so I was playing around and made another one.  I don't have my computer here at school, but I have my own school account, but I don't have access to very many of my own pictures so I just took some off my blog.  This one is me, Mitch and a honey badger.  Here's some screen shots:

You can see this card at this link. Next I think I'll make one with Kira and a couple of chickens. 

Now go and make your own cards and paste them on to Facebook and then make sure to friend me on facebook so I can laugh too.

Kira in the Car

We came home from our Thanksgiving weekend yesterday and I had to take a picture of this.  This is how Kira holds her iPod when she watches Balto and wants to give her hands a little rest.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Remember last year when I liveblogged Thanksgiving?  Well, there hasn't been quite that much excitement this year.  My dad doesn't have any revelations for us like last year when he shared with us that L.L. Cool J. means "The Lady Loves Cool James," but we did have a nice conversation about mean things teachers used to do to kids back in the good ole days.  My dad said that when he was in school he had a little, mean woman teacher that was an ex-marine and he said, "She had skin like a marine, too," whatever that means, Dad.  Anyway, one day a kid was tipping back on his chair and he fell over backwards and this woman said ominously, "Pick your chair up.  Sit in it.  Tip it back." and made him repeatedly pick it up, sit in it and tip it back and fall until he started crying.  Beth got spanked in front of the whole class in first grade because she tripped a kid named Rusty when he was passing out papers. 

Last year was also the year that my dad and I played that fateful game of social chicken that ended with us both going to the winter parade.  I thought he learned his lesson but he wrote me this email yesterday:

Sarah:

FYI: Just read this in the Journal:

"Twas the Night Before Christmas Parade & Parade Party. 7:00 PM Friday evening followed by the All-New After-Parade Family Party. S'Mores,marshmallow roasting, hot chocolate. Just thought you might like to know for your planning purposes. Dad

Dad, don't dare me to go again because I WILL and DAMMIT I WILL BRING YOU WITH ME AND WE WILL STAY UNTIL THE BITTER END WHEN WE ARE BOTH STUFFED WITH S'MORES, HOT CHOCOLATE, NEW FRIENDS AND HOLIDAY CHEER.  Don't play with fire, old man.  YOU WILL LOSE.

THOR and Twilight: Movie Reviews

I didn't think I'd ever see Thor because it looked so stupid.  Then I saw that Natalie Portman was in it and she doesn't usually steer me wrong.  And Kenneth Branagh directed it and he's pretty good, so I thought I'd give it a chance.

Thor is a space god; nay, a NORSE space god.  His dad, Odin, wants to retire and make Thor the king but on the very DAY that Thor is going to assume the throne, King Laufey, a space frost god/giant gets in to Odin's weapon's room and tries to steal some glowy blue thingy that everyone is in love with.  Thor wants to kick ass and take names, but Odin wants to avoid war so he banishes Thor to the human realm on earth for being impetuous and arrogant.  BUT, just to give Thor some hope, he sends his super-duper hammer down too. I don't know if you knew this about Thor, but to him every problem is a nail and his hammer is always the solution.  He's heavy handed.  He falls in love with Natalie Portman and to save her life and to save earth he has to destroy the rainbow space bridge to earth.  With his hammer.  Of course.  Natalie Portman, you let me down.

I also saw Breaking Dawn Part I this weekend.  It was a must-see for anyone who has read the books and already invested time and money in to seeing the other movies.  It got horrible reviews, which I can understand because there were some parts during the movie where I was hanging my head and pretending I was doing something else because it was especially embarrassing.  Like when the werewolf pack got together in a tense meeting and telepathically yelled/real-life growled at each other.  It reminded me of the old Transformer cartoons that I never watched when I was little because they were so ridiculous.

In this movie Edward, the 100 year old vampire stuck in the body of a 17 year old boy, finally marries the love of his life, human 18 year old Bella Swan.  They have a gorgeous wedding and then go on a honeymoon and finally consummate their relationship which, if you don't know this about vampires, they are super strong and so Edward is wary of doing it with Bella because he's afraid she'll get hurt, which she does.  She gets all bruised up but she's totally in to it because she's a masochist.

Soon she finds out she is pregers with a demon/vampire baby that is consuming her from the inside out.  Edward is shocked that she got pregnant because he didn't know that sex sometimes results in pregnancy even though he's been taking high school health classes for about 80 years. Way to go, Edward!  He is worried about Bella because the baby seems to be killing her which was disturbing to watch because Bella really did look skeletal and deathly for about half the movie.  The gestation only lasts a few weeks because fyi: vampire-human embryos/fetuses/infants/children grow at an astronomical rate.  The baby is breaking Bella's bones and when she finally has to deliver, the baby breaks her spine with a kick or something and they can't get the baby out because the birth sac is made of vampire skin and so is impenetrable by anything other than vampire teeth so Edward has to chew the baby out.  Literally, chew the baby out of Bella's stomach. Bella is dying from blood loss and trauma and shock so Edward has to try to save her life by plunging a syringe of vampire venom directly into her heart to change her into a vampire which will heal all her injuries and make her immortal.  It works.  The end.

Breaking Dawn Part II comes out next year and then we find out what Bella's special vampire talent is (she's a shield) and there is the ultimate vampire/werewolf war.  Will the Cullen's come out on top?  (yes) Will Edward and Bella be happily married? (yes) Will their baby go nuts and kill every human in a 200 mile range? (I wish)  We'll see!

Miscellaneous

I've been sitting here in a chair by the fireplace dozing like a grandpa, periodically waking myself up with snorts, trying to recover from an injury.  I somehow pulled a muscle in my groin which makes me think that I must sleep walk or have a split personality who thinks she can actually do the splits because there is no way I did anything to cause myself this much pain while I was conscious.  I didn't even know I had a groin.  I thought that was in the realm of hernias and testicles, but I googled it, and women do have groins.  It's basically just your crotch/upper/inner thigh muscles.  Everyone has those.  Bet you didn't know that, did you?

Mitch left me.  For the weekend.  God, I can't believe you thought I meant he "LEFT me" left me.  Why don't you have any faith in our marriage?  Anyway, he took the kids to the cities because Kira has a hockey tournament.  So I'm here all alone and injured.  HEAR THAT, INTERNET PREDATORS!?!

I saw a bear this morning running across the road while I was driving to work.  It was pretty exciting especially because he wasn't in my yard destroying my property.  They are beautiful and majestic when they are in someone else's yard.

I've been spending my convalescing time googling stuff like groin and hernia.  (FYI - make sure that when you want to know about hernias, you're not on Google Images because OMG FOR GROSS.)  Earlier today I was looking at pictures of tigers because of the book I just read, and I saw a picture of a liger, which is a hybrid of a tiger and a lion and they grow to be enormous.  Like 800 pounds of giant scary cat.  So then I got interested in seeing other animal hybrids so I googled "animal hybrids" and I spent about the next twenty minutes laughing.  People are so funny.  I don't know what is real and not real.  Here's one I suspect is real:

A cow/buffalo hybrid.  Yeah, I can see that.  That could happen.  Buffalo are a lot like cattle.  This looks like a reasonable hybrid.  I believe it.

Next, a zebra/horse.  Do I believe this is real?  Yeah, I think I do.  I like it.

But do I really believe that a beagle and a squirrel had a baby with a squirrel body and a beagle head that loves to hold Milk Bones in his tiny squirrel hands?  I don't think I do. I suspect someone has photoshopped this.

Okay, I do not believe this one.  The reason is that if a chicken and a cat had a baby its head would not be that big.  That's just ridiculous.

These two made me laugh.  A tweety-bird and a shark.  Come on.  That's not real. Where does it live?  Apparently it's a walker wherever it lives.  I can tell by the shoes.  And the lion/hamster, I love it.  It's so fierce and adorable and again with the shoes.  Animals in shoes are hilarious.  If my groin didn't hurt so much I would put some shoes on my dog right now.

I think this is supposed to be a camel/eagle/tweety hybrid.  Don't believe it.

This one I DO NOT believe AT ALL.  For one thing, T-rexs are extinct and even if they weren't, a T-rex would NOT like a kangaroo.  If it was real I don't think its arms would just hang out of its neck and what really gives this picture away is that the baby kangaroo doesn't look anything like a T-rex.  In fact, most hybrid animals can't even breed, so, there you go.  REFUTED.  In fact, I don't believe most of the pictures I saw.

No.

No.

No.

I wish.

Ick.

No. (thank god)

Come on.

Mommy and Son Time

I pick Sam up from school every day.  It's about a 15 minute drive back home and I think NPR is conspiring to make us feel uncomfortable and not make eye-contact by playing creepy, sexual news stories whenever the two of us are in the car together.  Today there was a story all about how this gang in Washington DC is driving runaway girls into prostitution at younger and younger ages.  They said that these poor 12 and 13 year old girls will be pimped out 15 or 16 times a day.  It's good for the gangs because it brings in thousands of dollars and there is virtually no overhead except for the drugs and alcohol to keep the girls compliant (good business plan!).  Sam and I really enjoyed that story so much.  Other things we've learned about while riding home from school:

1. Exactly what Herman Cain did to the woman in the car from the woman herself. Thanks Gloria Allred!  You're such a great advocate for your clients!

2.  Incidence of sexual assaults at Occupy Wallstreet protests.

3. Clitorectomies

4. Exactly what Mr. McCreary witnessed in that Penn State locker room IN GRAPHIC DETAIL.

5. Systemic rape in war-torn Islamic countries.

6.  How important it is to give your adolescent children he HPV virus and why, in graphic detail.

Usually we don't acknowledge the stories because then we will be letting the other one know we are listening to it, but sometimes (clitorectomies) Sam gives up and says, "Can I change the channel?" and he changes it to a music station where we can hear all about how Bruno Mars wants to have some really nice sex with a really nice girl, or how Rihanna likes to have sadomasochistic sex.  Yay!  You might think that these would be "teachable moments" but I never planned on teaching my 14 year old about clitorectomies or sadomasochism so I didn't need the icebreaker, thanks anyway, Radio.  

Oh well, when Mitch was a teenager his mom saw an Oprah show about how teen boys were accidentally dying because of practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation.  His mom said she'd never forgive herself if she didn't warn her boys of the dangers of choking yourself while masturbating, so she sat them down and they had that awkward conversation.  Mitch started walking around all the time with a rope around his neck.   He still does.  

That's a funny story.  I'm going to go tell it to Sam.  

Cup O Joe

Kira has to be outside at the bus stop before the sun comes up.  Doesn't that seem a bit harsh?  It is.  It's brutal.  Now it's getting to be winter so it's getting cold and it's still pitch dark when she's out there waiting. She HATES it.  She's tired and cold and understandably doesn't want to get on a stupid school bus before seven a.m.  The other day while I was pouring myself a cup of coffee she said, "I'm so cold, pour me a cup-o-joe will ya?"  So I did.  Then she said, "I'm not going to be able to finish this before the bus comes so I'm just going to drink it outside and then I'll put the cup in the grass and you can pick it up later, okay?"  So that's what she did.  She took her little penguin mug outside and drank her morning cup-o-joe while waiting for the bus.  And now she does it every day. Weird?  A little bit.  I wanted to take a picture of her but it's pitch dark and cold outside.  I'm not going out there!  Are you nuts?!

I love the internet

Isn't the internet wonderful?  It has made my life so much richer in so many ways, but none quite like this:

These are postcards sent to me by fellow-blogger Kady at A Lady Reveals Nothing.  She found a website called Postcardly that makes postcards from pictures you download and sends them to the people you tell it to.  Nothing is quite as delightful as being surprised by a postcard made from a horrible picture and sent to you via snail mail, which is a novelty these days.  Kady had a comment contest (or something, I can't really remember because I didn't win the big prize) but if you commented on one of her posts, she would send you a postcard of herself.  I requested the bikini pic and on the back she wrote:

If it's bikini you want, then it's bikini you'll get (Lesbo.)  Thanks for reading my stupid blog.  I read your stupid blog too.  Every single post.  Which means you sort of owe me a 'bikini in a waterfall' photo."

 I cracked up when I got my postcard and it has been on my fridge ever since.  Recently Kady got a new iPhone that she uses mostly to tell Siri she pooped her pants, but also to take pictures of herself using the Fatbooth app.  I love her fat pics so much and I said something about how I would like a postcard of her fat face so she sent me one!  Wow!  What a treat!  Seeing her fat face in my mailbox made my whole week! Thanks Kady!  And you will NEVER get a picture of me in a bikini.  Sorry!

Book Review

I am reading the BEST BOOK right now.  It is called The Tiger, A True Story of Vengeance and Survival by John Vaillant.  It is about tigers and people who live in the forests of the far eastern Russia.  About a decade ago a man named Markov, who lived in the woods, came across a dead boar, an obvious tiger kill and he took the hocks.  Apparently that is a big no-no because tigers don't like when you steal from them and they know who did it. Markov kept one of the hocks for himself and brought the other one to a logging camp near his home. The tiger stalked Markov for days, destroyed all property with his scent on it, including his latrine, killed his dogs, killed him, ATE HIM, and then stalked the loggers who had the other hock.

The book tells the story of Markov and the tiger and the Tiger Inspection team, but it also tells a very compelling story of how predators and people have gotten along through time.  The chapter I read yesterday outlined the idea of ethology, a concept introduced by a guy named Jacob van Uexkull.  The idea is that all creatures share a common environment, but their realities inside that environment are vastly different.  He says it's like if you blew a bubble around each creature that is full of the perceptions which it alone knows.  His example is of a woman and her dog walking down the street.  She notices a for sale sign, a policeman coming toward her or a broken bottle in her path, whereas the dog notices the scent of cooked meat coming from a restaurant, urine on a pole and crumbs on the sidewalk.  The two are walking down the same path but having vastly different experiences.  The same goes for every creature.  Predators need to get into the minds (or bubbles) of their prey in order to successfully hunt it.  Tigers are especially clever when they do this, so if a tiger decides you look delicious and he's really hungry, or you have wronged him in some way, he is going to get revenge, you are pretty much dead meat.  It's fascinating.  Apparently tigers and people who live in the same environment have had sort of a deal not to kill each other for thousands of years, but sometimes people or tigers break the deal and then watch out!

I have about half the book left to read because apparently this tiger isn't done hunting people.  Yikes!  Can you imagine knowing that a tiger was out there coming for you?  When the Tiger inspection people were investigating the "crime scene" they noticed fresh tiger tracks all around.  They knew the tiger was close, that he considered Markov his kill and the people were interfering with it.  When they realized this, they knew the tiger was probably watching them but they couldn't see it anywhere.  Just then they heard a deep growl that seemed to come from all around.  They left the scene to try to figure out what to do next.  SOOOO scary!

There was also another interesting story in the book about predators and prey.  A scientist was interested in learning why baboons, who have so much bravado in the light of day, stay hidden in caves at night to avoid big cats.  He wanted to see what it would take to get them to go out in the dark, so this man hid in the cave during the day and then after the troop of baboons came in and went to sleep he jumped out and scared the crap out of them.  They totally freaked out, but they would not leave the cave so apparently whatever was inside the cave with them was not as scary as what was outside in the dark.  I don't know how wise it is to scare a bunch of baboons in an enclosed space, but I guess the guy proved his point.  Baboons know how scary big cats can be and will sacrifice one or two inside the cave with the scary unknown rather than risk the loss of the whole troop outside in the dark with the lions.  Spooooooookkkkyyyyyy!!!

I highly recommend this book.  It is very suspenseful and written very well.