Friday, October 23, 2009


I am 39 years old and I have just realized that what I always thought was the "panhandle" of Florida, isn't really the handle, it's the pan. I always thought the main part of the state, the part that juts down into the ocean was the panhandle. I thought it was called the panhandle and the whole rest of the United States was the pan, and I always thought that was a stupid name, because that's an awfully small handle for such a big pan. But now I learn that the handle is actually the upper part of Florida and the part I thought was the panhandle is the pan.

Now, let's talk about Texas. There is a panhandle on Texas too, but is it the bottom? Or is it the top square part? Is it the side?

Don't get all smug and pretend you have always known what the panhandle of Texas is, because right now you are a little unsure.

If this is the whole pan then I think New England would be a good handle. Florida definitely wouldn't. It would crack right off and, whoa, then you'd be mad! The bottom part of Texas would be a sturdy handle, but I bet if the pan was really hot, you'd burn your hand because it's a little short. You know what would be a good handle? Mexico.


  1. Yeah, we'd be wicked faahkin' irritated if you broke us off.

  2. OMG, Mexico would make a great handle! But, do you really think they'd WANT to be our handle? I mean, don't you think cleaning our hotel rooms, pulling our weeds, and picking our tomatoes is enough??? (No offense to any highly educated, professional Mexicans reading this...I'm on your side!!!) How much forced servitude can we really expect?? Maybe we should ask Canada? Even though, as a handle, they are not ideally placed, it might be a better option, seeing as we've never asked them for ANYTHING. Do we need a handle? OK, I need more coffee. Or less.


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