"When Feasible"

State officials: Schools can open on Monday! Yay! Schools are so important to a functional society!

School employees: Oh great! This must mean that the infection rate is down! We did it! We worked and sacrificed together as a society for the common good! The pandemic is finally over!!!

State official: Well, not exactly. But we have gone from “unchecked spread” to “escalating spread,” What a success story! Yahoo!

School employees: …. Um…. okay, but it will be okay because employees will all get the vaccine before the schools open though, right?

State officials: Nope!

School employees: Alright, then that must mean that in the year we have been closed,  HVAC systems have been improved or replaced to reduce the risk of catching an airborne virus, …. Right?

State Officials: Nope! (Not unless you had a bake sale to pay for it. Haha!)

School Employees: Okay, well surely at least enough N95 respirator masks have been acquired for everyone that spends time in a public school building. 

State officials: Nope! But remember that mask drive where the kids crafted homemade masks with the scraps from their grandma’s sewing baskets? Wear those! (Better wear two.) Oh, come to think of it, the state provided you with a little blue surgical mask in September! Wear that!

School employee: Wow. Geez. Will we have access to some kind of affordable health care in case we get sick?

State officials: Sure! You have the health plan you’ve always had! 

School employees: You mean the one that has a $6500 deductible? The one we pay $12000 in premiums for? That one?

State officials: That’s the one! But try not to miss too much work if you do get sick or you could be terminated and lose it. FYI! Stay safe! Maintain 6 feet of social distance! (when feasible). 

Public: IF YOU’RE TOO SCARED TO DO YOUR JOB, THEN QUIT AND SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO IT!

School employees: Really? Who?... 

Public: SOMEONE ELSE! YOU HAVE NO SPECIAL SKILLS! ANYONE CAN DO WHAT YOU DO! 

School employees: We're "scared"? Seriously? But what about the mandatory lockdown drills where we are supposed to pile the kids up in a closet and bar the door armed with a stapler and a three-hole-punch to fight off an armed intruder? We do that every year. That's pretty scary, not to mention the idea that we are drilling to prepare for ARMED INTRUDERS AT SCHOOL because that's a real thing that happens regularly. Come to think of it, how can we maintain social distance during those drills; or any kind of drill?

State officials: We did say “when feasible.” Geez, nitpick much? 

Public: GET TO WORK!!!!! MY TAXES PAY YOUR SALARY! YOU WORK FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE!

School employees: But… we have been working all year; teaching over the black box hell that is Zoom class.

State Officials and public: Also, kids are really suffering out of school. Their mental health is in free fall because you won’t go to work in your classrooms. This is your fault. You doing your job the same way it has been done for a hundred years is the only way to combat this problem. There are no other causes or solutions to the mental health crisis youth are facing; it is 100% because you keep asking questions and refuse to JUST GO TO WORK. 

School employees: Uh,... yeah… a pandemic is devastating for ….. everyone, not just kids who can’t go to school in their school building; but I take your point and I am more than willing to do my part for the mental health of our kids. We should definitely work together to solve this problem. Could we hold off on standardized testing maybe? That’s pretty arduous in the best of times. 

State officials: NO. We need a way to hold schools accountable and arbitrary standardized testing provided by giant private companies is the only way to do that. You suck. You do a bad job (as the results of standardized tests tell us) and we have never needed anything more than for you to go back to work right now. But please be safe. (When feasible)

Public: We don't really care about the standardized testing, but we concur: you do suck.

School Employees: ... Well. Okay, but can we get some sort of compensation like combat pay, or get paid more for delivering hybrid and in-person instruction? That's pretty demanding and is a lot more work. And since we are so vital perhaps compensating teachers for taking on additional risk and more work is a fiscal priority.

State officials: No. We're sorry, that is not feasible.

Quarantine day FORTY

Well, it's day forty of quarantine. If the word was any indication this would be the last day and we should be out in the streets celebrating. Not that I want that. I'm going stir crazy but I am glad that the state of Minnesota has proceeded through this nightmare keeping science and people's lives at the forefront. I don't know if I have to say this but our president is a fucking moron. Just yesterday he said that perhaps people could inject disinfectant and doctors should really be looking at that. Jesus.

The lockdown took another major downturn on Monday when my mom went into the hospital. She didn't want to go but she has had trouble breathing since her hospitalization in December for pneumonia. About a month ago she mentioned that her blood oxygen levels were in the 60s percentage-wise and everyone freaked out and told her to GO TO THE HOSPITAL but she wouldn't because all this corona virus mess was starting up and she didn't want to use resources or be in a hospital with this horrible virus going around. So she stopped talking about her blood oxygen levels.

Last weekend my dad said he was in a constant cold sweat because she was in such bad shape so he told her she was going to go to the doc whether she liked it or not. She didn't like it. He called the hospital to see what the protocol is for bringing in a patient during a pandemic. He was to drop her off at the ER and they would come get her to see the doctor. As soon as she got in the emergency room she stopped breathing and had to be intubated. She was in bad shape so they decided to fly her to Duluth because they have intensive care units at our hospitals here. She's been here since Monday on a ventilator with little change. It's incredibly sad, but more so because she can't have any visitors. There are no visitors allowed in the hospital at all. I've seen stories on the news where families visit loved ones through the windows at care centers, but she's on the seventh floor, so unless I get a helium balloon or start flappin' that's not going to happen. It's all so tragic and horrible.

Quarantine sucks. 

Quarantine: Day 34

Kira and I have played an amazing amount of Mario Kart on the Wii for the last month. We have unlocked characters and cars nobody knew were even there. We have discovered cheats and short cuts. And we both have experienced the excruciating pain of keeping your eyes open too long with dirty contacts because we don't want to blink and miss a turn or a jump. We were watching the movie Aladdin the other night and there was a scene where Jasmine was teary-eyed at the thought of her kingdom being run by (whoever the bad guy is, geez, am I supposed to remember everything!) and Kira said, "I wish my eyes were that wet when we play Mario Kart," and I laughed and laughed. She played so hard one night that a contact lens fell out and she couldn't find it. I found it today on the kitchen floor.

Distance learning for my students is really starting to suck for me. Today, nay, I should say, last night at about 10:30 a parent emailed me asking where her student could find the information (Read chapter four of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) she needed to answer the question I had as an assignment today. I gave the books out to students before we started distance learning but this student didn't pick one up. No problem! It's in the public domain and online! I graciously took a screenshot of the slide in my slideshow where her daughter, and all the students can find that information and more! As you can see, I linked the chapter, AS WELL as an audio link to the chapter, AS WELL as TWO links to summary and analysis. AS WELL as a link to Sparknotes. But they couldn't find the information.

I replied to her email and told her to have her student look in the slideshow that I took hours painstakingly making and she would find the links. She said they couldn't find it. You know why they couldn't find it? Because they didn't look. Every other kid seemed to have no trouble finding the chapter. Even if I was a total coaster and didn't post links and just said, "Find the book Jekyll and Hyde and read chapter four" that would not be an unreasonable thing to ask them to do because it is, as I've already said, in the public domain and a simple Google search of "Jekyll Hyde Chapter 4" brings dozens of results. I have amended my Jekyll and Hyde unit so the kids have to answer ONE question per chapter instead of several among other activities, and still I get complaints. Well, "complaint, (singular)" but it still riles  me up. The nerve. I know exactly what happened too. This kid told her parent, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do," which is a total lie because I haven't changed the basic format of the course from when we were at school, and the parent believed her and got busy on email before she could do her own research. I get it. People are tense. I am tense. I understand. But still. 

For the most part though, school has been okay. I miss my students desperately and I miss being in the classroom with them, but they have been doing alright. Another colleague asked her tenth grade advisory if they were getting too much, not enough, or just the right amount of work in their courses and 100% of her students said that they were getting the right amount in English. No other department had 100%. It's tremendous. All the people are saying it's the best department ever. The results are unprecedented.... oh, sorry. I just forced myself to watch a national press conference and also, on an unrelated note, I'm just a tiny bit drunk. 

Quarantine: Day 25

We have been on lockdown for 25 days now. That seems so surreal to write and sounds way worse than it has actually been, in some ways. We are very comfortable and the three of us get along quite well so it has been not unpleasant. I have friends with small children who are really having a hard time. I can't imagine. Actually, my kids were both pretty easy and I had no qualms about benign neglect so I don't think it would have been terrible with my kids.

I have been positive at times that I am in the midst of my own personal fight against Covid 19, but I don't really think so. I think I have spring allergies (and always have) but now I am hyper conscious of every single cough and ache. I guess fever is the real test and I have not had a fever. Except when I get hot flashes. Then I have a fever of about 600 for about two minutes. But it goes away pretty fast.

Some days I've been so despondent and/or furious about this whole thing. I know pandemics happen and we are vulnerable to novel viruses once in a while, but when I watch the daily press briefings from the White House or hear about them on the late night comedy shows I get so MAD. How is this happening to us? Why does my government suggest that in the face of a potentially deadly virus I should fucking CRAFT my own personal protective equipment? How is that acceptable? Yesterday the Wisconsin primary election was held because the criminals in the Republican party got the state Supreme Court and the federal Supreme Court to say they had to have in person voting. The courts met online to make the decision that the people of Wisconsin had to vote in person during a lockdown caused by a pandemic. I hope that someday in the not-to-distant future those criminals are made to answer for this and I hope they have to pay with prison time.

We have been watching movies (Frozen II, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Zootopia, etc.) and watching some good shows (West World, Ozark, Schitt's Creek, Outlander) to keep us busy. I have also been working on jigsaw puzzles, and I'm so obsessed with the one I'm currently working on that I missed a meeting yesterday because I lost track of the time; and at night when I close my eyes to go to sleep I see puzzle pieces. I don't hate it. I have also been trying to work from home but it is very difficult to focus and keep organized. It will take some getting used to. Mitch has been extremely busy with work and thank goodness for that. I was worried that people wouldn't call for his services because so many people are out of work, but that does not seem to be the case.

That's about it for day 25. 

A day in the life of an expendable human

I'm kind of getting in the groove of staying at home and I think that my calling is to be a stay-at-home teacher. Of course, we haven't even started teaching yet, but we will soon. I really enjoy making lesson plans. I've been in contact with most of my students as well so I'm actually kind of excited for this to start to see how it happens. I have been asking my kids a question of the day on our virtual classroom just to reel them in and get them to look at their email every day. Today I asked them to send me pics of their at-home work space and their pets. This was for a few reasons: I want to see pet pictures because who wouldn't? And I want to see their work spaces so they make sure to have one, and I want them to send me pictures to make sure they have at least a fundamental knowledge of how to use the internet and the basic technology we will be using. I saw lots of cats and dogs, a chinchilla, fish, and some kind of crazy lizard. I also heard from one straight A student that she does not know how to attach a picture to an email. We assume kids are good at using technology, but for the most part, they are not.

I am listening to the governor right now talk about the details of our current shelter in place order.  It's so surreal. And what is even more surreal is that the shithead in the White House thinks we should sacrifice lives for the sake of the economy. I thought to myself, "Well, this will make all those MAGA idiots finally see him for what a crass, immoral dickhead that he is!" but no. They are falling into line behind him saying that it is important to spare the economy. Do they not know that he is talking about THEM? US? The little people who couldn't get a Covid test unless we were at death's door even as entire NBA teams get tested because....? And even if we were at death's door, many of us would be told to go home and not to come to a hospital unless it was dire. I read a tweet the other day that said the best way to find out if you have Covid is to cough in a rich person's face.

While I have been setting up my online classroom with my colleagues, we have made contingency plans in case we get sick. There are at least two other adult staff members that have administrative access to our online classroom sites in case we start to fall ill to this pandemic.

I hope that if I go at least Carnival Cruise Lines or Boeing gain some points on the stock market. That would make it all worth it.

Capitalism is so great, you guys. So glad we aren't fucking socialists. 

Home Office

I spent the better part of the day making a home office/classroom today. Kira is letting me use her desk and I scavenged the rest from my desk at school and from around home.  I brought a bunch of art from school to put on the wall that will be behind me when I remote teach and have meetings.

Other than that it has been a blah day. This pandemic can go fuck itself. 

Quarantine Games

Kira and Mitch and I went over to visit Mitch's parents today. Don't worry, we observed social distancing rules - brought our own thermos of coffee and our own cups, sat at least 6 feet apart outside on the deck.

The roof was dripping so Kira and I made up a new game called, "Slapping the Drip." It was fun. It evolved into "Clapping the Drip" and "Kicking the Drip."

"Kicking the Drip" is really hard because you can't follow the drip from the eave with your eyes, you just have to anticipate. 

Then Kira climbed up into the bed of Mitch's truck and rummaged through stuff that was back there and asked if I wanted to play a new game called, "Pipe Fight." I declined for today. Maybe on day 514 of Quarantine I will reassess. 

Scenes from a Marriage: Quarantine Edition

Questions asked throughout any given day...

Do you think this is a fever or a hot flash, feel my head.

What day is it?

What should we have for breakfast?

Are you going to shower today?

I am putting this deodorant on for YOU.

Do we have a thermometer? 

What should I have for lunch?

Did you hear that? Would you call that a dry cough?

Is my head hot? 

Is it still March?

What should we have for dinner?

Do we still have to wash our hands if we don't go out? 

Is this the thermometer we put in the kid's butts when they were babies? 

Do we need more toilet paper? 

This thermometer says my temp is 37 degrees. That can't be good, can it?

How much butter is too much butter? 

Will you feel my forehead? 

Is it too early to go to bed?

Downtime

With all this downtime spent quarantined at home, we all have time to get intimately engaged in civil society. Find out who your state and federal representative are and write to them! Here are ours in Duluth, MN:

And here is today's letter for them: 

Hello Senator,
My name is Sarah Lindahl and I am a teacher in Duluth. I am writing today to ask for assistance for me and for my students and fellow colleagues in a few ways in light of the times we are living in now.

The first issue is health care. People need universal health care and we need our leaders to fight for that for us right now. I am on an email chain with other school leaders who are trying to navigate work issues in the time of online education. A few were discussing ways that they could legally lay off an hourly nutrition worker who said he will not be reporting to school to serve lunches because his wife is pregnant and he doesn't want to risk exposing her to the virus. Budgets are so tight that school leaders have to contemplate laying off people who depend on the health benefits provided through their employers for their health care. Often times (as in my case) these health plans are not great. My plan has a 6500 dollar deductible. I have five paid sick days. If I get sick, I understand that the current protocol is to test for every respiratory illness before testing for COVID 19. MPR had an interview with a woman who went through exactly that situation and her medical bills were upwards of 15,000 just for testing and primary care. I can't afford to pay for all kinds of tests right now. We need universal health care.

The second issue is internet. Internet service should be a public utility. I am currently directed to develop online curriculum for my classes and today discovered that my expensive so-called unlimited data plan at home is by no means unlimited (Viasat/Exede), but it could be if I paid even more. How many of our students and other teachers are going to be faced with this in the coming weeks? Will students be penalized for not having adequate internet service? Will teachers be penalized because they are being gouged by internet providers who are leaning on their misleading policies to justify gouging their customers? Is there a law against price gouging in MN? There should be. Internet is now a public utility and our lawmakers should be working to make laws that allow Minnesotans in every tax bracket equal access to the internet.

Finally, I know this may seem forward and perhaps prying, but you work for us so I'm going to ask anyway: What is your health deductible? How many paid sick days do you have? How does your situation compare with most of the people in Minnesota? Is there anything hampering you from meeting minimum requirements at work or for your family? What can your constituents expect from you during this crisis? Do you have measurable goals? We do. You should too. I'd really like to hear about what you are doing for your constituents during this crisis.
Sarah Lindahl

Feel free to copy and paste and use for your representatives too.

INTERNET THROTTLING!!!!

I got up this morning and went online to watch late night comics while I drank my coffee, like I usually do, and the video I was trying to watch kept buffering. "What the hell?..." I said. Then I checked internet usage which I shouldn't even have to do since I am paying through the nose for the "unlimited data" plan, which, it turn out, is anything but unlimited. My cycle turns over on March 24. So until then I have to live with stuttering, haphazard internet. Normally, I would say, "Man, this sucks," and go on my phone and not even think about it again, but now I am stuck at home all the time. AND I am supposed to be developing online curriculum for my students. I contacted the company (Viasat/Exede) and was told that it is their policy for our particular plan to throttle after the user has used so many GBs in the month. So.... the unlimited plan is NOT unlimited. Seems like false advertising to me.

I then used the email address school leaders got that is a direct line to the Minnesota Department of Education and told them that a potential problem with the whole online school for everyone thing will be internet providers trying to gouge customers by selling them expensive unlimited data plans that aren't actually unlimited, and then telling them that if they don't want to be limited, they should buy the EXTRA unlimited Golden Super plan for more money. Many school districts on tight budgets are currently having to buy hotspots for students who don't have access to internet. If the whole thing is resting on internet companies who are trying to profit then it will not work. The state should be working on making internet a public utility.

End of rant.

Kira and I went to Home Depot to get painting supplies so she can move into Sam's old room which is about twice as big as her current room. We were very sanitary about the whole thing - hand sanitizer, lysol spray, and clorox wipes go with us everywhere now. No deep breaths. She is diligently cleaning, spackling, and sanding her new digs even as I write this. We will paint later today and she will probably be able to move in tomorrow. 

Pacing Ourselves... Day 3?

Howdy. I've been thinking about how I am going to teach my class online. I'm not very worried about it; I think I will be able to provide plenty for them to do to reach the Common Core standards we are required to teach. My mainstream class will read Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and all of that unit that I do every year in person can be done remotely pretty easily. It won't be the same or as good, but it will suffice, I hope. We were also going to do a mini-unit on how to do well on standardized tests, but I'm letting that go by the wayside for now because I suspect the Minnesota Comprehensive Assessments will be canceled this year. If not, I can pretty easily do that remotely as well.

I would like the students to also keep a journal of their experience now because hopefully something like this will never happen again and it is something I think they will be glad they had a personal record of. I am trying to come up with a list of questions they can answer that will inspire them to write more than, "I slept in and then played video games all day." So I'm trying to think of good questions.

We don't have to- no, we are not allowed to- start "school" again until the end of March. Now is the time to develop and research ideas and I'm grateful for the time to do it.

Our school is part of a cooperative of other charter schools across the state and there is correspondence between the schools about issues surrounding the closure. One letter I read today was from a school leader who has a problem because their nutrition coordinator (lunch guy) decided not to come in to work anymore because his wife is pregnant and he doesn't want to put her at risk. The leader will have to hire someone else to come in and do that job because someone has to come and make the kids' lunch and serve it to them. He was looking for ways to get out of paying the guy. So shitty. But that's what happens when schools are forced to function on budgets that don't allow for taking care of their employees. And then, to add insult to injury, public charter schools are required to jump through additional hoops to make it harder to "steal" students from the home district. We have to hold 20% of our revenue back and keep it in the bank. We can be shut down if we don't let that 20% sit in the bank. Regular public schools don't have to do that. If they run a deficit for three years the state will take over their budgeting but they don't get shut down.

For now, all of our employees at our school will be able to be paid through the end of the year. I'm grateful for that too. I have to say I'm a bit concerned about when we get on the other side of this; when all the rules that have been suspended in order to not let the 99% collapse will be put back into place, and we are all back on that razors edge of making it and not making it. Will we all just go back to life as we knew it? Or will we stand up and stand together and say no thanks, we deserve universal "free" health care, Amazon and other super rich corporations and people should pay their share, and our kids deserve benefits from birth to make sure the next generation gets off to a good start? I hope so.

On the home front Mitch and Kira and I are hunkered down together. We have been watching documentaries (Hillary on Hulu today), I cleaned the pantry, and we are prepping to paint Sam's old bedroom for Kira to move into. We are not going nuts yet.

Pandemic Isolation Day 3

Today I went to school for a staff meeting to square away how we will deliver education to our students online. Yesterday Governor Walz said that by Wednesday all schools in Minnesota will close for 8 days to figure out how to have online school. Luckily in our case it isn't that hard. Our students already have personal Chromebooks, and all the teachers have online classrooms that we use everyday anyway. It will be a cinch to go online for us. I really feel sorry for first grade teachers. I don't know how they are going to do it.

It was surreal to get things ready. Last week the kids were complaining about our poetry unit. Even while they were complaining they were writing and finding some excellent poems. We made black-out poems last week too and they were very excited to have them displayed in the hall to show off to the rest of the student body. I hung those poems up today so they can see them tomorrow when they come by to pick up computers and supplies.

I think the kids are probably pretty scared and I worry about them isolating. I'm a full-grown adult and I'm going a little stir crazy and panicky with all the pandemic news so I think my focus for the kids will be to try to keep things as normal as possible, and also to keep them connected with school and with each other. During this planning period where we are not required to hold online school I am going to have a question of the day for them to respond to on our online classroom. Today's question was, "How are you spending your time while social d i s t a n c i n g ?" The funniest response so far was, "I'm sewing a giant carrot." As one does.

Tomorrow the kids will come in to get their computers and books. I posted this picture on Facebook:

The pink sign at the top says "If-you-get-bored assignments" and the bottom pink sign gives directions for kids to record which copy of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde they take. A former student who is a friend on Facebook said, "If you get bored! Right!  Just kidding, I would be the one to take those." And she would. Nerd.

I am going to make the kids keep a pandemic-isolation diary for writing practice, and also because they are living through historic times. I am going to do that as well and write on this blog every day.

Mitch and I are currently watching the news and experts are saying that restaurants and gyms and other places should be closed for the next 8 weeks, and people should not gather in groups larger than 10 people. Things are getting crazy. 

Pandemic Panic Day 2

This morning Mitch and I are actively social distancing (it's much like any other weekend, to tell the truth) and we are waiting for a press conference from the Minnesota Governor, Tim Walz, who on Friday "strongly recommended" social distancing, but also said all the schools would remain open. I'm sure you can all remember what school is like when the bell goes off between classes.  Organized chaos like an ant hill or a bee hive and definitely NOT six feet of space between every single person. Even in a calm and quiet class the kids are sitting elbow to elbow at tables or in desks.

I am watching the press conference right now. The gist of the speech from Tim Walz is that one of the primary reasons public school exists is to provide daycare for students so parents can work. I don't agree, but hey, let's go with that. If the primary purpose of public school is daycare service so parents can work, then why don't our taxes also pay for daycare? Why are parents paying up to 20% of their pay for daycare and counting the days until their kids can go to school when the daycare will be free?How about we start righting this wrong by covering daycare costs for healthcare workers even when there is not a pandemic. And we could also cover costs for teachers as well, and policemen, and firemen, and anyone else we depend on in a crisis. Let's just take care of those people all the time like we are in a crisis, then it won't be so jarring when we do have a crisis.

The government leaders are taking turns at the podium congratulating each other and themselves for coming up with such good ideas as allowing flex scheduling without penalty to workers, letting people work from home without penalty, staying home with sick kids without fear of being fired or going broke, etc. etc. But you know what? All of this was possible all the time! Who knew! I read an article in Slate that explains this much better than I can. Here it is.

If enough of us start saying, "No, I'm not going to do that" when confronted with stupid rules, and penalties, and price hikes, and fees maybe we can change things. I hope one thing that comes out of this pandemic is that people realize that much of this stupid society is based on arbitrary rules that punish people who care about other people, and people who have a conscience. Our "leaders" are masters of the bait and switch and experts at getting people to vote against their own best interests, and instead in the interest of the leaders and their cronies. I watched the re-run of SNL last night and this skit with Kate McKinnon as Elizabeth Warren and it says it all.

But what do I know, I'm just a bleeding heart liberal snowflake who loves the deep state.

Knock on Wood

At the beginning of the school year, at a board of director's meeting at my school, we were reviewing our crisis management plan which includes a pandemic plan. I remembering saying something flippant about how prepared we are for any crisis, even a pandemic, ha ha like that would ever happen lol. And then right after that sassy remark, I didn't knock on wood. This post is all about the importance of knocking on wood to prevent future disaster.

Just kidding. Knocking on wood is important, but that's not what this post is really about. Sorry about the misleading headline.

So, of course, everyone knows that we are now in the midst of a pandemic, possibly partially because of my flippancy and lack of wood-knocking, but for whatever reason (let's not point fingers) here we are.  I work in a small school with about 200 students and about 35 staff. It's a public school so we follow public protocols and listen to guidance from the Minnesota Department of Health and the Minnesota Department of Education. Our director has been in daily contact with MDH and MDE getting updates on what is happening with the virus and what schools should do in response. We are aiming to be cautious, but not hysterical. (A good motto for life in general, if you ask me.)

As of today the guidelines are to implement social distancing (stay 6 feet apart from other people), wash hands, stay home when sick, avoid crowds, and clean all surfaces with disinfectant daily. Sounds reasonable. The Minnesota legislature canceled all meetings yesterday in response to this guidance. The board of directors was supposed to have training for new board members today. There were going to be nine people in the class with a trainer. The trainer canceled the class because of the guidelines. Reasonable? I don't know. I think it would be easy to have a training and stay 6 feet away from the other 9 people in the room, but whatever. However, apparently it is too dangerous to spend time in the same classroom that was just the day before being used to teach 20 teenagers figurative language, and is expected to be used for that same purpose again on Monday.

As a teacher who wants to do what's best for her students and also doesn't want to contract a virus and die, I have been doing my best to follow the guidelines. I clean all the surfaces in my classroom with Clorox or Lysol every day. Well, I did until we ran out of supplies at school and the order for more is being delayed by a lack of those products being available. I went out the other evening to get more cleaner on my own time and with my own money, but they were sold out everywhere I looked. I found one container of Clorox wipes in the wrong place at Menards, and I got three cans of Lysol spray. Is that sufficient to kill a virus in my room for as long as the pandemic is a threat? I don't know. I hope so. I am thinking of making my own disinfectants from bleach and Everclear. I have to go out today to see if I can find bleach. I don't think I can buy Everclear in Minnesota but I live right on the border with Wisconsin, and I'm pretty sure I can get it there.

Now here's the part that is really frustrating: the guidelines from MDH and MDE contradict because their advice for public schools is to STAY OPEN. Keep having school. Surely they know that it is impossible in a classroom to implement social distancing. Surely they know that most kids aren't overly concerned with hand-washing, or coughing into their sleeve, or staying home when sick. The reasoning behind keeping schools open is that the benefits outweigh the risks. Many students depend on public schools for food and other services. Many students in Minnesota don't have personal access to computers or wifi so they couldn't do online distance learning even if they wanted to (and they don't). Health care workers might have to stay home with their kids if schools closed, leaving patients and hospitals short staffed. Suddenly teachers and schools are an important and vital cog in the wheel that is society. WHAT A FUCKING REVELATION! Schools provide day-care (even though that is not what they are for), schools provide food and shelter, schools provide caring adults educated and trained to guide students into adulthood, schools provide health services and social services students wouldn't get otherwise, and of course, schools provide education; and yet schools are continually underfunded and overtaxed.

We are expected to teach kids what to do in the event of a school shooting (hide, run, fight is the current protocol), but nobody cares enough to do what must be done to STOP SCHOOL SHOOTINGS. We are expected to address the massive increase in mental illness in school-aged children, but we are not given funding or adequate training or time to do it. And now we are expected to hold back the tide of a pandemic with home-made cleaning products and hand-washing songs.

The Centers for Disease Control says that COVID 19 generally isn't that serious for young people and the survival rate is good. Elderly people should take extra precautions because it can be fatal for people with pre-existing conditions (another blow for people who can't get insured for pre-existing conditions). I'm generally a pretty healthy person but I'm not exactly young, and I'm a total hypochondriac so the constant worrying has been stressful (Hello doctor, me again, can COVID 19 get in through the cracks in my hands from washing them 500 times a day?)

Here is another dimension of this crisis that is maddening for me. A few years ago I had a terrible cold that involved coughing that kept me from sleeping. I went to the doctor for some relief (codeine, please) and she diagnosed me with viral-induced asthma and said there is the perfect medicine for it that comes in the form of an inhaler. The inhaler opens the airways and then the medicine dries up the mucous and after a few days: voila, renewed health. The brand of medicine that was covered by my extremely shitty insurance was $450. The brand of medicine that was not covered by my extremely shitty insurance was $250. My deductible is $6500 so I was going to pay out of pocket for either one. (The budget line for teacher benefits in our school general fund is shamefully thin because of the atrociously small amount of revenue provided to public schools by the state, hence the shitty insurance.) I had just gotten paid. My net paycheck was $800. My gross income is considerably more than that, but much of it was taken out to cover the health premiums for my dependents. I still had not gotten groceries or paid the bills for the month. I couldn't afford to spend over 50% of my paycheck on a fricking inhaler. I couldn't afford to spend even 25% on an inhaler, so I had the doctor prescribe Albuterol which is only $50. It opens the airways but does nothing to dry up the mucous.

What if I get COVID 19? What if the viral-induced asthma comes back with it? What if the schools are closed and the state doesn't pay the schools, and the schools then can't pay the teachers? What if we have to close our school and the kids who depend on us for food and social services are left out in the cold? What if enough staff get sick where we couldn't even provide minimal services to our kids? Welcome to my 3 am thought circle.

What is the point of this rant? I don't know. I have had a dull headache for a few days so I guess it could be a diary of my last days (hypochondria is real, my friends).

Or it could be a call to action, but what form of action that might be, I don't know. How about all public school workers around the country walk out until schools are adequately funded? Of course this would be extremely bad-timing for that and most likely anytime we did that the people that would suffer most would be the most vulnerable kids and teachers wouldn't have the heart to do it.

Should we write to our inept self-serving legislators (most of them fall into this category) and demand social change? Unless it got them TV time, they wouldn't be that motivated to rock the boat enough to make real improvements.

How about this: go to my Go Fund Me page (linked here) and help me pay for Clorox and Everclear so I can single-handedly stem the tide of a global pandemic for my students and myself? Maybe.

If nothing else, I hope that the next time you boast or make a flippant remark you remember, at the very least, to knock on wood. 

Menopause

Hello again.  I'm 46 years old and will be 47 next month.  It's natural and normal for me to go through menopause, right?  Natural and normal.  Healthy even.  This may be natural, and it may even be normal, but it sure as heck doesn't feel healthy.  I looked it up on Google and here are some images:



What is healthy about that?  How is a person supposed to function with all this shit going on?  I'm so IRRITABLE!

I was looking for some suggestions on relief and researched what is actually happening to my body while this is going on and I came across this graphic:



Notice that in the younger reproductive system the ovaries are pinkish and in the older reproductive system the ovaries are GRAY.  Why?  They don't have to color them gray!  The only other change I see in the graphic is that the uterus is opening up like "Hey, what the hell, why not.  Bring it."

An irrationally irritable person doesn't need to see gray ovaries when searching for relief. It tends to make her more irritable.

This is all compounded by the story about the 28-year-old Google engineer who sent a company memo outlining all the ways that women are "different" than (read: inferior to)  men, and that accounts for women not being in leadership roles in technology.  A 28-year-old doofus writes a memo that ironically displays his prejudice and privilege, mansplaining the gender gap in technical jobs.  He says women can't handle stress as well as men. Oh my god. Imagine reading this while trying to function as a regular person while also experiencing 70% of the symptoms in the top graphic AND having gray ovaries.  I feel like my body has been taken over by mean aliens, yet I'm still going through the motions of my life and my somewhat stressful job.  Imagine that!

I would like to take that tech misogynist and give him a virtual reality taste of menopause.  Put on the goggles, Google man!  Oh, sorry, former Google man.

First, let's take away the sense of well-being that keeps most people from seeing horror and danger everywhere they look.  That's foundational to the menopausal experience.

Next, let's add in bursts of adrenaline to give him some anxiety surges.  That's fun.  Don't like randomly crying in public for no reason whatsoever?  Too bad.

Then we'll add in an 8 out of 10 level of irritability just for walking around.  We'll ramp it up to a 10/10 when he hears someone chewing or sees a graphic of old gray balls.

Now for the physical symptoms:

First, let's give him a persistent but not debilitating headache.  Doesn't seem like much at first but by day three it will make him want to stab his eyes out.

Then we'll add in some joint and muscle aches.  Again, not debilitating, but compounded by everything else... man oh man is it annoying.

We can't forget to give him hot flashes.  That's a pretty well-known symptom of menopause, but compared to everything else it's a walk in the park.  Dress in layers, Google man.

Okay, now the pièce de résistance: how about some genital bleeding.  Let's make it unpredictable and persistent.  That goes really well with the first symptom of losing any sense of well-being and makes him constantly ask "Why is this 'normal'?  This is fucking HORRIFYING!"

So, let's look at the results of our experiment.  Hey Google man, why are you sobbing?  Get off the floor!  Go look for a job!  And pull yourself together; nobody wants to hire a hysterical mess.

Hello Again

The last time I wrote on this blog, I was struggling with the idea that Donald Trump seemed to, RIDICULOUSLY, be positioned to get the Republican nomination for president.

We've come a long way since then, with our new so-called president.

But, HOW....?  Oh... wait:

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.  On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." ~ H.L. Mencken, The Evening Sun, July 26, 1920


I guess democracy has been perfected?  Maybe?  Is that the glass half full version of what happened?

Aside from our national dumpster fire, my own personal life is going well.  Family is well, job is going fine, I'm alive and in good health.  I'll write more when I feel funnier.  Not feeling very funny today, but I have been updating the blog gadgets so I thought I would write a little update.  Hello, everyone!  I hope you are doing well too.

20 Things About My Summer

Hey there, everybody!  It has been one heck of a summer.  Let me just make a list:

1. I am on the school board at my school.  The chairman wanted to step down and I was nominated to replace him.  I didn't want to do it.  I hedged and stalled but was voted in and reluctantly accepted the job.

2. The board decided not to renew our director's contract.  As chair of the board, I got to tell him.  He didn't take it well.

3.  The staff of the school was pissed and, as the voice of the board,  I got to deal with the backlash.

4.  During the whole work crisis our home internet went out.  And stayed out for six weeks.

5. I've been working all summer.  I'm a teacher.  I get teacher pay.  But I'm the head of the board.  So I work.

6.  We had a storm a couple weeks ago and our power was out for two days.

7.  We live out in the sticks so we have a well which is run by an electric pump so when the power is out, so is the water.

8. The septic system broke and Mitch had to dig up the tank to fix it.  We couldn't use the toilet for a day.

9. The stress a person experiences when they don't know where they are going to poop is greater than you might expect.

10. We had another bigger storm and several trees broke, one of them fell into the septic hole.

11. Since the latest storm we have not had power for three days and it's not expected to be back for three more.

12.  Two of the three days we have not had power were the hottest days on record.

13. I have not used a toilet this infrequently since I was in diapers.

14.  I have not showered this infrequently since last summer. (nothing was wrong last summer, I just had a phase of not caring much about hygiene.)

15. I am afraid that a lack of convenience for hygiene is going to wipe away any refinement I might have.  For instance, I now see nothing wrong with wearing my underwear to a public beach.  My underwear are older than some middle schoolers.

16.  Donald Trump is seriously SERIOUSLY the nominee for the Republican party for President of the United States.  SERIOUSLY.

17.  Donald Fucking Trump.

18.  I think my voting-age son likes the idea of Trump as a president.

19.  I am frantically trying to think of a convincing way to tell my voting-age son that our precinct doesn't vote until Wednesday, November 9.  Is that voter fraud?  I don't really care if it is.  It's for the greater good.

20.  The forecast for the next few days calls for torrential rain and flash floods.

Is it the apocalypse?  Because if it is I'm going to resign from the board and eat a donut every day until the end of times.

The Boat Show

The Boat Show is in Duluth this weekend at the Duluth Entertainment and Convention Center.  I don't find anything fun or entertaining about the boat show.  It's hot, crowded, boring and full of foods that seem like a good idea but then turn quickly into diarrhea.  (I'm talking to you, corn dogs and mini-donuts.)  All the men in my life are excited for the boat show.  I didn't really know why, besides looking at a bunch of boats nobody can afford to buy, but then I got to the bottom of it.  Sam said, "There is going to be a water-skiing squirrel there!"

Without thinking I said, "Oh Sam, water-skiing squirrels aren't really skiing, they are standing on a platform that has skis attached to it.  And the little boat isn't going fast enough to even convince anyone that he could be skiing.  The boat would have to go a lot faster.  He's not skiing, Sam.  He's just standing."

Sam said, "Oh......................... I didn't know all that."

I ruined it for my boy!  It's like I told him Santa isn't real.  Just because he's 19 doesn't mean my parenting duties are over.  How mean of me.

Mitch is going to the Boat Show too.  He was talking to his friend, Chuck, on the phone today, making plans to go and while he was talking I did this annoying thing I've been doing for YEARS.  He says something and I use a Beeker the muppet voice to mock him quietly in the background.  Like so:

Mitch:  I think I will head down to my office around five and do a couple of hours of work beforehand.
Me: Me me me me me me me me meme meme me me me me meme me me me me mememe.
Mitch: I think the doors open at five.
Me: Me me me me meme me me.
Mitch: I suppose I'll be done around six or seven, what's the hurry?
Me:  Me meme me me me meme me me me, me me meme?

Until today, Mitch has never ever said anything about me doing this very annoying thing.  Never once in years.  Sure, he leaves the room, but he has never actually asked me to stop or told me I'm annoying.  I took it as a sign that he likes it and would like me to keep doing it indefinitely.  That's fine with me because I really like doing it.

Today he got off the phone and said, "You know, people can hear you when you do that."
The damn burst.  I laughed way harder than was warranted because 1) He finally said something!  and 2) I KNOW people can hear me doing it!  THAT'S WHY I DO IT!

Then he said, "Boy.... Chuck really wants to see that squirrel."

Poison

Today my fellow teachers and I were eating lunch together and we were talking about the house plant that the art teacher has outside her room.  It's poisonous and several years ago for some unfathomable reason a kid picked a leaf off and ate it and then his mouth and throat started to swell and they had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital.

Did I mention I work in a high school?

Anyway, that reminded me of when I turned 40.  My mom gave me a beautiful Jerusalem cherry tree.  It had gorgeous tiny orange fruits on it.  I raved.  Before my mom let me get a good look at it she said, "Hey! You can't eat it. It's poisonous."  What 40 year old woman looks at a house plant and wants to eat it?  Did she think I was a glutton or just a moron?  I was offended.  But then.... well, here's my thought process:

She thinks I'm an idiot.  I'm 40 effing years old and she is still giving me moronic commands like "don't eat houseplants."  How ridiculous.  Why would she get me a plant with such beautiful fruit on it if I'm not supposed to eat it?  How poisonous could it be?  Would I get die from it or just get a little sick?  If she thought there was even a chance of me eating it, why would she give me a poisonous plant?  Is it "throw up" poisonous or  "brain damage" poisonous?  I wonder what those little fruits taste like.  They look delicious.  I bet they taste like tomatoes.  They look a little like tomatoes.  She's watching me like she's going to slap my hands if I touch it.  How insulting.  I'm way faster than her.

Then I plucked a little orange fruit off of the plant and ran to the opposite side of the room.  My mom said, "I knew this would happen.  I thought you'd like it because it is so beautiful, but after I bought it I learned it is poisonous I thought you might do this.  DON'T YOU DARE EAT THAT!"

Did I mention I was 40?

I wasn't going to eat the fruit.  I believed it was poisonous, but I wanted to make a point that I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, MOM!  So I took the teeniest, tiniest bite of the skin.  And my mom said, "You are an IDIOT."  Shortly after taking the teeny tiny bite my lips and tongue got a little numb and weird feeling and I got a little concerned and wondered again about HOW poisonous this plant really was, but I couldn't admit it. I had doubled down and showed her she couldn't tell me not to eat poison.  I couldn't get sick and prove her right!  A bit later mom asked me how I was feeling and I had no choice but to say, "I'M FINE!" through lips that felt like I had just finished at the dentist.

That plant was a challenge to have.  Not because it was particularly hard to care for, but because it was a constant temptation to see just how poisonous it was.  I remember cutting one of the fruits open once and I MAY have stuck the tip of my tongue in the pulp. I googled it after that to find out what I was messing with and the top symptom is coma followed by delirium and diarrhea.  I didn't have any of that.  (Well, not the diarrhea anyway.) I'm fine though, so I think I've made my point.

What is my point, you ask?  There are several:  I AM actually an idiot, my mom is right; the term "poison" is relative to how much discomfort a person can stand before they cave and go to the hospital; I really really wonder about what that plant outside the art room tastes like.

Remember Wet Head? (Not her real name)

I got the greatest message today out of the blue from a "followaaaah."  He said that he was sad my blog is gone because what will he read at work now?  I explained to him why I put stronger privacy settings up and added him to the reader list.  

The last thing I intended when I stopped writing on this blog with any regularity was to deny anyone  a reason to be less productive at work.  My bad.

Obviously I have not been blogging, but I do have a blog-related story to tell you.  A long time ago I wrote a letter to a fellow-blogger who was trying her hand at giving advice.  She answered my question in a video blog which you can see HERE.  Go watch it and then come back.

Funny lady, that Hobo Siren, right?  So then I wrote a blog post about it.  Read that HERE, and then come back.  I love screen shots of videos.  We all make so many funny faces if you just watch videos in milliseconds.

I was telling this story to a friend of mine just two weeks ago because I admitted that I don't really care enough about new people to learn their names so I told her the story of Wet Head, and I directed her to the video blog answer which she thought was hilarious.  Before that I hadn't thought about Wet Head in years.

But just yesterday at the grocery store I SAW WET HEAD!  I had to smile at the mere coincidence of it all. But that isn't even the best part.  Yesterday, November 15, 2015, I actually learned Wet Head's name.  It's Anne.  She's a cashier and another cashier said, "Hey Anne, are there any more apple boxes over there?"  I almost screamed, "ANNE!  ANNE!  WET HEAD'S NAME IS ANNE!  WAHOOOOO!!!!"  But I didn't.

I immediately texted my friend and told her that I finally learned Wet Head's name.  Her response? "I didn't realize that you never actually eventually learned her name."    Good point.  That fact speaks volumes about what a jerk I am.  Thanks, What's-Your-Face, for making me feel like it's 100% my fault for not eventually learning Anne's/Wet Head's name after working with her for five years.  It takes two to tango and Wet Head was a good dance partner.

Oh, and BTW, yes, Wet Head's hair was dripping wet.  Like I'm supposed to remember "Anne" when I'm looking at a person whose hair is still dripping wet at two o'clock in the afternoon.

(There, J, with links and videos and everything.  This post might kill about 15 whole minutes!)

First Aid

It's back to school for teachers at my school so we have just spent the last couple days in workshops and meetings.  Ugh.  That really takes it out of ya.  I don't know why, because it's not hard, but I was so tired last night I was practically delirious.

However, I did learn something I didn't know before.  We learned some basic first aid and I learned that if a person gets a finger cut off from say, an electric saw while making sets for the fall play, you are NOT supposed to put the finger on ice.  It freezes the delicate capillaries and makes it harder to re-attach the limb. You are supposed to clean it and then put it in plastic and place it in cool water for transport to the hospital. I thought the whole put-it-on-ice thing was pretty standard knowledge and wanted to share (and one-up) my family by telling them what I learned.  Here is how that strange conversation went:

Me:  Do you guys know what to do if someone cuts their finger off?
Kira: Say "gross!"?
Mitch: Why?
Me:  Because I learned about it in our first aid workshop.  So say someone cuts their finger off and you have to provide first aid what do you do?
Mitch:  Stop the bleeding.
Me: Yes, then what?
Kira: Call 911
Me:  Yes, but what about the finger?  What do you do with that?
Kira/Mitch (simultaneously): Put it in milk.  

Me: ...Wha.....?

I just wanted to catch them telling me that the amputated finger should be put on ice and then obnoxiously correct them with my new knowledge.  How could BOTH of them think it was protocol to put a severed limb in MILK of all things?  That is so WEIRD.  What I discovered was that I better take care of myself because if I require first aid I will be in real trouble.  Or I will have to be sure to have lots of fresh milk and hope for the best.

Parenting at the end of August

Since my kids have gone to school I have found being a parent in the month of August to be challenging. The kids have run out of things to do, they are bored, I am sick of them, and we are all getting anxious about school starting again.  A friend of mine said that August is like a month of Sunday nights.  Absolutely.

One year in late August I remember Sam, Kira and the neighbor kid were trying to trap chipmunks under buckets by piling seeds up on the sidewalk and luring them.  They actually managed to trap a few under the bucket but then they were at a loss of how to get them out from under the bucket and instantly domesticate them and make them friendly pets.  If this would have happened in June, I would have told them to stop, and talked to them about being kind to wildlife, and also that it isn't safe to trap wild animals.  They could bite!  A friend of mine came over while this was happening and questioned my lax attitude about their activities.

Friend:  Are they trying to catch chipmunks?!
Me:  Not trying.  They ARE catching chipmunks.
Friend:  Are you not worried about this?
Me:  No.  Why?
Friend: Umm... because it's not very nice and it's not very safe...
Me:  But they are busy.  And they aren't whining.  Or hanging on me.  Or in the house.
Friend:  Aren't you worried about rabies?
Me:  There's shots for that now.

Just a few years ago I was in the living room mercifully alone because Kira was outside doing something.  I kept seeing her run from the driveway across the yard at full speed with her bow and arrow.  Back and forth, back and forth, again and again.  Eventually I got curious and went outside to ask what she was doing.

Me:  What are you doing?
Kira: What do you mean?
Me:  I mean why do you keep running back and forth with your bow and arrow?  What do you mean,      
        "What do I mean" ? (Jesus)
Kira: I'm shooting a wasp nest on the shed.
Me:  ........ but... WHY?
Kira:  (shrug)
Me:  Well, why do you keep running?
Kira:  Because the bees are chasing me!
Me:  .......... Okay.  Carry on!

I was talking to a friend today who has an eight year old and is now in the thick of "August Parenting."  She said her daughter came in the other day and my friend said, "Whatcha been doing?" (translation: go back out and do some more of it)  Her daughter said, "I was down the street talking to Oliver's dad."  

Okay, first of all my friend had no idea who Oliver was, much less his dad, and in June she would have probably been alarmed, but yesterday she was not.  In fact, after a couple hours of trying to think of new activities to do together that didn't involve whining and complaining (from either of them) she said she was tempted to say, "Why don't you go see what Oliver's dad is up to?"

Night Crawler

A few years ago I learned about Kira's "Night Crawls".  She basically gets up in the middle of the night and wanders around in the pitch dark.  She said she's watched us sleep, she's had a snack, she's gone outside etc. etc.  Super creepy, right?  Just a normal part of childhood, right???  She still does it.  Only since she's become a teenager and has technology she texts me about it now while she's doing it.  This was from my parent's house a few years ago when she was visiting.

(Sleep tight, Mom and Dad!)

This morning when I woke up I saw this series of texts:

Kira is still sleeping right now, but as far as I can tell she got up, night crawled a while, trampolined a while, found a dog, discovered the gender of the dog, discovered the dog wasn't trained, pet the dog, and then went back to bed.  

But the dog didn't go home.  The dog slept right underneath my bedroom window and barked at every tiny noise.  I got up at around three in the morning and tried to make the dog go home, but she wouldn't.  She wanted to come in.  I wouldn't let her.  But she weighs about a thousand pounds and if a thousand pound, dumb, dopey dog wants to come in your house at three in the morning, it will.  

It was a long night.  And now Kira won't get up because she is tired from listening to the nightcrawl dog bark under our windows all night.  When do children generally grow out of nightcrawling?  

No Mistakes!

One day in the car Kira and Mitch had this conversation:

Kira:  Dad, did you like The Lion King?
Mitch:  No, not really.  It was kind of a cookie cutter movie.  Not my favorite.
Kira:  I liked it.  He had such a perfect plan.
Mitch: .............. who?
Kira: Scar.
Mitch: ................ wha?
Kira: ................
Mitch:  Kira, do you think Scar was the hero of that movie?
Kira:  Well, yeah.
Mitch:  Not Mufasa?
Kira:  Mufasa?!  No way!  He was dumb.  Scar was smart.
Mitch:  What?
Kira:  He wanted to be king.  He got rid of his stupid brother with a flawless plan.  He didn't talk about it with anybody, he just did it, and he didn't make any mistakes.  NO MISTAKES.
Mitch:  What about the hyenas?
Kira:  Yeah, the hyenas screwed up.  Eventually.  Scar didn't.  And he was king for 15 years before they screwed up.  Pretty perfect.
Mitch:  What about Simba coming back???
Kira:  Oversight.  Couldn't be helped.  Not Scar's fault.
Mitch:  Kira, Scar is not supposed to be the hero of that movie.  He's the villain.
Kira:  ........So you say.

After that they were quiet for a while and Kira texted Mitch these pictures:

After this one she wrote "Such evil.  Such smart.  Wow."

June

It's summer vacation.  Kira and I are home most of the day together.  We go a little crazy in June enjoying the new free time, sleeping in, and not bathing, which inevitably leads to feelings of guilt for not using this short, wonderful time more productively.  I had to run errands the other day and as I was leaving I looked around at the messy house and told Kira, "When I'm gone, do something productive" meaning, tidy this place up a little.

When I came home this is the only thing in the house that had changed:


 

It's the whiteboard on the fridge.  We have been a little distraught lately because we have three robin's nests in the yard that had eggs in them.  One after another, they have been raided by crows.  It's upsetting.  So Kira is dealing with her grief with art.  I guess I can't blame her for not being more productive when she's grieving. 

Old Story New To Me

When Sam was 12 years old he went on a Tiger Cruise with my dad. Tiger cruises are when family and friends of sailors can meet a naval ship in Hawaii and then sail to the west coast with the crew and see first hand what how a military ship is run. My sister was an officer on the ship. While Sam was away,  Kira sent him an email - she was 9 - that said,

"Sam is a nut, he has a rubber butt, and every time he turns around it goes putt putt putt."  

Apparently the procedure for sending messages to family was to just email the ship and the communication officer would deliver the messages. He sent this message to the captain who thought it was hilarious so he read it to Sam.  Over the intercom.  The whole ship heard it.  Sam said my sister laughed for the rest of the trip. Literally, the rest of the trip.  He said it got annoying.

A Fat Woody

Sam:  Mom, why did you always make us wear coats under our Halloween costumes.  I hated that. 

Me:  Because it's cold on Halloween, duh.  

Sam:  I just remember when you made me dress like a fat Woody.  

Kira:  WHAAAATTT??????

Me:  Inappropriate, Sam!  

Sam: Oh. My. God.  You guys are sick.  

I have a funny husband

Sensitive Child

The other day, while driving home from somewhere, Kira and I came across an ANCIENT golden retriever walking down the country road by our house.  He was one of the oldest dogs I have ever seen in my life and he was just walking slowly down the road.  I stopped to see if he was okay.  He had a collar on and lived really close so we just left him to go on his way.  I asked Kira if she wished we could keep that dog and she said, "Nah, that's only about a month's worth of dog."

A Regular Saturday

From Sam: 

"Hi Mom, Tyler and I just have to pick up a few things and then we are going over to Tyler's to make a Rube Goldberg machine."

From Kira:

"Sam just got out of the bathroom.  Now is the perfect time to use it.  I like the transferred butt heat." 

They are nice, weird kids.  I'm lucky.  Mainly because I will not have to worry about teenage romance drama, probably ever.