Thursday, September 29, 2011

I'm 41! (42)

It's my birthday today!  I am officially 41 years old, but I kind of actually suspect I might be 42 because my parents met in 1969 in January, and got married in June.  I was born in September.  Sounds suspiciously like a "shotgun" type situation, doesn't it?  But they say I was born more than a year after they were married.  Riiiiiiiiiiiight.  And my mom says that empire-waist wedding dresses were all the rage.  Riiiiiiiiiiggggghhht.

Oh well, whatever you say, Mom and Dad!  I'm not going to say any more about it because I know today is pretty special for them, the 41st (or 42nd) year commemorating the greatest day of their lives.

I would have to say the best birthday I ever had was when I was born.  You can't really beat that.  The worst birthday I ever had was when I turned 7 (or 8) and that was because I got the gift of carrying a grudge for the rest of my life.  It's a heavy burden.  Here's what happened.

I was having a small birthday party after school.  I think I invited eight or nine girls to come over and play and have cake and give me presents.  I lived a few blocks from the school so we were going to walk to my house.  One of the girls in my class was not invited to the party because she was a total shithead and she was mean to me.  On the day of the party she cried because she missed her bus and then got the other girls who were coming over to beg me to let her come over and at least use the phone to call home.  Even then in my underdeveloped, seven year-old (or eight year-old) brain I was wondering why the hell couldn't she just call from the school phone and I was about to say just that when she handed me a present.  The manipulative asshole didn't miss the bus, she was crashing my party!  But being seven (eight), I was too sweet to be a hardass, so I let her come to the party.

When we were out in my backyard, playing on my swingset, and pinning tails on donkeys, someone noticed that my pet rabbit's hutch door was open. Just swinging in the breeze and there was no rabbit in there.  We looked and looked for my bunny everywhere but she was gone.  I was so upset.  Totally ruined turning 7! (8!)  Later someone told me that the asshole was the one who opened the cage door.  For that I have hated her with a passion ever since.  She didn't do anything to change my mind in the ensuing years either.  One time in high school I was at a party and when I was leaving I bumped another kid's car.  When I was outside looking to see if there was a dent, this girl happened to be standing there and I asked her to keep it quiet until I could find the kid whose car I clipped.  She literally ran into the party and screamed, "Sarah just crashed into Kale's car!"  I didn't know it was possible, but I hated her even more.

I hated her so much that whenever I needed to imagine an enemy, her face popped into my mind.  One time someone asked me how much I hate her, like, did I wish her dead?  And I was about to say yes, but to be truthful, I can't wish anyone dead.  To be funny (but not really) I said I wished her paralyzed.  Later that year, she got some mysterious, rare disease that left her partially paralyzed. That was when I knew I was magic.  And with great power comes great responsibility.  I immediately felt bad for wishing her paralyzed and tried from then on to use my incredible mind-power for good.  (Turns out it wasn't actually me that made her paralyzed, it was some crazy virus that she probably got from a grimy stripper pole, but nevertheless, I felt bad for wishing that one anyone, even her; the party-crashing, rabbit-losing, accident-blabbing, paralyzed stripper.)

So now, here it is 34 years later, and I'm still thinking about that fateful day when I lost a rabbit and gained an enemy for life.  I need to get over it.  I think it's time.  A 41 year-old (42) woman shouldn't hate anyone, so today, on my birthday, I am going to give myself the gift of forgiving that horrible asshole and shuck the baggage that comes with holding a grudge.  Hear that, Asshole!  I forgive your freaky, red-headed, loudmouthed, paralyzed ass!  Now get out of my head!


  1. Happy birthday you magical 41 (42) year old! Will there be cake? Has there been cake already? If I promise to not let out any of your pets can I have some?! :D Enjoy your day!!!

  2. Happy Birthday. You have given yourself an excellent gift: you have let go of an old anger. By the way, my wedding dress was almost identical to your mother's...and I had my first born 4 years later! So, stop doubting your mother!

  3. Happy Happy Happy Day!

    I thought for sure she'd be CEO of some big advertising agency because she sounds like the perfect fit.

    Can you wish me an agent, or some sort of representation?


  4. Well, if it makes you feel any better that same arch-nemesis of yours once bullied me on the basketball court when you guys were seniors and I was a freshman. Her ball rolled into our scrimmage so I just kicked it out of the way and she walked INTO our scrimmage and told me to go get it. I said no. She told me to GET IT. I said NO. She told me she'd see me in the locker room after practice. Then the Erickson twins came to my rescue and told her to back off so I didn't even have to be scared to meet the freakishly tall clownhead coming out of the shower or something. You're right....she was (is?) a total douche.

  5. I hope you don't lose something now that you have officially forgiven her. And so publicly. Like now you can't change your mind if life is meaningless without the weight you have been carrying around so long. I wish you had talked to me first. Oh well, too late. Good luck.
    Oh, and happy birthday too.

  6. I think I know who you're talking about, but I really wish you would just name names already. Or do the pig latin thing at least.

    If it's who I think it is, I always thought that she and Clayton would make a "perfect" couple and then they'd make many incredibly ugly and irritating little kids.

  7. F that, I'd still hate her for the bunny alone!

    You're a much bigger person than me!!

    Happy Birthday!!!!!

  8. Great stories! You have a gift for sure. I'm with Anne, though, just name names already. But it is kinda fun to try and figure it out, maybe you should give the answer the next day to see if we guessed right. Basketball and Erickson twins helped me make my decision, oh and the red hair and the obnoxious, ok so it wasn't really a secret! Didn't she live within walking distance of the school? Or was that just in high school? Hmmmm....Anyway Happy Birthday to you!! :) Jill

  9. OH, I totally nailed this one..but as Anonymous (really? anonymous? ha ha give us a name, dear!) it wasn't HARDer to figure out...ha ha....


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