It's my birthday today! I am officially 41 years old, but I kind of actually suspect I might be 42 because my parents met in 1969 in January, and got married in June. I was born in September. Sounds suspiciously like a "shotgun" type situation, doesn't it? But they say I was born more than a year after they were married. Riiiiiiiiiiiight. And my mom says that empire-waist wedding dresses were all the rage. Riiiiiiiiiiggggghhht.
Oh well, whatever you say, Mom and Dad! I'm not going to say any more about it because I know today is pretty special for them, the 41st (or 42nd) year commemorating the greatest day of their lives.
I would have to say the best birthday I ever had was when I was born. You can't really beat that. The worst birthday I ever had was when I turned 7 (or 8) and that was because I got the gift of carrying a grudge for the rest of my life. It's a heavy burden. Here's what happened.
I was having a small birthday party after school. I think I invited eight or nine girls to come over and play and have cake and give me presents. I lived a few blocks from the school so we were going to walk to my house. One of the girls in my class was not invited to the party because she was a total shithead and she was mean to me. On the day of the party she cried because she missed her bus and then got the other girls who were coming over to beg me to let her come over and at least use the phone to call home. Even then in my underdeveloped, seven year-old (or eight year-old) brain I was wondering why the hell couldn't she just call from the school phone and I was about to say just that when she handed me a present. The manipulative asshole didn't miss the bus, she was crashing my party! But being seven (eight), I was too sweet to be a hardass, so I let her come to the party.
When we were out in my backyard, playing on my swingset, and pinning tails on donkeys, someone noticed that my pet rabbit's hutch door was open. Just swinging in the breeze and there was no rabbit in there. We looked and looked for my bunny everywhere but she was gone. I was so upset. Totally ruined turning 7! (8!) Later someone told me that the asshole was the one who opened the cage door. For that I have hated her with a passion ever since. She didn't do anything to change my mind in the ensuing years either. One time in high school I was at a party and when I was leaving I bumped another kid's car. When I was outside looking to see if there was a dent, this girl happened to be standing there and I asked her to keep it quiet until I could find the kid whose car I clipped. She literally ran into the party and screamed, "Sarah just crashed into Kale's car!" I didn't know it was possible, but I hated her even more.
I hated her so much that whenever I needed to imagine an enemy, her face popped into my mind. One time someone asked me how much I hate her, like, did I wish her dead? And I was about to say yes, but to be truthful, I can't wish anyone dead. To be funny (but not really) I said I wished her paralyzed. Later that year, she got some mysterious, rare disease that left her partially paralyzed. That was when I knew I was magic. And with great power comes great responsibility. I immediately felt bad for wishing her paralyzed and tried from then on to use my incredible mind-power for good. (Turns out it wasn't actually me that made her paralyzed, it was some crazy virus that she probably got from a grimy stripper pole, but nevertheless, I felt bad for wishing that one anyone, even her; the party-crashing, rabbit-losing, accident-blabbing, paralyzed stripper.)
So now, here it is 34 years later, and I'm still thinking about that fateful day when I lost a rabbit and gained an enemy for life. I need to get over it. I think it's time. A 41 year-old (42) woman shouldn't hate anyone, so today, on my birthday, I am going to give myself the gift of forgiving that horrible asshole and shuck the baggage that comes with holding a grudge. Hear that, Asshole! I forgive your freaky, red-headed, loudmouthed, paralyzed ass! Now get out of my head!