Sunday, September 18, 2011

Proof that Gwyneth Paltrow is Horrible: Contagion (spoiler alert!)

I went to see the movie Contagion today because I'm depressed and I decided that watching Gwyneth Paltrow die, even if it is pretend, would make me feel better.  And it did.  If you don't already know, Contagion is a movie about a flu-like new virus that kills millions of people throughout the world in a matter of a few months.  It starts with Gwyneth in an airport in Chicago and she's coughing a little and gets a phone call from the man she just crawled out of bed with (who was not her husband, Matt Damon!)  The movie is supposed to be realistic and scientifically-based, but right away I had to suspend my disbelief by trying to wrap my head around how anyone in the world would cheat on Matt Damon.  Right!  Like that would ever happen! So anyway, if you can get past that, the movie is pretty good.  Gwyneth dies a horrible death almost right away but thankfully, Matt is immune to the virus so he is okay!  Whew!

The movie solidified my misanthropy and made me happy that I live in the woods and rarely socialize because you know what?  People are really gross.  People touch their face between two and three thousand times a day and in between digging in their noses and rubbing their eyes and licking their gross fingers in order to more easily open plastic produce bags, they are touching absolutely every gross surface in the world that everyone else has touched.  The movie really drove that concept home and as soon as the credits started rolling I went to the bathroom and washed my hands.

The people who work at WHO and the CDC work diligently trying to find where the virus started and to find a vaccine.  Jennifer Ehle, who was in Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth (Mr. Darcy!) played the doctor who comes up with the vaccine.  I really liked watching her.  She's very attractive in the same way that Meryl Streep is attractive, but with none of the weirdness that Meryl Streep has.  Meanwhile a blogger (Jude Law) is throwing a monkey wrench into the mix by writing that the government is hiding the cure so the pharmaceutical companies can make a "vaccine" and get rich when the cure is something called Forsythia which is an ancient Chinese herbal remedy that is cheap and readily available.  What I like most about Jude Law is the crazy hazmat suit he wears that reminded me of Bender from Futurama,

and his giant fake front tooth.  That's how they make handsome movie stars look like regular people.  Giant crooked front teeth.  I wish I had giant front teeth.

The movie is pretty good.  I would recommend it but bring a bottle of hand sanitizer with you because you will be glad you did.


  1. I have been thinking of this movie like I thought of The Roommate. "Hmmm I feel like I should know the plot of this one. Single White Female anyone?"

    Haven't we seen this movie before? Oh yeah... it used to be called Outbreak.

  2. We saw it too. I thought it was OK. I felt like it was lacking some good plot twists that don't make any sense, but that's OK, because Matt Damon is hot.

    Except he looks like my brother, so that's weird.

  3. hehehe, hand sanitizer and Bender.

    I also love that you took pleasure in the thought of Gwenyth gone.

    And I wouldn't think they'd need too much help making Jude Law look unnattractive. Just me.

  4. No love for Gwenie?? Seriously? I mean, she's super extra thin, very wealthy for being super extra thin, AND names her beautiful children "eccentric" names... I love that.

  5. I used to kind of like Gwyneth Paltrow, but she's so thin and rich and famous and out of touch that she just irritates me. I think it's ever since I discovered her website, Goop:

  6. I used to kind of like Gwyneth Paltrow, but she's so thin and rich and famous and out of touch that she just irritates me. I think it's ever since I discovered her website, Goop:

  7. This is an instance of a movie I had no interest in until I read your review. I don't care for Gwyneth but I am definitely a Matt Damon fan. Thanks for the humorous review.


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