Monday, December 22, 2008

This one is gross

Our house smells like shit. The septic tank is seeping gas into the house because of all the snow on the roof. Apparently (and I don't understand the mechanics of it) it should go out the roof, and if it doesn't, it should go out the top of the tank outside, but that is also covered with a ton of snow and there's no seepage out there. So it is coming out a pipe in the basement and Mitch's quick fix is to put duct tape over the opening but if someone takes an especially hot shower (which we all do because the house is so cold because the FURNACE DOESN'T WORK) the tape BLOWS off. Mitch tells me that the top layer of sludge in the tank gets all heated up and the gas expands and has to go somewhere so it comes in my basement. How disgusting is that? It's just a smell, but I think it has psychoactive side effects. I normally love my house with all it's quirks and everything, but when it stinks like this, I want to slosh it with gas, light a match and walk away.

Yesterday, right after I took a scalding shower, the furnace guy called and said he could come over and look at the furnace. He'd be over in two minutes. I was mortified because I didn't want the furnace man to think the smell was from ME and wonder about my eating habits. I prodded Mitch to explain about the vent/hot shower problem, but he brushed it off like "who cares what this guy thinks, he's a dopey 20 year old kid who probably doesn't even notice." I wouldn't care what this kid thought of me in most situations, and I wouldn't bother to set him straight if he thought I was even as bad as a serial murderer, but to have him think that I could take a poop and fill an entire house with home-perm/public-gas-station-restroom-stench was too much so I had to go down there and act all casual and friendly, "Hi... How's it going? Do you smell that? Yeah, it's our septic tank, it's not venting properly. It's totally nothing I did, you know, personally..... okay? okay... so .... Lots of snow huh! Yeah, we'll be shoveling alot....." and then wander away. I don't want to be known down at Curtis Oil as "Stink Lady" or something worse.

Today I got Mitch to go out for coffee and we went to Home Depot and got a cap for the pipe opening and tomorrow morning I'm planning to dig out the outside vents. Hopefully that will fix it or I might end up going to jail for arson.


  1. I always end up explaining as well. I think this just cements their thoughts that we are liars and covering. Miles farted in the grocery store and some old man was there. He said, "Don't even try to blame that on him." My mother says I deserve it.

  2. I know! Public farting is so impossible with kids! I tried to whif one out in the fur coats at the Good Will store and Kira was behind me and she said, "MOM, YOU FARTED! NICE ONE!"


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