Thursday, March 4, 2010

I wish the pandas would all just die already

I know this seems to be coming out of nowhere, but it's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm really sick of pandas. I guess it all started when I went to the San Diego Zoo a few years ago and I wanted to see the pandas because everyone always makes such a huge deal about pandas so I wanted to see what the fuss was about. There was a line that was about a mile long of people waiting to see a panda in its den sleeping. What? Why? I didn't stand in the line, but I was intrigued and decided to learn more about pandas.

They live in China, obviously, everyone knows that, but what I didn't know was that they live in a very specific spot in the mountains and only live at specific elevations. Not too high, not too low. (picky picky) Of course, their historical habitat has been taken over by more ambitious and adaptive species, so I guess that's not one of my major beefs with the pandas.

What really drives me nuts about them is this:

Despite its taxonomic classification as a carnivore, the giant Panda has a diet that is primarily herbivorous, which consists almost exclusively of bamboo. However, the Giant Panda still has the digestive system of a carnivore, as well as carnivore-specific genes, and thus derives little energy and little protein from consumption of bamboo. (from Wikipedia)

They will only eat bamboo. And bamboo is not even that good for the stupid pandas. And they are defined by their very genes to be carnivores but don't eat any meat. They won't even eat other plants that might be a little more nutritious. Idiots.

They are mostly sedentary because they derive so little energy from their diet, yet they have to be constantly eating so they can get the tiny bit of nutritional value from the bamboo. They have developed their giant (some say "cute," I say "freakish") heads as adaptations to their ridiculous diets because they had to have stronger jaw muscles to chew the bamboo. You'd think that instead, they'd adapt the digestive system of something that thrives on bamboo if they're so insistent on eating nothing but bamboo, but no, in another example of why intelligent design is such a stupid theory, they have instead developed giant jaws for chewing their worthless food. I'd love to eat nothing but chocolate cake and pita chips but if I did that, I would be malnutritioned and fat, (like a panda) but nobody would think it was cute if I did it.

My last problem with the pandas is the fact that they won't reproduce to save their own species. So humans have tried to get them to mate in captivity by showing them panda porn. (I'm not even kidding. Look it up.) Zookeepers show the pandas videos of other pandas doing it hoping it will get them in the mood. They won't get in the mood because they are too tired from eating nothing but bamboo. They don't have the energy to do it. They'd rather just go to bed and read their book. Then on the off-chance that they do mate, and a baby panda is born, it is teeny and helpless and it's not easy to get the mother to look after it. The fathers have nothing to do with them. If there are two cubs born the mother will let one die so she only has to take care of one. Nice parents!

You need to re-think why you're so in love with pandas.

If this panda would spend more time planning a healthy diet of a variety of foods, and less time playing the flute, I might have more sympathy for the entire species. 


A few weeks after writing this post, I learned about a blog called Animal Review on NPR.  They review animals and give them letter grades.  I think they gave the panda an F-.  Their blog is hysterical and I highly recommend reading it.  The review of the porcupine is one of my favorites. 


  1. Haha, it's the like the pandas are trying to die and we won't let them.

  2. But you have to admit...they are so cute!!!!

  3. Wow. You've really opened my eyes. Pandas are a stupid idea.

  4. I saw the title of this post and this is the first thing I thought of. I must share with you:

    Corky and the Juice Pigs - The Pandas Must Die


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