Saturday, December 4, 2010

Christmas decorations... yahoo

It's Christmas decorating time!  Yay!  You can't actually hear me saying that, but if you could you would hear the outrageously sarcastic sarcasm.  I put the tree up because Kira was desperate for it.  At school she wrote a note in her neatest writing that said,

"Dear Sarah, You and Kira should put up the Christmas tree today.  From Mrs. Holm"

Mrs. Holm is her teacher and I think she actually did sign it because she added a p.s. that said,

"P.S.  What is Kira getting for Christmas?"

So we put up the tree.  I don't really like the tree because 1) it's fake yet still drops thousands and thousands of needles.  I have vacuumed canister after canister full of fake needles and still the tree looks like a tree.  How many needles can it have?  2) I have to move furniture around to fit a huge tacky fake tree into my living room. And, 3) It seems so WEIRD to kill (or fake kill) a tree to bring into your house and decorate, only to throw out on the curb or the burn pile (or stuff it into a box in the basement) when you're finished with it.  Seems pretty ugly.  I bet the trees think Christmas is horrifying.  I wonder if they could if they'd kill a person and decorate the corpse (remembering to water it so it didn't start on fire!) if they would do the same to us.  They'd keep it in their living rooms for a month and then throw it out on the curb.  We'd see the carnage in January and be horrified when we saw someone familiar, "OH GOD!  THAT WAS AUNT GLADYS!  SHE WAS SO THICK AND FULL AND BEAUTIFUL!"

I dated a guy once whose mother was a bit crazy.   Actually she was a religious, white-supremacist nutjob.  One year during Christmas one of her neighbors told her that the origin of the Christmas tree was that it somehow signifies the baby Jesus's penis.  (Oh my god, I fear [and also kind of hope] that when people google, "the baby Jesus's penis" they get my blog.)  Nutjob was so offended that the dead decorated tree in her living room could signify something as sweet as the baby Jesus's penis, that she freaked out and dragged the tree outside and set it on fire, decorations and all.  Now that is a woman who really hates the baby Jesus's penis!  (That is a true story.  I wouldn't lie on Christmas.)

So there you have it.  That's why I think the tree is so weird and kind of creepy.

Also, Christmas brings out Kira's creative side.  This is the decoration she made this year that she proclaimed is "window quality."

It's five candy wrappers taped to the window.  That's it.  Now I have a fake tree and candy wrappers decorating my living room.  Oh, and this:

This is the nutcracker that Kira made in second grade.  I especially love his missing teeth and dirty cottonball hair.  Kira spent some serious time in the basement making my gift the other day.  I don't know what it is, but judging by the mess she left it is made of brown yarn, part of a toilet paper roll, and pipe cleaners.  But she could have just set that mess up to throw me off the trail and keep me guessing.

Since this is a decorating/crafting post I thought I'd include this even though it has nothing to do with anything else:

Sam made this in school.  He calls it his "snowmobowl."  (Get it?  Like snowmobile but it's a bowl so it's snowmobowl!)

1 comment:

  1. By the standards listed above, my corpse will make a great Christmas tree, and I'm about to erect a fake Jesus penis in my living room.


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