Thursday, February 2, 2012

My boyfriends

Mitch kindly pointed out to me the other day that I have a lot of "boyfriends" and is that really appropriate for a married woman?  Well, I guess I do have a lot of boyfriends, but I can't help it.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  My boyfriends are mostly on TV or in movies, historical figures, and at the dentist office; so they are kind of unreachable mainly because the TV boyfriends and historical figures were in their prime decades, and even centuries ago; the movie boyfriends are too good for me; and I have dentophobia so I rarely see my dentist boyfriend. 

Here is a (not comprehensive) list of my current boyfriends:

1.  Michael Fassbender, i.e. Mr. Rochester/Magneto

2.  George Washington

3.  Lucas McCain

4.  Sully from Dr. Quinn

5.  Magnum P.I

6.  My dentist

Just kidding.  That's not really my dentist.  I did find a picture of him when I googled his name, but I'm not going to put that up here, or his name because what if he googled himself and saw that I included him in my list of boyfriends?  I would DIE.  Besides, he likes Mitch more than he likes me anyway.  I went in when I had a toothache in the third tooth away from my front teeth, and he said that I had an abcess and I needed a root canal, or he could just pull it right then.  Like I'm really going to have a frontish tooth pulled out of my head only to leave a glaring gap that advertises how close I really am to being a total redneck.  What does he think of me?  I opted for the root canal, partly because I didn't want Cute Dentist to see me with a big gap in my smile. If he was an ugly dentist that I didn't care about I might have thought more about having the tooth pulled.  But I want Cute Dentist to think I'm classy. When Mitch goes in, Cute Dentist talks to him about teeth whitening, and lets him run the Pandora music, and spoons him in the dentist chair, and just generally loves him the way I yearn to be loved by him.  Mitch says it's because he knows that the only time I will ever go to the dentist is for emergency procedures and I will have only the bare minimum done because I HATE to have my teeth worked on so much.  Cute Dentist is probably pretty sure that I will never be in again, so why bother?  No spooning for me.

How can I love someone who is in a profession I hate so much?  Well, let me tell you.  For one thing, he is super cute which is a plus and a minus.  I don't really want cute guys to see me cry and smell the smell of my abcessed teeth, but what can I do?  On the other hand, he is a very small man with tiny little monkey hands that fit into my mouth like they were made to be there.  And he is the first dentist in my entire life who has never caused me excruciating pain.  I've even been toying with the idea of a checkup.  Yeah, that's right, going to the dentist for no good reason at all. I haven't done that since I lived with my parents and my mom would trick me into getting into the car by telling me we were going someplace fun, and then we'd end up at the dentist.  But since I've been seeing my new dentist, I've been back THREE times in the past five years or so.  That is amazingly often for me.  And it's all because of Dentist Boyfriend.


  1. Spoons him in the dentist chair....... made me snort!

    I ran into the girl that cleans my teeth once a year or so at happy hour with The Boyfriend!! How RUDE! She told him I hadn't been in to see her in a very long time! Great now he thinks I have a dirty mouth......wait did that come out right......

  2. Jane that was a total Freudian slip. You totally have a dirty mouth.


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