More Prolife Across America billboard weirdness

When I was driving the other day I saw another one of Prolife Across America's billboards.

"OMG, I dreamed that I was grown up and I had no reproductive rights!
 Then I woke up relieved because, Whew!  I'm a boy!

I suppose year after year of trying to convince women not to abort their pregnancies can get a little tedious so they have to come up with new and original ideas but why so strange?  How does anyone know that the little fetuses are dreaming at all much less at the specific time of 17 weeks from conception?  I suspect they are just making this stuff up.  When I was looking for this picture I found another billboard that I have not actually seen in real life and I'm glad I haven't because if I saw it while driving I would probably crash my car for all of it's weirdness:

The other billboards are about heartbeats, and dreams and being the boss of the house, but this one is about arms.  That seems strange.  This little biker baby was happiest 28 days after conception when he could stick his little arm buds out and pretend to be riding the Harley Davidson he'd been dreaming about. (oops, sorry, he didn't dream of his Harley until 17 weeks.  Sorry Fetus!  You might have arm buds, but you won't be able to dream of your Harley for 91 more days! Ha-ha, little Fetus!)

Kira in the Car Part XIV

Dad, do you think if you snuck up on a bee and scared him, he'd poop out a little bit of pollen?

My Blog Friend JANE!

Hi Everyone!  I just returned from International Falls where I was being AUNT OF THE YEAR (suck on that, Amy) It's time to write another installment of my new blog feature where I interview a fellow-blogger friend.  This week it is Jane from Jane's Junk and Treasures.  She's been visiting my blog for a long long time and she really likes when I write about Kira.  She thinks Kira is pretty special which is good because now when I send Kira to Colorado to spend two weeks with Jane this summer she'll be excited and not feel inconvenienced and taken-advantage of.  Win Win! 

Here's my interview with Jane.

Me:  Hi Jane!  Thanks for agreeing to answer my questions!  If you wouldn't have agreed to it I would have been forced to use my own answers which, I'm afraid, might have made you look a little weird.  So Whew!  Dodged that bullet!  Okay, here we go.  What are your three best qualities?

Jane:  I'm kind of like Snow White, animals love me!  Seriously, the just come around me!  I can talk to them and they talk to me. They don't break out in song or anything like they do with Snow White because, well,  because that would be crazy.

Me:  I'm kind of jealous of that because I like animals but the only ones that really are drawn to me seem to be mice.  And they don't like to hang around with me and be delightful and help me sew nice dresses, they mostly like to poop tons and tons of little pellets in my house. Okay, what else?

Jane:  I'm planning my 30 year class reunion this summer, with no help, for 650 people, all whom I found on Facebook!  Every single person has offered up which dates work for them and which place they would like the reunion party, BUT of course  they don't want to spend more than $40 per person.......and want a full dinner, dancing and an OPEN bar...........


The fact that I haven't stabbed, bludgeoned or just slapped one of my fellow classmates is a FINE quality!!!

Me:  I agree!  I, on the other hand, would rather rot in hell than plan a class reunion, and I think several of my classmates are constantly holding back from slapping me at all times.  Okay, that's two great things about you, one more...

Jane:  I will re-arrange your furniture and knick knacks in your house whether you ask to or not. 
The Boyfriend says it's rude but when I'm done, trust me your house will look much better!

Me:  I believe it!  I've seen some of the closets you've organized.  What would you suggest I do with this?

Jane: ....

Me:  ...Well.  Okay.  Moving on:  You do lots of cool projects in and around your home.  What was your favorite?

Jane:  Everything!! It was a broken down horribly decorated hot mess!!!  It had navy blue carpet in the living room and hunter green carpet in the bedroom!!  Really, no one favorite thing!  I love to come home to my little house!  And to get mushy, there is no place I'd rather be than in my house...in fact I'm not leaving.....what's that called...?

Me:  I think that's called agoraphobia or in lay terms, "being a nutcase."  Just kidding.  You're not a nutcase!

(???)

Here are some pics:

Me:  VERY cute!  But I have a question, where do you keep your piles of clean but not quite folded laundry if not on the living room couch?  

Jane: I know.... my best idea I did.....every door has an antique door knob and none of them match!! I love it!!

Me:  What do you think is the scariest: a serial killer, a tax audit, or a bear?

Jane:  Serial killer........ I'm too into those shows and Dexter. Nope not scary.


I don't make any money so the IRS will never bother me, I'd be a waste of their time.


Bears.......Sarah it's bears that brought us together in blog land to the wonderful friends we are today!


I did see a movie in Jr High called Grizzly, that scared the crap out of me!!!
Of course the bear shredded each of the unsuspecting teenagers, camping in the woods that was clearly marked Beware of Bears!!!

Me:  Anyone who sees a sign that says "Beware of Bears" and goes right on ahead and camps there anyway deserves to have their faces eaten.  You are totally right.  Bears are the scariest. 

What are your five favorite blogs? 

Jane:  All of the decorating blogs out there!  There are millions!!  Seriously!!  These women are crazy good and creative.  Go to my side bar or my dashboard and hit any of them!!  I guarantee you'll find something you like!

Mamie Jane is amazing!  And her name is Jane!

The Bloggess, Jenny's mind works in such mysterious amazing ways!  She makes me laugh!

Me:  I love the Bloggess.  She's one of my faves too.

Motherhood In New York City - Marinka - Hilar i ous!!!

And of course YOU!! 

Me:  Awwww...

Jane:  Sarah you make me snort, sometimes I laugh so hard at you, or is it, with you I have tears.

Me:  You're so sweet... Go on...

Jane:  And your daughter, just plain weird!! And I mean that in an affectionate way! (We'll see how affectionate you feel about her at the end of the summer.  Did I say I'd send her to you for two weeks?  I meant two three months.  Enjoy!)

Me:  If you could have dinner with any person in the world, living or dead (they'd be alive for your dinner), who would it be and why?

The first name that came to mind was Oprah.  

But now that I've seen that behind the scene Oprah on OWN, the OP seems kind of bossy, and I'm all OPRAH!! King of the worldish .........

The Donald! Have you seen his place!! Really, all that gold, so tacky!  He needs me!

Me:  He needs something, but I think he might benefit more from a haircut and a punch in the face than a home makeover.

Jane:  Thanks, Sarah, for the interview!


Me:  You are so welcome, and thank you for being interviewed!


Jane:  I threw in one last picture of Sweet Pea, my very wise chicken!

Me:  Now I feel like I have to also put up a picture of my old chicken (rooster) Stuart, who wasn't wise as much as he was homicidal and a serial chicken-rapist. Not the best pet or coop-mate.  Sweet Pea is lucky she never met him.  But talk about handsome!

Jane:  If I'm ever up your way I'll  stop by and re-arrange your house!


Me:  ANY TIME!  

Next week I'm going to interview I don't know who yet!  Do you want to be interviewed?  Well, do you?
Okay KADY!  You're on!

Gargamel

My new niece is born!  She was 8 lbs and some ounces, (I don't know, I'm not that good of an aunt.)  She has thick black feathery hair.  She's adorable! (for a newborn which, let's face it, newborns aren't all that cute.)

Here she is with her big sister:

Big sister, Sidney, is not all that impressed.  The novelty of having a new sister wore off really fast when the baby pooped and everyone made a big deal about it.  Nobody thinks it's all that great when Sidney craps her pants anymore so I suppose she is thinking, What's the big deal, I do that every day?  When I came to the hospital shortly after the momentous crappy diaper, I said, "What do you think of your sister?" and she said, "Baby stinks." 

Beth still hasn't decided on a name so we've been calling her Gargamel.  She is going to wait until tomorrow because she is so drugged up and loopy and exhausted right now.  She was scheduled to have a c-section this morning at 8 am, but went into labor last night and went through several hours of contractions until they brought her into the operating room around 3:30.  Fun!  So she's had no sleep, pain, been cut practically in half, had a person removed from her abdomen, and had her fundus massaged repeatedly.  If you don't know what that is, believe me when I tell you that nothing makes you want to punch a nurse in the face as much as when they massage your fundus after a c-section.  I wouldn't even want my fundus massaged on a normal day, much less on a surgery day.  Leave my fundus alone!

Name my sister's baby!/ Yay for girls!

Hello everyone.  I'm finally recovered from my horrible day yesterday.  I zoned out in front of the tv, ignored my family, ate pizza and wallowed in my flop-sweat pretzel smell last night.  Today I got up and showered and scrubbed that awful day out of my (pit)hair and I'm not looking back.  Today is looking much more promising because I'm working half a day in a fifth grade class that I really like and there is a student teacher. 

Then this afternoon I'm driving up to International Falls so I can be there when my new niece is born tomorrow morning!  I can't wait.  I asked Beth what she was planning on naming her new baby and she won't tell me.  She just keeps saying Gargamel, but I hope that's not really it.  Sam thinks she should name her Astird, and I said, "Do you mean Astrid?" but he says no, he means Astird.  You know how the name you give your child determines to some extent the success they will have?  I don't think the names Astird or Gargamel are very high on the success list.  What do you guys think she should name the baby?  You tell me in the comments and if she chooses one of the names you pick, I will send you a prize!  I will post pics tomorrow.

And I would like everyone to check out this post written yesterday from Milk and Cake.  She said everything I think, in a better way than I ever could.  Awesome!

How to kill a mood

Last night Mitch and I were having a little "alone time" and things were looking promising for a little mommy/daddy time (if-you-know-what-I-mean.)  We were just talking and I asked the following question:

"Have you ever farted, but it doesn't come out where it usually comes out, it travels up your crack and comes out the very top and kind of pops out?  Like it's coming out your lower back instead of your butt?"

Not that I wanted to do this, but if you ever want to kill a mood, ask your husband/wife that question.  Any attraction or sexual tension there was will be gone in a flash.  And I don't know why because it's not like gas is a taboo subject between the two of us.  We are very similar in our rate of gaseous expulsions.  It's part of what makes us such a compatible couple.  I think it was the traveling of the fart that killed any desire he had for me.  Apparently he has not experienced a traveling fart and the unique feeling of having a gas bubble pop out of his lower back, and it was just too much for him to think about.  You'd think my ability to do that would enhance our intimacy, not hinder it.  I've found a way to make the gas come out farther away from my lady business.  Isn't that a good thing?

Can anyone else do this?  Have I just killed your love for me too?

All About Eva (nyuk nyuk)

As I said in my last post, I'm going to start posting about some of my followers and best commenters.  First off is Eva.  If you have read my comments for the past several months you will have noticed that there is nobody who is a more faithful commenter than Eva!   Eva writes a blog called Wrestling with Retirment and she is getting pretty darn close to having 500 followers!   Alright Eva!  She lives in Maine but I've never talked to her so I don't know if she has a crazy accent.

I asked Eva some (lame) questions and she wrote back to me with her answers.  

Me:  Okay Eva, Today is all about you!  First of all, describe your blog in ONE WORD.  

Eva: Warped.

Me:  Alright, what is your Least favorite color?  I said LEAST favorite, not FAVORITE.  See what I'm doing?  I'm being edgy.  (Barbara Walters can suck it)

Eva:  Brown....it looks terrible on me.  

Me:  I don't like brown either, but it looks nice on me so that's kind of worse, don't you think?  If you could go back in time and change one thing, what would it be and why would you change it?

Eva:   I'd be scared to do that, because who knows what else it might change......Well, When I left teaching I withdrew my retirement funds and started my own business....Classy Lady:  a ladies boutique with sizes 14 and up.   It was 1991 and not the best time in the economy; I didn't have enough start up money to stay afloat and ended going bankrupt.  Lost my house, two cars, etc.   Had to start all over from scratch.  I guess if I'd invested those funds instead of starting a business, today my house would be paid for, I'd have the money to travel wherever I want, and wouldn't have to worry about paying my bills.  (But who knows if that really would have happened?)

Me:  It was pretty gutsy of you to try!  I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.  Okay, next question:  What are your 5 favorite blogs: 

Eva:   Debbie Does Drivel,   In Jayne's World,  Knucklehead.  The LG Report,  and Mental Poo

        I actually follow about 150 blogs,  and there are more that I adore.   These were just the first that came to mind.   Mental Poo is very R-rated and not  for the faint of heart, but he totally cracks me up.   I follow him on Twitter and we're friends on facebook.  I can't get enough of his humor!

Me:  Wow, Eva.  You are really a social-media butterfly!  I can't get in to Twitter.  Last question:  What is the dumbest thing you have ever spent money on?  

Eva:  An elliptical machine....it was expensive, huge, and after a couple of weeks I lost interest in it.   But most of the time I tend to be pretty frugal....almost tight.   (Although I do love to eat out....as you know from my Sunday's in My Neck of the Woods!

Me:  Thanks Eva!  Everyone go check out her blog and her favorite blogs.  Next week Jane from Jane's Junk and Treasures.  (I haven't asked her yet, but if she says no I'll just make some stuff up.  NO, I did not just make the Eva interview up.  Honest!  You can ask her!)

Blog business

Hi Fellas.  I know most of you who read this aren't fellas, but gals, but I felt like saying fellas because I just don't know why.  That reminds me of this one time when Sam was about three years old and we saw him talking to some people we didn't know so we asked him who those people were and he said, "Oh, they're just folk."  He was so friendly and cute.  I'm shocked nobody tried to kidnap him.  But I suppose every mother is a little insulted that more people don't envy their perfect children.

Okay, blog business.  I am starting a new feature on my blog where I interview (lamely) either a commenter or a follower and link to their blog (or if they don't have a blog, their favorite blog).  It's my way of "giving back" (now I hate myself just a little for using the phrase "giving back" like a douchebag) to the people who are nice enough to read my blog or click the follow button.  Partially it's because I want to get to know you people a little better, but mostly it's because I've been stuck on 59 followers and I either need to get up to 60 or just delete the follower feature off my sidebar because having 59 BUGS ME.

Also, I read somewhere that March is the biggest dieting month of the year so I thought this would be a good time to remind you all of the diet blog I contribute to, The Chunkersons.  I posted just this evening about my big eating extravaganza yesterday and also how I just finished reading a book about the Donner Party and because I'm so hungry, I can't stop myself from having unwelcome thoughts about what parts of Mitch would taste the best. (shoulders, hams.)  But I've lost nine pounds so far and my pants aren't fart-inducingly tight anymore so that's good, right?  That's totally worth having cannibalistic urges isn't it?  ISN'T IT?

More third graders

I had another good day with the third graders.  One of the things they did today that made me laugh was during a vocabulary quiz.  They were supposed to match the word to the definition.  One of the words was "decent" and the definition that was supposed to match it was, "what you might call a good and fair person,"  and another w was "inherit"  and the definition that matched it was "receiving a gift of money or property from a family member."  About two thirds of the kids said that they thought getting a gift of money or property from a family member was decent.  I don't know.  It made me laugh.

And then later we were reading about San Francisco and we got to the end of the chapter and there were some questions and one of them was, "Do you have any stories about your community?" and whenever they are asked to tell a story, every hand shoots up in the air.  I chose five kids to share their stories with us.  My favorite was from a kid who said the following:

"One time at my house we got a big box delivered to us and I asked my dad what was in it and he told me to look, and he threw me his pocket knife.  I cut the tape on the box open really fast and accidentally cut my hand right here (pointing to his hand).  Boy did it ever bleed!  My mom saw it and said, "What the H did you give him a knife for?" and my dad said that he didn't think I'd cut my hand open.  Then I had to go to the hospital."

Kira in the Car Part XIII

Kira: Dad, if Tic Tacs cost $20, would you still buy them?

Mitch: No.

Kira:  What if there was a million dollar bill in the container?

Mitch:  Well then, yes, I guess I would.

Kira: But what if the million dollar bill was fake?

Mitch:  Then I wouldn't.

Kira: But what if a fake million dollar bill was worth ten thousand dollars?

Mitch:  (sigh) Then I would.

Copy Cat

I went to the movie Unknown with my friend Dana last night, and this is what I have to say to the movie Unknown:  "Hey Unknown, I've seen the Bourne Identity and you, sir, are no Bourne Identity."  Also, Berlin seems to totally suck.  A lot of assassins who have forgotten that they are assassins regretfully remember that they are assassins in Berlin and try to right their wrongs with the help of  young, beautiful down-on-their-luck Eastern European women.  And the weather seems to always be shitty, which seems a little like I'm the pot calling the kettle black, considering my last post, but come on, Berlin, movies are supposed to attract people to the cities they are set in, not repel them.

Also, I've been hearing the Lady Gaga song Born This Way on the radio and I like it a lot.  I also liked it back in 1989 when Madonna sang it and it was called Express Yourself.  But I can't stay annoyed at Lady Gaga. She wore a meat dress.  And meat shoes, and a meat hat and had a meat purse that she made Cher hold for her.  That is just too wonderful.  

BRRRRR!!!!!

We had a big storm last weekend (don't say "no shit, Sherlock!" to me.  It's not nice.)  We didn't get the snow that people got in the southern portion of the state, but we got a lot of wind.  When it gets windy around here Lake Superior gets terrifying.  Kira and I went out for a while the other day and took some pictures and movies of the lake.

This is Kira next to a little boat that sells popsicles and hot dogs in the summer time.  The lake side of this boat is coated in several inches of ice.  FREAKY!

Here is the same boat from the front.  The lake side is coated in ice, but the other side is totally clear.  Isn't that weird?  I mean that the line would be so precise?  Hm.  I think it's weird.  

This is the harbor lift bridge.  They paint it in the winter when the shipping traffic stops.  The tarps they put up got ripped into tatters in the wind.  For some reason Kira is fascinated by this.  She keeps saying, "OH MY GOD, I bet those guys are so cold!"  I think she thinks they live in there.  They don't.  

Kira on top of a rock coated with about two inches of ice.  She kept saying, "Come up here!  It's so fun!"  Out behind her is the lake. The wind blew tons and tons of ice to the end of the lake where the harbor is.  It was weird because the waves under the ice were huge and you could see the ice rising and falling.  It is covered with broken ice chunks for about a mile.  

After we were at the harbor for a while, we drove up the shore a ways so we could see some open water and some waves. This picture was taken at Brighton Beach, where we swam last summer:

Those rocks were hot last summer.  Felt good on the feet.  After seeing it yesterday I can't believe it will ever be warm again.  

Here's a movie I took.  The wind is so loud it's kind of annoying so turn the volume down.

Be nice to Kira or she will do that to your head.

My new boyfriend

Happy President's Day!  I have been reading the book 1776 by David McCullough and I think I'm a tiny bit in love with George Washington.  He was so brave, and heroic, and tall, and such a good leader.  (Sigh.)  What really did it for me was when I read a story to a kindergarten class last week about how Washington returned General Howe's dog when it was captured by the Yankees during the revolutionary war.  The Yankees wanted to keep it as it would serve as a blow to the moral of the British, but keeping someone's pet for spite was too much for George, and he called a cease-fire and returned the dog.  Awwww!!  (It's a true story.  I looked it up.) I also recently watched the HBO miniseries John Adams, which was wonderful, and David Morse of Hack fame played George Washington.  Oh, you have never heard of the show Hack?  How embarrassing for you.  It was a show about a cab driver (David Morse) and Mitch and I liked it because the Hack character would push people down on a regular basis.  David Morse is HUGE.  He can really push. And he makes a great GW.

David Morse as GW

Of course, I don't think anything will come of my infatuation with George Washington, so don't worry about my marriage.  George Washington will never come between Mitch and me.  For one thing, he's 238 years older than me.  He and I together would be grosser than Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.  Also, he had worse teeth than me.  By the time he was president he only had one natural tooth left so he wore dentures which were NOT made out of wood, but out of ivory, gold, springs, and at least one cow tooth (gross), and although I am in no position to criticize someone else's teeth, I would not want to have any long frenchers with someone with cow teeth.  (No offense, Martha)

He was a snappy dresser.  He had his uniforms and suits made for him in London by a tailor and he always looked impeccable.  Most men of the time wore wigs, but not George.  He wore his own hair in a pony and powdered it white.  He wasn't a big fan of bathing though.  He thought too many baths were unhealthy.  I bet he didn't smell all that great, unless his hair powder was made by Drakkar Noir, but I'm pretty sure they didn't have Drakkar back then. (just kidding, Drakkar: yuck)

my  boyfriend

George was a fantastic horse rider. (Horses! EEEE!) Unfortunately during the French and Indian War he had two horses shot out from under him.  TWO!  He was really broken up about that because he loved animals.  He was a dog breeder and really loved his dogs.  He had really cute names for his dogs like Sweetlips and Truelove.  Awww!  (But also he had some dogs named Drunkard and Tipler.  That could be a red flag.  I don't know if I would want to have a relationship with a man with a bunch of alcoholic dogs.)

He never had biological children of his own.  Some historians speculate that because he had smallpox as a young adult it might have caused him to be sterile.  (Sterility: not a deal-breaker) Martha had two children from her previous marriage before she married George (her first husband died) and George raised them and loved them like they were his own.  Unfortunately they both died young.  Then George and Martha raised their two grandchildren.

George was a Southern plantation man and had slaves.  Lots and lots of slaves.  (Slavery, that's kind of a deal-breaker for me.)  Of course he set all his slaves free in his will, but that's kind of a fuck-you gift to the black man of 1799 isn't it?  "You're free, now beat it!"  I don't know.  Probably.  He had misgivings about slavery but never spoke publicly about it because he didn't want the country torn apart by the slavery issue.  (OMG!  Predict the future much?!) He left orders in the will that the older slaves be clothed and fed and provided for, and the younger ones to be educated and trained in an occupation, so, that's something, I guess.

So anyway, despite the 238 year age difference, my insistence on basic hygiene, and my opposition to alcoholic pets and slavery, I think I am still in love with George Washington.  I can't help myself!

Happy Birthday, George!

A Little Girl's Dream Comes True!

Mitch brought Kira to the boat show at the convention center last night and they found a booth that was offering mechanical bull rides.  What little girl doesn't want to ride a mechanical bull?  Well, I don't know about most little girls, but OUR little girl has been thinking about testing her mettle on a mechanical bull for months!  Finally she got the chance!  Dad comes through again!  She was feeling a little shy about it at first, but Mitch reminded her of her mechanical bull dreams and made her go for it.  The guy running the bull looked to Mitch as if to say, "Should I take it easy on her?" and Mitch said, "DO NOT go easy.  Knock her off." which sounds kind of mean, but if you know Kira, that's the nicest thing a father could have done for her.  She's disgusted by coddling unless it is during the game of Sorry.  Then she insists her opponent go easy on her.

 She LOVED it.  She wants to go back and do it again.  Here are some pics:

Faster...

Faster!...

FASTER!!!...

SO FAST YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IT!  (she's falling off)

An Idiot Abroad

When Mitch and I moved to Duluth we decided we weren't going to get cable TV anymore.  It's been 11 years and we still don't have it and I have to say, for the most part it has been a brilliant decision.  We used to find ourselves watching a lot of VH1 Behind The Music shows about people we totally didn't care about.  Our knowledge of the detailed love triangles and squares and hexagons of Fleetwood Mac is probably taking the place in our brains where we could instead know the theory of relativity or French.

I haven't even wished I had cable until last weekend.  I watched a show at my parent's house on the Science channel? I think? called An Idiot Abroad.  It was created by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.  It's hilarious.  The premise is that Ricky and Stephen send their uncultured friend Karl to the seven wonders of the world because it's funny to watch him deal with culture shock and travel, and he hates it.

I saw the episode where they sent him to Jordan to see Petra.  Oh my god it was so funny!  I looked up the website and found these great photos and quotes from some of the episodes:

Check it out!

I miss my old gauchos

This week is Winter Week(?) at Sam's school.  That's what he says it is, but I bet it's Winter Sport's Week or something like that instead of just "Winter Week."  They have a different theme for every day and today's theme was "decade day."  They could dress up like a person from the decade of their choice.  Sam LOVES David Hasslehoff of Knight Rider fame so he did his best impression with what he had in his closet.

He OF COURSE wouldn't let me take a picture of him because 1) he looked cute 2) he's an INFURIATING eighth grade boy and 3) I think he somehow knows the picture would have ended up on the internet.  (Can't blame him for that, it would have.)  So instead of a picture that describes him in a thousand words, I will have to actually use a thousand real words to describe him.  Just kidding.  I'm not using a thousand words.  It wasn't that funny.  He wore jeans, a red t-shirt (or maybe it was black.  I can't remember.  DAmmit, I should have taken a picture!) a jean jacket, and a HUGE BELT BUCKLE THAT SAYS "SAM"!  The belt buckle really made the outfit, although I never saw Michael Knight wear a "Sam" buckle on Knight Rider.  Oh well.  It was funny.  Also, Sam is growing a beard, I mean "beard" because it looks a lot like my premenopausal beard and I wouldn't call that a real beard, just random strange-looking, surprisingly long chin hairs.  Kind of like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

The whole dressing-up-in-past-decade-apparel got Mitch and I talking about stuff we used to wear.  Mitch went through a Prince faze, (the singer, not the royalty.  Wait, maybe... I don't think...  I'll have to check.) and he described an outfit he had that included a set of suspenders that were not meant to go on the shoulders, but to hang down, jauntily.  AWESOME.  I remembered fondly a set of gauchos I had in fourth grade and an elastic belt that went with them that said "GAUCHOS GAUCHOS GAUCHOS" across the whole thing. I miss those.

Valentine's Day List: Brothers with whom I'd have a threesie

1.  The Kratt brothers.

The Kratt brothers (on far right and far left)

2.  The Keno twins from Antique Road Show.

Niiiiiiiicccce cheeeeeeesssssstttt....

3.  Owen and Luke Wilson.

Hey guys, lose the old-timey hats and let's get this party started...

4.  Leo DiCaprio and Matt Damon.  What's that you say?  They are not brothers?  Are you sure???

Boys, boys, don't fight... shhhhhh...there's enough for everyone...

5.  Mario and Luigi

Oh, and btw, when I say threesie I, of course, mean people that I'd be willing to share a heart shaped box of chocolates with:

What were you thinking of?

pervert.

What I know today

January is not my best blogging month.  But hey, it's already February, so I guess February isn't all that great either.  I'm going to try to be more consistent but I feel like I don't have a lot to say these days, and I don't know why that would stop me from blogging every day NOW because I've never really had anything earth-shattering to say and I've never had a problem being consistent before.  I started to the blog to write about the funny stuff my kids did that I would tell people about and they would say, "OMG, that's so funny!  You should write that down!" but why write stuff down if nobody is going to read it, right?  So I started a blog like 3 billion other people.

Apparently my kids are an utter disappointment lately because they aren't providing much blog fodder, and if kids aren't good for blog material and getting you the remote and a diet coke when you're comfortable and don't want to get up, then what good are they?  Just kidding.  My kids are really good at getting me the remote and diet cokes, but I gotta say, I'm getting a little sick of their "concern" about my diet coke habit.  (say the following in a naggy, annoying voice:) "You should stop drinking this stuff, it rots your teeth.  My class saw a movie about dental hygiene and they put a tooth in a glass of diet coke for 24 hours and it had a cavity when they took it out!"  Okay, for one thing, I don't think putting a tooth in a glass of diet coke is a scientifically credible experiment on what happens to teeth when you drink diet coke because who is swishing their mouth with diet coke for 24 hours at a time, and where did they get the experiment tooth?  Did it fall out?  Why?  Was it one of the baby teeth that elementary schools are disgustingly full of?  YUCK. Who volunteers a healthy tooth for a stupid elementary school experiment? And what about the spit? WHAT ABOUT THE SPIT!  And for another thing, SHUT IT.  I could be downing six packs of Old Milwaukee or eight-balls of crack (Is that the right nomenclature?  Is it crack that comes in eight-balls? I'm not sure and you know why? BECAUSE I'M A GOOD MOTHER!)

Anyhoo, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah, lack of good blog material.  Well, you know what they say, "write what you know" so I'm sorry, Following, here's what I know this weekend.  I went up to my parent's house for the weekend and visited with family and played with my niece who is adorable and hilarious and ROTTEN, and who is soon to be old-news because Beth's new baby is going to be born in 26 days.  My favorite thing that my niece did this weekend was put a white eraser on my hair brush and brush her teeth with it.  I looked at Beth like, "what the heck is she doing?" and Beth said, "She has a really big tooth brush," which I'm still laughing about.  I also took advantage of my parent's awesome wi-fi connection by watching Netflix on demand movies.  I watched The Crucible which should be alternately titled Mean Girls, 1692! Puritan Bitches GONE WILD!  

I also took advantage of my dad's super-duper five blade razor that I spotted in the shower this morning.  That sucker really cuts through the brush!  (sorry, Dad) Actually, I'm not sorry.  I'm genetically hairy, and it's all my parent's fault.  They should have known something ominous would happen when they read their wedding invitations which said: "Mr. and Mrs. Bigfoot Sasquatch want you to join in the celebration of the marriage of their daughter to the son of Mr. and Mrs. Abominable Snowman-Yeti," So anyway, Mom and Dad, just be glad I'm not a boy, and the number of the local RotoRooter man is 729-7686.  I'm not saying you'll need it, but just in case.  It was worth it though because I'm smoooooooooooooooooth.

Oh, and I notice that I have a new follower!  Yay for me!  I love when that happens! And if you read this blog with any regularity, you know that the next several new followers are entitled to one of my Grandma's head staples, so guess what Rachel McGrath?  Welcome! and you are the lucky winner!  And because you're the first new follower I've gotten in a pathetically long time, I will send you a staple with skin still on it!  LUCKY! Email me you're address and I'll slap it in the mail!*  That's what I know for today.  Have a great week everyone!





*Rachel, I already threw the staples away because they were grossing my family out sitting on the kitchen counter.  I could send you something else gross though.  You know, if you really want it.  Let me know!

The Rite (spoiler alert!)

I went to see the movie The Rite today by myself because nobody I know seems to love devil-horror the way I love devil-horror.  I also love Anthony Hopkins, I mean SIR Anthony Hopkins.  The movie is about a young seminary student named Michael who doesn't want to be a priest, but his crazy mortician dad won't pay for  college, so his plan is to go to seminary on a scholarship, get an education, then opt out of being a priest at the end.

Then the story jumps to four years later when Michael is about to finish seminary school and he is still a skeptic about the whole God thing, so he writes a letter to Father Superior to tell him he's not going to take the final vows because the priesthood is not his thing.  Father Superior sits down with Michael and has a talk with him about his scholarship and tells him that it is perfectly legal for church to say that his scholarship was not a scholarship at all, but a loan.  A hundred thousand dollar loan.  NICE, Catholic church!  So Father Superior tells Michael that because of his gory history of living in a mortuary, maybe he could be an exorcist.  Michael, of course, thinks this is total B.S. but decides to go to Rome for two months to take the course anyway, because hey, it's a two month trip to Rome.

During the exorcism course, he challenges the teacher by saying that what the "possessed" people probably have is psychological problems, and not a demon.  The teacher sees promise in young Michael so he sends him to see Father Lucas (Hopkins) who is an expert exorcist, (but a bit of a loose cannon!) with the hopes of convincing Michael of the reality of demon possession.  As luck would have it, Father Lucas has a client? patient? named Rosaria who is 16, pregnant, and possessed by the devil.

(Being a teenager BLOWS.)

Father Lucas tells Michael the basics of exorcism, the most important being making the demon identify himself.  Apparently if you can trick them into telling you their names, you can get them out easier.  Rosaria exhibits all the symptoms of possession:  scratching things with her finger nails, cracking her knuckles, arching her body into extreme yoga positions, coughing up nails.  You know, the usual.  Michael still isn't convinced.  STUBBORN!  He thinks Father Lucas is somehow tricking him and he thinks Rosaria needs help from a real doctor.  Turns out Father Lucas is a doctor as well as an exorcising priest.  (Nice resume!)

Rosaria eventually goes totally nuts with this stupid demon and ends up in the hospital where she has the baby by herself (Nice hospital!) and she and the baby both die.  Now there is a free demon wandering around and guess who he seeks out?  That's right, Father Lucas!  And guess who is the only one who can exorcise the demon?  That's right!  Michael!  He's lacking confidence at first and only goes through the motions of exorcising, and it doesn't work.  Then he steps up his game and really brings out the big exorcising guns and gets that horrible demon to say his name (Baal) and everyone lives happily ever after.

It was an okay movie as far as devil horror goes, but I gotta say, the scariest thing I find about devil horror is that lots of people actually believe this stuff!  There really ARE exorcists!  I think they take on the job for the same reason people become Maytag repairmen, or the vice president.  They have lots of sitting-around time.

Guess what this is?

Okay, I'll just tell you.  They are the staples that held my poor Grandma's head wound closed after her brain surgery.  She had them taken out today and when the nurse wheeled her into the waiting room Gram looked at me and said to the nurse, "Can I keep my staples?" and the nurse was like, "...um...what?" and Gram said, "I want my staples," so the nurse went back in and I imagine dug them out of the trash and brought them out to her in a little box.  Then Gram handed them to me and said, "Here.  These are for you."  So I get to keep them!

This may seem weird to you, but one time Kira and I were obsessively lusting after a scab my grandma had on her knee because we LOVE to pick scabs, and let me tell you something, that particular scab was a BEAUTY, perfectly round, dry and thick.  Gram wouldn't let us pick it and Kira asked if when it finally came off if Gram would send it to us.  We couldn't go that far, but Gram must have remembered our love of healing wounds and was thoughtful enough to share her head staples with us.

Jealous?  Hey!  Maybe I could have a blog giveaway!  Become a new follower and I'll send you a staple!  And if you get two friends to become followers, I'll give you one that has skin on it!  (But act fast, only two have skin left on them!)