Monday, April 6, 2009

Still not arrested

I have been without kids for two days now, and still have not been arrested.
Not. Even. Close.
This is what I've been doing with my time:

loads and loads of laundry (what did the kids pack to wear? It seems like everything was in the wash)

Cleaned half the house

Went out for dinner with Mitch at McDonalds. (Seriously, what is wrong with us?)

Got a haircut

Got my oil changed

Got tax stuff ready for the accountant

Started crocheting a new blanket

Is this sad or what? I told Jared I would consider his list of ideas my "to do" list. Here is what they are:

1. Stalk and kill a hobo a la "The Most Dangerous Game".
2. Found a religion.
3. Initiate a frivolous lawsuit.
4. Impersonate a police officer (with the aim of doing a better job).
5. Learn how to make black powder (if you don't already know how).
6. Shave your head.
7. Shave someone else's head.
8. Make ice cream with liquid nitrogen.
9. Study witchcraft.
10. Spend an entire afternoon grabbing and smashing the mobile phones of all the people you see using them in a checkout line. If you're confronted, make low burbling chainsaw noises with your mouth and throat while doing a sort of spastic dance to and fro in front of the irate ex-owner of the phone (remember, the arms really *sell* any such dance). Repeat as necessary.

#1, I can't do it. I just haven't met a deserving hobo yet. From what I've seen they aren't all that hard to hunt anyway, they're not the fastest runners.

#2 I sort of already did that. Well, not me, but Sam. When he was five we went out to lunch with a religious frienemy of mine and before we ate she made everyone join hands and she prayed for what seemed like hours thanking God for the bland taco salad she made. We aren't religious, so Sam never saw anything quite like that before. He stared at her the whole time she was praying, and when she was (finally) finished, he said, "... WHO are you TALKING to?" and she did her best to give him a primer on Christianity. He listened and then said, "Oh! You mean the Owner!" Later when I talked to him about it he said that the Owner was the one who made the whole world and everything in it. Being the religious skeptic that I am, I said, "Oh yeah, well who made the Owner?" and he said, "Mother Nature." I said, "Who made Mother Nature?" thinking I had him now! He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "Mom... she made herself." Of course. So although the Owner religion isn't all that organized, it is sort of a religion. Thank you Sam!

#3 Too much paperwork.

#4 That's on the list for tonite. (Well, I have the cuffs anyway; hubba hubba, Mitch!)

#5 I'm not sure what black powder is unless it is the stuff with saltpeter, sulfur and charcoal. If so, no thanks, too stinky.

#6 I got a haircut! Does that count? It's kind of cute in a pre-menopausal hausfrau sort of way. I can't shave it. I would look more like Telly Savalas than Sinead O'Connor.

#7 The only other person's head I have access to is Mitch's, and I can't do that because his head is really pointy and I think his scalp would probably be blindingly white. He'd look like a thumb.

#8 That sounds interesting. Maybe later in the week...

#9 Done it. And palm reading.

#10 This is my favorite idea. I like the idea of the dance. In fact I have the dance all choreographed, I just have to work up the guts to do the rest.

So... not starting off very reckless, but maybe after I get the house totally cleaned and get a few more rows done on my new blanket, then the wild side of me will kick in. I'll keep you posted, unless I go to jail and there is no internet access.

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