Amy's Cabin

My sister Amy has the greatest cabin on Rainy Lake. It's a cute little octagon on an island and we love it. She is nice enough to let us stay there whenever we want. Thanks Amy!

But during the winter and spring, when people aren't around, the spiders take over. Mitch and I spent the night there last week and I was overcome with heebies jeebies from all the spiders. First of all, when I walked through the sliding door when we got there, I didn't see the enormous web covering the upper half of the doorway and I walked through it. With my face. It got in my mouth. Then when I went to turn down the bed, a large-ish spider scampered across the bed. THE BED! I couldn't see where it went (because my eyes were shut and I was screaming) and I got to lay awake all night thinking about how it would probably crawl into my mouth and have babies if I fell asleep.

But I had to act tough because Mitch was there. We started the sauna and played cards while it heated up. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. Before the sauna I went to the guest cabin to get us some towels and walked through another web with my face. I didn't scream and throw up like I wanted to, I just spazzed out a little, telling myself that it was probably an old abandoned web. When I got back outside I looked around the door and saw a spider around this size crawling into a crack above the doorframe.

Holy Heebie Jeebies!

In the morning I walked down to the dock to look at the lake and enjoy the beautiful day. There were hundreds and hundreds of webs. And in the middle of the dock this is what was waiting for me.

This little beauty said, "My name is Darla and you better get the fuck off of my dock or me and my family are going to wrap you into a cocoon and drink your blood!"

I tried to act tough and said, "Listen Darla, I appreciate your point of view, but this is my sister's cabin and you're just going to have to skedaddle. I could step on you, you know."

She said, "Oh yeah! Go ahead and try, fatty. I can run fast on these eight lightning bolts, and I can squeeze into tight places - like your mouth when you sleep! I put my egg sac on the back of your tongue so you better be careful because if anything happens to my 8000 babies, YOU'RE DEAD!"

Then she caught a fish and started eating it right in front of me. She's a very mean, disgusting spider. I hate her and all her friends. Next time I go there I'm bringing poison.